Getting fed up...not sure what to do

[aidensxmomma]

I don't post here often, but I'm looking for some opinions on my situation. I also kind of need to rant a bit, too.

I have two children with my ex-husband, a 7 year old son and 6 year old daughter. My ex and I have been split up for over 3 years and we finalized our divorce last June. We've been able to co-parent pretty well and we get along well. We have joint custody of the kids and I have primary placement; so he is supposed to have the kids every other weekend. He lives 45 minutes away.

So in our divorce, we decided that whoever doesn't have the kids is in charge of pickup. So Fridays he's supposed to come get them from me and I'm supposed to pick them up on Sundays. Well, he lost his license around a year ago and so I've been doing all of the traveling for visitation since September. Quite frankly, I'm sick of having to do all the driving to/from. I don't want to stop him from seeing the kids, but I don't think it should constantly be my responsibility to get the kids where they need to be and absorb all the expenses of that. I just don't know what other options I have

Also, there's been a series of problems the last 9 months or so and I'm not sure how to handle it. This will be a little lengthy, so I apologize. Sometime within the last two years, my ex was arrested for a DUI. He didn't have the kids or anything, but that's how he ended up losing his license. He continued driving and apparently started getting fines for it. I didn't know much about it until September 2015. He was taking the kids up to his parents house (which is fine) but he ended up getting pulled over and arrested. He was arrested in front of the kids No one bothered to tell me until that Sunday when his sister met me to drop off the kids. My kids were pretty shaken up about watching their dad get arrested. I did my best to try to help them work through it and their dad was out of jail after the weekend. He resumed visitation after that as normal, but that's when I started doing all the driving. Anyway, since then, my ex has been arrested at least 2 more times - I believe all of the arrests were because of outstanding fines/warrants due to him driving without a license.

The most recent time he got arrested was last weekend, another weekend that he had the kids. I dropped the kids off at his house Friday night. On Saturday morning, I got a text from my ex saying that he had been robbed. I text him once I got his message and so he called me saying that he had been robbed and also that he got arrested. He left the kids with his friends while he was in jail but he was able to bail himself out right away. He asked me to come get the kids since he wasn't comfortable with them staying at his house for the rest of the weekend. I went to get the kids right away and while the kids were getting ready, he told me that all of his gaming systems have been stolen along with my son's pokemon cards, which my son was quite upset about. Fortunately everyone was okay and the kids don't seem too upset about the break-in. My ex also mentioned that he doesn't have heat at his place (I really thought he did, it's never cold there so I just assumed) and the police were really upset about that, so now I'm worried CPS is going to start getting involved, too. Not that there's anything I'm trying to hide or whatever, just that it would be incredibly stressful for me and the kids and probably somewhat traumatic for us all as well. So, now I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I don't want to keep my kids from their dad by any means. He loves them and him and the kids are close and have a good relationship. But stuff like this can't keep happening. It's hard on the kids when their dad gets arrested in front of them. And now he's not comfortable taking the kids until he gets a new lock/door so he doesn't get robbed again. This means that I have no idea when he's going to resume visitation again, which is hard on the kids because their weekends with daddy aren't going to happen. It's not fair on them for visitation to be so inconsistent. I know that my ex also has a court date coming up for sentencing for one of his arrests - there's a possibility he'll go to jail so that makes things even worse. Combine all of that with the frustration of having to do all the driving for visitation and I'm at my wits end.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to keep my kids from their dad, but it's getting really difficult to trust him with them because traumatic things tend to happen when they're with him. I don't even know what my options are. My mom tells me that I should quit bringing the kids to him since it's not my responsibility, but I'm not sure if that's fair. I really don't know.

So what do you all think?

 

[daneuse27]

First of all, I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, and the kids.

I think your ex's life sounds unstable, and not one that I'd want my child involved with. Getting arrested, "robbed", leaving kids with a friend while in jail (do you even know the friend?) and the worst part is probably getting that DUI in the first place. I have zero tolerance for people who drive drunk. He could have killed someone. Is this behaviour always been typical of him, or mainly since the divorce?

I would look into counselling for your kids, if you haven't already. Adjusting to a divorce, while also see their dad back poor choices, and seeing him be arrested as icing on the cake must be very hard for them to process and think about. It might help for them to talk to someone about their feelings.

I would not be driving them out to see their Dad anymore. Even if he did feel comfortable, I'd still have huge doubts and reservations because of the stuff that has been happening. If he was truly robbed, that means an intruder was in the house while your kids were there sleeping. That alone would freak me out too much to ever send them back (until at least he gets a safer apartment and cleans up his lifestyle significantly.)

I hope there is some way that he can take public transit to visit them once weekly or bi-weekly. He's the one telling you not to bring them to him anymore, so he should have another plan for how he's still going to see them and be apart of their lives. If he doesn't, well... that's another red flag.

I hope that with time he can be the dad that they deserve, but for now, he is not. I know it might be sad for them to lose those weekends with him, but I think it will be worth it, for their and even your wellbeing, at least until he improves.

 

[baileybubs]

I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in Hun, it sounds very tricky, but I agree with PP. I think it sounds like your ex needs to get some control over his life before he can be responsible enough to have the kids for the weekend. Is there any way you could ask him to just visit them for a while whilst he sorts himself out? Maybe that he comes and takes them out for the day, or visits them at your house so that you know they aren't being put in danger or in upsetting situations?

My ex doesn't drive and at first I was driving them to see him all the time, he said he'd give petrol money but never did and never paid any support money either so after a while of spending all of my time and money I made the hard decision of telling him he had to come on the train to see them every other week to make it fair. Needless to say whenever it was his turn to travel he always cancelled so I then said he always had to travel to prove that he could be bothered making an effort to see his kids. Sadly now he's only seen them once in the last 12 months and they don't really know who he is. It was a hard thing to do but I came to the conclusion that my kids deserve a dad who is willing to try and see them and isn't only seeing them because I bring them to him. My kids need consistency and don't need to be let down by their dad so until he can be responsible and take on the role of father properly then I am not aiding him to be lazy when it comes to parenting. Everyone is different and some people may disagree but I have never ever stopped him from seeing them, he simply can't be bothered making the effort for himself and maybe that's how you need to look at it from your ex. If you didn't drive them would he bother making the effort for himself? Is there any way that he can still see them regularly without having to stay over with him until he's got things straight with his drinking and issues with the arrests?

 

[UBC Mom]

Wow. I would say it's his problem if he can't pick the kids up. You've made it your problem by assuming responsibility for all the travel. Put the problem back on him. Stop doing all the traveling. Explain to your kids why their Dad isn't seeing them regularly. He seems unstable. That is his issue not yours. Don't take on other people's problems.

 

[Noria]

I agree with UBC mom!