Home birth after traumatic first birth - fears of pain

[Viola Payne]

I wanted to have a hb with my first but after 26 hours of labouring at home i got very tired of the pain and went to the hospital. I naively thought they would help me but instead they drugged me against my will, forced me to go two days without food, psychologically abused me by saying i was a bad mother for refusing to have a c-section, which they wanted me to have because of "lack of progress". It was an awful, traumatic experience that left me in pieces for weeks. I am now terrified of hospitals and I hate my previous midwife (the first person i've really hated as an adult). I'm now 9.5 weeks pregnant and am planning a home birth again. I live in a small town and cannot face the prospect of having to go back to the site of the original torture. I found midwifes the next town up, which is 1.5 hours away. My last baby was born 9 days "late" so i'm assuming this one will be "late" too and have rented a cabin for 2 weeks in the town that's 1.5 hours away starting on baby's due date. I'm really terrified of a repeat of last time. Plus, I'm really terrified of the pain. I did not deal well with the pain at all. I'm an impatient person and the labour was taking too long and the pain became very frustrating to me. Also, I'm terrified of feeling the baby tear my vagina open without meds. Any suggestions?

 

[sarah1980]

I wanted to have a hb with my first but after 26 hours of labouring at home i got very tired of the pain and went to the hospital. I naively thought they would help me but instead they drugged me against my will, forced me to go two days without food, psychologically abused me by saying i was a bad mother for refusing to have a c-section, which they wanted me to have because of "lack of progress". It was an awful, traumatic experience that left me in pieces for weeks. I am now terrified of hospitals and I hate my previous midwife (the first person i've really hated as an adult). I'm now 9.5 weeks pregnant and am planning a home birth again. I live in a small town and cannot face the prospect of having to go back to the site of the original torture. I found midwifes the next town up, which is 1.5 hours away. My last baby was born 9 days "late" so i'm assuming this one will be "late" too and have rented a cabin for 2 weeks in the town that's 1.5 hours away starting on baby's due date. I'm really terrified of a repeat of last time. Plus, I'm really terrified of the pain. I did not deal well with the pain at all. I'm an impatient person and the labour was taking too long and the pain became very frustrating to me. Also, I'm terrified of feeling the baby tear my vagina open without meds. Any suggestions?

I know how you feel a little. I had a traumatic first labour and delivery and I'm now TTC another I'm terrified of going back to the hospital, even for routine appts. I didn't deal with the pain well either and even period pain now sends me into a panic as it reminds me of labour

 

[Viola Payne]

how old is your first, if you don't mind me asking? I was TTC for a few months after before i got pregnant again. It wasn't until i was finished telling everyone off that i got pregnant again. I sent several letters to everyone expressing exactly how i felt about what they did. The letters were very abrupt, but i didn't feel i owed them any respect at all as they clearly had none for me or my son.

I feel very bad for you that even period pain is so hard now. Regular pain like that doesn't bother me, but the idea of that labour pain that just goes on and on...that scares me.

My new midwives seem awesome. When i asked them "do you think all that matters is a healthy baby?" they said "not at all, that's not how we roll here". They also said for pain they'll give me extra strength tylenol and a glass of red wine. I can see how that would work to take the edge off. Anything to avoid going back to the torture chamber/hospital.

 

[madasa]

I am so sorry you were treated so badly first time

I am a wimp when it comes to pain, too. But I did enjoy my second birth. You can, too

The key is to move. Not walking around tiring yourself out. But keeping your body mobile and upright so that you can rock, sway, wiggle, shimmy, and rotate through each contraction. This gives you a focus, helps you dilate, progresses your labour (keeping baby's head pressing and moving on the cervix, so it can ease back over it) helps baby descend and negotiate the pelvis and pumps much needed oxygen and endorphins around your body.

This is a different birth and a different you. LOTS of women find their second birth easier than their first.

Is there anything positive you can take from that birth? Anything you learned? It sounds like the memory triggers fear in you, and it will help you a lot if you can move past this. If this same fear revisits you in labour, it will cauase a rise in adrenaline - slowing or stopping your labour, or making it more painful.

It's great that you are already planning ahead. You have lots of time to prepare for a much better birth

 

[Viola Payne]

Thank you so much.

I guess the positive thing i think about is how long i lasted at home with no meds - 26 hours of regular contractions! Also, I was very stubborn and refused a c-section and because i refused it i'm now "allowed" to do a homebirth (where i live hbacs aren't supported). Needless to say the biggest positive of all is my son, who is more amazing than i ever would have dreamed.

Thank you for the suggestion to keep swaying and moving. It's the actual birthing part that i think makes me most nervous, and getting stitched up after. It seems so scary. Last time i had all these fears but i refused to acknowledge them or do any internal work to deal with them. This time i'm taking a different approach.

 

[Kirstiedenman]

I haven't had any experience with home birthing but I did do a semi hypno birth te first time and it was incredible to have a focus on where the pain could exit my body rather than centred in my abdomin was amazing! I tore while pushing and I did not have any gas or anything while pushing and could not feel a thing! I think you get so numb down there from all the stretching you don't feel it. After my son was born I was given needles straight in my tear and around it I'm pretty sure and it was just like a sting like when you get an I jettison and after that it was fine I could feel being stitches up but it didn't hurt the pulling was just uncomfortable. Have you asked your midwife what happens of you tear if they are allowed to numb you to do the stitches? I wouldn't think they would stitch you up with out numbing it first that would just be torture!
I think accepting your last labor as awful as it was and moving last will help you alot I know it is easier said than done but working on that will help you feel alot more relaxed and comfortable in your labor. If you hold on to the horror of last time you will be very tense and the labor may very well be more painful as I remember the mor wi tensed the more the contractions hurt but as soon as I would do what my sister said "calm down shut up and breathe lol" the pain wasn't as bad. It's great for the people around you to do a bit of reading into being a labor coach I know if I didn't have my sister in the room I wouldn't have done as well as I did she was incredible!
Another great thing to help with the pain (sounds weird) but 2 tennis balls in a stocking sick rubbed up and down your lower back it was great!
As a pp said keep moving gravity is the best thing to help a labor progress I didn't get on that bed till I was 8cm and my son was born 15 minutes later. It can sometimes be difficult to stand but it's worth it even to just rock or 3 steps forwards and backwards helps.

But I highly recommend hypno birthing or calm birthing it's a great way to stay relaxed through relaxation music, focal points and a sort of meditation. I am in no way a person who is into that kind f thing day to day but in labor it was the best tool I could have used.
Good luck and I really hope you have a great experience this time. Even maybe having a little blow up pool with warm water might help with your relaxation just a thought

 

[Viola Payne]

I've decided to hb doing hypnobirthing. If it worked for the Duchess of Cambridge surely it'll work for me

 

[Kess]

Hypnobirthing is fab. I used it - my birth story is in my signature. The calmer you can stay the less pain, so hypnobirthing really helps with that. I tore, and only had g&a (which frankly, took the edge of the pressure in my back passage but did bugger all else except remind me to breathe evenly!). I didn't feel the tear at all. When everything is so stretched, the nerves don't send messages the same way they normally would.

 

[babyface15]

I definitely agree on the hypnobirthing!! relaxing through contractions and staying mobile can reduce pain by an enormous amount! I found relaxing and standing during contractions reduced pain tenfold sitting or lying down made them much more intense

also, for me and most other women I've heard from, the contractions are by far the worst part of labor. Pushing and delivering were a treat after dealing with strong contractions.

 

[babyface15]

Also you likely went to the hospital too early and due to getting caregivers who were unsupportive of natural birth you were pushed into the drugs, failure to progress, etc. assembly line.

I actually had 5 days of prodromal labor. I went to the hospital on day 4 because the contractions were quite intense and closely spaced. My doctor was very supportive of natural childbirth and actually sent me home although I was dilated 4 cm because she knew it wasn't the time. If I had another caregiver I would have gone down the same path as you by being admitted and then labeled as failure to progress. When in fact my body just needed one more day!

You are much less likely to have that problem with a midwife as she will be more then willing to give you plenty of time got your body to do its work. Did you have a csection with your first?

Best wishes and good luck!!

 

[Feronia]

I also agree with the hypnobirthing suggestion -- it was fabulous. I was able to get through 56 hours of labour with it, didn't experience transition, and thankfully didn't tear. I think something like that could really help you get past the fear, and you might not even tear at all! (I think it's less common with second pregnancies.) And it was true for me that pushing was fine - it was the best part!

 

[Viola Payne]

"also, for me and most other women I've heard from, the contractions are by far the worst part of labor. Pushing and delivering were a treat after dealing with strong contractions."

^^ Seems unbelievable to me but thank you thank you thank you! I'm totally going to remember that

"did you have a c-section?"

No, I refused for 8 hours! They treated me like total crap for it though, calling me a bad mother etc... My medwife was awful. Basically after i delivered i found out that she's like the c-section midwife, a good percentage of her clients end up with c-section. She pretends she's into natural birth to get the clients then if it takes too long she freaks out and insists on doing a c-section. With my 1st it was really scary because from about 12 pm to about 7 pm everything was fine just the escalating pressure from her to have a c-section, her constantly telling me "sometimes the body just can't do it", and trying to manipulate me into it. Then, at around 7 to 8 his hr started to drop, and I didn't have ANY trust in her at that point. So i kept refusing the c-section even though at that point it probably was a good idea. Or maybe not, I don't know. He was born with forceps (no episiotomy) but i didn't feel a thing from all the drugs. I think i actually fell asleep, not even joking. He was limp when they took him out but turned out fine, Apgars of 8 and 9. I think he was just terrified as i was utterly terrified as i couldn't trust my care providers at all.