First time mum needs help with teenager.

[DGsGirl]

Im still new to the posting world of BnB but thought i would post something out here and hopefully get some help.

I am a new mum to a 3 month old DD and as of a month ago we (DB and i) have taken my SIL in due to issues at her moms place. My SIL is 14 and is like any typical teenager with the attitude and not really wanting to do anything but wanting everything her way and everything she wants. I well admit it that she was a little spoiled at her moms place. Her mom is a single mom that cant put her foot down and the dad only steps in when he wants to be the good guy and buy her things to get her love. There is an age difference between my SIL and DB of almost 11 years, so growing up he has tried to be the "father figure" in her life but was hard because he didnt really live at home and was working out of town lots.

I just feel that i need some advice on how to deal with a teen. Issuse like chores, homework (failing half her classes), do i need to have the talk with her about sex. Is there any other issues that i should be watching out for with her?

 

[10.11.12]

I'd just give her lots of love. Encourage her to invite friends over for the afternoon and set a curfew for when she needs to be home. Make yourself available to talk and help with homework.

Personally, I'd treat her like I would my child.

 

[Amarna]

I would firstly try to establish a relationship with her. I'm not sure how well you know each other or get along but I would focus on getting to know her, figuring out what motivates her and establishing the boundaries and rules of your relationship.

I'd only talk to her about sex if it becomes a concern, like if it's something that she brings up or if you see that she's obviously involved with someone.

Mainly I suggest showing an interest in her, in her life, hobbies, friends and classes. Encourage her to do her homework and study, offer to help her with it and do things like look over papers/assignments and offer constructive criticism on how she can improve.

 

[DGsGirl]

I think my relationship ispretty good with her. We are in a new area for both us and her so she has no friends in ther area. We ive in a town just outside the city. She use to live in the city. We let er have friends over and she can go to friends whenever. Also she goes to this teen group for curch every friday night. the think i worried about at this moment is that she well be drinking when she is at one of her group things or events that she is going to. She does have drinking in her past and has gotten in trouble for it but by her mother which didnt keep her foot done on it issue so it arose again.

I think im mostly finding it difficault because im not use to having to take care of one kid let alone two and one being a teen. I think i am mostly feeling that i have to do it all. My DB has gotten his Licence taken away until Aug which means i have to do all the drving. I drive SIL into the city and to school everyday which is only a half hour but i think the hard part is when im not feeling good like this past week with AF here. I feel like i am taking care of the DD and dealing with the SIL and driving if we need to go anywhere. The DB come home and is usually tired from his almost 10 hr work day and basically want to ea and go to bed. I have voiced to him that i feel i am taking care of everything(SIL, DD, Pets, House, Running around, ect) I think i am just feeling a little over welmed. Sorry for the rant

 

[DGsGirl]

I think my relationship is pretty good with her. We are in a new area for both us and her so she has no friends in ther area. We ive in a town just outside the city. She use to live in the city. We let er have friends over and she can go to friends whenever. Also she goes to this teen group for curch every friday night. the think i worried about at this moment is that she well be drinking when she is at one of her group things or events that she is going to. She does have drinking in her past and has gotten in trouble for it but by her mother which didnt keep her foot done on it issue so it arose again.

I think im mostly finding it difficault because im not use to having to take care of one kid let alone two and one being a teen. I think i am mostly feeling that i have to do it all. My DB has gotten his Licence taken away until Aug which means i have to do all the drving. I drive SIL into the city and to school everyday which is only a half hour but i think the hard part is when im not feeling good like this past week with AF here. I feel like i am taking care of the DD and dealing with the SIL and driving if we need to go anywhere. The DB come home and is usually tired from his almost 10 hr work day and basically want to ea and go to bed. I have voiced to him that i feel i am taking care of everything(SIL, DD, Pets, House, Running around, ect) I think i am just feeling a little over welmed. Sorry for the rant

 

[hellohefalump]

I'm in the exact same situation! I took on my little sister last year when she was fourteen.

I think it's just important to keep communications open, so she can come to you if she has a problem.

And yes, you should do the sex talk. Otherwise you might end up with another little baby!

My sister's been hard work (she has mental health problems) but with lots of love and stability she's now a lot better, and she's now really helpful around the house and with the kids.

 

[ValentinesGal]

Hope its okay to join in. I'm in the same boat as you...we've taken guardianship of DH's 12 year old cousin last month because his mom can't really take care of him anymore (she has mental disabilities) and he was on a troublesome road. I feel like the basics are covered, but so unsure of what to expect or if there are things we should be doing that we're not.

Good Luck!

 

[seoj]

You certainly have the right to rant hun... you have SO many layers in your life right now, and all ones that may take up much of your time. I would make sure your DB understand how much you are doing and that he truly needs to take on what he can to help make it easier for you ALL. If one family member struggles, it affects you all. So maybe just sit down and discuss what would make sense and where he can help more- and what you both need to do to help balance it all.

As for your teenage SIL... that's tough. You really need to be more of a parent to her right now- as it seems she hasn't really had one (least not one that set rules/boundaries well). Even though it would be easier to just sit back... she needs that right now. But maybe try setting up a trust with her first... let her know you care, that you want only the best for her. But if rules and boundaries are in place, then stick by them. She may resent you for it at first- but children crave the safety and care that comes with rules- even if they don't act like they do Teenagers too! We have a 14yr old in the house as well... even though she's not the "typical" teen, as she's very open and honest with us and never disrespectful... she still has her grippy moments. LOL. But we treat her age appropriate and she may not always agree with our assessment... but we do best for her, regardless of what she feels is OK. She's 14, not 20.

Every child can be different though and respond to things differently... so just trial and error will show you what works for her. Some kids respond great to allowing them to show you they are responsible- while others will just take advantage. You will come to know her best and find what works. It just may take some time.

As for sex talk- we just take the opportunity to talk about it whenever we can. If my SD mentions something someone at school said- I'll use that to segway into a convo about it and be honest and open with her. I think she appreciates that I don't hold back or lie to her or just say 'don't do it'- lol. I treat her with respect and trust she will make good decisions... fingers crossed!!!

You'll find your groove hun... and when you do things will just fall into place. Just don't second guess yourself... and go with your gut. That won't steer you wrong. Best of luck!

 

[DGsGirl]

First I want to thank everyone you guys are sure giving me stuff to think about.. But here is and update..

So since we have taken SIL her mom and dad still have some say of what goes on in her life. Since taking her we had the discussion about asking their mom for the child support and also voiced it to their dad (which he agrees with) but MIL was a Little hesitant at first the she agreed to give us some of the support cause she needed it cause it was the only source of income she has coming in (which is bs cause she is in school right now and should have some kind of funding) so she agreed to give us some on the first of march to cover her allowence and some of out grocery bill. So we were talking to her a week before then and everything was dandy then the first came up and we tried calling her and texting her to see when we could get the money and we got no kind of reply.. She finally msged us back and said that she can't give us the money but she would like the money that we owe her now and obviously we can't afford to give it to her if we have to ask for money from her to help support her child.. Also SIL is going into high school next year and since we have her I have been trying to get and answer from MIL if I am the one that has to take her to open houses or if she is going to do it. I msged her a dozen times over the course of two weeks and finally got a response the other day.. I got "NO I'm doing it!!" so I don't know what to do about that situation. But then two days ago the DB final got sick of his moms sh*t and went to his dad about the child support issue. Well we were at the FIL house they decided they were going to have a talk with SIL (it kind of felt like they were attacking her but that was kind of how I saw it. Granted yes some of the topics they talked to her about she needs to think about) they talked about thinks like her needing to get a job and where she wants to go for school and then the big topic they talked about was her living arrangements. She has I guess been telling her dad that she doesn't like living her because of the rule but she like everything else about living here. So they were asking her where she want to continue to live. Her answer was she wants to live with us during the school year and in the summer move back in with her mom. But later she told me (just me) she doesn't want to move back to her moms cause her new bf but she likes the freedom that she had at her moms last summer and because this is her last summer before high school she wants to Beatle to "come and go" as she pleases. She can't do that at our place because we live twn minutes out of the city and there is no bus that comes out here. So I told her that me and her and DB well sit down in a less stressful setting and talk about it in more detail.

But I guess the thing that I would like to know is what other topics other then sex she we be talking to her about? Should we be getting her parents involved in these talks?

Thanks again everyone.

 

[ValentinesGal]

Not sure if its helpful, but DH and I decided on some talks with our cousin. We just had a discussion about smoking and plan to have a talk about drugs in a few months and then the sex talk during the summer...we don't want to bombard him all at once. We've also been stressing the importance of responsibility and accountability and given him the opportunity to make some pocket money from us and the neighbors by doing yard work. He's just never had any kind of structure to his life and we're trying to do it little by little and suprisingly enough, he's loving having more responsibilities...not sure why, but I think maybe he likes the of freedom that comes with it that he didn't have before...like being able to walk to the bus stop alone (its 5 houses down lol), so he feels more grown up and keeping his room clean without being asked, so he'll have computer time.

Keep up the good work...sounds like it is getting better. It's just tough when you have to okay so many things or get things arranged with mom or dad, especially if they're giving you the run around and being difficult...you're doing this great favor to help them and to give their child a step-up, but sometimes it seems like they don't really appreciate what you're doing...it may sound selfish, but sometimes I wish I didn't have to go through his mom all the time because she doesn't always make decisions that are really in her children's best interests, but she's his mom and has the say-so

 

[amelietm]

u gotta learn her to love her little sister !