I just really need someone to talk to...

[XoXoHearts]

I don't mean to be a total downer but I am pretty upset right now. Years ago I was forced to make a very hard decision, I was with my now ex fiance and we had a son, 8 months in he decided that I must have cheated. I had one week to leave with my son and no one to help me and no where to go. I literally had nothing, no money, no car, no place to stay (I called over 20 people only to hear "no" when I asked if I could stay a few days on their couch with my baby). I knew that if I worked very very hard I could raise my son but he wouldn't have any of my time and I would barely be able to provide for him because I didn't even have an education. I decided the best thing for him was to do whatever it took to give him the life he deserved. He went to a wonderful family that can give him the world. Fast forward: We weren't actively trying but when it happened I was happy and sad. I feel like having a new baby is wrong that I shouldn't have another one because I couldn't keep my son and I feel guilty because I am happy. My partner and I decided that even though we're only 8 1/2 weeks along we would tell some of our close friends. No one is happy about it. I've heard that I don't need another baby, had someone ask me if I'm going to give this one away too, and the only person that even thought to say congratulations was the receptionist at my dentists office when I called to ask if I could still get work done. I know it shouldn't matter what other people think and I should just be happy because having a child is supposed to be a very happy occasion but I'm very sad. Why would people say those things to me, they know the full story, they've seen how many hard years it took for me to be functional again, yet they chose some of the worst things possible. Am I a terrible person because I gave my son up for adoption? I did what I thought was the right thing. Is it wrong that I'm having a new baby? Is it okay to be happy?

 

[Julia35]

Aww (((((hugs))))!! Giving up a baby had to be the most difficult thing you have ever done. Adoption is a selfless act. It's putting your baby's needs ahead of your deep feelings of love. I'm sure your son is in great hands and a happy, well adjusted child.

Congrats on your new baby! You are in a different place now and can support this child. Does that mean you didn't love your son? Of course not. It means you loved him A LOT.

 

[lovenoel]

I was adopted and I had a great life! Of course you're allowed to be happy and excited about a new baby. Congratulations!

 

[lilmissmup]

I agree with Julia. You sound heartbroken I hope your new baby can help heal your heart and that you get to see your baby boy one day. xx

 

[XoXoHearts]

Thank you. I love him so much and part of me is also worried that I'll never be able to love another child the way that I love him.

 

[XoXoHearts]

Thank you.

 

[Munchkin30]

Oh hon first of all congratulations on your pregnancy! You made an incredibly brave selfless decision and your son will understand that some day. My oh is adopted and he's had an amazing life and my dd's 'adoptive' grandparents are amazing to us all x
I can't imagine how hard it must be for you though , I had a termination early on when I was young and every pregnancy makes me think about the one I haven't got. It was the right decision but still.
The other thing I've learnt is with anything in life, those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind. You don't need everyone else's approval, you know what you're doing and that's all that matters xxx

 

[alex_22]

You gave your first baby the greatest gift ever, you gave him the life he deserved don't beat yourself up about it you did what a mother should do and you put him first despite however much it killed you, this baby will never fill the place of your son you will still think about him every day and hopefully one day he will be a part of your life again, congratulations on your pregnancy x

 

[XoXoHearts]

I know, I try my best to ignore negative people, especially the ones that believe that keeping your child is always an option and if you didn't then you were selfish by giving them up. It's just so hard to stay positive all the time. I believe that everyone has the right to their opinion and I would never want someone to pretend that they felt or thought differently than they actually do. But there's a time and a place for everything. Even before this happened to me I've always thought that when it comes to adoption and termination you try your best to listen and be supportive. You don't tell someone they were wrong and give them a list of the things they should have done better. Those are never decisions to make and sometimes it's just nice to have people you can talk to that will try to understand. I don't mean to be needy but I've kept this in as much as possible all of this time. Being pregnant already makes me extremely sensitive and quick to cry but it's just really tough this time. I keep trying to think of the positive things though. He has a life that I could never give him first hand and maybe one day I can help someone who doesn't have anywhere to go.

 

[alex_22]

You need to realise that what you done isnt wrong, it was right for you what's right for you isn't right for everyone else but that doesnt mean it's wrong, I bet the people having an opinion have never been in a position like you therefore have no right putting their opinion across to you were all entitled to have an opinion but we arnt always entitled to express our opinions, take no notice of negative comments you don't need it x

 

[Munchkin30]

Oh and my aunt had a son when she was 19 who she had adopted . She also has a daughter she 'kept' and they have a wonderful relationship. She has now, nearly 50 yeas later, met her son and they are building a beautiful relationship. He too had a wonderful upbringing and has done extremely well I'm his life xx

 

[Eegee]

You say this happened years ago - if it happened last year and you were pregnant again then I could understand their concerns, but they need to get over it. It's not their business really - you made a hard decision and they should admire you rather than be so horrible. You don't need people like that in your life.

 

[leahtaba]

What horrible friends you have. In fact if they cant be supportive of you and happy for you then they arent friends at all. Dont let anyone make you feel bad for a difficult decision made in your sons best interest. Oh and congratulations!

 

[GH081012]

I don't mean to be a total downer but I am pretty upset right now. Years ago I was forced to make a very hard decision, I was with my now ex fiance and we had a son, 8 months in he decided that I must have cheated. I had one week to leave with my son and no one to help me and no where to go. I literally had nothing, no money, no car, no place to stay (I called over 20 people only to hear "no" when I asked if I could stay a few days on their couch with my baby). I knew that if I worked very very hard I could raise my son but he wouldn't have any of my time and I would barely be able to provide for him because I didn't even have an education. I decided the best thing for him was to do whatever it took to give him the life he deserved. He went to a wonderful family that can give him the world. Fast forward: We weren't actively trying but when it happened I was happy and sad. I feel like having a new baby is wrong that I shouldn't have another one because I couldn't keep my son and I feel guilty because I am happy. My partner and I decided that even though we're only 8 1/2 weeks along we would tell some of our close friends. No one is happy about it. I've heard that I don't need another baby, had someone ask me if I'm going to give this one away too, and the only person that even thought to say congratulations was the receptionist at my dentists office when I called to ask if I could still get work done. I know it shouldn't matter what other people think and I should just be happy because having a child is supposed to be a very happy occasion but I'm very sad. Why would people say those things to me, they know the full story, they've seen how many hard years it took for me to be functional again, yet they chose some of the worst things possible. Am I a terrible person because I gave my son up for adoption? I did what I thought was the right thing. Is it wrong that I'm having a new baby? Is it okay to be happy?

In my opinion:
You are not a terrible person for doing what you felt was best for your child at the time. If you are in a better relationship with a better person that trust you then no, you are not wrong for having another baby. Yes it is ok for you to be happy.
I am not saying it's ok for people to treat you the way that they are but I do have something that I'm wondering why you didn't consider: Why didn't you consider a homeless shelter?? or Did you?? They have all types of shelters, including single parent and child shelters. If you really really really wanted to keep your child with you, why didn't you consider one of the shelters? I was in the same boat you was in, only I wanted my child with me bad enough to seek even homeless shelters that would accept both of us.

 

[eris]

First off, congratulations on your pregnancy! Second off, I'm so very sorry people are being so horrible. They really have NO PLACE to sit in judgement of you and your choices that were obviously very difficult. You made the best decision you could have out of a very crap situation. I really wish I could just give you a hug so E-HUG!

People unfortunately can be very crap and say even crappier things, but like others have said, if you are in a healthy place now then all that matters is what the two of you are doing, as hard as that is. Some of my own family were kind of crappy about me being pregnant, but you know what? I'm a grown ass adult in a loving relationship and they don't have to live my life. I do. If they can't accept what I'm doing with my life then that's their problem, not mine. Just as how they feel is not your problem. You just keep on doing what's right for you and your SO and now your baby.

Good luck to you and we are here if you need to talk!

 

[leahtaba]

..

 

[Heinrude]

Giving a child up for adoption is the most selfless act a person can ever do, no matter how old the child is. Unfortunately, too many parents don't realize the true value of their situation and the hardships and how it will affect the child for a lifetime. These children can grow up neglected (emotionally, physically, financially), abused because of the increase stress, and not having a proper sense of self worth. What matters is that you do love your son, you value him and his life, and he feels worthy of the life you have provided for him and his adoptive family has. A child needs to feel loved, valued, wanted, worthy and unfortunately many parents fail at that.
It is too bad my husbands parents didn't choose the same as you choose for your child....he grew up very neglected, without proper medical care, nutrition, and clothes, he didn't ever feel loved and felt as the burden to his parents situation, the value his parents saw in him was to take all of his paychecks as soon as he could work for their gain and for him to be the 'parent and caretaker' to his little sister, and his sense of self worth was nonexistent. His dad always told him that he would divorce his mom as soon as he was done with high school, so he had that guilt his whole life. Today, 36 years later, he has no positive relationship with his divorced parents and not much to do with them or his sister. He has nothing positive to say about his childhood and teenage years, he felt a burden and not wanted. His salvation came from his best friends mother in high school who clothed him, fed him, gave him a roof over his head, and let him be a normal child. His grandmother and several other extended family members talk about how they tried to get his parents to realize the situation and adopt him and his sister to another family who could provide. His parents refused because of their selfishness. He carries a lot of weight on his shoulders about it all still and has resentment that his parents didn't do the right thing knowing darn well they could not care or provide for him. Had he been adopted out he probably would have had a decent childhood and a relationship with his parents, it would have been a better situation all around.
Anyhow, you choose to not go down the road my husbands parents did and I believe that you are intelligent enough to understand your situation at the time and how it would affect your sons future. You have a chance to have a positive relationship with him and he will some day be grateful for your tough decision and perhaps want to build a relationship with you and your new baby. As far as your friends and family to judge you, embrace your pregnancy because like your son, you value this baby, you want this baby, you love this baby, and you have intentions to provide this baby with the best experience you can so it can grow up feeling loved, valued, worthy, and wanted. If they still judge you, perhaps you should cut the line with a few of them because a true friend will do their best to support you no matter what. They do not have to agree with your decision, but they should support you and your decision. Some friends are in our life for a moment, some for awhile, some for a few years, and some for a lifetime, so don't worry about them.....you son and this baby will be in your heart and life until eternity.
Another idea would be to talk with the adoption counselor you used with your son and see if she has any other former clients who are in a similar situation like you and maybe she could introduce you to one or let you talk with one and perhaps start a new friendship with one because you would have a lot in common.
Just remember, you are not alone. There are many many woman who have been in your shoes before and it does get better, just keep you head held high and take each day as a blessing with the baby growing in your belly and as a blessing knowing your son is well taken care of and happy.