Feeling really guilty about how long I stay at the NICU

[chelseav1213]

I feel so guilty right now.. I only go to the NICU once a day sometimes twice but I only get to stay about 2 hours on the weekdays and we only usually stay 3-4 on the weekends.. its just really hard seeing him there with all the alarms and wires and I get in so much pain from the chairs.. I just feel overwhelmed when I stay there too long but I feel so guilty I'm not spending all day up there when I can! When I come home I just rest but i still feel like I shouldn't be coming home at all and I need to be up there with him 24/7.. I know he's in good hands but I just think about all the time he's just in the bassinet alone up there with no attention..I just feel like I'd go crazy everytime his alarms go off I get so scared and worried. I'm new to being a mother and having a baby in the NICU just makes it so much harder I don't know what to do and I feel like such a terrible mother.. I just want him home! But then I get scared that when he comes home something will happen to him because I don't have monitors for him! Sorry this is long I just need to let it out... Also We live about half an hour away so its not like its THAT far, we can only spend 2 hours on weekdays because OH works 10 hours day and then has an early bed time so after the drive + him taking a shower after work since he works with a nasty machine in a warehouse it just doesn't give us much time!

 

[chelseav1213]

Starting tomorrow I will probably be going up there during the day for a lot longer while OH is at work since I can drive again, so maybe this will make things a little better on days I can't stay long. I also am sort of scared to be alone with him for hours because when those alarms go off I get so scared Without my OH it will be so hard for me to sit there through an alarm and wonder if he is OK or not!! I just feel like hes so fragile

 

[meant2bamummy]

I feel your pain. We lived an hour from the hospital when our girls were in there. They were in for a month and we tried to go down every day and stay for a few hours. We also tried to take one day off a week, where we could just relax. He was also laid off at the time, so that worked out well for us. I could just sit there all day, but he had issues being there because he felt so helpless. I was worried about what the NICU nurses would think about us being up there for such a short period of time, and taking days off. BUT we had some amazing nurses that I was able to eventually confide this to. They said not to worry and that it was important for us to go about our regular lives. Sometimes mothers and fathers get runned down being there every day and that is not healthy either. Ours were in isolettes for 3 weeks, with all the monitors, feeding tubes etc. So we couldn't just go and hold them. For a week and a half we could only hold them once a day. My husband would hold Avery one day and I'd hold Brooke. Then we would switch the next day. Once they were detached from all of that and out of the isolettes and into cots, we could hold them more often. It was closer to coming home and we were doing a lot more. And as far as the monitors go, you will get used to it. The nurses eventually weren't too concerned about it and would show us how to turn the monitors off ourselves. For us anyway, the monitors only went off when they were really moving around or crying, as their heart rate went up. So, I know it is hard, but please don't feel guilty. Go and visit, enjoy your time there, and spend time at home relaxing, maybe go out for supper, and enjoy the peace and quiet of your home.

 

[chelseav1213]

Thank you it helps to know other people feel the same.. just cant wait until hes home!!!!

 

[kelly6407]

I felt bad too, my 28weeker was in for 2 months but I went every day.

I couldn't stay long, I went at lunch time and came home at dinner time. Other mums went twice etc and stayed all day but I couldn't. I had another child at home to look after.

In the end I told myself that being there all day wasn't helping my baby at all. I just had to look at her through a box and was only allowed to hold her for a short time anyway. She needed her rest more than she needed me sitting staring at her.

She's now 17m old and hasn't left my side since

 

[AP]

We were the same - don't worry, theres not a length of time you're meant to stay around. Some mums can't even visit daily due to some circumstances.

If you are there all day, don't be afraid to take breaks. I used to go get lunch, go for a bus ride (don't ask, I really don't know why, I just needed a breather) or if hubby was with me we used to go shopping for LO(oh man that really helped though )

 

[kit10grl]

And i thought it was just me who felt this way. I try to go everyday but have needed the odd day just away from the hospital. The noise and heat and feeling of being watched all the time just gets on top of me and my anxiety gets out of control.

Whenever i leave wether ive been in for two hours or ten i feel like i should be there more. Some days other mums have been there when i arrived at what i thought was early and still been there at what i thought was really late. And are there again before me next morning. I always feel the need to justify myself to the nurse when i get there or leave by telling them about DS and how he needs me too.

The worst moment for me was a new mum who came in and saw a baby in the cot with no visitors and started on to the nurse quite loudly about how she didnt understand 'women like that' who could leave their new baby how could they be away etc etc. So i was feeling crappy knowing i was about to go home (new mum was staying overnight) until the nurse pointed out that baby had been in for almost two months oh and it was one of twins so mum had another baby at home too so either way (hospital or home) she had to leave a young baby. Woman looked suitably embarrassed but i was furious, who does she think she is to comment on others.

lol sorry ranty sidetrack lol just wanted to say thanks for sharing and helping me realise my feelings are normal.

 

[chelseav1213]

Thank you ladies.. hes now in a step down NICU which is much calmer and so much easier for me to stay there longer but its still quite overwhelming! Good news is he should be coming home soon so it wont be much longer I have to deal with the hospital! Hope ur LO comes home soon kit10grl!

 

[Bon18]

Don't feel bad and take a break when you need to, sometimes being there is too much. We had wonderful nurses who actually used to tell me to go home when I was feeling overwhelmed because it's not doing you or the baby any good. They also explained every single machine to me, so I knew what was what and it was less scary. Hang in there, hopefully your lo is home soon

 

[chelseav1213]

Thanks ladies.. I feel like I need a break today everything at home is stressing me out & I just want to crawl in bed and sleep but I would feel so bad if I didn't go up there.. I'm gonna maybe take a nap and go later for like n hour or so.. just wish he was here!! Were doing a "room in" where we are going to stay all evening & night tomorrow so I may just take the night off.

 

[Havmercy]

The first few days our son was in NICU I didn't go for longer than a few minutes. When my legs and feet swelled up from the fluids of birth, so I couldn't walk. My doctor told me, that I needed to make sure I'm healed and well enough to take care of the baby when he comes home that if i'm not careful, I could end up back in the hospital myself. Once I healed 100% (about a week) I started going to the NICU everyday and at night with my husband. On days we couldn't go, my mother-in-law went for me. I made sure an authorized person was there everyday so he wouldn't feel abandoned. Plus I wanted to stay on top of the NICU nurses. I had to be sure my son was receiving the care we were paying for. The NICU staff were great but there were 2 times I'm glad I was there to "get in a nurse's ass" for not feeding our son on time. She left him screaming in his bassinett. She didn't know I was there and made excuses for not feeding him on time. It ticked me off because his alarms were going wild and she never responded until I went looking for her. She was sitting at the nurses station without a care in the world.

 

[WTBmyBFP]

Thank you for this post. I am struggling with guilt of not being there long enough, and for taking a day off a week. We have three little girls in the NICU and I love love love seeing my girls. We only manage once per day, but just making the rounds for diapering, feeding, and burping the girls takes almost three hours, more if I try to BF.

I always leave feeling horribly guilty and exhausted. I feel like one of them always didn't get enough attention. DH told me to just stay home today (first day PP without any assistance), and I know I should seize the day to sleep as I may never sleep once the girls come home. I just can't get past the feeling of being a horrible mother by not going in.

 

[chelseav1213]

I felt so bad but really needed that time off and now that hes home I don't feel guilty about the time I wasn't there because I am making up for if now having 3 in the NICU must be really hard I'm sorry that u have to deAl with that. hoping for all thereof your babies to come home very soon!