Help please! Children outside of marriage?

[tinltl]

Hi everybody! I'm new here. I need some advise... I have a 12 month old baby and I think I'm ready for another. My OH says he's ready for another as he doesn't want his children to have big age gaps. Financially, we can afford to have another baby and we both want a big family.

My biggest concern is what my family is going to think, because we aren't married. Our son was not planned but both our families were overjoyed to hear the news.

My mother keeps telling me she is fine with our decision not to get married, but when I bring up having more children she looks at me with disappointment and says things like "oh well it would be nice if you would get married first".

Now, I do want to get married, but we're just not in a rush to do so.

What are your thoughts on children outside of marriage?

 

[Pixxie]

As long as you're happy who cares?! It's your life, do what makes you happy not everyone else.

 

[aidensxmomma]

As long as you're happy who cares?! It's your life, do what makes you happy not everyone else.

I completely agree.

My DH and I had our first two children before we got married, and we got married when I was 8 months pregnant with our third. Like you, we just weren't in any rush to get married. Just do what makes you happy.

 

[tristansmum]

personally for me marriage first was important BUT my opinion doesn't matter. its totally your choice. these days its hardly taboo to have children outside of marriage. plus an expensive wedding isn;t always financially possible esp with a baby already. totally individual choice and if people have a problem with it then they aren't very good friends.

 

[tsyhanochka]

As an "illegitimate child" I will honestly tell you the kid(s) will be alright. My father wasn't in the picture and I turned out alright. I have the master's degree and career to prove it.
So if you are in a committed relationship all the more stable for your kid(s). What would a piece of paper change at this point?

We aren't in any rush either. We won't be doing a fancy wedding when we do go for it. Vegas baby!

Do what feels right. Your guys are really all that matters!

 

[racheluk]

If its OK with you then why not, all a baby needs is love and you can get that outside marriage, outside a 'normal' relationship or anywhere.

Marriage is so over rated, If you love each other then you don't have to prove it to anyone else...

Good luck

 

[MindUtopia]

I completely agree with the others, it's totally about what you both feel comfortable doing and about what is best for you and your family together. It doesn't matter what other people think. For my husband and I, it was important for us to be married before we even thought about having children, but we aren't from the same country and we've been through so much immigration crap already that we wanted the legal security that marriage could bring for our family. Though I live in the UK now, it's quite possible that I might have to go back to the U.S. either for work or for family related things (for instance, to care for my mother when she gets older, as I'm an only child), and we wanted to know it would be easier for my husband to join us there if that was to happen. We had to work that out for us and decide what's best, and that's something you have to do too. Just don't let it be the cost of a wedding that puts you off, that's just a day, and not worth all the hoopla that surrounds it if 'being married' instead of 'having a wedding' is what is important to you. Otherwise, just explain why it's a non-issue for you and why you feel secure in your relationship and as a family without marriage and hopefully people respect that.

 

[Mum 2 Quigley]

Just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents aswell! I started TTC 8 months ago, got engaged in Jan (after TTC) and am getting married next month. We decided family was more important to us than actually being married. Now, we will get married before kids, but only cos we haven't had our BFP yet! While planning the wedding, I have been thinking "thank god we're doing this before kids" but thats purely based on the fact that we're so broke, cos everything we have is going towards paying for the wedding! If I were you, I'd start TTC whenever you're ready. You should set up a little side account to put some money away in, cos as your family grows, you'll find it harder and harder to pay for a wedding.
It's such an enjoyable time, and you need to do it when you are ready to, and not for other people's reasons! that way you'll have fun planning your wedding!

On the other hand, to get married now will mean that only having one child to babysit might mean you get more of a chance of a honeymoon!!

good luck with whatever you decide!!

 

[tinltl]

Thanks for the advice ladies. I think we're going to go ahaed and start TTC.

 

[F0xybabe]

My mom is the same way. She's has very strict Christian values and believes you should be married before you have kids. A few months ago when we thought we were going to start ttc (we decided to wait because of my schooling) I told her we were gonna try for a baby and while she was okay with it, she said "why would he be okay with giving you a baby but not marrying you?". We got engaged not long after but whenever I bring up babies and how badly I want one she says "yes.. After marriage of course!"

We are ttc now anyway and I'm nervous to tell my mom when it happens. But in the end it is up to you! Like others said, you don't need a piece of paper to prove your love, and there's no need to rush either to get married. We are happily engaged and while sometimes I go through phases of being wedding crazy, we are not planning anytime soon!

 

[FoxMommy]

We also had our first as a fantastic surprise... We are planning on getting married eventually...but we are also planning to ttc #2 first. We decided that in ordere for our parents to know it was intentiona/avoid any shocked responses that we told them we are going to have another baby before we get married... Had very little resistance surprsisingly.

 

[FoxMommy]

Wow, typos oops. I hate the iPad.

 

[Mum 2 Quigley]

That's what I did with my mum, I told her before I went off BC that we were going to start trying soon. I'd hate to think that people think that something we tried so hard for and wanted so badly was an accident!

 

[Babee_Bugs]

I've been with my partner for nearly 9 years! We had our first son within 10 months of meeting each other, being 18 and 21... Paying out for a expensive wedding, when we needed a house, stuff to fill it and baby stuff just wasn't our main priority..

Then I fell pregnant with our second son, when my partner was made redundant from work and we had to move house due to damp etc.... Again a wedding just wasn't our priority.

We have talked about it, but then 2 year ago we bought our own house and it needed everything doing to it! So again we had no money and just wasn't a priority

We were thinking of going to a register office to book a date to get married and that same day I found out I was pregnant!

So now? Bugger it, something is telling us not to bother getting married. Our relationship is fine the way it is, I'd rather spend the money on my boys than pay for a piece of paper to change my surname... Why change something, that is perfectly fine the way it already is?

 

[nickiez]

I agree with you and everyone else...you do not need marriage to create a family but planning for your future with benefits and rights in case something happens...that is when the piece of paper is important...just a thought for later on down the road...

 

[HippyDip]

That's what I did with my mum, I told her before I went off BC that we were going to start trying soon. I'd hate to think that people think that something we tried so hard for and wanted so badly was an accident!

I completely with you, that I wouldn't want people to think being pregnant was an accident,however I'm not in a position to have that conversation with my mum beforehand. It's mad, I'm 30 and I'm half afraid my mum will fall out with me if I'm lucky enough to become pregnant, cos its outside of marriage. I certainly won't be expecting any support from her.

I think this time TTC has somehow been helpful in making me own my decision to start our family. As each month passes, I want it more and more so that's bound to happen.

nickiez your right though its definitely something for the future. I had a conversation with my oh yesterday about next of kin's while filling out a donor card. He couldn't understand why he couldn't be my next of kin, but even if he signed it, it wouldn't have a legal stand point. got me thinking. would be a few years off, anywho I've a fantasy in my head of having our son/daughter as flower girl/page boy.....a girl can dream