Husband says he's "not ready"

[Vesta]

Very early on in our relationship I made it clear to my now-husband that having children was very important to me. He assured me that it was something he wanted too. We've now been together 6 years and married for one. However whenever I mention TTC he fobs me off saying he isn't ready yet, and refuses to discuss it further. He's 24 and I'm 23. Last week I got fed up and pointed out he'd told me he wanted children too. He finally agreed to start TTC in December this year. But part of me thinks once that date rolls around he just going to say he's still not ready.

Anyone else been through anything like this?

 

[lozzy21]

Most of us girls on here hun. Were all ready to ttc and just waiting for our OH's to give the go ahead. Hope he sicks to his word.

 

[Pinkgirl]

Lots of girls on here are in similar situation hun
Only thing i suggest is to sit and have a talk and tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels x

 

[booflebump]

Its a tough one but you really need him to be on board before you can start ttc. He maybe thinks you two are still young enough to be waiting and do more together before becoming a threesome but as you say you have made no secret about your desire for children so he should have been more prepared xxx

 

[buttercup3]

Oh my god I am in the same situation and its like blood from a stone... I even tried an experiment where I managed to convince him that I didn't want children anymore (and he ACTUALLY believed it - does he know me at all lol ) and then he got extra broody and wanted to have one next year!! (which would be this year as it was a while ago! - that's quite painful to think that!)

Then last week... I asked him when he thinks now and he is now onto 2 years time... maybe even 3 or longer and its just like 'GAH!! I can't read you MAN!'

So painfully annoying... PATIENCE is unfortunately our best quality ladies!

xx

 

[Sooz]

I seem to be one of the rarer girls on here who is in the position where DF is desperately broody and IM the one who isn't completely ready. It isn't that I don't want kids, far from it, but I'm scared of the responsibility at the same time. Maybe you could try having a chat with your hubby and find out what his reasons are for wanting to wait and what he wants to achieve first, then between you maybe you can agree a rough date or time which will give you both something to aim towards.

 

[apple84]

I'm in the same boat, except DH is 31! I'm 24, which many people think is young to have kids, but I'm a little surprised he isn't a little more "ready" to get started.

It's not just him holding us back, though; my job has been changing things too. In August he said we could TTC in Jan/Feb, but then I was offered a surprise new teaching job and so we decided to wait. DH said he wanted to save up $10 000 before TTC. So I worked and saved up $10 000 and said I wanted to try in May. DH said he still wasn't ready - how about trying in July. Another job opportunity is coming up in September (one that would get me a well-paid maternity leave) and so I suggested TTC in June (so I hopefully wouln't be showing by September).

DH finally said we can TTC whenever I decide. I don't really buy it though. I'm sure if I said let's BD tonight, he'd try to convince me out of it using the September job as a pawn to make me wait.

Sorry so long winded. Just feeling so frustrated by my self-imposed need to be "responsible" and wait till I get that job.

 

[ozbutterfly]

I know what you mean. But, and I'm not trying to be patronizing, at least you have a while before age becomes a huge factor.

But yeah, plenty of women here know just how you feel. Heck, my man says he'd love kids, but there is this niggle of fear in me that it's never going to be 'the right time'.

 

[CoachingBeef]

I know it's frustrating but you have to respect what he is saying. I'm sure it would be a different story if you weren't ready and he was desperately wanting to try. Just give him time, last thing you want is him feeling pressured, it'll only cause problems.
I waited two years for my husband to feel ready and that was only because his sister fell pregnant and thinks his little niece is great! He is a right softie!
xxx

 

[Aria]

No no no no no. If he says he's not ready, forcing him to start trying will only cause problems and resentment from him. He may want them later, but not now. 24 is still awfully young when it comes to men. Forcing fatherhood on him would probably spell the end of your marriage. Planned children need to be wanted before conception by both parents. It would be a big mistake to pressure or force him.

You've planted the seed in his head for trying soon. Maybe take him to a part when kids will be there. Sometimes it takes exposure to children for a man to decide he does want to be a daddy pretty soon. But HE has to be the one to come to this conclusion on his own without pressure.

 

[Chel]

Not that I'm encouraging setting this up, but I'm really glad that we kind of got pregnant by accident (we knew that unprotected sex = baby but we didn't really think it through!) I think if it ever came down to it, I probably wouldn't have been able to pin my OH down to a date to start to TTC, even though when we'd been together only a fortnight my OH asked me what did I want to do with my life and I told him upfront, I'm going to be a mother and he smiled and said "me too" (I assumed he meant father!!! )

Even now we're talking about the next one and he's saying we can start to TTC when we're out of debt and bought a car... seriously.... we will NEVER be out of date... and the car he wants keeps getting more and more expensive.... so I reckon it'll be a magical date that'll always be about 2 years away!

 

[mikababy]

Planned children need to be wanted before conception by both parents.

I know it's really hard when you get ridiculously broody and everything just screams BABY!!!! but I have to agree with Aria I'm afraid. I think that the idea of being a Dad at 24 is a lot to take on. He will probably need more time and not too much pressure to really get used to the idea. My DH is 37 and I've waited 3 years now for him to agree!

I don't think men think about future plans in any great detail at all. It's all just 'one day' or 'some day' to them and then when we start getting serious and it all suddenly becomes real they freak out!


.

 

[hexyewdancer]

There is never a right or wrong time to have children. You just both have to feel ready.

My hubby was like this for a long time. We got married and it all changed. I think it was due to him being around children more and seeing what he could have. Then we got pregnant and he was so scared. It's so hard for a man as they probably feel like they have to provide for an extra person and as they dont have the maternal bond that we do they fear they cant love a child.

My hubby though fell so in love with our baby at the first scan and has bonded so well with him. He's really broody and he's counting down the days till our LO is born more than i am.

Its just something that your husband needs to feel comfortable with. It might be good to sit with him and find out his fears then work on them together. Try not to force him into getting pregnant. He will only resent you and may in the end put a strain on your marriage.

Good luck though hun

 

[MoonMuffin]

Just try talking about why he wants to wait. Is there something he wants to do first? A vacation he wants to take with you? Maybe sit down and make a list of things you two want to do before having kids. Of course if its a huge list you guys may have to compromise. He'll come around eventually, but if he's not ready then he's not ready.

 

[sleepinbeauty]

Like ^they all said, that is all of our problems....

Mine flat-out doesn't want ANY though. Says that TTCing is up to me....but what if he's right and e haes it? (I don't think he will--I think he'll fall in love!)

 

[cinnamum]

all men do this! hopefully he will come round to the idea and just randomly surprise you with a new ttc date! my fingers are crossed for you x x x x x

 

[MaryJ]

Surprised the crap out of me when DH said he wanted to start trying. I wasn't ready - but I'm no fool... I didn't want him changing his mind on me. Dropped the BCP and conceived the next month.... Turns out hubby didn't actually want to get pg right away - he wanted to be TTCing for a little while Now I say I want another one and he wants no part of it - Of course 9 months + 6 weeks of forced celibacy will do that to a man. I think pregnancy was harder on him than it was on me.

 

[Aria]

Also, the way it works with men is the more you push them, the more they will resist and finally say what you want to hear. But when it comes to following through, good luck. You won't enjoy that fight much. An if you successfully pressure him, he will resent being pressured into something he didn't want to do.

You don't want to hear this, but you need to back off before your marriage falls apart. You BOTH need to be ready.

 

[MaryJ]

^ Yeah that!

 

[Vesta]

A big thank you to everyone who responded. Everyone has made really good points.

I guess I'm just going to have to wait until he feels ready. He's brilliant with kids. I come from a large family so they're are always babies and toddlers at family gatherings. I've seen him reading them books despite the fact there not old enough to understand. When I pointed out it was time to give the 6 week old baby he was holding back to her mother, he held her tighter and declared she was his now. It will be our baby some day. Just not any time soon.