First day back at work after MMC - is it me?

[whyme]

Hi everyone, sorry if this is long but am I being sensitive or is "she" being Insensitive?

I had my first day back at work since MMC on 8th Feb. ( I had popped in last week to " face everyone" and the people are really lovely - so it made it easier today).

Anyhow, one of the girls has been away for 6 weeks - seeing in-laws in pakistan. She has problems - can't conceive and is considering egg donation ( she was one of the people I felt would be hard to tell I was pregnant).

Mid morning she comes over to me and asks if I have been on holiday?! I said no and proceeded to tell her. She was very apologetic and I said, oh you weren't to know as you have been away blah blah, but it has been difficult etc -almost apologising to her!
She then went on to , she knows how I feel ( with respect, n you don't - you haven't lost a baby), that I must have been shocked to have been pregnant?!! ( er no - it was planned, what the hell is that supposed to mean) and that she has to live with this pain everyday!!! Then finally - well at least you have your son.I have no child. (ME ME ME!)

I was talking to my friend at lunch, and told her I was bit upset by the comments, made by the other girl - my friend then dropped the bombshell, that she had told the other girl about me as soon as she got to work, filled her in with what had happened and said that I didn't want to talk about it, it was my first day back etc!!! This really upset me even more that she had knew and of all things, asked had I been on holiday!!!!!

Anyhow, I couldn' let it go and when when it was just myself and the other girl in the office later, I confronted her - that she had known etc, so why not respect my wishes - she stuttered that she didn't really know what had happened, sorry etc, was bright red. I got really angry, how dare she. I know I am lucky that I have a son, but this was a baby in his/her own right and that I am grieving. It is only weeks ago for gods sake. She then ended up getting upset and trying to hug me - that she can't have any children, has family pressures, how sorry she was for me and that I have always been there for her blah blah and can I please forgive her, and that maybe I should go home!!!!!!!!!!! I was furious!

I just find it so insensitive, and to ask me have I been on a jolly holiday when she bloody knew, I think is sooo nasty. As she said we have all been there for her ( she is very open at work about her problems), but she cannot compare pain - it's not some competition, we have very different pain and it is not all about her.

Sorry ladies for those who have no children, I don't mean to offend anyone. I know I am very lucky to have my son - he has been a massive help in dealing with this loss and I know it would have been very different had I not had him, BUT, he is not a consolation prize, he doesn't lessen the pain of this baby - thats like saying to someone who loses a child, never mind at least you have another three!!!, never mind, you lost one parent, at least you have the other!

 

[hb1]

mmmmm - sounds like she's a bit messed up about "having children" in general and prob v v v wrapped up in her own fertility problems and she's gone handled it all wrong.

Possibly her way of trying not to talk about it was asking if you'd been away on hols?

People do handle miscarriage in a very blundering way, we're all a bit crap in dealing with death and loss in general and mc randomly has some taboo about it - obviously this isn't right but it does happen - and people do say stupid things.

I hope she wasn't being mean and it all just came out wrong - I can understand why you're cross about it - if she's a normal person she'll probably be feeling terrible about it.

Sorry you had a bad first day back

hx

 

[MrsAnt]

Really sorry for your loss.

My MC counsellor warned me before I went back to work after a late miscarriage 1. that people are naturally nosey so may ask me to tell them what happened and 2. may then start going on about their own issues in a "well you think you've got it bad" sort of way.

It sounds like the lady you work with did both of those things, and used the not knowing as a way of getting you to divulge the details then (possibly) trying to make you feel better by kind of saying, you're lucky at least you can conceive..look at how bad things are for me blah blah blah

Insensitive without a doubt, but it sounds like she could have been genuinely sorry when she realised how it had impacted on you. I don't think anyone can fully understand the huge trauma and sensitivity of a MC until they've experienced it first hand.

Before I went back to work my manager sent round an email telling everyone what had happened, and asked them not to mention it to me when I returned (I asked her to do this). It worked really well for me, perhaps you could try something similar just to avoid any future problems?

I wouldn't worry about your ignorant/insensitive colleague and just focus on yourself and making sure you're ok, going back to work is hard enough as it is.

Fx'd things improve for you.

 

[Rainbowpea]

Sorry this happened on your first day. sounds like she was just being really nosy and wanted to hear from you what happened and went about it in a really bad way. Sounds like you handled it well though and at least you have got it out in the open with her. she probably is so wrapped up in her own problems that she can't see that others have their own.

I know exactly how you feel about people saying at least you have your son. I love my daughter more than anything in this world but I wanted both my babies - my daughter and the baby I lost. Whilst having her has kept me going a bit, in some ways it is also harder because you think that there should also be a little brother or sister. already having children does not make the loss any better. but I suppose from this woman's perspective she would give anything to have that one child, so much so that she cannot think any other way.

well done anyway for your first day back, it sounds at least like everyone else is supportive and if the other lady can't be then that's her downfall. xx

 

[mazee71]

I'm sorry you're day at work was so upsetting - I think I'd have done the same as you did and confront her.

I went back to work this afternoon - as I was driving myself crazy at home - it helps keep my mind busy. Thankfully everyone who knew were lovely to me, can't imagine how I'd feel with a colleague like yours xx

 

[whyme]

Thanks girls. I am honestly not a hard person and i would be lying if I said i can imagine what she is going through- I know I have a child and she is desparate for one. What i can't forgive is that she knew, she also knew I didn't want to talk about it, yet asked if I had been on holiday!! Then just went on and on about her pain. She is soo wrapped up in herself, she needs to see that others are dealing with their own (different) pain also. I didn't like confronting her, but I was so taken aback and needed her to realise what she is doing to other people and that it isn't all about her. She may have family pressure etc, but there are plenty of other people she can talk to - I am not particularly close to her, she is a colleague and as harsh as it may sound, I have to protect myself at the moment - it is really hard to stay positive without taking on other problems. I still maintain that nobody can appreciate MMC unless they have experienced it themselves. This website has helped me beyond belief - have never poured my heart out to cyberspace lol- thanks everyone for all your help and support x

 

[39YrMumtoOne]

Really sorry that you had such a bad first day back . It's so hard for people who've never had one to understand the emotional devastation that miscarriage brings with it - I certainly didn't. Your colleague clearly has her own issues but I can't imagine that she would want to upset you - it was probably just ignorance. Well done for taking her on and confronting her - hopefully she'll be a little more tactful in the future. I hope your other colleagues were more supportive and that you have good sources of support outside work.

I absolutely agree with what you say about your son not being a consolation prize (couldn't have put it better myself!) and it doesn't in any way reduce your loss. Several people have said the same thing to me. I explained how I felt to the ones I know well but didn't really feel I owed it to the others. They meant well, but just had no clue.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Sending you lots of positive vibes..

 

[whyme]

Thanks 39yrmumtoone - I read your thread - what a happy ending and I wish you the best of luck. xx

 

[39YrMumtoOne]

Thanks whyme. I really appreciate your generosity.

Hope you had a better day today!

 

[whyme]

Yes thank you - good day today, enjoyed it but avoided a certain person!

 

[kcw81]

I am sorry too you had such a hard first day. I bet the girl who was so lacking of tact didn't intentionally mean to make you feel bad. She just sounds VERY clueless about the proper way to act and what to say. I mean really really clueless. She must get into trouble all the time by sticking her foot in her mouth. That would suck for everyone having to be in on your loss, its nobody's business! Do you wish that no one knew about your pregnancy and MMC or are you glad that people know so you can talk about it? I had a MMC at 10 weeks and no one knew about it but my DH since we were keeping it quiet about TTC.

 

[whyme]

Thanks KCW81 - only close family knew I was pregnant, colleagues and friends know now and have been amazing support. I have found it good to talk , not to everyone, just close people, particuarly to people who have been through it, although it was very hard to face people initially. Everyone is different, but it has helped me to talk rather than bottle things up.

This woman at work was the only tactless person I have really encountered - what annoyed me was knowingly getting me to talk about it, but turn it totally around to her problems, how she has it far worse. Its not a competition.

If I get pregnant in the future, I think I would tell people earlier, so that people are aware and supportive in view of what has happened this time, it will be stressful enough, let alone, worrying alone.

 

[kcw81]

yeah it is kind of hard to be so alone with the MC and TTC in general. DH can only provide so much in the way of talking and support! I think thats why I like being on the internet so much on message boards! that woman at your work sounds completely clueless and self-centered. hope things get better now that you got the first day back out of the way!

 

[whyme]

yeah it is kind of hard to be so alone with the MC and TTC in general. DH can only provide so much in the way of talking and support! I think thats why I like being on the internet so much on message boards! that woman at your work sounds completely clueless and self-centered. hope things get better now that you got the first day back out of the way!

She definately is! It is very sad as she has gyane problems, can't have a baby and is considering egg donation, BUT she is SOOOO open about it all, tells everyone all about it and a few people, i know for a fact aren't too comfortable with that to be honest especially since she hasn't been workin with us too long. Obviously she isn't coping with it at all as it seems that she is soo wrapped up in her problems, she doesn't realise other people have their own (very different) problems/pain, (or maybe she does and its all woah is me, I have it far worse! ), I think more towards the latter to be honest. I have avoided her today, but did notice her staring at me earlier today, maybe her conscience has pricked her after all.

 

[kcw81]

yeah maybe her conscience has woken up, but probably not if she is as clueless as she seems. she was probably looking at you because she wanted to come over and tell you more about her problems. some people just lack the ability to see how they come across to others. they just aren't aware that they are overbearing and self centered and share way TMI with people who are only acquaintances! it's so weird!