Finding out S/O is Transgender...

[Ursaula]

Hello everyone,

I wasn't sure where to post this until I realized we're now WTT.

Here's my little story...
I was on b/c for 7 years. Two years ago I saw my first ever gynaecologist and she suggested the possibility of having PCOS. I haven't had a "normal" period in about 5 years now (they use to be really heavy, thus why I was placed on b/c to begin with, now, whenever they show up, they last half a day). I went off b/c November 1, 2014 and we started TTC at the end of March 2015. I was planning on seeking help from a specialist, or at least setting up the steps to see one on Monday. Thought I'd bring it up to my s/o so he'd know and he broke down. After a long chat he told me he doesn't feel male and he is going to become a female and doesn't know if he even wants kids now.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? We've been planning and we've both been getting really excited for this next step and now he's a she? And doesn't want kids? I feel like I'm losing my best friend?

 

[EmmySocks]

Didn't want to read and run. Not a lot of experience with this sort of thing but that sounds like a big shock and a lot to deal with all at once. I think it sounds sensible to put ttc on hold while you talk it through and work out where you both want to go from here. Perhaps it's something you would both consider talking through with a counsellor or other impartial support?

Good luck xxx

 

[Angel_blues]

No idea what you are going through I'm so sorry!

I think the first question to ask yourself is: would you still like to be with your SO even if 'Brian' is now 'Brianna'?
Do you love her as much as you love him? It definitely is a huge barrier to your future, I agree that talking to a counsellor is the way to go. Good luck, we are here for you

 

[MindUtopia]

First of all, hugs to you. That sounds like a lot to go through all at once and it must have been a big shock. I've not been in a similar situation myself, but I do have several friends who are transgender and who have gone through that process with their partners. First, I would say I would take a step back and give both of you time to think about what this means for your relationship. It sounds like there are really two different things going on here that you have to get your head around. The first is whether you feel you can carry on being in a relationship with your partner if he decides to transition. Gender is only one part of who we are and you may find that actually your love and commitment to being together doesn't change just because his gender does. But you have to be honest with yourself and him about whether you think you can accept all of these changes, and whether you really feel the same now. It may just be a case of waiting and seeing how your feelings change and develop as things move forward. You may find you can't cope with it. Or you may find it actually doesn't change as much as you thought it did. Try to connect with other couples who've gone through transitioning to have a support network around you.

The second issue though is accepting that your partner is saying he doesn't want to start a family anymore and deciding if that's a deal breaker for you. It may seem like that has to do with his coming out as transgender, but actually this is something lots of couples go through when they approach the point of TTC. It makes you re-evaluate what you really want out of life and forces you to be honest. Now it's quite possible that everything else in his life is already too overwhelming right now that the prospect of having a baby is just something he feels he can't cope with at the moment, and that it may change later when everything settles down. Or it may be that it doesn't. If he doesn't ever want a family, is that something you would be willing to accept in order to be with him? Or does it mean you feel you need to move on and find someone who does want the same things as you? In the event that he leaves open the possibility to have children one day (with you or not), you should see a specialist in transgender health and talk about what that means for fertility for him. If he decides to take female hormones to transition to female, it will make him infertile, so he'll want to bank some sperm now for the future if he wants to consider the option of having children later.

 

[Ursaula]

I greatly appreciate your gals' feedback! A little update on our part; My s/o decided to give me some space to think for a while and during this time I realized it doesn't really matter to me. Come the time when everything is changed over I will still love him (her?). If not, I know we'll still remain best of friends after our chat. We both agree that I will go for help to see what's going on and he is going to really decide whether he wants a family or not.

 

[Angel_blues]

That is wonderful news. sounds like you will power through this!

 

[dizzy65]