Having a hard time with MMC

[jcleary10]

I feel like no one really understands how I am feeling. Even if this is just to vent, I really feel like I need to express my emotions.

After 2 long and excruciating years, we finally got pregnant. My first ultrasound at 6.5 weeks I was measuring a little behind. At 7.5 weeks I was measuring really behind but there was a heartbeat. At 8.5 weeks there was no heartbeat and no growth since 6 weeks. I had a D&C three weeks ago and we did genetic testing since it took us so long to get pregnant and only got pregnant through assistance (IUI and Femara). Everything came back normal with the tissue and we are waiting for blood work results to see if we have something else going on.

Anyways, a lot of my facebook friends are announcing their pregnancies, about 4 to be exact, and their due dates are all in March, when we would have had our baby. I just know that if everything would have went well, we would be announcing our baby right now too and we would be celebrating. I'm just really having a hard time. I am happy for them but my heart is absolutely broken. I also have to go to a baby shower on Saturday and I just feel that its too soon. I know that it is selfish and I am so mad at myself for being upset, but it just isn't fair. Nothing about this is fair. I am so angry.

 

[HelenJane]

No its not selfish. Dont go if you feel you cant cope. Its normal.
I feel angry too and understand how you feel. Alot of ladies on here have been through the same thing and it definitely helps to talk and vent. We are here to help and listen.

 

[Left wonderin]

J clearly I'm so sorry for your loss . Its such a huge loss and leave a big hole . I know you are not ok right now but you will be . Right now do what you need to do to grieve your LO. Your loss is real. From experience time really helps . One day you will wake up and realise you have had a good day , where able not to cry that day .. And soon the good days start outweighing the bad ones . Until then take one hour at a time xxxxxxx

 

[pinksmarties]

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a MMC and felt exactly as you did. There were quite a few people in work that were pregnant and I hated it, I couldn't even give them eye contact. I avoided anything related to pg/babies and if it was me there is no way I could have survived a baby shower. Please do what you need to do to feel okay.

It took me a while so feel better, I found BnB because of the the mmc and so much support from here.

I know it won't feel like it at the moment and its hard to believe people when they say it will start to feel better with time, but it will.

I think not knowing 'why' (I had testing and all was seemingly okay) and blaming myself was the biggest thing for me to overcome but again it takes time to learn to accept that there was nothing I did or didn't do to make this happen.

Hugs

 

[lesondemavie]

You are definitely understood and not alone. I went through an mmc with our very first pregnancy back in February. My heart still grieves the loss of that baby now 7 months later even with what we hope is the start of our rainbow. Every bfn threw me back into grief for what we had but lost. I feel like my heart swelled with this love that I had never known before and then shattered into a million pieces. We were so happy and even now it's hard to get that back.

It may be selfish but if there is ever a time for that to be ok it's now. You need to take care of yourself first. I did not go to my SIL's baby shower, we are waiting until the end of this month to even meet our new nephew. I barely hugged her or looked at her (my SIL) at her grandfather's funeral in June. I've avoided my pregnant coworker honestly I had trouble even looking in her direction. I crossed my arms and did not look happy when my new coworker came in with her 1 month old in tears saying it's not worth it (probably postpartum). I called out sick for her welcome back party at our weekly meeting. I've unfollowed just about everyone with young kids or pregnancies on Facebook. I even had a hard time seeing bfps on here no matter the journey. I've been incredibly selfish, and in a way I feel awful about it...but mostly I just feel like they're the ones in the happy privileged position and I was just doing my best to scrape by.

I wrote to my SIL to apologize and open up a bit more about how I was feeling. I told her that maybe I'm a jerk but I'm just doing the best I can and if she had a guidebook on how to be a good SIL and new aunt all while grieving my own loss to send it my way. She seemed to understand.

Anyway point is there are no rules and we all just do the best we can. Whatever that is for you is completely normal and definitely ok. I've felt my best after I faced something really hard and unloaded a bunch of emotion all at once. Letting out the worst of my thoughts and feelings is healing, but it takes time to get to a place where you can. Everyone in their own time. And then when you think you're through the worst of it more feelings will bubble up and surprise you. It's been a journey with ups and downs, but it's my journey and it's all I've got.

Wishing you all the best in your own path and hoping you can forgive yourself for not being an amazing friend right now xxx

 

[Jalanis22]

Your not alone! I also went through MMC and it is hard to deal with but as time passes you will learn to forgive and love again. My MMC was 2 years ago exactly on Halloween day so i will never forget my baby! After the baby it took me 4 months after to get pregnant and i got my rainbow baby. You will cope with it as time goes, its a loss we will never forget but just understand things happen for a reason. You got support from us here.