Has anybody stopped before they were ready because of OHs wishes?

[kmbabycrazy]

I have always imagined having a bigger family and when me and OH first discussed having a family together we agreed we wanted 4 kids (including my son from a previous relationship). After DD was born I felt like I could have 1 more and I'd be happy and feel the family was complete and for a while OH agreed, but now he is adamant he doesn't want anymore.

I'm not wanting to try any time soon as I will be starting uni at the end of the month and would like to get started in my career before having another, and I am happy to wait that long but OH says no and that when he's 30 (3 years) he will be having a vasectomy. I'm heartbroken and don't know what to feel. Part of me feels like if he doesn't want anymore that's the way it has to be and I can't force him, but another part feels like he's being a little selfish. Then again maybe that's the part of me that's being selfish. I just don't know.

Has anyone else been in this position that could offer any advice/comfort?

 

[Baby Bell]

Sorry iv not been in this position to offer advice. Why does your oh not want any more, what's changed? I don't think your being selfish as it is something you've both discussed and he agreed with you,now he's back tracking. I hope you come to a joint decision on the matter rather than one person dictating.

 

[beth_terri]

A posted similar a while ago. I always wanted 3. He refuses to have anymore.

Thankfully my desperation for another has gone, possibly down to my lack of sleep lol

 

[kmbabycrazy]

Sorry iv not been in this position to offer advice. Why does your oh not want any more, what's changed? I don't think your being selfish as it is something you've both discussed and he agreed with you,now he's back tracking. I hope you come to a joint decision on the matter rather than one person dictating.

Well this is what I feel like he's doing. I think he's being unfair as he seems to think because he doesn't want anymore he's the one that gets to make the decision if that makes sense. I think he feels he gets more put out by having another when he doesn't want one than I would be not having another when I want another because I already have kids, iykwim.

I don't know what's changed, I don't know if it's just a phase because she's at the age of trying to play with everything, especially what she's not supposed to, but he seems pretty certain that he doesn't want anymore. I asked if maybe he could give it some time, like wait until she is in school and then see how he feels but he's not willing to even compromise a little. If I say we'll talk about it in a few years he just says "we can but I'll still say no".

I feel like I'm too young (22) to be done with having kids. I didn't breastfeed either for very long (11 days and 6 days) and only discovered the reason why I struggled a couple of months after Lily (both have upper lip tie) so I would love to try again. I didn't get the homebirth I always wanted (DS I lived with mum and brothers and sisters and felt it was unfair on them and DD OH was too scared so I went to hospital for him thinking I would have another chance for it though I had to be induced anyway). I would love to experience pregnancy again and labour and watching them learn everything from scratch. Lily is only 13 months and I already miss that first bit of getting to know each other.

I just feel a little robbed I suppose by not getting another chance. But in a way I think he thinks me being so desperate to have another one is somehow saying I'm ungrateful for the wonderful children I already have. Which is of course completely untrue x

 

[amazed]

I think hes being a lil selfish, you both talked about it and he wanted another, and now he don't, I think its unfair for him to just say no, it should be about compromising xx

 

[Pearls18]

I don’t think it’s selfish or unfair for him to change his mind, it’s very easy to have a number in your head but change it once you have children. For me, my make or break was that we must have 2 children, if DH didn’t want children at all or only one that would be enough for me to evaluate the relationship because I want children and because I wouldn’t want that child to be an only child. However, now that we have 2 I sort of have an urge for a 3rd, whereas I know DH will be happy and want to stop with our 2. I love my husband too much to sacrifice our relationship for a 3rd child, if it was choosing between1 or 2 children over my hubby children would have won, but now I have 2 children I have to compromise and say that I want my hubby more. This is my personal feeling on it. I think it’s natural for people’s feelings to change once they have had a child and I wouldn’t hold it against him too much.

 

[kmbabycrazy]

I get that, like I said it's probably the selfish part in me that's finding him selfish. I think it's just his attitude towards it, like there's no discussion. And you've changed your mind to have more he's changed it to have less and I think there is quite a difference in that. It's like his word is law and he doesn't care that it's hurting me to stop when I'm not ready, he's not been sympathetic about it he's just basically said "tough shit".

 

[Pearls18]

Well he definitely shouldn't be talking like that, this is the kind of thing you can;t really compromise on perse but he has to be sympathetic to your feelings.

 

[kmbabycrazy]

Yeah well all I'm really asking for is to talk about it when I've finished uni and am in a stable career. I'm not saying that we have to because after all that time I could have changed my mind and so could he. I'm asking to not make a decision yet. But he's adamant that he's having it done when he's 30 and I won't have even finished uni by then.

 

[Pearls18]

Tbh it's the same for me in that I know DH doesn't want anymore although we haven't talked about it seriously, and I MIGHT want one but not too sure yet and it would be a few years before I'd consider it, so instead of getting into a tizz now I'm going to wait and see how I feel, when the time comes I know I want one more I will discuss it with DH but wouldn't expect him to necessarily be game, a lot can change in a couple years.

 

[mummylove]

Me and my oh said 3 when i was pregnant with my first. We went on to have a second and he said he doesnt want anymore. I would love another but i am happy the way we are. If he changes his mind in future then we will see when time comes

 

[kmbabycrazy]

Thanks ladies. I think I will just speak to him closer to the time he plans on getting the vasectomy and just hope he changes his mind or at least waits a little longer so we can discuss it at a better time and not when I'm in the middle of uni x