FOB wants to have 5 month old DD on his own...

[Kacie]

He's never been alone with her.. I left when she was 6 weeks old and he paid no interest in her in those 6 weeks.. since i left he has seen her twice a week and made a real effort to know her. She is now 5 months old and he is pushing to take her for a couple of hours twice a week.. I know it doesn't sound much but it is a huge step for me. It will mean the ultimate break for me and FOB as we currently meet and chat while he sees LO so now I'll only see him at the door to pick up and drop off. But more importantly, I am not sure if I am ready to have her away from me for that time.. she is breastfeedng and, although sh will take a bottle she still has that comfort suckle when she gets upset.

How did you ladies feel when FOB had you LO(s) away from you for the first time... does it get easier? I just know I'll be stressed the whole time!

xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Bex1p]

If your not ready for it, dont do it. If you need an excuse, tell him shes having a growth spurt and feeding every hour or so....or tell him he'll have to wait a few months to get to know her better first.

It will be a long long time before my LO is unsupervised with his dad.

If he makes the effort getting to know her and you feel you and LO are ready then go for it, but until then I wouldnt do anything your not comfortable with

 

[BlaireUK]

I think this is a really difficult question with no right or wrong answer. My sister has gone through this and she found it the most difficult stage of their break up.

The only thing I would say is that your beautiful daughter deserves the opportunity to bond with her daddy. She's been so lucky to have you there for her all the time but if her dad's about and wants to be involved then surely its best for her that she gets to know him?

My sister is now just over a year down the line and my nephew is on overnights with his daddy. My nephew loves it. She hates it but she know's it s best for him.

Maybe its something you can consider phasing in? Like an hour this week, two next, three the follow week etc?

 

[gemabee]

i know its gonna be hard on u... but as much as u don't like it, u have to let ur lo nd her dad have a relationship.
she's 5 months old already nd if ur oh was to take u to court he would probably get more access than ur allowin him atm.
i think u need to try nd be more open to ur ex havin ur lo... cos if he starts to get frustrated with ur lack of compromise he could make things difficult.
i know its hard havin to share ur child... but at the end of the day he is jus as much her parent as u are... u jus have the better bond.

 

[lou_w34]

Actually as her LO is breastfed the court will take this into consideration and he will probably get the same amount that she is offering him now, infact it could even be less, the most common arrangement that the courts usually give for breastfed babies is a couple of hours every two weeks or so, As they like the mothers to be around ready to feed the baby.

xx

 

[gemabee]

Actually as her LO is breastfed the court will take this into consideration and he will probably get the same amount that she is offering him now, infact it could even be less, the most common arrangement that the courts usually give for breastfed babies is a couple of hours every two weeks or so, As they like the mothers to be around ready to feed the baby.

xx

not if the mother can express.
this comes from personal experience.
my best friend has had his son for 3 nights a week since he was 3 months old... the mum expresses.

plus the fob only wants his lo for a couple of hours a couple of times a week anyway - he just wants that time on his own... so he doesn't want more time.

i think the matter in question here is the op wantin to be there when fob sees lo...

 

[sweetlullaby]

My opinion - if OP isn't comfortable letting FOB have her daughter on his own twice a week for a couple of hours each time then she doesn't have to let him Just explain to him that you arn't comfortable with that but when he does come round to see LO you'll be happy to leave the room or let him bath her or something while you get other stuff done and take it slowly from there.

My LO is nearly one and I hate having to leave him with his childminder when Im working lol I think it's something that every mother struggles with regardless of the situation - fob, childminder, family, nursery etc but it's up to the OP what she feels comfortable with and everyone is different

 

[Kacie]

Thanks guys.

I have tried expressing and could never get more than a couple of ozs at a time so that wasn't an option and I have struggle no end with lo taking a bottle. FOB was pushing right from the start of the break up for LO to have bottles so I let him try to feed her a bottle a few times and she just screamed which proved to him I wasn't making it up. I have finally got her to take bottles now but I am still breast feeding and the bottle is there for emergencies only, not an everyday thing yet. he knows that so now we are at a point where it is feasable for him to have her without me there but not for long periods of time.

I wanted to leave it until she was 6 months so i said after christmas. But I have let him take her on walks and things whilst I've been in optician's apointments and he comes to the flat and plays with her whilst i get on with housework and things so I am trying to get used to the idea. I was worried how he would get on as I never saw him interact with her in the first six weeks she was born. But I have watched him since an he seems to be ok.. he makes Sure that there is nothing on the floor for her to pick up and put in her mouth.. the one thing that does worry me is that he has the chihuahuas at his and I was there the other day and he picked DD up and put her face to face with one of the dogs and the dog licked her face.. FOB just laughed and said aww isn't that cute.. It's NOT cute it's unhygeinic and dangerous! they used to be my dogs too and I know they can snap at anything.. I wasn't impressed but he still thinks it was harmless so i worry about that.

But my main wory is that she screams blue murder when i leave the room for two long.. i left her with my mum for an hour, she had been fed and mum was equiped with toys, nappies and a bottle. I came back to a shrieking baby with eyes and nose streaming! never seen her like that before and i was only in the next room! I just worry she is not ready for it and will get too distressed... is that silly?

xxxxxxx

 

[Kacie]

Anyway I am now thinking that i may book a hair appointment for next wednesday to dye my hair.. that may take a couple of hours so i can drop her with fob then and see how it goes. i hope it goes well as i wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to her when i wasn't there.

xxxxxxx

 

[lou_w34]

A court will never force a mother to express, whether she can or cant.

I agree with sweetlullaby

x

 

[gemabee]

a father is just as much the childs parent as the mother is... some of the opinions here are screwed up nd unfair on the child.

 

[sweetlullaby]

I would say hun then based on the updated post you've made if you want to go and get your hair done next wednesday and you feel comfortable enough to let FOB have LO for those two hours or so while you're getting your hair done then let him do it.

But do speak to him about the dogs and holding LO up to the dog to lick her face. Your LO is a stranger to the dog's and they may not take to kindly to having a baby in their face that could poke the dog in the eye or slap at it in curiousity and the dog could easily turn. He need's to introduce LO slowly to them not shove her in their faces!

My childminder has a dog but it is kept outside when LO is there because she understands fully that my LO could terrorise it and her dog could snap back at him no matter how playful/child friendly and cute she is! Im also a little bit paranoid about dog's and children (i was bitten by a family member's dog as a child)

And then see how it goes from there. If your LO is upset and distressed the whole time and you arn't happy then you can always try again when she's a little older.

It's completly up to you hun, what you feel comfortable with and what you believe your LO can cope with.

Keep us updated hun! I know a lot of the girls on here struggle with the same thing so would be interesting to hear how everything goes no matter your decision

 

[Kacie]

a father is just as much the childs parent as the mother is... some of the opinions here are screwed up nd unfair on the child.

I am not sure where this comes from. I hope this didn't get into an argument. I was just after a bit of advice and I can assure you that DD is my first priority.

I am not saying that I don't want him to see her. I know he has rights and I know FOB has the right to spend time with DD alone too and I really want them to have a good relationship. I just know that it is going to be difficult step to take to have DD away from me for any period of time and I am looking for advise on how to deal with the feelings and emotions that I will be going through when I do..

I was also wondering whether or not it is fair on a 5 month old, breastfeeding baby who is used to the constant attachment of their mother, to suddenly be in an unfamiliar enviroment where they can't call on mummy or booby to comfort themselves. My Mum says that in a month or two DD wont be so attached to breastfeeding as a comforter so it will be easier for her to wait until then. But then the other side of that maybe she needs to be away from me to learn to soothe herself?

Anyway, as you can see, I am struggling with it but know that it is something that i have to do. So we will have the trial run on Wednesday and see how it goes. I know I will be an emotional wreck, but at least if I'm having my hair done then I can take my mind off of it a bit.

Thank you for the support ladies

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[sweetlullaby]

Sounds like you're doing the right thing hun and whats best for your daughter!

My LO is away from me tonight for the first time ever and I feel sick to my stomach even though I know he's perfectly safe and happy and being spoilt rotten at my mum's!

 

[suzanne108]

Just wrote a big reply then lost it

Basically I've been in a very similar situation but LO was about 8 or 9 months old. I let FOB take her & didn't stop crying the whole time BUT when she came back she seemed fine & didn't look distressed or anything! Now he takes her for a few hours everytime he sees her & honestly I look forward to a break! I still don't feel comfortable with overnights but a few hours is OK.

I agree with the other ladies that you should only do what you feel comfortable with but I think you will only feel totally OK with it once the first time is over & done with.

I think you're doing the right thing by letting him take LO whilst you have your hair done. I would speak to him about the dogs though xx

 

[scottishgal89]

Totally agree with everything sweetlullaby said.
Hope it goes okay for you

 

[mummy2jack]

I am in this exact position except my son is oly nearly 3 months. His dad has been on the scene but we split up all the time so it will go from him being here for so many days then he'll go back to his house for 3 and this has been happening for a while. i have now come to the point in my own head that the relationship has run its course. Far too many thing have happened that i just dont feel the same anymore.
Anyway during the relationship (he has 2 from previous) he would do things with the kids that i didn't agree with, but as they were not my children, i felt it wasn;t up to me to say anything. Over the times when we have split and are trying to sort out access etc, i think about the little things he did which if he did with my lo, i would go mad. How do i resolve it in my head. It has got nasty with his family threatening me with social services etc. How do you sort access thats fair? It would be so much easier for me to close the door on him totally. I know your all gonna say but my lo has a right to see his dad. I get that, but would it not be better that as he doesn't have memeories of him, to do it while he still to young to know any different, rather than seeing daddy, then not seeing daddy. I am scared cos if i let him have lo, if things got nasty again, i wouldn;t have a leg to stand on cos would have already let him have lo. a court would say if you thought this....why did you let him go in first place then.
Its difficult cos fob can be like 2 different people. one he's wonderful father (when things are going ok) other he goes to his house with his other 2 kids and doesn't give me or lo a second thought for a number of days.
Really dont know what to do for the best. Obviously my lo is my top priority, its so hard knowing the right decision.
Really sorry i have just unloaded all that on you lol
I totally understand how you must be feeling, like ohers have said, see how your hair appointment goes and take it from there xx