I think I need a therapist.

TMonster

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I started looking for a therapist a few weeks ago after I found everything that is going on with me but all she does is tell me how much my situation sucks and how overwhelming it is. She doesn't do anything to help me feel better or help me cope with it.

Every time I think about going into labor, all I think about is how they are going to take her from me and I can't stop crying.
I know they have to, I know its for her own good but I just cannot deal with it.

Are there any specialists that deal with these types of issues specifically?

I go through a range of emotions from never wanting to give birth because I want to keep her inside of me all the time where I feel she is safe to wanting a C-Section because I don't want to go through hours of labor knowing that after all that work I will have her ripped from my arms after just a few seconds.

Part of me wants to be so drugged that I have no recollection of any of it and its just over and done with and part of me wants no drugs and an all natural birth so I can recover faster and head over to the NICU and see her.

I just can't stop crying.
 
Everything is going to get better, I know that its hard but I can say it gets better:) you can also pm me if u just need someone to just sit and listen. And I think its wrong that she was not being supportive and just telling u how it sucks. Keep your head up:hugs:
 
It may be difficult for the therapist at this point because no one knows how you are actually going to react once you have your baby. You are anticipating a, b and c happening when in reality, your reaction may be a lot better than you'd think. I pretty much knew I'd be having a NICU baby, and after he was born I was in good spirits (and still am). Giving birth to him relieved a lot of stress even though he was 14 weeks early. You may find the same happens when you have your baby.

Maybe you can sit down and have a talk with your specialist about being able to hold your baby after she's born. Are you expecting an early delivery, or has your baby been diagnosed with something? If she's born full term, or close to it, I don't see why you won't be able to hold her right after (albeit for a short time). If there's no question, and you won't be able to hold her, rest assured knowing that she's in the hands she needs to be in. Yes, she's supposed to be in your hands, but unfortunately you don't have the tools to fix whatever issues she may have. I didn't get to hold my son until he was 5 days old, but I knew he was in the hands he needed to be in. Keep your chin up.
 
Thanks.
Yes, it's true, I have no idea how I will really react. She is diagnosed with a severe congenital heart defect and needs to be put on prostaglandin asap to prevent the ductus from closing. They told me that I can hold her for a few seconds and take a picture of her right away and then I will be able to visit her in the NICU once I am able to walk again it just feels like it will be so long. Possibly 12 hours! I wish there was some way they can bring the crib into the room with me during that time or bring me to the NICU in a wheelchair so I can see her. I feel so attached to her now I can't imagine that it will get easier.

I know she will be in the hands she needs to be in. I am just having a difficult time making my peace with it. :(
 
im sorry:hugs: keep your head up i know that its going to be hard and i cant even imagine that happening to me:/ definently keep your head up and stay strong for your babygirl :)
 
I know it`s really, really hard... I had a planned c section at 27 weeks and was told my son had 25% odds of surviving. I kept focusing on the fact that... he would be in the very BEST place, exactly where he needed to be.

For every complication, every risky procedure, I would repeat this as a mantra.

He is being fed by IV because that`s what`s best for him now.

He is being ventilated because his lungs need rest right now, so they can heal and grow strong.

He is receiving a spinal tap because that`s what he needs right now so we can have answers.

He is being put on medication xyz because it`s what`s best for him right now.

For me it helped to keep repeating that to myself.

I know some parents find it excruciating to not be able to hold their baby. To me that didn`t bother me at all - I wanted him to receive the best care, what he needed! If that meant I couldn`t hold him (and I didn`t for weeks) then it`s a small price to pay for his well being. I know that doesn`t work for everyone! I saw parents cry their hearts out because they couldn`t hold their little one for 24 hours! I hope I don`t offend anyone by saying that. It`s just what I told myself repeatedly to survive the whole ordeal.

Every NICU unit has an assigned psychologist. If you`re not going anywhere with yours, ask to see the NICU one! They have great experience with parents of sick/preemie babies. At our hospital, the wonderful lady just wandered from room to room and asked how you were. You could politely just nod, exchange a few words or open the floodgates as they say and talk for as long as you needed! She was my ROCK and kept me sane during my son`s stay.

ps my son`s nicu stay had a happy ending. Many preemie/sick children do. Please focus on that :hugs::hugs::hugs:
 
Oh my, all you ladies have given such wonderful advice and encouragement! These are some smart ladies TMonster!! :)

The only thing I can think of to add is this... Request a wheelchair so you can go see your little one as soon as possible! If you are worried that one will not be available, do what I did... I had my hubby go out and purchase a inexpensive wheelchair (cost about $90CAN but well worth it) so I could have one of my own once the twins were born and could get to the NICU as soon as the spinal wore off. After I had healed and no longer needed it, I gave it to an elderly lady I knew who was recovering from hip surgery.

You and your little one are in my thoughts and prayers!
 
Vermeil, you are so brave! I am so happy to see your 1lb 4 ouncer is doing well! A baby just got placed near my son and she weighs 1lb 1oz!!

TMonster, what kind of heart defect does your daughter have? Is it at all possible that she could be born and actually not have it? I've heard a good amount of stories where doctors told pregnant women their baby would be born with x, y and z and they didn't have it when they were born. My husband has a congenital heart defect too but it rarely affects him; not all of them are that bad.

I know it's hard, but be glad you get to hold her right after she's born! That's a blessing! Like Vermeil said, some moms don't get to hold their babies for days or weeks. And it sounds like your daughter will be born full-term so that is something to be thankful for too!
 
She has tetralogy of fallot with pulmonary atresia.
The tetralogy of fallot is easier to deal with than the pulmonary atresia portion.


I wrote this explanation to help our parents understand what the condition is but they found it to be very helpful so I will post it here.

To simplify this as much as possible, I will start by explaining how a normal heart works.
The heart has 2 sides, a right side and and a left side. Each side is also split into 2 chambers so there are 4 total chambers.

The top chambers are the receiving chambers called the atrium. The atria are separated by a small muscle called the interarterial septum.

The lower chambers are the pumping chambers called ventricles and they are separated by a small muscle called the interventricular septum.

There are 5 great vessels that enter and leave the heart: The superior vena cava, the inferior vena cava, the pulmonary artery, the pulmonary vein and the aorta.

Deoxygenated red blood cells from the body flow through the superior and inferior vena cava and enter the right atrium (upper right side).

The blood then flows across the tricuspid valve to the right ventricle (lower right side). The right ventricle then pumps the blood through the pulmonary valve into the pulmonary artery.

The pulmonary artery splits into two vessels and transports the blood into the lungs.

As the blood makes its way through the lungs collecting oxygen, it travels through the pulmonary veins to the left atrium (upper left side.)

The blood drains through the mitral valve into the left ventricle (lower left side) and then pumped through the aortic valve into the aorta which then sends the blood to the various muscles and organs throughout the body.


With Tetralogy of Fallot the orientation of the interventricular septum formed very slightly anterior than it should have which positioned it right in front of the pulmonary artery thus resulting in several defects.

The first defect is a ventricular septal defect. This, very simply is a (large, in our case) hole in the 2 lower chambers of the heart. This allows the oxygenated and deoxygenated blood to mix.

Because of the way the septum is positioned, it causes a narrowing in the pathway from the right ventricle to the pulmonary artery. In our case, we have something known as pulmonary atresia, which means there is a complete obstruction of the pathway and thus no usable pulmonary valve was ever formed.

Due to the placement of the septum the aorta formed slightly to the right and overrides both the left and right ventricles so the level of oxygenated blood traveling through the aorta is decreased.

As a compensatory mechanism, the muscle around the right ventricle thickens over time to help increase blood flow out to the pulmonary artery but since we are dealing with an obstruction and a hole in the heart the blood only flows out into the aorta. Normal tet patients eventually have a right ventricle that is shaped a bit like a boot due to the hypertrophy.

When a baby is in the womb they get all their oxygen from the placenta and their lungs are filled with amniotic fluid. A blood vessel called the ductus arteriosus forms connecting the pulmonary artery to the aorta. The ductus closes on its own several hours (sometimes minutes) to days after birth once the child is breathing normally.

In Zoe's case, because we know about the condition in advance, they are going to give her a compound known as prostaglandin E1 in order to prevent the ductus from closing. The ductus allows oxygen-rich blood from the aorta (or in our case mixed) to mix with oxygen-poor blood from the pulmonary artery (in our case none.) Long term use can put strain on the heart and increase blood pressure in the lung arteries as well as trigger apneas.

Since we cannot keep her on the prostaglandin forever, there are 2 options that they may pursue. The first is a palliative procedure which is a more traditional approach to ToF. This would keep Zoe on the prostaglandin for a few days and then place a (BT) shunt in which I believe will go directly from the aorta to the pulmonary arteries to make sure that the lungs get enough blood flow.

When she is between 3-6 months they will do something known as a complete repair. The complete repair involves patching the ventricular septal defect (hole in the heart) and using a conduit (homograft) valve to replace the one that never formed and connecting it to the right ventricle and the pulmonary artery. An alternative is a transannular patch.

Repeat procedures may occur due to calcification of the graft and/or leaking of the valve as she grows. Unfortunately a homograft cannot grow with her.

My surgeon is not in favor of the palliative procedure. He wants to do the complete repair within days after birth. This would reduce her exposure to anesthesia and only give her one procedure to recover from, less exposure to other drugs etc.

So, the defect is correctable but because she has no pulmonary valve she will need to have either a conduit or a transannular patch used. If its a transannular patch (which can grow with her but is subjected to greater levels of leakage) it will need to be replaced with a (pig) valve at some point, hopefully in 10 years or so and possibly when she is a teenager which will require open heart surgery. If a conduit is used (more likely option) she will need to have it palpated every couple of years as well as replaced every 4-6 years due to calcification and growth but my hospital has a cath lab that can do the replacements there.

I don't think there is much of a chance of her not having the defect. I have had 4 fetal echos so far and I am going for another fetal echo on Tuesday. The findings have all been the same. The heart forms in the first few weeks but unfortunately the defect cannot really be seen until the 20 week scan. Even at the 20 week scan the heart is the size of a chickpea and 80% of cases with this defect are missed until after birth.

There is a lady on this forum who had a home birth and then when the baby was 5 months old and having episodes was told that she needed emergency surgery or she would die. In her case it was just plain tet so the pathway was extremely narrow but not completely blocked off. Pulmonary atresia is unfortunately the most severe variant of the condition.

Once repaired she will be monitored frequently and will need to see a cardiologist every year for the rest of her life, even as an adult but she should be able to run, play and have no real restrictions as a child once everything is repaired.

I know it will be difficult and I am terrified of the surgery. Its a 6-10 hour open heart procedure but my surgeon is extremely skilled and it is one of the top childrens hospitals in the country. They are monitoring me very carefully and everyone involved knows what is going on and is prepared which tremendously increases the probability of a good outcome.

Because all the echos are done in utero it is difficult to know exactly what option the surgeon will choose. Once she is born she will have an echo that will determine what the surgeon believes he is capable of doing to give her the best possible outcome. So far he believes he can do the complete repair in one procedure shortly after birth but that may change once she is born and he gets a really good look. Unfortunately I don't think there is any mistaking the defect :(

I hope this wasn't too long and boring.
 
Tmonster, I also just wanted to add that you can certainly go see her in a wheelchair. My first few visits were in the wheelchair, my husband pushed me, and I was certainly not the only Mama in one.
 
Thanks everyone!
I am getting closer each day and while part of me still feels like its all surreal I think I am also coming to terms with everything and feeling more comfortable with the process.

I am going to try for natural but if necessary I will ask for a walking epidural which should be enough to recover quickly enough to see her. If I need a section or a full blown epidural so be it. I will cuddle with her for a moment as soon as she is born and I will see her again shortly after and I will make sure DH takes lots of pictures for me so I don't feel like I am missing out on as much. I will have plenty of time in the NICU with her and I am certain she will be home before I know it.
It will be scary and emotional and I doubt I will be able to sleep the day before her surgery or the immediate days after but I know things will get better and I need to be strong.
 

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