How did you feel when you were ttc again?

[pinkflamingo]

Hi all,

I am hoping to join you in the next couple of weeks. I am going through a mmc and hopefully we will be back ttc very soon.

At the moment the thought of ttc and getting that BFP is exciting but very scary. How did you all feel when you were ttc again after a loss? Did you change anything in the way you were ttc due to having had a loss? I don't know whether it is going to be a very emotional rollercoaster or not.

I guess it's just a 'get on with it and see' job!!

I also wanted to add this poem that I found yesterday, and which has touched me. I hope it is ok for me to post it. I was in tears when I read it, but it gave me some comfort.

xxx




WHAT MAKES A MOTHER?


I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quick,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize,
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And know that you're the best mom!"

 

[emmjay]

Hello pinkflamingo
Sorry to hear what you are going through. Thankyou for sharing the lovely poem.

I lost my baby at 7weeks at the beginning of oct 2010. As the pregancy was ectopic, I was given methotrexate to terminate and had to wait 3 months to start trying again.
We have just started again and to begin with I felt sad. During the 3 months that we weren't allowed to try it was almost a relief (for both of us). It allowed us to take a break from trying to get pregnant and to start enjoying being with each other again.

Since trying again, it has brought back some of the pain and sense of loss as I feel angry that I am back to tracking ovulating, timing intercourse, symptom watching etc etc.

When I fell pregnant last year it was after almost 12 months of trying. I spent those 12 months totally focussed on getting pregnant. I cut out caffeine, wouldnt colour my hair, scared to exercise - all just in case I was pregant. I found planning future things difficults as I would think 'what if...' I imagined easter, christmas ect telling my family. In short, I now feel that I wasted 12 months of my life, I was obssessed and it started to affect my relationship with husband.

This year will be soooo different. I will get pregnant (one day!) but I won't spend all day and night thinking about it. I am getting my hair highlighted this weekend even though I am in the 2ww and you just never know!!

My best friend is 6 months pregnant - she is very happy and healthy and did all the things that I avoided!

My only wee obsession will be this website but then I find it very supportive and good to vent (my husband doens't need to know!)

I wish you loads of luck in the future but at the moment take all the time that you need to grieve x

 

[pinkflamingo]

Thanks emmjay. I am so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like we were much the same when ttc last year. It took us 14 months and I would obsess every month too! Sex just became about making a baby which is wrong.

we have said that we want to ttc straight away, but deep down I am not sure whether backing off for a bit may do us both some good. I feel a huge desire to want to get pregnant, but I guess I need to be both physically and mentally ready for that when it does actually happen.

I had thought about starting once the bleeding stops and not waiting for AF as my cycles are not regular, so it could be mid March when we next get our chance if we do not try this month. But maybe in the long run a few weeks of chill time will make a future of difference to us and where we are emotionally. You are right we need time to grieve.

Thank you for your words. I wish you all the luck for the future too.

Take care xxxx

 

[nicb26]

Hi and sorry for your loss

During my first fertile period I actually felt quite optimistic and happy about ttc. It was when af arrived that It went wrong. It just brought back all the pain of the loss and I was devastated again. I'm really hoping it's going to get easier, or that i conceive quickly, as I can't go through that every month.

Hope you are feeling ok about everything and that you don't have to wait too long xx

 

[wannabe mam]

Hi hun,
Sorry for your loss. That poem is beautiful and very powerful!
Well I had a loss March 2010 and still ttc. I have a terrible time around AF and find myself obsessing. I dont do anything different yet but when it gets to 1 year after the loss I might change something. I have ups and downs but the downs are bad. The truth is life will never be the same again after a loss especially when ttc baby number 1. I find venting on here helps, these ladies are the only people who really understand.
Good luck hun, I am here for you when you have those down days
xx

 

[ali...cat]

Hi Pinkflamingo,

I am so sorry for your loss. I too went through MMC last year and am on my first month of ttc - I only got AF on 31 Dec. I am completely obessed with it, nervous, excited and a whole range of other emotions. I know how devestated I am going to be if I don't get a BFP this month but I also know how scared I am going to be if I do! It's a double edged sword. I know I am going to pay for early scans next time (as hospital have already told me that they will not give me early scans unless I've had 3 m/c's) to try and help keep me sane...but have to get there first! It's hard, but I know we are all strong and hopefully with the support of others we will get there. Big hugs xxx

 

[xSamanthax]

Sorry for your loss

I'm thinking once this MC i'm going through is finished and i've had my AF i really want start TTC, Even my OH wants to and he has said since our daughter was born he didn't want another child (our little baby angel wasn't planned but we were so excited).

The actual thought of it is scaring me a bit though, thats mainly because all i keep thinking about is what if it happens again? I think for me it will be an emotional rollercoaster but then i think it will all be worth it in the end when we get the BFP and the little one 'sticks'

 

[Rebaby]

The first time i miscarried i couldn't bear not being pregnant, the loss just affirmed to us that we really wanted to start our family sooner rather than later. We had mixed advice from the various HCP's we saw and in the end decided to wait one cycle before trying again. We started to have sex again about a week after i stopped bleeding from the miscarriage but intially we were using protection, then one night we just didn't, tbh i think it felt so weird and un-natural to both of us to be reaching for condoms in the heat of the moment when we both really really wanted to be making babies, so we just didn't, and that dayt i ovlulated (the only time in my life i have been absolutely dead certain of ovulation!) and our son was conceived.

That time i felt i needed to be pregnant again right away and couldn't possibly wait. This time i have felt very different. I had to have an ERPC and immediately that it was over i couldn't think of anything i'd rather do less than be pregnant again, the thought of it simultaneously petrified and horrified me. We'd had such a stressful few weeks of uncertainty leading up to the ERPC and then the actual procedure and recovery that it just seemed like the worst idea in the world to try again right away.

This time the advice from the hospital was very clear- there is no added risk to TTC again straight away so just try again whenever you feel ready. But we didn't feel ready, so we have been using protection and waiting for my 1st AF to show up (which it did, on Friday and is still here )

Now we're not sure what our next step is. I am finding it hard because last time it was so clear cut- we miscarried and then we both desperately wanted to TTC again right away. This time i feel like we have both benefitted from a few weeks break from it all, and there is a temptation to make that break longer and carry on preventing but deep down i know we both do want another baby we're just scared of another MC, and even if things go well, we're scared of the inevitable stresses that 1st trimester will bring for us.

Good luck to all the TTCAL ladies, i hope your stick 's aren't far away and i really hope to be joining you with one very soon

 

[mummyk2b]

well we were only made aware of mmc on thursday and had erpc a few hours later. reading other people's posts where they had to wait for a few days for the erpc and ali...cat's post re paying for early scans has made me realise how lucky we are with our healthcare in Jersey as they made sure we had surgery on same day as scan if we wanted and have already said they will give us an additional early scan next time, even though we have only had one loss. i'm trying to count every blessing at the moment to help me through, which is why i mention this.

back to the question, i am just desperate to be pregnant again. when we got pregnant this time, we were concerned it might take a year to conceive so decided to just see what happened before we felt a desperate need (we are married, wanted children, are financially stable but not at that stage of NEEDING them just yet). we also thought if it hadn't happened after a year, we could see about fertility treatment and I'd still only be 30. we had a BFP after 4 weeks!

now, i have that feeling of need that i was trying to avoid. i didn't want to have ovulation charts, be taking temperatures, making DH wear silly pants, etc but i can see that coming this time! it's odd because we stopped the pill in october and if we hadn't had a BFP and a mmc, i wouldn't be desperate now... i'd be thinking we were in the majority of people who take 9 months to conceive. due to the loss though, i feel as though i am supposed to be pregnant now and have a massive sense of urgency to see another BFP.

i've not seen AF since mmc and am going to wait until i have to ttc again. i'm sure each af will bring a sense of loss and heartache but i know our little soul is up there just waiting for us to create a perfect body for him / her and i'm glad s/he's waiting... why should s/he have anything but the best?! (Now the pressure is on us to create the best... i'm looking forward to meeting our little one so much that i hope it happens soon!)

good luck to all

 

[pinkflamingo]

Thank you for all your replies ladies and for sharing your stories with me. I am so sorry for all the losses here.

I am hoping that I can have a slightly more relaxed approach to ttc next time, than I did before we got our BFP. We had been trying for 14 months and so the obsession was kicking in by the end of that time! I am going to try my best to not stress about it, but secretly think I will be gutted if it doesn't happen the first month! I am just scared that we will have to wait a long time to conceive again, and the thought of that really does upset me.

I saw a Fertility Specialist in Sept and we actually fell pregnant the first month I started on Metformin (I have mild PCOS). I have a follow up with the FS tomorrow and so will update him on the the pregnancy etc, as it has all happened since our last appointment.

I hope that 2011 ends so much better than it has started! If not a baby here, then at least one on the way. Lots of lock to you all ladies. xxxxx