I'm becoming a horrible person

[misslissa]

I was always such a 'nice' person but after a few crappy years I have become more and more jealous and bitter around others.

I care a lot about my friends and enjoy spending time with them BUT I also dread seeing them, speaking to them, going out etc because I feel so inferior in every way. They all have good jobs, homes, bodies - lives generally. I am not happy in any aspect of my life apart from having a lovely boyfriend and even that has been tested to the limits because of a rough few years. I'm the only unmarried one too, that doesn't bother me as much but it is just another thing I don't have.

Then at work my colleague seems to have everything too, I am dreading work tomorrow as she did a 10k today and I am massively jealous. Good on her for doing it, I don't want to feel like this. In the last couple of years she has bought a house, lost weight, been on four foreign holidays, got fit and finally has decided to start TTC. I've done the opposite. Lost my home, put on weight, not had a holiday, become unfit, stopped or rethinking TTC and started binge eating again.

I hate feeling like this and I hate feeling like I have excuses for being in this position. We lost everything financially a while ago, I have been diagnosed with chronic fatigue which has impacted on my weight and ruined my fitness. This has made me thoroughly depressed and has impacted even more on my weight - I am obsessed with how I look and what I eat. So is my colleague but in a different way, whereas I can't bare to discuss my weight / fitness for her it is all she talks about. No thats a lie, she talks about everything that hurts me - losing weight, house, babies - the three things I desperately want is all she talks about. Every time it's like daggers in my heart, the envy is immense.

It's similar with my friends but as I don't see them as regularly I can 'hide' my true feelings a little but I see my colleague every day. I don't think I can face walking in the office tomorrow, she did a 10k today and I've already seen all the positive responses on FB, tomorrow will be horrible. She is no wallflower and will tell everyone how amazing she was. I hate her arrogance and selfishness on one hand but on the other I envy it, I have no self confidence and wish I could have some.

Everytime I see my friends one of them has just had a promotion / got engaged / been on holiday / lost weight / bought a house / got pregnant. It's hard having such mixed feelings towards people I actually like.

I must sound like a horrible person and I know the only way to change this situation is to do something about it but I don't know where to start, it seems to big a challenge. Instead I have lived in this limbo for years getting more and more bitter.

Sorry for the rant, I needed to vent.

 

[tashak88]

Hugs xx I'm the same way sometimes too if u need to chat pm me

 

[SparklyButton]

You aren't a horrible person at all!! What you are feeling sounds completely natural.

Are you comfortable with telling any of your friends how you feel at all? You may find that they feel the same as you in some ways, even the people who seem to have everything are jealous as well! (Sometimes even more so, which is why they feel the need to talk about how good their lives are!)

Do you have any hobbies at all? If not maybe you should think of starting something...nothing big but just baking or sewing or something that you're interested in which would take your mind off things as well as give you something to talk about to everyone.

Hope you are ok

 

[misslissa]

Hugs xx I'm the same way sometimes too if u need to chat pm me

Thank you, I hate being like this, it's not the normal, old me. She's in there hiding behind this horrible me at the moment. x

 

[Redhead84]

OK - first things first - stop beating yourself up so much. All this is doing is ruining your esteem and self confidence and the more you do it, the more the spiral turns downwards and suddenly you're 1000ft underwater looking for more weights to take you further down.

It seems like you have been bottling this up for a considerable length of time, and you have now reached that point in your head where there is no more room and it's all become muddled and messy.

I would strongly suggest that you go and see your GP. There are some great people that they can refer you on to in order that you can talk through your feelings and come up with practical ways of dealing with all of this, thereby removing the pressure on yourself. It will take time, and you won't feel amazing overnight, but the sooner you start unloading the burden you've put on yourself the better.

My OH, Dan, had been introverted all his life, and bottled things up to well over 20 years. Within that time some pretty traumatic things happened to him, not least being prosecuted for dangerous driving and dealing with the resulting prison time and guilt over the injuries he caused to another person. This might not seem relevant, but he kept his fears and innermost thoughts from his then girlfriend for such a long time that in the end she left... do not let this happen to you - if you haven't already, start talking to your OH.. part of the foundation of my relationship with Dan is that we share everything we feel when we feel it. Talk, talk and talk some more... make others feel uncomfortable for a while by wearing your heart on your sleeve rather than deep within your own mind.

Just one more note... other people's lives are going to happen around you however you feel, that's just life, concentrate on yourself.. you'l be surprised at how much easier it is to deal with that 10k the woman at work did when you realise just what you have, and that you don't really care much any way!

Good luck, and if you need to chat.. do PM me.

Lizzie

 

[misslissa]

You aren't a horrible person at all!! What you are feeling sounds completely natural.

Are you comfortable with telling any of your friends how you feel at all? You may find that they feel the same as you in some ways, even the people who seem to have everything are jealous as well! (Sometimes even more so, which is why they feel the need to talk about how good their lives are!)

Do you have any hobbies at all? If not maybe you should think of starting something...nothing big but just baking or sewing or something that you're interested in which would take your mind off things as well as give you something to talk about to everyone.

Hope you are ok

Thanks so much, I thought I would be very on my own here tbh.

I haven't told anyone other than my bf how I feel because I would hate to put any negative feelings onto my friends / colleague. I know that sounds daft but I have this thing that if you say how lucky they are bla bla bla then something bad might happen to them and I'd feel really responsible. Daft I know. I'm proud of my mates for what they've achieved and don't want them to know how jealous I am.

No hobbies really, I do need something, want to learn a Italian but I never get round to it. I did go to an adult ballet class last week which I enjoyed.

Do you know the more I talk about myself the more I realise how depressed I still am. I'm not as bad as I have been but there is still a big cloud over me a lot of the time.

I don't try anything new because I'm scared of failing, can't afford it, too tired etc. I'm 31 and I've been just getting by each for a good 4 years now. Life is seriously passing me by.

I haven't gone in to work today because of my jealously towards my colleague. Ridiculous.

I am loads better on the whole but I'm no where near where I should be.

The old me was out twice a week in the pub, loved shopping and getting dressed up, was quite outrageous at times, kind, happy. God I would love to be that person again.

 

[misslissa]

OK - first things first - stop beating yourself up so much. All this is doing is ruining your esteem and self confidence and the more you do it, the more the spiral turns downwards and suddenly you're 1000ft underwater looking for more weights to take you further down.

It seems like you have been bottling this up for a considerable length of time, and you have now reached that point in your head where there is no more room and it's all become muddled and messy.

I would strongly suggest that you go and see your GP. There are some great people that they can refer you on to in order that you can talk through your feelings and come up with practical ways of dealing with all of this, thereby removing the pressure on yourself. It will take time, and you won't feel amazing overnight, but the sooner you start unloading the burden you've put on yourself the better.

My OH, Dan, had been introverted all his life, and bottled things up to well over 20 years. Within that time some pretty traumatic things happened to him, not least being prosecuted for dangerous driving and dealing with the resulting prison time and guilt over the injuries he caused to another person. This might not seem relevant, but he kept his fears and innermost thoughts from his then girlfriend for such a long time that in the end she left... do not let this happen to you - if you haven't already, start talking to your OH.. part of the foundation of my relationship with Dan is that we share everything we feel when we feel it. Talk, talk and talk some more... make others feel uncomfortable for a while by wearing your heart on your sleeve rather than deep within your own mind.

Just one more note... other people's lives are going to happen around you however you feel, that's just life, concentrate on yourself.. you'l be surprised at how much easier it is to deal with that 10k the woman at work did when you realise just what you have, and that you don't really care much any way!

Good luck, and if you need to chat.. do PM me.

Lizzie

Hi,

I've had a good sleep on things today and I do need to stop beating myself up. Yes things have been bottled up for a long time, I do talk to my oh though, he's great and understands as he has similar issues. We've been through a lot together and therefore have similar feelings to eachother. It's great having someone who understands but also means he gets knocked down easily too, he hates me feeling low same as I hate seeing him low. I see in him what he sees in me yet neither of us see it in ourselves!

My doc is aware of my depression and I have had anti-depressants and counselling. The ad's were good but once off them the symptoms reappear so I don't think they are the solution. I think there is a place for meds don't get me wrong but in my experience they just cover up the problem. The counselling was ok, didn't click, she was telling basics that I kind of know. It was nice to talk to someone independent but I think I need someone better qualified.

You can't control other people, just your own reaction to other people. I suppose I expect others to act like me, I'm very sensitive to other people and am careful about what I say but very few others seem to be the same back. One day I'll learn that most people don't really care about others feelings. We live in a selfish world and I need to remember that.

 

[SparklyButton]

You aren't a horrible person at all!! What you are feeling sounds completely natural.

Are you comfortable with telling any of your friends how you feel at all? You may find that they feel the same as you in some ways, even the people who seem to have everything are jealous as well! (Sometimes even more so, which is why they feel the need to talk about how good their lives are!)

Do you have any hobbies at all? If not maybe you should think of starting something...nothing big but just baking or sewing or something that you're interested in which would take your mind off things as well as give you something to talk about to everyone.

Hope you are ok

Thanks so much, I thought I would be very on my own here tbh.

I haven't told anyone other than my bf how I feel because I would hate to put any negative feelings onto my friends / colleague. I know that sounds daft but I have this thing that if you say how lucky they are bla bla bla then something bad might happen to them and I'd feel really responsible. Daft I know. I'm proud of my mates for what they've achieved and don't want them to know how jealous I am.

No hobbies really, I do need something, want to learn a Italian but I never get round to it. I did go to an adult ballet class last week which I enjoyed.

Do you know the more I talk about myself the more I realise how depressed I still am. I'm not as bad as I have been but there is still a big cloud over me a lot of the time.

I don't try anything new because I'm scared of failing, can't afford it, too tired etc. I'm 31 and I've been just getting by each for a good 4 years now. Life is seriously passing me by.

I haven't gone in to work today because of my jealously towards my colleague. Ridiculous.

I am loads better on the whole but I'm no where near where I should be.

The old me was out twice a week in the pub, loved shopping and getting dressed up, was quite outrageous at times, kind, happy. God I would love to be that person again.

You are definitely not on your own here

Everyone has their down days, but sounds like it is most days for you have you been to see your doctor? You may think there's nothing they could do or that they'll just prescribe you pills and send you away but they could actually really help you!

I know that when I'm having a down day all I want to do is sit inside in my pj's and watch tv, but it really helps if I make the effort to shower, put on some make up and get out the house (even if it's just a walk around the block!) It really can just clear your mind a bit and make everything feel a bit better

 

[Imaleh]

You're not a horrible person; you're self-conscious and have other peoples' fortune rubbed in your face. That IS frustrating. But it doesn't have to define you. Happens to the best of us.


If your friends love you, they love you for YOU, not for your performance, your money, your career, your looks, or things like that. If they don't, they're not worth it. YOU, in rags, with a lump on your nose, fat, broke and smelly, will still be loved by true friends.
If you have attracted false friends or simple admirers (thinking you're a great artist doesn't mean they think you're a great person, for example), then I know letting them go is scary because a false friend seems better than none, but you deserve better and you will find if you give it a chance.

Colleagues? Meh, so what. As long as you earn enough for YOU, what's it matter how much they make? Tell you a secret? In college I was the richest kid, but I wasn't the happiest. Rich people tend to attract mooches and make people with less feel self-conscious while they'd love to befriend them.

Just make an effort to achieve what YOU want, not what others have. I used to want a lot of things others had, but instead I've turned out me, and me has problems and isn't the happiest person, but me is still great for what me is and has. I have a lot to build on, a lot of qualities, and so do you, as everyone else. Just put those qualities into action. Find inspiration in music, by going to a crowded place and watching people, whatever. You'll find you're not too shabby

You are you, you can never be anyone but you. But you can be the best you there is, and put your you out there, because whatever you are, you are unique and a contribution as-is. If you were like others, what'd that do to your worth? Being a slice of the same pizza as 7 others, makes you half as interesting as if you were the olives on the side.