Im bitter, i need to "get over it" and i'm ruining our relationship...

[moomoo]

This is what my OH said to me last night. He said that he's fed up of me being so bitter. But i really really cant help how i feel

At the moment about 20 people we know are all expecting, and every time it happens for someone else it feels like a kick in the stomach, and despite me being happy for them, how can i truly be happy when i'm so unhappy myself.

He says i need to start getting over it, but i dont think i will ever "get over it" he says that i'm ruining our relationship because of my bitterness.

Am i right to be still feeling this way? Its been 4 months and i'm now on my 5th cycle ttc since it happened. He seems to think that i shouldnt be still feeling so bad now, but i still think about it every day. Especially when i have it shoved in my face at work (i sit opposite a preg women)

I feel as though i dont know where to turn at the moment, how can i get my oh to be more supportive?

xx

 

[gnomette]

you cant at the end of the day all you can do is just explain to him how you feel and that you are both different and that you need to deal with things differently! then its down to him to try and understand even if he doesnt then thats ok just tell him you need to be more supportive!

 

[JemmaD]

Oh sweetie i know just how your feeling the only way i got over being bitter is by getting my BFP but i found out yesterday ive lost that one aswell, you really need to sit your OH down and have a good talk to him about it they really dont get it im felling the same with mine, with my 1st m/c he went out and left me by myself when i was passing clots and this time hes gone into work today and left me by myself even tho the boss told him he could stay off, you said about all the people you know that are pregs its the same as me all the people i can talk to have kids or are pregs. Pm me any time, keep your chin up hun it will get better you just need time xxxxxxx

 

[ellie]

i really don't know how men work sometimes ....i guess they deal with it differently and in their own way... I know exactly how you feel and I try not to show my oh how bitter i feel every time i hear about someone else's pg as he knows and he doesn't need to hear it - i tend to slink away and have some time on my own until i feel able to get on with things, although i know not everyone prefers to deal with things like that. i have been really clear with my oh that the feelings probably won't go away until we have a baby of our own and that won't change, although he sort of tries to understand he really doesn't get it as others have said, they just don't feel any of it in the same way, or in a way that is even on the same planet as us i reckon!
also this forum has been a great source of support and a place to vent those feelings. take care and good luck with talking to him!

 

[katb]

Oh sweetie, men can be so insensitive at times. My DH is lovely and kind in every way but when I had my m/c he just sort of said oh ok hugged me and expected me to be fine the next day!
Same as Jemma, I only got over my m/c by getting a BFP but then I may have lost this one too which weirdly has been easier to deal with in a sad way as I expected it more.
Pregnancy is such a physical and emotional rollercoaster for us women and your Dh didn't have to go through all the physical trauma of m/c. I think for men pregnancy doesn't seem real anyway until you get a bump and they see a scan so a loss isn't as real for them.

I truly hope you get your BFP soon, it's hard seeing pregnant women I know, but a wise woman once said to me when I was pregnant and she was struggling with IVF that she tried to remember that she doesn't want anyone elses baby she wants HER OWN baby.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[leeanne]

I honestly don't think men know what it's like.

With my very first pregnancy, I miscarried earlier on. I went in to tell OH I was miscarrying one morning and the next thing he said was "do you want to have sex?"

Honestly, many men don't bond with baby until after he/she is born. They don't realize the reality of a baby until that time.

Still, I know it feel horrid not having the emotional support from OH.

 

[x_Rainbow_x]

My husband told me 2 get over it.. i threw a book at him! im suprised u didnt clobber him one.. get over it.. who in there right mind uses that expression.. its been 7 months for me and im not over it.. ill never be over it same as u wont.. itl ease but it never goes away..
i will say that you have to stop the bitterness at some point.. it doesnt do any good. i nearly lost my husband over it. the way i look at it is people have every right to have a baby its not there fault they dont no our pain.

dont let the bitterness kill who you are.. coz youl wake up and realise you lost ya real self.
xxxxx

 

[princess_bump]

oh i am so sorry, i can't begin to understand what you must be going through i would talk more to your OH, he must understand how difficult it must be for you x

 

[samzi]

in a moment of anger last weekend my bf went ranting and said i am obsessed with this website etc. he doesnt seem to understand(well i hope he does now), that it doesnt matter if it was 'just a bunch of cells' - his words and that him and a few people close to me were/are worried about me when i put my msn status a few days after my mc as ' mummy to an angel'

they dont seem to understand that just because it wasnt fully formed, that it was still my baby

 

[bellazucca]

Oh moomoo I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I think we all feel a little bitter after we m/c and then find others all around us having a healthy 9 months. The bitterness and anger get less and less with time. It has been 10 months for me and I'm just now getting to the point where I'm a little bitter, but not near what I was last year. There is a lady I work with who is having a C-section on my birthday! Again, little bitter (none voiced), but I promised myself to be more positive this year so it is more of a, "happy birthday to me" kindof deal! The bitterness will ruin your relationship as Tracie 87 said. One positive thing to take from the situation is the fact that you know you can get pregnant. Many girls can't even get to that stage. Imagine the bitterness they may have. Knowing you can get pregnant should shed some light and hope in the future. You will never "get over" your lost one. Never. Time will make it easier to deal with, but I don't ever believe anyone gets over it. This has to be explained to OH. Their minds think differently. They are tough love types and don't understand we need consoling and sweet words to make us feel more at ease. I would say if you still have very strong feelings of bitterness you may want to talk to a professional about it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. What you went through was an emotional rollercoaster and in the end you end up feeling lost (and sometimes alone). Good luck to you hun. Know you have tons of support here when you need it

 

[Omi]

Hi sweetheart,

im so sorry you feeling this way but i wanted to offer this.

As far as ever getting over it..well, you do, we all do in our own way. What worries me more than your oh is that you are still feeling very bitter and it makes me think maybe you should talk through it with someone who can help? Out oh's are not always the best as they dont carry the baby and its difficult for them to understand the emotions a mc can stir up and indeed leave in us.

i am not for a second implying that something is wrong, i am just concerned as you dont seem happy and you deserve to be. You should be allowed to lay this to rest and be able to ttc with all them love that entails-after all, that is the hope isnt it, that we're creating a new life from the love of two people?

When i mc (ive had 2 mc's now, the last in dec) i was given lots of leaflets at the hospital, and although i have never contacted them myself, it seems that the Miscarriage Association can be a wonderful help. It could give you an understanding ear, someone who knows what you have and are going through and also give your oh some space.

Here's the link https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/support/help.htm

Also wanted to add i do not condone cruel behaviour by oh's or family but should you feel (apart from us that is) that you need to get support, help and advice i think that is the place to go.

Hope you feel better soon, and all the best, Chicken.

Hugs, Omi xxx

 

[angelstardust]

This is not the same, but relavent anyway.

After DS2 was born I had Post Traumatic Stress because of the circumstances fo his birth. DH said something along the same lines to me a few months after he was born. I eventually went to counciling when I broke down a year after it happened.

They told me that men work differently. In cave men times, men had to hunt. If they were attacked by a huge bear, they still had to go out the next day to hunt, so are programmed to deal with situations differntly. They are able to just say 'that was yesterday and this is today'. They had to forget about the bear so they could go hunt.

Women however, were left by the camp fire to care for the family. If a bear attacked the camp women had to be able to plan and think if it happened once it could happen again, so lets move to somewhere safe. Because of that women analyse situations and predict possible outcomes 'bear knows we here, bear come again'. Women are not programmed to just get over things, we need time to come to terms with it, to make plans on how to avoid it next time and with m/c it's fair to assume that as there is usually no reason it makes that process that much more drawn out and harder.

Anyway, I hope this helps you to understand both your responce and your OH responce to what happened. It would be a good idea to talk to someone about what happened, the more you talk about it, or write about it, the better you will be able to deal with what has happened.

Best of luck,

 

[colsy]

Moomoo, I'm not quite sure what to say in answer to your post, but I did at least want to send you a I think that, just as different girls deal with their m/c differently, so blokes deal with it differently from girls. Yes, I think that was a pretty harsh thing to say to you, but he probably didn't mean it in quite the way it came out. He is probably desperate to have you back as you used to be. I know you'll never be quite the same girl you were (gosh, any of us on here who've m/c will be able to explain that feeling), but I guess he's missing the person you were and he didn't know how else to get his point across.

That's my guess, anyway. Of course I may be totally wrong, but I just thought I'd try to give you another way of looking at things.

I agree with everyone else though - the most important thing you can do right now is talk and talk and talk. I know you don't do alcohol much these days, but seriously, maybe going out for a nice meal (but not somewhere so posh that you're concentrating on the food the whole time!) and a bottle of vino might be a way to at least get the conversation rolling.

Good luck sweetie. xx

 

[holly81]

Oh MooMoo, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Everyone copes differently, shock, grief, mourning, loss are all very powerful emotions. I'd go with Omi's suggestion of talking to a professional if you're really struggling, maybe you could even take OH with you? I really feel for you and can empathise feeling bitter over other people's luck.

Alternatively maybe you and OH could try getting away together for a few days? My OH is taking me away this wkend at his mum's suggestion as that was how she and her husband worked past a still birth, and I think it's a really nice idea. At home all kinds of stresses get in the way but if you go away you can really reconnect and have quality time to talk things through. Men are a different species and it takes a lot for them to even nearly understand where we're coming from!

You're in my thoughts and I hope you start to feel a little better soon xx

 

[AP]

yup, I believe you should have belted him. Been there, done it, and made him cry!!!!!!

 

[bklove]

yup, I believe you should have belted him. Been there, done it, and made him cry!!!!!!

lol, there is always great advice on here, so take it! Be good to yourself and in the process everyone else will figure out how to be good to you. I'm 3 m/c's in now, my doctor called me a habitual aborter doesn't that sound great? And my hubby is on the it will happen when it happens speech- None of the above was comforting. But it honestly does get easier with time, and helping yourself to recover only prepares you better for the battle ahead of ttc. Like in the caveman story but we have to be clear headed to move aheaded.

 

[Widger]

I'm really sorry your OH is saying what he is. No matter how lovely any OH can be, they just don't know what to say/do that makes it feel any better - even when they aren't making you feel even worse than you already do. I think you've had great advice from everyone before me and remember that you always have everyone here to help you.

I think it is natural to not want to spend time with all your pregnant friends around you. I just don't want it rammed down my throat at the moment.

Hope you feel better soon and don't feel bad for having an off few days/weeks or so. It happens to lots of us.

 

[honeybunch2k7]

Moomoo, I'm sorry he said that. I've had similar issues with my partner. He may be feeling the pain,too,but keeping it inside. Also, I think some guys and people in general belive the best way to deal with extreme negative emotions is to pretend like they arent there. My partner and I came to the agreement that I would be feeling the hurt more because the baby was inside me and he didn't see the babys untrasounds until months later. He once admitted he traumatized, but I had to back him into a corner.

How you're feeling is perfectly acceptable, and working with preggy women must be even more devastating.

I really wish I knew what to tell you.

 

[AP]

In all seriousness , he only cried because I forced the truth out-he was bottling it all up it's most likely the same in your case Hun xxx

Ps. I'm not a mad woman!

 

[DaisyDuke]

Oh hun i'm so sorry i know exactly what u mean, our marriage has now turned rocky If u want to talk please pm me