How do you cope?

[eebee]

I've popped over from ttc #1 with a query because I had a really bad night last night.

My background:
We've been trying for over 2 years now, I'm on my third round of Clomid but after 2 perfect ovulatory cycles (but no pregnancy) this cycle has gone really weird. My temps have been all over the place and I don't know if I've ovulated yet: been cd 14 last 2 months, now on cd 19 with no apparent ovulation.

Last night I honestly lay thinking about giving up. I had to force myself to have sex so I wouldn't kick myself if I missed ovulation should it happen. I just felt so disheartened. If the Clomid doesn't result in a pregnancy we have another year and a half before we reach the top of the ICSI waiting list and I don't know how I'll cope with that. I'm 30 just now and I always thought I'd have one by now and planning #2.

I just wondered how people who have been trying for a lot longer than me keep going?

 

[CanadianMaple]

My situation is totally different, but I can relate. We know right now that we have 0% chance of pregnancy, so we're not on that rollercoaster every month, but some days the thought of how severe DH's infertility (sterility) is makes me feel claustrophobic. Since DH is 44 this fall, time is running out for his comfort zone to have a baby and we're in the midst of deciding whether to get him to have microsurgery to find sperm, using a donor, or giving up entirely.

My advice is to take it day by day. Moment by moment if you have to. You have been waiting for a long time but you still have options and you still have lots to hope for. Does your clinic have an IF psychologist you can talk to? They will have lots of suggestions. If you feel that the clomid isn't helping, can you ask your RE for a different approach before moving to the IVF? Keep advocating for yourself and keep asking for answers.

I found that when I had too much time on my hands, I would get totally fixated on all of this. The more I get out and stay active, the better I seem to do. With the nicer weather, can you try to get out walking and meet with friends who aren't pregnant or preoccupied with young children?

It's so hard and this is a journey I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. *hugs*

 

[eebee]

Thank you for your reply

You're right, it's easy to get so fixated on it - I did really well last month managing to not get caught up in every little "symptom" and I was feeling really happy.

I've been doing lots of housework though that inevitably leads to thoughts of "wishing it was so my kids will have clean dishes to eat off".

My husband is, thankfully, quite understanding though he did fall asleep last night fairly quickly so I didn't get a proper chance to talk to him :/

I forgot about the counselling service...I might phone them this week and make an appointment. I was really happy that the Clomid had worked at the lowest dose and we didn't have to spend months trying to get the correct dose. Just got totally bummed out that this month it seems to be playing games. I'll phone the nurse on Tuesday and ask about possible reasons - I know my bbt might have been affected by the recent surge in good weather but that should surely mean it's elevated rather than being really low :/ At least then they're up to date with me - we don't have a regular appointment or anything, since it worked the first month I've just to stick with it for now.

Thanks again

 

[mjemma]

I've popped over from ttc #1 with a query because I had a really bad night last night.

My background:
We've been trying for over 2 years now, I'm on my third round of Clomid but after 2 perfect ovulatory cycles (but no pregnancy) this cycle has gone really weird. My temps have been all over the place and I don't know if I've ovulated yet: been cd 14 last 2 months, now on cd 19 with no apparent ovulation.

Last night I honestly lay thinking about giving up. I had to force myself to have sex so I wouldn't kick myself if I missed ovulation should it happen. I just felt so disheartened. If the Clomid doesn't result in a pregnancy we have another year and a half before we reach the top of the ICSI waiting list and I don't know how I'll cope with that. I'm 30 just now and I always thought I'd have one by now and planning #2.

I just wondered how people who have been trying for a lot longer than me keep going?

I could have written this myself, we are in EXACTLY the same position! It sucks! I sway between thinking we should just take a break if this cycle of clomid doesn't work and try to enjoy life for the next year, or go private and do IUI or egg sharing.

I agree that counselling is good. I've only been to one session but I've been to a support group a few times and it did make me feel better.

 

[zanDark]

I think taking a break every few cycles is very helpful to keep our sanity intact!

For us the constant "we need to have sex now!" for 2+ years have caused sexual dysfunction to both of us at times!!

I found it extremely difficult to cope and became more and more and more obsessed with it...so we decided to just let it go and start IVF in September! That helped quite a bit....but the one thing that made me completely take my mind off it was getting a puppy for the first couple of weeks I had no time to think about anything else...and I completely forgot that I was in my fertile days now he just makes me so happy and we obsess over him and have completely stopped talking about getting pregnant!

Counselling is a good idea if you're both up for it! Another good coping mechanism for me was keeping a diary and letting all my thoughts and feeling on paper...even my darkest thoughts since I knew that I'd be the only one judging me!

Good luck hun I hope you get your BFP very soon!

 

[eebee]

I would love to get a puppy but hubby says no until after we have a baby because he doesn't want to risk that the dog gets jealous...it wouldn't be fair.

I think I have just wanted to be as pro-active as possible while I have the clomid cos it was such a pain to get to the stage if actually having it...one clinic wouldn't give me it but the next one did because they are icsi annd ivf whereas the first place is iui...but thats the referral route they have to take even though we know hubby has low sperm count we still had to go through the iui clinic til they decided they couldn't do it and referred us to ivf/icsi clinic. It's the thought of a 22 month waiting list when we have already been trying for 25 months! It will be about nov 2013 before we reach the top, i willl be 32.

EDIT:
was replying on my phone and forgot to add that the diary sounds like a good idea. I used to always keep a diary when I was younger - it's cringeworthy at times reading it back - but it did give me a way to talk about how I felt without actually talking.

 

[lily28]

I would love to get a puppy but hubby says no until after we have a baby because he doesn't want to risk that the dog gets jealous...it wouldn't be fair.

It is exactly the other way around here, dh is eating my ears off about a puppy, he even gets teary eyed about it. I told him a big fat NO, not until we have a kid and the kid actually wants a pet. Maybe this will give him a little motivation to take TTC seriously.

I absolutely adore dogs, and I was a very responsible fur mommy, but right now a puppy would actually derail my efforts for a baby.

 

[lah1553]

I too could have written this myself your explaining my situation to a tee. I have irregular periods and have no idea when to have intercourse due to lack of knowing when I O. I am not on Clomid, but Metformin and am struggling to maintain a positive attitude about this pregnancy stuff. I have tried to talk with several people, but its hard to expect them to understand when they are not going through the same things. A lot of people suggest to take a break , but I too feel like I need to take advantage of any Oing that might be taking place. Many of my friends are pregnant or have children and the jealousy and stress are overwhelming at times. Then you have the people who ask, "when are you guys going to have kid?" UUUUGGGGGG if it was only that easy. I just want to scream at them, but then they don't know what is going on. There are several people that know the issues with me and understand not to say things like that but it is still frustrating. I have thought about starting a journal where I am able to express myself and not have to worry about others. I am thankful for all the ladies that I have met on here that are having the same issues, it is good to know that you are not alone.

 

[rosebud_01_99]

just thinking on the puppy issue, dh and i thought the same way but decided to get one anyway before a baby,now that dog is 16yrs old and still no baby for him to be jealous off!! rosebud

 

[lily28]

just thinking on the puppy issue, dh and i thought the same way but decided to get one anyway before a baby,now that dog is 16yrs old and still no baby for him to be jealous off!! rosebud

My point exactly.

 

[zanDark]

just thinking on the puppy issue, dh and i thought the same way but decided to get one anyway before a baby,now that dog is 16yrs old and still no baby for him to be jealous off!! rosebud

My point exactly.

I don't think she's been LTTTC for 16 years because of the dog lol


well everyone is different and see's things differently I find the puppy to be very helpful for me since he's really relaxed me and has stopped me from obsessing 24/7 and getting upset! I understand how it wouldn't have the same effect on everyone tho

 

[lily28]

I took her post with a big grain of salt, never meant that it's her dog's fault or that a pet has to do anything with her LTTTC. After all she posted this piece of info here voluntarily, I didn't take it out of context or anything. If you see my signature and when I first started here in BnB, I 'm a LTTTC as well, so I feel how hard it is. It was humor. Humor helps sometimes.

 

[zanDark]

humor always helps! mine is a nice rich black most of the times

 

[rosebud_01_99]

just thinking on the puppy issue, dh and i thought the same way but decided to get one anyway before a baby,now that dog is 16yrs old and still no baby for him to be jealous off!! rosebud

My point exactly.

I don't think she's been LTTTC for 16 years because of the dog

ha ha girls i wish i could blame my 17yr ttc on my doggie lol. my point is try not to put off life decisions based on when you will conceive, im know im especially unlucky being lttc for so long tho, i hope none of you have to suffer this long. rosebud

 

[lily28]

^ very good advice, fortunately life goes on and I have come to terms with it, even considered the possibility of not having any kids at all. It is a possibility and then there are other options. I'm just unwilling to give up for now and as long as it is possible I will try, I will not settle for a dog just yet, I hope I make sense. But yes life and actually living it has bigger priority. I had the most amazing dog in the world btw and I will never forget him, he was the perfect creature, there is no love compared to it. No regrets.

 

[BettyK]

Iah1553 I am totally in the same boat as you... Your post could quite easily have been written by me! We have been TTC for 22 months now and am really struggling this week. I've looked on forums before and now feel its time to join in... I can't offer any success stories but I can offer support and I do need it back. I seem to be surrounded by pregnant people or parents and they just don't understand. I have PCOS with amnorrhea and DH has poor SA so chances of natural conception are minimal. I went to a baby shower today and thought I'd be ok but I just feel so sad and like my life is stuck on hold waiting for something I cannot control. It is so frustrating. We have an appointment with OB to Oreos morning to get DH's results from 3rd SA so hopefully we'll be able to start treatment soon (have been advised that ICSI is best route for us). Even with that on the horizon today has been a down day for me. It does help to know there are others who feel the same so thank you for posting - I hope you get some good news soon. In the meantime, if you need to chat/vent then am happy to listen

 

[BettyK]

Tomorrow morning, not Oreos!

 

[lah1553]

BETTY-WOW we are very similar..I go to the OB tomorrow as well! I am just doing my yearly, we shall see if anything else comes of it. I hope that we can become very close chatting buddies...I have found that it helps a lot to talk with others, it makes it a little easier.

 

[eebee]

As much as a dog would be amazing we just don't want to risk it...cos knowing our luck the day we get one will be when we also conceive!

Had a bit of a cry yesterday cos I thought I was out for this month...though it seems to have disappeared again. Though it will probably start tomorrow. Just wish there was some way of knowing if and when...then it might not seem like such a big thing. I really hope this works cos I don't think I can cope with another year and a half til we get to the icsi stage.

 

[MichyAmy]

As much as a dog would be amazing we just don't want to risk it...cos knowing our luck the day we get one will be when we also conceive!

Had a bit of a cry yesterday cos I thought I was out for this month...though it seems to have disappeared again. Though it will probably start tomorrow. Just wish there was some way of knowing if and when...then it might not seem like such a big thing. I really hope this works cos I don't think I can cope with another year and a half til we get to the icsi stage.

It does seem like it'd be more fair if we had warning doesn't it? Spotting could be implantation bleeding and sore breasts could mean preggo or enough to drive us !