I give up

[sarahlou1985]

Well just received my 24th month of BFN. I'm passed crying, past being upset. I've totally had enough. Not even a chemical or miscarriage. Nothing, I would even welcome either at this point. Then least I would know we could conceive.

As awful as miscarriages are nobody thinks of those who can't even get that with no explanation. Sick of the announcements, some people onto their second pregnancy, the one night stand accidents and the moaning about weight gain and morning sickness. I would do anything for that.

Never felt so alone in my life on this long journey and I give up

xxx

 

[xxshellsxx]

I know only too well the heartache of everyone else's BFP's I wanted to be the first to give my grandmother her first great-grandchild... she now has 11 and none of them are from me.

Don't give up, I know 24 months seems a life time, but maybe it's time to seek some answers and help (if you haven't already). Sometimes starting that process, as stressful as it can be, it can give you renewed optimism that things might change, if they find an issue the chances are it can be solved with intervention.

 

[abbie23]

Just wanted to give you a big hug Sarahlou. It's hard. I'm past 16 cycles and just like you said - nada. I'd like to have a miscarriage under my belt so that I knew something was working down there. It's getting difficult to even feel as though we're BDing for a purpose. All we can do is try stay positive, and give each other hugs.

 

[Hiswillbedone]

*hug* I know how you feel I wish I could give up though and stop thinking about it. baby dust to you!

 

[uwa_amanda]

I know how you feel. We pretty much hung it up after six years. We are in limbo about what we are going to do or not do. It is definitely a trying time to have never gotten a bfp and no one being able to figure out why. to you!!!

 

[Lawgirl]

I know how you feel. I think i felt the worst around the 18 month/two year mark. I've now progressed to feeling quite numb about it all (approaching 4 years).

I know some people would like something to happen, even if it does end in m/c, but trust me that it is as bad as if you have never conceived. I had two m/cs in 2009, with nothing since, and I'm left wondering what went wrong (or what did I do wrong) since that time.

 

[Chatterwockin]

Its natural to hope for something, just so you know. But i think no matter what we have been though women always feel like its somehow our fault, its not my darling xx

I wish i could make it better for you, post something that will warm your heart and make you think to yourself, hay its all going to be ok. But i lack the ability, as you will not feel comfort from anything at the moment, all i can do is send a hug.

 

[Duchess85]

Hugs and kisses to all. I can't say I understand how you must be feeling but I really hope you all get your bfp's very soon.

 

[tamithomas]

I semi understand except trust me, if I had it my way I would rather not have had my MC. Especially since that bean took 3 years to make. As far as I know, those who have would do anything not to have gone through it, in my opinion it's an even more spirit breaker then LTTC alone (for me it was at least). The "at least you can conceive" is one of the most annoying things we get told when we tell people we didn't carry to term. It may sound like a comforting idea but it's not. I do however send you loads of as LTTC can be so heartbreaking at times.

 

[theclarks8687]

I had been ttc for 5 yrs when I finally ended up pregnant. 5 yrs of bfn and testing and wondering if it would ever happen. I would not wish a mc on anyone. It is the most pain I will ever experience. Tomorrow I would be 7 months along, instead I am pouring over what I have lost. I know lttc is painful and I hope you get your bfp soon but do not be willing to settle for a mc. It is an indescribable pain of loss.

 

[Jamie Lynn]

Sorry to hear your heartache. But you are not alone. I feel like giving up all the time, and then a glimmer of hope comes, and then fades. It's a cycle. I just told my husband last night that I give up. And now I am here, searching for another glimmer of hope from someone. So, I am sad to see your pain, but at the same time it's a little bit of a comfort to see that I am not alone in this heart wrenching pain. I don't know what your faith is, but just hold on to it tight. We can only go so far with going after what we want, but really nothing is ultimately up to us, it's all in God's time. Those are the only words that keep my head up, so I hope it helps you.

 

[manduh726]

Thats how I feel about my miscarriage at least it lets me know its possible. But its still so hard.

 

[Taurus8484]

I kinda understand where your coming from, but trust me, after having 3 positive pregnancy tests and still no take home baby, a miscarriage or chemical time after time is hard, very very hard. Every emotion you can think of magnified over. Ive cried rivers of tears the last 5 months. And I still have no explanation even after all the tests Ive had done.

Wish you well on your journey.

 

[timeforababy]

hugs, I know how you feel. I'm starting cycle 15, CD1 today

 

[sarahlou1985]

Thanks so much for all of your lovely replies, this is the first time I've been back on since I wrote the first post. We are currently seeing a fertility specialist, had all the necessary blood work, everything great, OH sperm results great (in the end) had the HSG a couple of months ago everything was clear. Perfect, clockwork 28 day cycles. Great AMH result

We both take vitamins, eat healthily, use soft cups and conceive plus, you name it we do it, I used to temp but I use OPk's now, I know when I ovulate cos it is painful. I wish I didn't then we could try forget about it. Had ultrasounds everything good there too no cysts nothing. Next appointment is October but no idea what they'll do then.

I do get pain during ovulation and pain during the first few days of my cycle but it's a different pain, I don't get heavy or painful periods just this particular bowel pain. My doctor is convinced it's not endo because I don't have any other symptoms and have a 7 year old. Plus the pain is recent as in the last 18 months or so

I just don't know. So so frustrating. I think numb stage is coming up soon, Im passed crying, at the moment just angry. I am close to giving it all up before I lost my partner and I'm sick of being miserable

Thanks again for your lovely replies, felt better after a rant. I didn't mean to offend with the miscarriage thing, I worry so much that we just aren't compatible, if we couldn't have a baby together it would kill me, my soul mate xxxx

 

[Ducktales]

HI sarahlou, everything you say, i feel too, i just wanted to pick up on one point you said, about the doctor not thinking you had endo as you have no symptoms - i had my lap and dye in July and have no symptoms at all of anything - period pains but normal, not hideous, and is sometimes painful to go to the toilet during my period - and they found severe endo which was lasered away, plus they said it will all grow back within 6 months - so i think having a 7 year old and no symptoms definitely does not mean you don't have endometriosis. The only way to diagnose it is with a laparoscopy / hysterscopy, but i would consider this.
good luck
x

 

[stayinhappy]

To Sarahlou....I completley 100% understand exactly where you are coming from...as I am now 20 months TTC with nothing happening. All I can say is I understand what you are feeling...and the frustration and anger that today is very present for you. Once, I cried (in secret) when a good friend just happened to get preggers with a guy she met the month before. I've been there...and hopefully you get the strength to try again...and view each month as another chance, another opportunity to try again. Thats all I can offer....oh a sprinkle of baby dust to you when you again begin to try. Wishing you all the best!

 

[sarahlou1985]

Thanks again for your replies. I need to push for this laparoscopy. What is it with doctors not taking endometriosis serious? It's so common!!

This period I didn't get the bowel pain at all. It's so odd, iv noticed it seems to be when we BD the day before I start a period I will get the pain. This is why I don't need to chart, I literally know every day past ovulation what my cm will be like etc. weird.

Iv researched so much that I start my degree in a couple of months and hope to do something in fertility, particularly interested in embryology hmm.

What a strange journey this has become. Least if we take anything from
This it will be that I bet we all know our own bodies more than any women in the world, how empowering. Also, when our babies do decide to come then they will one day realise how much we longed for them. That's got to be special right xxx

 

[Cherokee]

I understand. LTTTC can be a very lonely and emotional time. I'm almost at my 24 month mark as well. My Brother in Law just had a son who is now a month old. Every time I see this kid my chest hurts. Guess all we can ever tell each other is don't give up hope & if you ever need to vent you have thousands of ladies that are willing to lend an ear Good Luck