Feeling Guilty- LONG Post

[nervouspains]

Hi Girls,

First of, let me say how sad it is, yet how brave we all are to go through what we have each experienced and all still be standing.

In regards to what im talking about below:

https://www.babyandbump.com/pregnan...y-have-have-termination-update-page-20-a.html

Today, and recently, I have had a massive feeling of guilt over me.
I left the MC and Loss section a few months ago, feeling strong and ready to try again, but recently I have been feeling, well, lost I suppose and I dont know if its because of my thinking about Angel, or thinking about wanting to be pregnant again.
I know what happened was my choice, and looking back now, I dont really think I had enough time to actually sit and think about what I wanted.
I know I want to have a child to watch them grow, and live there own life’s, and even if Angel survived (10% chance) She would never of had what I wanted her too.
In my heart I feel she would have survived and gone to term, but I do think she would have been servely disabled.
Sometimes I think back to what the doctors had said, she may have been in pain with al the fluid and that she wouldn’t have gone to term.
I really couldnt of faced seeing her and saying goodbye so soon.
Sometimes I think I made a selfish decision, which yes I suppose I did, but at the same time, I was thinking of her, if she was in pain, were her body was so swollen or what would she of been like as an adult? would she of looked liked me in anyway? what about when she started her period? Plus when I have more children, would it of been selfish towards them?
So many things go round in my head, and sometimes I feel I have to explain the choice I made, when, why should I be made to feel like this?
Some days im fine- whats happened has happened, its sad, but I want to be pregnant again, am I still clinging on to what I would have been, 32 weeks? Then I think, would I have even got this far in the pregnancy?
I will never know, but I dont want anyone to ever think I didnt love my girl, because I tell you, I would have kept her in a heartbeat if she would of been ok or if she was only bodily disabled, not mentally disabled.
That sounds awful, and I know there are people out there with downs children, but I feel like, well my baby was very ill, it wasnt just because she had downs, she was very swollen, and ill, and she was making me ill.
Here I go again, trying to reason with myself and ramble on
I want to get something done to remember her, of course I have the flower pot at home, and a frame, as its the pic in my aviator, originally I never wanted anything like a tattoo because every time I looked at it, I would of remembered the hurt and pain of loosing her, rather then the Joy.
But I can tell you every bit of my pregnancy as if it was yesterday.
Sometimes though, people make me feel like- why would you want to do that?
As if they needed to see her, hold her, to prove she was real.
Well they didnt hear her heart beating, I did.
They didnt see her jumping around, I did.
She was real and she was here.
Oh god I have to stop going on otherwise I will just keep crying, and I dont want to cry anymore.
I thought I was 'over it' But im not... Is this whats stopping me getting pregnant?
Because I cling on to Angel so much?
Im sorry to ramble on, I just needed to let it out and write it down.
If you got this far, Thank you for reading
xxxx

 

[hayley x]

your story is so sad. Im so sorry you have had to go/are going through this No way do you have to explain your decision to anyone!! If they want to judge you let them but you know in your heart you did what was best for Angel!! No one knows what its like until there in that position please dont feel guilty. Im sorry I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better but I am thinking of you xxx

 

[Laurenj22]

Hi

Unfortunately we all have to go through a period of grief when we lose something so precious and your no different. How could any mother let their child suffer, you did what anyone else would have and protected her by letting her go.

Noone would judge you for the decision you made and I admire your strength.

When I m/c'd I became distant from those around me who had children as I couldn't face the reality of being without my little bean ! We all deal with things differently that is what makes us unique.

I now look back and am thankfull that I was given the opportunity to fall pregnant even if it was for such a short time as it has given me another perspective for this pregnancy.

With each day you will find a way to cope and remember what has happened and slowly it won't hurt so much.

xxx

 

[dan-o]

Sending lots of hugs to you lovely xxxxxxxx

 

[rachjim98]

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear Angel and I am so sorry that you were put in a situation where you had to make that kind of decision

It's part of the process to feel guilty or mad or feel you have to explain why you made a choice like that. But unless someone has been put in that position they have no room or right to say anything other then Sorry.

I wanted to thank you for your bravery telling your story and how hard it must be on you. it takes a lot of courage to get on here and talk so openly about your pain and heartbreak Your little girl is very lucky and is very proud to have you as her mommy

I hope you find a way that is right for you to remember her by. I am wishing you the best in your journey
If you need to talk please feel free to PM I am always here.
Rach

 

[nervouspains]

Thank you all for your kind, loving words.
You girls really are a lifeline of support, and im sure I speak for everyone when I say we appriciate each and everyone on here.
Thank you girls so, so much xxxx

 

[Tasha]

Oh sweetie massive I truly believe the choice was really not a choice at all, you did the most selfless thing a Mummy can do, and that was ease Angel's pain, and in doing that you took that pain to carry in your heart.

Never feel like you have to explain or justify yourself, we all know Angel was and is your very much loved daughter, people who dont get that, honestly are not worth knowing any way.

You say about doing something for Angel, how about a tree somewhere? Or even taking a special stone to a baby memorial garden, I noticed your in Surrey am not sure if your close to either East Sheen Cemetery or Putney Vale Cemetery, they both have baby gardens that you can leave something for Angel there. Or even do a similar thing in your garden if you have one?

Huge hugs hun, I am thinking of you, and if you need a chat then pm, I have a baby who grew her wings too x

 

[Tasha]

 

[babytots]

oh hunni sending you such big what you are feeling is normal all the what ifs and the guilt that comes with it. you know in your heart you did the right thing it wasnt selfish at all you spared your little girl pain and you have to try and focus on that she is in a better place pain-free and playing with all the angels.

my last angel jessica i lost at 19 weeks i take comfort that she decided to leave us rather then us having the difficult choice that you did. she too had fluid on her head and stomach and various other problems of which i wont know til i see my consultant next month. i got to meet my little girl and seeing her made me realise that she was in a better place. her tiny face was so swollen from the fluid she was so beautiful but you could tell she was a poorly girl by looking at her.

i reently got a tattoo and everytime i look at her name i smile. its a permanant reminder she is always with me. i cant wait to get it finished

anyways i wont babble to much but we all understand how you are feeling and are here anytime.x

 

[nervouspains]

Thank you girls

babytots, OH has my name tattooed on his arm, he said he wants to have 'Angel' with wings beside her name.
And then other names of any other children we have together.

I have a few tatts already, and one of them is a Anch at the back on my leg...
I was thinking about having it redone (I already have a session booked for 2nd June to re-do others that have faded) and I was thinking about having a vine wrapped round it, and then for every baby I have, I was going to have a flower, or a Bud, for Angel, to show she was here, but she never grew in to this flower, if you see my meaning to my tattoo?
xxx

 

[babytots]

that sounds lovely hun and yes i do get your meaning to your tattoo i bet it will look really nice. i was watching miami ink on sky and a lady got a tattoo of 4 butterflies to represent her children one of which she lost when she went into pre-term labour with her twins.the biggest one was her eldest and the smallest the baby she lost and it looked gorgeous!!!!!!!! its what i eventually want to get done when i've completed my family and toned my stomach up a bit lol. x

 

[susan_1981]

Aw hun, I didn't realise you were feeling so down again. I've told you a million times before, you shouldn't feel guilty in any way. If someone is pregnant with a severely disabled child, it is completely up to that individual whether to carry on with the pregnancy or not. I know some people will disagree with it but it really isn't anything to do with them. You did what you felt was right for you at the time and you have to remember that. I would have done exactly the same thing as you in your position. I suppose luckily (probably not the right word - nothing lucky about what happened to me) I didn't have to decide because my baby had already died.

You will get through this and as soon as you are pregnant again, I think things will get better for you. Obviously you will never forget your little Angel but it will get easier, I promise xxx

 

[Jessa]

I had my first session with a counsellor yesterday, looking for some guidance on dealing with the grief from two miscarriages, the latest at 17 weeks in February. I told her that it didn't make sense that I was feeling so down again, after having felt pretty good for the last few weeks.

She said that she's read in many places lately that they're starting to believe that grief is a cyclical experience, not linear as they had previously thought. She said it's like taking two steps forward and one step back. People will always get better and then something will remind them and they'll falter a bit. The difference is that for most people, the farther they get away from the event, the longer the "good" times last and the shorter the "bad" times last.

It made total sense to me when she explained it like that. Hopefully it makes some sense to you, and doesn't just sound like me yammering on.

It will eventually get easier. There's no where to go but up...

 

[AlwaysPraying]

I am so sorry for what you went through. You must be so strong to make it this far. I am wondering if your able to help me, by talking to me. I tried sending you a message but I can't. I read your story and it seems so similar to mine and I need so much help deciding what to do. I feel so incredibly alone and in so much pain. Only if your able. I'm sorry if I'm being pushy. I'm so sorry for what you went through.