How to handle 5-year-old who refuses to do as asked

[colsy]

5-year-old boy, at school, seemingly happy at school, eats well, healthy, affectionate, academically bright ...

So no concerns there then.

Instead, we are struggling with his behaviour at home (particularly if we have grandparent visitors, or he is tired - but these things make it worse rather than cause it).

I am struggling to give a specific name to the behavioural issues, so I can't do a simple book or internet search. But basically, we are having many, many occasions every day where he will literally just look at one of us and say 'No' if we request he does something. This has thrown us, because at least previously we kind of got some warning, because he'd whine first or tantrum or cry ... but now it's just a point blank 'No' and we're left wondering what on earth to do.

We are also trying to work out what is appropriate behaviour from *us* at this point. For example, if his 2-year-old brother says 'No' to having a bath, then one of us will just pick him up anyway and out him in the bath. But it feels kind of inappropriate to do this to a 5-year-old who suddenly seems very tall (think he might have just had growth spurt!).

We do all the standard star charts and withholding privileges and trying to praise positive behaviour - so don't need help there. Just wondering what else we can do - and even whether this is normal or whether I should be talking to school or somebody. Any ideas?

 

[OmarsMum]

DS is the same ! He doesn't listen , I make it as a competition and ask him if he can run to the bathroom and undress before I finish counting to 100, it works most if the time

At night I tell him a story about this imaginary boy who did a wrong thing (something Omar did during the day) and how Omar the well deciplined and well behaving boy went to this boy and told him that what he did is not nice and he should do (the good behaviour) instead , I try to use positive words, like instead of shouting I use talk using low voice & so on.

It works sometimes. I also bought some stories that talk about behaviour and he likes them

 

[hattiehippo]

I replied on the other thread but basically my DS aged 5 is exactly the same. I think it's pretty normal for 5 yr old boys - maybe girls too but I only have a boy!

 

[Laucu]

I replied on the other thread but basically my DS aged 5 is exactly the same. I think it's pretty normal for 5 yr old boys - maybe girls too but I only have a boy!

Ooooh yes, Emma is doing this lots. She won't reslly say no, but instead just completely ignore me like I am invisible. I usually start talking to the wall (hello wall! How are you wall!) which she finds hilarious and then gets her attention (I explain to her why I'm doing it of course!).

I do wonder if it's because of school - she spends all day conforming to rules and behaving, so perhaps wants to break free a bit at home? Who knows!

 

[hattiehippo]

I replied on the other thread but basically my DS aged 5 is exactly the same. I think it's pretty normal for 5 yr old boys - maybe girls too but I only have a boy!

Ooooh yes, Emma is doing this lots. She won't reslly say no, but instead just completely ignore me like I am invisible. I usually start talking to the wall (hello wall! How are you wall!) which she finds hilarious and then gets her attention (I explain to her why I'm doing it of course!).

I do wonder if it's because of school - she spends all day conforming to rules and behaving, so perhaps wants to break free a bit at home? Who knows!

I think it's def they spend all day being good and then they have to let it out at home.....and also just them growing up as well as being more their own person who doesn't just do what we want

 

[RachA]

School is definitely a part of it. I think we underestimate just how hard it is for them to concentrate etc at school and how much they actually take it.

I agree that it's a phase they go through however I personally wouldn't ignore it and hope it goes. I would tell my son that the way he was talking was not appropriate and tell him what would be better instead. If I asked my son to do something like take some toys away that he'd been playing with and he said no then I'd tell him that if he doesn't I will take them away and he can't play with them again until the next day or the weekend etc.
In the bath instance 5 isn't too old for me to pick up and take them up and dump them in. I would explain why we need to have baths too.

 

[Hopefulk]

Www.ahaparenting.com has some good advice and breaks it down by age. Also discusses siblings and parenting both at different ages

Good luck

 

[Racheldigger]

Generally, we get by with "Rowan, just because I said please doesn't mean you have a choice!" We then tend to get stamped feet and "It's not fair!" but I normally ignore that and go and run the bath, or whatever, anyway: I do think that being at school all day puts a great strain on such a little person, and as long as she actually complies, I'll overlook the bad grace that she does it with.

Calling LO's bluff can also work very well, providing you are prepared to follow through if they remain intransigent. I have, on one occasion, carried Rowan out to the car in her socks when she failed to put her shoes on when I asked her to (though I did relent and go back for them when she cried and begged), and I will, if the need arises, take her to school in her pyjamas if she really refuses to get dressed (so far, the threat has been sufficient, because I think she knows I will).

 

[Cara x]

I've got to admit that we don't have any real behavioural issues with Oliver, although I would agree that the ones we do have are more often since he started school. Oh and yes the grandparents definitely make things 10x worse - he obviously gets away with too much when they babysit!

We introduced the naughty step very early in his life (around 18 months) and it's always done the trick for us. We have probably only used it about 10-15 times as he gets a warning first (the threat of the naughty step) and usually that is enough. I'm sure you already do this, but I think it's so important to follow through with your threats, so if we threaten the naughty step if he does something again, and he does indeed do it again, we absolutely must put him on the naughty step. After his time is up on the naughty step we always make sure he knows why he was there and then he gets a kiss and cuddle and we go back to normal straight away.

We do the whole bluff thing sometimes too.
Eg.
"I don't want to put my shoes on just now I want to keep playing!"
"Ok - we can't be late so we're going without you then ... bye!" [And start walking to the door]. Again - you have to follow through (or in this kind of case, have then believe you'll follow through). He knows we'd never leave him home alone, but I think in that split second where we pretend we are going to, he realises why it's important to do what he's told.

I think different things work for different kids though. Sticking to it everytime is definitely the most important part, whatever method you choose. If your boy is well behaved and mannered in school you are obviously doing a great job and it's likely to be a phase x

 

[faith2015]

5-year-old boy, at school, seemingly happy at school, eats well, healthy, affectionate, academically bright ...

So no concerns there then.

Instead, we are struggling with his behaviour at home (particularly if we have grandparent visitors, or he is tired - but these things make it worse rather than cause it).

I am struggling to give a specific name to the behavioural issues, so I can't do a simple book or internet search. But basically, we are having many, many occasions every day where he will literally just look at one of us and say 'No' if we request he does something. This has thrown us, because at least previously we kind of got some warning, because he'd whine first or tantrum or cry ... but now it's just a point blank 'No' and we're left wondering what on earth to do.

We are also trying to work out what is appropriate behaviour from *us* at this point. For example, if his 2-year-old brother says 'No' to having a bath, then one of us will just pick him up anyway and out him in the bath. But it feels kind of inappropriate to do this to a 5-year-old who suddenly seems very tall (think he might have just had growth spurt!).

We do all the standard star charts and withholding privileges and trying to praise positive behaviour - so don't need help there. Just wondering what else we can do - and even whether this is normal or whether I should be talking to school or somebody. Any ideas?

I have a 3 strike rule a week at my house. By the end of the week, if she still has strikes left she will get a reward weather its a movie, her favorite dinner, $5 etc. We have been doing it for 2 months now, and I tell you what my little girl wants her reward and her behavior is perfect (well perfect for her age )

 

[tommyg]

Mine doesn't so much say No, he just ignores me and other people.
He just doesn't seem to get it that he has to listen. Okay he is still in preschool but was put out of a sports class this week for not listening.
I've confiscated a bundle of toys (his favourites) and he can earn them back with good behaviour but it's a nightmare because he ends up missing out of on fun stuff.

Any other ideas?

 

[hattiehippo]

Mine doesn't so much say No, he just ignores me and other people.
He just doesn't seem to get it that he has to listen. Okay he is still in preschool but was put out of a sports class this week for not listening.
I've confiscated a bundle of toys (his favourites) and he can earn them back with good behaviour but it's a nightmare because he ends up missing out of on fun stuff.

Any other ideas?

I found my DS got a lot better once he started at proper school. Before that he didn't really get that he had to listen at classes or swimming lessons.

I try and keep things positive so lots of praising him for how well he's doing and building him up before hand that he can do well and listen. Then if not whatever is his current favourite thing to play with goes away in the kitchen cupboard until he's earns it back - it doesn't take very long normally as I'm not very harsh tbh.

I think at just 4 he's still learning about having to listen and follow rules some of the time. I would keep going with taking toys away but give him lots of chances to earn them back ASAP so he believes he can be a boy who listens and isn't always doing the wrong thing. And accept that for now he does miss out on somethings until he is more mature and able to control himself better.