I just can't get excited

[berwar]

I am almost 7 weeks pregnant after suffering a blighted ovum in December at 8 weeks. A week ago, I had some spotting and was convinced that I was having another m/c. I prepared for the worst. The ultrasound tech said it was really too early to see much but she thought she saw a heartbeat and she scheduled a follow up for a week later, which brings us to today. Both the doctor and ultrasound tech said pregnancy looks great, the spotting has since stopped, and we were able to see a tiny little bean with a flickering heartbeat today. You'd think I'd be over the moon, right? I told myself that if today went well, I would allow myself to get excited. Instead, I sit here focusing on the baby measuring a little behind what I expected and feeling like I really couldn't see much of anything to reassure me.
I never realized just how much damage this previous m/c had done to my psyche. I have a healthy baby growing in my belly and all I can think about is the worst case scenario, not allowing myself to get attached or hurt and not wanting to tell all our family members again only to suffer another loss.
Has anyone else ever gone through this kind of feeling? I know its insane but I just can't seem to shake this worry and detachment. I have wanted this baby for the longest time and now I can't ever get excited about it. What is wrong with me?!

 

[Topanga053]

I think you hit the nail on the head. It's AMAZING how much damage a miscarriage does to your psyche. It completely destroys the innocence from pregnancy. Instead of being this amazing, miraculous time, you realize just how much can go wrong and that it really can happen to you.

I had a blighted ovum diagnosed in August 2012 at 9 weeks. It took us eight cycles to get pregnant again. When I was PAL, I didn't really believe it. the first scan with a good HB was encouraging... for a little while. Then I would start worrying again. I was pretty distant (or tried to be) for the first half of the pregnancy. I finally started enjoying it a lot more after my 18 weeks gender scan. Even then, the first thing the tech did at the scan is tell us that it was a girl. Even though I always wanted a girl, I wasn't excited. I just sat in the chair, unable to breathe, until the tech finished the exam and told me that EVERYTHING looked normal and healthy. Even seeing the HB then, I kept waiting for her to say that something else looked wrong. It was horrible. After that scan showed a completely healthy baby, that was FINALLY when I started to relax and let myself start really thinking about names, daycare, etc. Even so, I refused to tell anyone but our closest friends/family members when I went in for delivery. I was still scared about what could happen. That LO is 15 months now and is beautiful, happy, healthy little girl.

PAL (while better than TTCAL, granted) was a scary, stressful journey. I spent the first half of it trying to prepare myself for the possibility of losing another one. Unless you've had a loss yourself, I don't think anyone could understand just how terrifying and emotionally draining PAL is.

I am STILL very envious and bitter about my friends who have had multiple successful pregnancies and have NO IDEA what it's like to lose a baby, then TTCAL month after month, then finally get a BFP, but be convinced that you're going to lose it again. I'm so jealous that they get a BFP and make an announcement and plan names and nurseries and just TRUST that everything will work out and then it DOES. I'm just really sad that I never got to have that kind of happy, innocent experience with pregnancy.

So you're not alone. I hope it gets better for you and I definitely wish you a H&H 9 months.

 

[berwar]

Topanga053, while I hate that you have had to experience such a similar pain to my own, I can honestly say that everything you wrote just made me feel so much better. Thank you for sharing your story with me! I don't want to be ambivalent about this growing little baby and I am going to do my best to embrace this pregnancy, even if it scares me to death. I imagine this is a very normal way to respond when you have the rug ripped right out from under you with a blighted ovum. I guess I just mistakenly imagined (without realizing it) that getting pregnant again would heal the hurt from the loss. The truth is, it just stirs up a lot of fears you buried down deep. I have a friend on Facebook who just announced her pregnancy at 4 weeks! I can't believe it! How wonderful it must be to have never faced a loss like that and to just put it all out there without fear. I am still trying to decide when and how to tell people.
Congrats to you on your BFP! We are probably pretty close in due date, if you decide you want a friend to share the experience with! I'm crossing my fingers for a H&H pregnancy for you as well!

 

[mummy2o]

I also know what your going through. I've had one first trimester loss and a 2nd trimester loss at 19 weeks. So when I can relax this time, I'm just not sure. I had a scan the day before I gave birth to my son and people kept telling me everything was fine and I kept telling them they were wrong. I guess I have some peace of mind for extra monitoring this time round but still can't help something won't go wrong. I have yet to have a scan in this pregnancy, but might treat myself to one on my due date of my son next week. Just hoping everything goes smoothly this time.

 

[Spudtastic]

You ladies describe it exactly. I am 5+2 and I am terrified of everything. If I get a twinge I am scared I am miscarrying. If I don't feel anything I am scared.

good luck ladies. I hope this time we will get to hold our wriggling babies.

 

[xavia143]

I can sympathize with you. I had a miscarriage April 4th through the 8th. I went to the ER because I was bleeding and they told me that everything was fine and that it was a threatened miscarriage. I found out that I am pregnant again and the doctor was able to the yolk sac and said that everything is fine. However, i find myself reluctant to get excited. I am around 3 weeks to 4 weeks.

 

[StarAngel]

aw I wish I saw this post sooner, I literally just posted about my PAL, I am absolutely petrified and feel so detached from this pregancy. I want to get excited and start planning but I am afraid to jinx anything, the othet week I bought a pram and cot and I was so anxious that I didnt want to bring them into the house until closer to the time. Such a lonely place to be, (fortunately) I have no friends that have experienced this, they have all had healthy pregnancies and babies and so I feel so out of the loop with this pregnancy, thanks for sharing your stories and am very sorry for losses xxx

 

[lilmisscaviar]

I sympathize with you. I really do. I had a MC back in October and when I became pregnant again in January I thought "What are the chances of having another MC?" so I posted on Facebook as soon as I had my I was over the moon excited! My family was a little angry that I didn't tell them before blurting it out on Facebook for all my friends to see but I HAD to tell someone... everyone... I wanted the world to know to get over my depression from my previous loss.

Then came the storm. At my first ultrasound appointment it was discovered that the baby didn't have a heart beat. My hopes and dreams were crushed. Even more so because I had already told everybody I was pregnant. I felt so embarrassed when I had to tell them what happened (the first one I lost was kept private) but you know what? There was a lot of support from girls who had been there, done that, and in a way - though it was still embarrassing because I felt stupid for not waiting until the typical 12 weeks - I was glad that I did. I think their support helped me get over my grief a lot sooner than I would have.

It was discovered I had a severe uterine infection that had to be cleared up before I had any more children if I hoped to keep them to term, which I did, and had to be on antibiotics for a while. I'm glad I did because I'm feeling a lot better now, both physically and emotionally. Now that I'm pregnant again, just found out yesterday actually, I am not as excited as I was hoping I'd be. I guess because I'm still upset about my two previous losses. I'm especially upset about the second loss since I told so many people. Even though I appreciated their support, I think I am going to wait until maybe the gender reveal ultrasound to tell anyone this time, just so I know if the baby is born early this time, it will have a fighting chance.