First Pregnancy, First Loss

[CrowBaby]

It took me a week to decide to post this, but I feel I really should. I am slowly healing, my heart is still broken, but I'm growing stronger slowly.


At 6 weeks, I went to my OBGYN because I had some light spotting. Ultrasound showed a fetus, right on schedule in size, but too small for a check of the heart rate. They wanted me to come back in 1 week.

At 7 weeks, the baby was right on target, heart beat was at 100bpm, and they wanted me to come back in 1 week to see if it would raise to 120bpm.

At 8 weeks, the ultrasound tech told me she could not find a heart beat and that I had lost my little miracle. I was alone that day, my husband thinking that nothing would be wrong and that I would be there long enough to hear the heart beat and go home. Neither of us thought we would be in this place. The doctor sat me down and explained that I was having a missed abortion and that I would need to decide how to proceed. My brain was numb, proceed? Proceed with what? He was nice and said that my body was not ending the pregnancy at this time and I had 3 options. I could wait and let my body deal with it, take medicine that would force me to miscarry or have the D and C. My heart was shattered. Driving home, I was numb. I couldn't get ahold of my husband at work and I could barely make myself get in the door of my house. When he finally texted me, all I could get out, was no heart beat. He made the trip home in 10 minutes, grabbing me as he entered the bedroom, crying with me. I had to explain everything and I told him that I didn't want surgery, but I didn't want to wait. I had decided on the medicine.

They gave me Crysol (I think thats the right spelling). I took it the next night. The doctor only gave me IBuprofen (HUGE MISTAKE). At midnight, I was begging my husband to kill me, I couldn't handle the pain. He walked me through the house for 2 hours until I finally passed out. I have decided that if this ever happens again, I'm going with the D and C.

That Thursday, they did a full exam, told me the baby had been passed and that my levels for HSG was 3000 to come back Monday for more blood work. Monday, my HSG was 154. I go back next week to check it one more time.

Thank you for listening.

 

[LouOscar01]

I had the same experience as you. Heartbeat was there but a little slow, a week later it was stronger. 3 weeks later I had another scan and it had stopped beating and growing 2 weeks before.

I'd managed to convince myself it would be ok because we had seen a hearbeat.

I've never ever felt more broken.

I also had medical management but this failed and I had to have a suction evacuation and then got an infection.

It's been nearly 6 weeks since I found out our baby had died. I've never ever been through anything as difficult as this. The only thing that gives me a glimmer of hope is trying again. I'm back on my fertility meds and this has boosted me a little.

I'm so bitter and angry that this happened to me when I did everything I could to prepare for a healthy pregnancy. I'm really struggling to deal with those feelings at the moment.

I hope you begin to feel a little better soon. I'm here if you need to talk xxx

 

[CrowBaby]

Thank you! I feel the same way. Everytime I see a child's parent ignoring them, or worse, the parents who are murdering their kids (I am having to stay away from news sources right now.) I want to scream. Today, I realized, that if I could start trying now I would. I miss being pregnant. I miss talking to the little peanut and dreaming about all the good stuff that would happen. I even miss the uncertainity of everything.
I, too, had convienced myself that as long as I heard the heart beat, all would be ok. Even my doctor said she felt positive that the low heart rate was just a mis count (I ovulate very late in my cycle).

 

[LouOscar01]

I'm a teacher so I see a lot of parents who I just want to scream at!!

Straight after my miscarriage I was just desperate to start again. I don't feel guilty about being desperate to 'replace' the baby I have. I have mourned, am mourning and will continue to mourn for the baby I have lost but I also want to become pregnant again with a different baby.

My final scan following the failed medical management showed 'twins' in the same sac, though they never mentioned it before and they said it could be a 'blood clot'. So I don't know if I'm supposed to be mourning one baby or two! I'm only mourning the baby I knew and loved and felt was there...but then I feel guilty for not missing that baby.

I miss being pregnant so so much. It breaks my heart. I want so badly to be pregnant again.

 

[mrs.green2015]

Crow-

We were in the same Facebook group and again I'm so sorry for your loss. Idk what would be worse, finding out there was no heartbeat in the doctors office or seeing the baby/ sac come out on its own. That's what happened to me, I felt and then saw the sac/baby. I knew there was a possibility of this happening but I never knew it'd be this hard. One day I'm okay and the next I can't stop crying. I'm here to talk if either of you need it. I know how alone it feels and it's nice to have each other.