How do you decide who to allow in the delivery room? Need some advice

[MrsStutler]

My mother has always been a bit...well... attached to me. I am her only biological child (a miracle child for her) and I'm the baby girl of the family as well. Granted, she has gotten much less intrusive and attached over the 2 years my husband and I have been married but she can get carried away sometimes. I have always known when I got pregnant she would want to be involved as much as possible, especially since my eldest brother did not allow them any involvement at all. So far she has been doing surprisingly well, and has not intruded to the point of making me mad. So that is the back story...

My hubby brought up the question of whether or not I want my mom in the delivery room.

On my pro-having mom with me side:
-She is my mom after all
-She could take pictures and allow my hubby to focus on nothing but us, and we still get some memorable pictures
On the con side:
-Saying no may cause some tension with my mother for years to come
-If she gets in my husbands' way or causes problems she will have to be ordered to leave

I know it's a tough choice and ultimately up to me but I would love some input from non-biased brains, or your experiences with allowing certain people or denying certain people.

 

[rh333rh]

i had my mother and my partner in with me at my first birth, but i was very young (22), at the time she was alot more help than my partner. this time im hoping for a home birth with only my husband and the midwifes. i feel this time im alot older/capable/closer to my husband and want this to be just our special time. i dont think your mother will be left out she will have all the time in the world after the birth for cuddles, but you might regret it if its not an intimate time for just you and hubby. but only you can decide what is best for you. good luck with whatever you choose.

 

[jess1983]

I had my mom in there and also was worried about it, but in the end it was great both times. I think you could make it conditional. Make sure that your mom knows that she can't get in your hubby's way. My mom ended up calming me a lot more then my husband lol . Oh yeah it was also nice to have her there to take pics because your husband is gonna be preoccupied with you and the baby and may not want to do it.

 

[madasa]

The first time, I had my MIL there and my DH. I asked for her to come more so she could help HIM (it was his first time too, and I thought if he's supported, he can better support me, kwim?)

The second time, I had my own mum and my DH. I felt that we needed an extra pair of hands... again, support for DH, extra support for me, someone who could take pictures (of all THREE of us, didn't want to "expect" this of the midwives!) and she was on the same page as me about birth. I wanted as few interventions as possible and I felt she would help DH stand up for me if me and the MWs disagreed.

I don't regret having my mum there for one second. I think, as fab as my DH is (and he really WAS great, both times) it's asking too much of a FOB to be the sole birth partner. He's going through it too - not to the extent we are, maybe, but still! I think a woman "friend" (mother, sister, aunt, doula) is wonderful to have with you at your birth.... but they HAVE to be 100% supportive of all your choices, they have to be confident and calm and I think they have to know about birth and trust the process. If they are frightened, their presence will only hinder it.

 

[Rachel_C]

I regretted not having my mum there for my first labour. My OH was very overwhelmed and didn't know whether to agree with the midwife ("You're not in that much pain, calm down") or insist that I got what I wanted ("Epidural, NOW!"). I was left having a hideous experience and really resenting my OH for not sticking up for me better. I know my mum would have. But that's my situation (and actually, I'm not having her with me this time because I feel like I know what I want a lot better), I think it's very personal. I do think you should just look at what YOU actually want. Forget who will be offended or happy or whatever, just think about when you're in labour, what are you going to want?

If you're not sure, how about a compromise? Maybe ask your mum if she could be in the waiting room while you give birth. That way, she's near by and not totally pushed away... and if you decide you need her, she can be there in a second but you won't have to ask her to leave if not.

 

[SabrinaKat]

I think Rachel_C has good advice -- best to have your Mum close by and if your OH is overwhelmed or you get tired, scared, etc., your Mum is right there....

 

[Eternal]

I think it depends on your relationship with both your mum and OH. My OH is my best friend and knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He knows what decisions I would make if I couldnt make them myself, and I dont have to be worried about offending him or upsetting him with what I say or do. Infact, I couldnt stand anyone touching me in labour with my son, my poor OH sat in the corner of the room most of the time and I did shout at him a little bit when he was trying to help rubbing my back or something and it wasnt helping.

But he was fine with that, he knew I was just in pain and scared and he did everything to make things easier for me. When I needed him to be with me later, eso when pushing, he was there, he spent some time actually watching from the action end and his face full of excitiment and emotion made it so much easier for me pushing, it totally motivated me.

I wouldnt cope with my mum there, she wouldnt be happy if i shouted or pushed her away, I could imagine her telling me off for being snappy lol! I would want her down the action end and would just feel uncomfortable. I know I would have to put on a act with my mum but with my OH I can just be myself.

Although I imagine my mum will be there ASAP after the twins are born and thats fine, but not when im actually in labour.

But everyone is different, you need to decide who you feel comfortable with, many woment prefer their mums being there to their partners, you mum went though labour with you so knows what your going through.

 

[charleybootS]

I had my Mum and my OH with me and i'm so glad she was there, it was an extra hand to squeeze, hard!

My Mum was really supportive and made sure my OH was ok so I didn't have to worry about him.

She was also helpful when things went a bit mad with the EMCS and i'll never forget the look on her face when we were wheeled back through to the delivery suite and she got to see LO for the 1st time