How long did you wait? How did you know?

[InTheVerse]

I had a mmc just over three weeks ago. Until last week all I wanted was my lost baby, I couldn't contemplate trying again, this weekend I've been thinking more about ttc again.

I am worried about miscarrying again, the idea of going through that really gives me nightmares. I still ache weirdly in my cervix but the rest of my body has gone back to normal. I even think i may be ovulating because I've had signs. I know I can't ttc until I've had a period and until he antibiotic course I'm on has finished (6 weeks) but I'm seriously thinking about it again and my husband's very much wanting to as well.

Now I've been thinking about ttc again I keep feeling a bit sad and guilty. I know I'm not replacing my lost baby with another, but that logic doesn't seem to be sinking in. I've spoken to friends and some have said wait a minimum of 3 months while one started as soon as she got her period. My friend who tried right away said that she just knew she was ready, even though she was still grieving for her lost baby while the others, one said she felt she'd stopped grieving ( says she's 'over it' and recommends waiting until then) and the other still was grieving when she started ttc.

So, without rambling anymore, I guess I'm asking if you knew very quickly you wanted ttc again or if it took a while and if there was something that just made you think that way or just time. I really do want to ttc and each day it gets easier to think about it, but the guilt does flare up. I don't know how long until the grieving becomes acceptance and it doesn't hurt so much, it could be ages for all I know and the idea of waiting until I'm 'over it' makes me feel shitty because I can't see myself getting over it.

 

[Sunshine14]

Big hugs hun xx having a mmc is such a hard thing to go through - the hope, excitement and joy of a potential new life and silent planning in your head, thinking & wondering about the baby & a new life & then it is all gone & you are left with nothing but pain, sadness & the grieving process. ...... Life moves on though and so does the grieving process & you deal with the shock and sadness and then there is an acceptance of the situation. So then when you are ready you should try again xx
I personally don't think guilt plays any part in what you do going forward. None of us have anything to feel guilty for when we lose a baby, sadly it is just natures way of weeding out the ones that wouldn't survive. I think when you are ready (not your friends /anyone else / when you are 'over it" as I don't think you get over it -- you just deal with it) and you don't feel so raw you should try again. Often women try again, often without another period even, because they just want a baby.
Ultimatley, regardless of anyone else's ttc journey, you and your OH are the only ones who know when you are ready and I say go for it sweetie when you feel ready and you have been given the all clear of antibiotics if needs be xx and baby dust to you hun xxx hope you get your rainbow baba sweetie xx

 

[TTC100]

So sorry you are going through this.... I had a mmc in December. It was a blighted ovum, so when I went in for my first u/s, there was no embryo. I was shocked. I had no symptoms of anything being wrong until then. I waited 3 weeks to have another u/s and, ultimately, chose medical management on Jan 6. I was so emotionally exhausted after that for weeks. I wasn't sure how long I should wait to try again. I was told 3-6 months from my midwife, 2 periods from the OB I saw after the mmc, and 1 period from my SIL, who is a midwife. I decided to see how I felt because I bled for about 4-5 weeks after medical management. I knew at that time I wasn't ready because my uterus just didn't feel right. By the time my levels were back at zero and I got my first AF (March 5), I knew I was ready. I just felt different. My body felt physically healed and so did my mind. I leaned on my faith and realized that I had a mmc because my child wasn't ready yet. I know I am meant to have a specific child, and when that child is ready to be born, everything will go perfectly. Children are one of the greatest gifts we can be given, but they are just that...gifts. I realized that as much as we want to think of them as ours, they don't belong to us. We carry them to term, give birth to them, love them, and keep them safe. But we are just entrusted to care for them while they are on this earth. As hard as that was for me to realize at first, it really helped me heal. I know it is still early for you, but as time goes on you will just know when the time is right.

 

[InTheVerse]

Sunshine14 That's exactly the way I felt. I haven't reached acceptance yet, but I'm not sure how I'll know when I will? Will it stop hurting and will I stop crying or is it just knowing? Sorry if these questions are upsetting, I just don't trust my body or emotions anymore even though i feel better day by day.

Thank you. I don't know wy I feel so guilty at times. I think in some ways i feel like I'm forgetting my bean by thinking about ttc and yet i know i never will. I don't get it

You are right, it's when my husband and I ready- no one else and I should ignore the advice from everyone I know because everyone is different and even though the three ladies I know have all been through it they all have different advice and opinion. Going by us is the best option. And once off the antibiotics as well. We have decided not to tell anyone about ttc or if we do get pregnant, though everyone keeps asking which is difficult.

Thank you very much for you words, they have made me quite teary I really hope for my rainbow baby. I hope you get yours as well.

 

[InTheVerse]

Thank you TTC100, I'm so sorry you've been going through that as well. It's so devastating and there's so much contradictory advice around about ttc again after.

I think going by yourself is the best way, I think my husband and I will have a talk when I come off the antibiotics and we'll see how we feel. I'm really happy that your feeling good in yourself, that's the most important thing. I must admit, I don't trust my body yet but maybe that will change with time? I have IBS anyway so I often got unsure of it before.

They are gifts. Not everyone gets the gift they expect, every one is different, some people get gifts when they aren't ready for them, I hope you get your rainbow baby soon too.

 

[AnnieMac2]

I'm sorry for your losses, everyone. I'm been wrestling with the "How do I know if I'm ready?" question. And I'm relieved to hear that the "getting over it" idea doesn't resonate with everyone (although I'm glad others do get that feeling), because that seems so out of reach for me. I'm worried I'm making decisions based on fear (afraid that I might not ever be able to have a child so want to get pregnant asap to make sure that's not the case v. afraid to be pregnant and going through all of the stress again). I guess that in the end I want a child and there will always be unknowns, so I'm just going to move ahead. I am worried that I won't connect with it and not want to get my hopes up the entire pregnancy.

The guilty feelings must be so hard, InTheVerse. You deserve to do whatever might make you happy. There isn't anything you could do or did do wrong. And you're allowed to love future babies and still love your lost baby just as much.

I hope to see happy news from you all in the future! xo

 

[Sunshine14]

Sunshine14 That's exactly the way I felt. I haven't reached acceptance yet, but I'm not sure how I'll know when I will? Will it stop hurting and will I stop crying or is it just knowing? Sorry if these questions are upsetting, I just don't trust my body or emotions anymore even though i feel better day by day.

Thank you. I don't know wy I feel so guilty at times. I think in some ways i feel like I'm forgetting my bean by thinking about ttc and yet i know i never will. I don't get it

We have decided not to tell anyone about ttc or if we do get pregnant, though everyone keeps asking which is difficult.

Thank you very much for you words, they have made me quite teary I really hope for my rainbow baby. I hope you get yours as well.

InTheVerse I think that the one thing that you have to do hun is trust your emotions and trust your body. I am a firm believer that if you feel the emotion at the time and try to work through it (however tough that may be) then you will be in a better place to move forward. Keep working through the sadness and emotion and one day soon you will feel a bit better and feel a bit more positive about things. You also have to trust and have faith in your body - if you are young (ish) and healthy, eat well, don't smoke, don't drink too much and take a good pregnancy multivitamin then there is no reason why you shouldn't have your baby at the end of your next pregnancy hun. You have to stay positive hun and believe that it will happen for you and then deal with what life throws at you. Both your mind and body have to have a chance to heal and once you feel better you will be ready to try again. I think the crucial thing in the whole process is that after a mc you feel too vulnerable to think about trying again but eventually as time moves on and you are healing the wish, desire and need for a healthy baby takes over and at that point I personally think you are ready to try again. You do go into it with the fear that something could go wrong but also there is a very good chance that you will have your baby and if you don't try you will never know hun!! Don't worry about any guilty feelings just acknowledge you are feeling that way & that it is natural - don't dwell on it and move on from that thought. I really hope this email finds you feeling better hun xx

Afm - I am blessed with 3 beautiful children and look at them every single day and appreciate how lucky I am. My ttc journey has been 1 healthy child, 1 mmc (which was a massive shock & I ended up in hospital hamoerghing) then I went on to have two more healthy children in a row and now trying for my last one I have had 3cp's, a mmc and the last one was an ectopic. I am old in conception terms (not in mind or heart lol!) and have 50% chance of mc each pg but I will keep going a bit longer because my wish for a last addition to the family outweighs all the sadness. The way I look at it is I only need one good egg and sperm and I have to get one soon after all this ttc crap ....... that's my story - if I had given up after my first horrendoues mmc then I would only have one child now and not be fabulous three little chimps!

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Hi!
Sorry for everyone and their losses. I too had a mmc this February. I had a feeling from the beginning that something was off even though we saw the hb at 7 wks. I never really connected with the pregnancy and at 12 wks it was confirmed. I was devastated and felt horrible guilt because I thought it was my fault and apathy that led to the baby not staying with me.
I sought out emotional help from a doula who recommended that I have a ceremony of sorts to thank my baby for choosing me and saying goodbye. Some may not be believers but I believe your child chooses you and not the other way around. When their soul is ready for this world they come to you. So I had my own ceremony within my head where I spoke to my Spirit Baby (a book she recommended I read), thanked him or her for choosing me even if for a very brief time and letting him or her go. If they needed to pass over than to do so that I would be ok. I knew I would see him or her again whether in this life or another. I cried for an hour straight having this ceremony within myself but honestly after I felt so much better and felt at peace.
Now instead of rushing to get pregnant as I have felt I needed to I am getting my body as healthy and ready as possible both physically and emotionally so I am truly ready for my next baby. Physically you don't need to wait but emotionally if you are not 100% allow yourself time to heal. GL

 

[Sunshine14]

Annie so sorry that you have been through such turmoil hun xx it sounds like you have made the right decision for you though to just move on despite the unknown. The one thing I would say to you from experience is that at the start of any pg following miscarriage there will be a lot of doubt, fear and uncertainty but once you get to see a healthy hb (whenever you can get a scan there should definitely be a hb from 7 weeks on - the heart is supposed to start by 6 weeks so if you wait til 7 weeks for a scan you should know! & you can get a private scan cheap enough these days to check the hb & reassure you) the mc rate goes way down once you see the hb and then at about 12 weeks it goes down again and then you just have to keep hoping and praying hun & then you get the movements to re-assure you (approx around 20-22 weeks or so).

My age (43) is the reason for my last 5 mc's and I have to say with them, to protect myself, my strategy has been to not allow myself to connect until I get to the hb stage - it's tough but it has kindof worked - I know another lady on another thread who is my age and had 7 losses in a row & then got her rainbow so there is hope!!

Anyway sweetie babydust to you I hope you get your rainbow soon

 

[AnnieMac2]

Thank you so much, Sunshine! Kind words always appreciated. And especially so when people around you don't realize how much it hurts still. Sometimes I'll get teary and even my husband responds with something like, "What's up? Are you upset because [insert minor thing like you spilled coffee down your shirt]?" Oh dear - that was the morning after I got blood tests back from OB revealing a clotting disorder. Could be worse, but I wasn't up for even hearing a slight increased risk of miscarriage from now on.

I think your advice was really great as far as what will work for me personally. I just heard of a third woman who is mid-forties in my social circle who is pregnant/delivered recently. It's funny because I don't really think of 40s as old (until someone tells me I should've frozen my eggs before I turned 35. Oh my god). My grandmother and MIL had kids between 40-44 even back then and, believe me, those two ladies were clueless. Some smoking, missing rhogam shots when they're - blood type, etc. And they aren't biological miracles or anything; they each had 2 miscarriages. So I am 1,000% on board with the it only take one egg thing. But I still have to remind myself sometimes

I cannot wait to hear happy news from you all! xoxoxo

 

[Blu10]

I waited for one AF which arrived 16th March, weve not used protection this cycle and TWW has begun. As long as you feel ready go for it x

 

[InTheVerse]

I'm sorry for your losses, everyone. I'm been wrestling with the "How do I know if I'm ready?" question. And I'm relieved to hear that the "getting over it" idea doesn't resonate with everyone (although I'm glad others do get that feeling), because that seems so out of reach for me. I'm worried I'm making decisions based on fear (afraid that I might not ever be able to have a child so want to get pregnant asap to make sure that's not the case v. afraid to be pregnant and going through all of the stress again). I guess that in the end I want a child and there will always be unknowns, so I'm just going to move ahead. I am worried that I won't connect with it and not want to get my hopes up the entire pregnancy.

The guilty feelings must be so hard, InTheVerse. You deserve to do whatever might make you happy. There isn't anything you could do or did do wrong. And you're allowed to love future babies and still love your lost baby just as much.

I hope to see happy news from you all in the future! xo

I'm sorry, I didn't realised there were any more responses and I've been feeling a bit down the last couple of weeks and haven't been online much.

AnnieMac2 I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you want to move ahead and I can understand your worry on bonding due to uncertainty. My DH and I will be ttc again very soon and I feel like losing my last baby will make me very overly-anxious of it happening again, I worry I on't be ale to relax and enjoy and bond either. I shared these worries with someone and she told me that anxiousness never leaves it's just not all encompassing, she says it starts with pregnancy and doesn't end with birth. That it's normal and all you can do is take one day at a time. I'm not sure if that helps, it made me feel a bit better in some ways but still I have the little bit of uncertainty. Which I think is normal too.

Thank you, I do love my lost baby and when people ask 'do you have kids' it still makes me clench up thinking of him. I hope for future babies and I hope for the same for you

 

[InTheVerse]

InTheVerse I think that the one thing that you have to do hun is trust your emotions and trust your body. I am a firm believer that if you feel the emotion at the time and try to work through it (however tough that may be) then you will be in a better place to move forward. Keep working through the sadness and emotion and one day soon you will feel a bit better and feel a bit more positive about things. You also have to trust and have faith in your body - if you are young (ish) and healthy, eat well, don't smoke, don't drink too much and take a good pregnancy multivitamin then there is no reason why you shouldn't have your baby at the end of your next pregnancy hun. You have to stay positive hun and believe that it will happen for you and then deal with what life throws at you. Both your mind and body have to have a chance to heal and once you feel better you will be ready to try again. I think the crucial thing in the whole process is that after a mc you feel too vulnerable to think about trying again but eventually as time moves on and you are healing the wish, desire and need for a healthy baby takes over and at that point I personally think you are ready to try again. You do go into it with the fear that something could go wrong but also there is a very good chance that you will have your baby and if you don't try you will never know hun!! Don't worry about any guilty feelings just acknowledge you are feeling that way & that it is natural - don't dwell on it and move on from that thought. I really hope this email finds you feeling better hun xx

Afm - I am blessed with 3 beautiful children and look at them every single day and appreciate how lucky I am. My ttc journey has been 1 healthy child, 1 mmc (which was a massive shock & I ended up in hospital hamoerghing) then I went on to have two more healthy children in a row and now trying for my last one I have had 3cp's, a mmc and the last one was an ectopic. I am old in conception terms (not in mind or heart lol!) and have 50% chance of mc each pg but I will keep going a bit longer because my wish for a last addition to the family outweighs all the sadness. The way I look at it is I only need one good egg and sperm and I have to get one soon after all this ttc crap ....... that's my story - if I had given up after my first horrendoues mmc then I would only have one child now and not be fabulous three little chimps!

I'm sorry, I didn't realised there were any more responses and I've been feeling a bit down the last couple of weeks and haven't been online much.

Thank you Sunshine14, I am slowly trusting my emotions day by day thouh the body is coming more slowly. I've had a couple of left over issues due to miscarriage or even my pregnancy itself and it has seemed a bit like my body is further betraying me. I'm slowly trying to get their though, trying to reconnect with exercise and using alternate therapies to try and relax me and help me for more in tune. I'm definitely doing everything right, hoping that next time the outcome will be better.

I'm glad you go into it with the fear because we're about to start ttc and I'm feeling that fear. Like Annie I am a bit worried about being worried, which is something I'm hoping my yoga and alternate things will help with. Can I ask if that worry diminished over time for you or if it was there until you held your babies?

Congratulations on your three children, and my sympathies for your lost babies. I can see what you mean about if you'd given up early on, especially with such a horrible time, hopefully keep that 'trying' thought will lead to another addition to your family. Good luck.

 

[InTheVerse]

Hi!
Sorry for everyone and their losses. I too had a mmc this February. I had a feeling from the beginning that something was off even though we saw the hb at 7 wks. I never really connected with the pregnancy and at 12 wks it was confirmed. I was devastated and felt horrible guilt because I thought it was my fault and apathy that led to the baby not staying with me.
I sought out emotional help from a doula who recommended that I have a ceremony of sorts to thank my baby for choosing me and saying goodbye. Some may not be believers but I believe your child chooses you and not the other way around. When their soul is ready for this world they come to you. So I had my own ceremony within my head where I spoke to my Spirit Baby (a book she recommended I read), thanked him or her for choosing me even if for a very brief time and letting him or her go. If they needed to pass over than to do so that I would be ok. I knew I would see him or her again whether in this life or another. I cried for an hour straight having this ceremony within myself but honestly after I felt so much better and felt at peace.
Now instead of rushing to get pregnant as I have felt I needed to I am getting my body as healthy and ready as possible both physically and emotionally so I am truly ready for my next baby. Physically you don't need to wait but emotionally if you are not 100% allow yourself time to heal. GL

I'm sorry, I didn't realised there were any more responses and I've been feeling a bit down the last couple of weeks and haven't been online much.

I'm sorry for your loss ReadynWaiting, especially with the guilt you felt after- it's a horrible emotion an so misplaced because you did nothing wrong and don't deserve to feel it.

"Some may not be believers but I believe your child chooses you and not the other way around. When their soul is ready for this world they come to you."

I think that's a lovely way to look at it, made me a bit teary tbh but in a lovely way especially when I read about your ceremony.

Time is the only healer, I know the feeling of loss I have won't ever go but every day it changes slightly and while i have had a couple of darker weeks I have been feeling better over all. It's good to be in tune with your body and mind, I must admit I'm not 100% there with my body yet but we are trying soon and I anticipate I will get there before we conceive again.

Do you feel better yourself in body and mind? I hope you get your rainbow baby when you feel ready to try again.

 

[InTheVerse]

I waited for one AF which arrived 16th March, weve not used protection this cycle and TWW has begun. As long as you feel ready go for it x

Thank you Blu10. Good luck! Hope you get a BFP!