Finding a Support System

[LydiaMae]

First off I want to say that every woman that is TTC after a loss have to be some of the strongest women around. I had thought life had brought me many challenges up until this point, but the last 3 years of dealing with infertility and multiple miscarriages has truly changed me in a way nothing else has. It has also opened my eyes to something in society that most people unless they have been through it have very little understanding about. Coming from a small family that I live 3000 miles away my husband and I have gone through our journey very alone. I would not wish this on anyone. My mother who even had a miscarriage before she had me and my brother seems to have selective memory since everything worked out. That is the funny thing about life is we forget how hard things can be at times and can't put ourselves in other people shoes. I really think miscarriage shouldn't be something that we have to suffer in silence through. I read a lot on here about not telling anyone about being pregnant through the first trimester and that is what I initially did. And I as a result suffered silently and alone. And that is my biggest fear if this doesn't work again. So I'm struggling with the idea of doing the opposite of what others on here say and telling some friends and family if I do get pregnant. That way maybe I'll have some support if there is another loss. Where do you get support and when you can't tell anyone what is going on? It seems this would be a time when you need support the most...Thoughts???

 

[Button#]

Agreed. I will be telling close friends as soon as I'm pregnant next time. I had a friend tell me she was pregnant at 5 weeks and sadly she lost her baby and I opened up to her that the same thing happened to me and I think it was comforting for both of us. Also in my pregnancy with DS I felt awful from about 8 weeks and it would be nice for some of my mum friends to know what was going on so they can help me out if I need it.

 

[swimmyj1]

My husband and I had been trying for about a year when we found out we were pregnant I was so happy and pretty much called my who family to tell them. It was horrid a few weeks later having to tell them I miscarried. And their responses were not as supportive as I would have like. I'm trying not to give up hope and keep trying. But next time even though my family is further away I don't think I will say anything until at least 12 weeks. It will be haft but I can't take the let down again. My advise tell people you know are extremely supportive and will be there no matter how you are doing. Sending good vibes ur way

 

[Pixiedust22]

Luckily my family and friends have been supportive so I will definitely be telling people again... I can understand it must be difficult if they aren't though.

 

[LydiaMae]

Thanks for the input. I completely understand not telling people if they were unsupportive. And that sucks that family and friends can be that way. I'm not sure what I'll do if I get the chance to be in that position to say anything or not. I actually recently confided in a co-worker about my infertility journey and it has been nice to talk to a non-bias person about it all. She might be the one I tell before friends or family! It's weird how people that hardly know you can be more supportive then the people that have known you your whole life.

 

[kaysbc]

thank you for bringing this up LydiaMae. It is a good topic, and I agree with what everyone has said.

It does seem it would be better to have people to talk to and confide in since this is a time we need a lot of support. I told no one when I got pregnant and only confided in two of my best friends when I miscarried, and I was actually surprised how non-supportive they were. Its' not like they didn't try to be supportive, but their way of being supportive was not what I needed nor wanted. It was incredibly unhelpful and upsetting.

I don't feel I have a good enough support system to share next time. But if you do feel you have a strong support system, then yes it is likely a good idea to share. However still be prepared if you find out your support system ends up not being what you had hoped.

I agree though, not with my pregnancy but with other stuff in my life, I've found it very comforting to talk my heart out with a near-stranger or someone I don't know very well, rather than talk to family or friends. Its an odd phenomenon that's for sure.

 

[Bug222]

I would def tell people again.. my family and friends were a huge support through this- I couldn't imagine going through it without people around me who are there for me

 

[Jungleland]

Hi, I struggle with what to tell people all the time! I had a loss a few yrs ago and have had 2 rounds of unsuccessful ivf and I've got a hanful of friends I tell everything (they know what days of my cycle mean what treatment and everything), then there are other friends who know I'm going through ivf but dont talk specifically about it until the cycle is over, and then there are friends/family who are non the wiser. Then there are work colleagues who dont know im having ivf but watch me go to a hell of a lot of hospital appointments and probably think im the biggest hypocondriac going! During a cycle, I shy away from contact with all 3 of the latter groups which I'm worried will affect our relationship long term. I find it so hard to find a balance xx