I'm new... WTT after miscarriage but not by choice..

[Shalty]

Hi,

I'm new here. I'm about to turn 29, I found out I silently miscarried my first (planned) pregnancy about 8 weeks ago, I had a D&C the following week. This has been th most devastating thing I've ever been through. Like many of you, I have wanted to be Mum for so long. I've had the all clear to TTC again after two cycles and am physically feeling back to normal.

The problem is my partner (30, who already has two children from a previous relationship) has now said he wants to "wait before we get pregnant again, to enjoy each other more before I get pregnant again as he has only just got 'me' back". I understand he doesn't have the urge that I do to me parent (maybe because he already has this) and I respect what he is saying.

The thing is, I cannot stop obsessing about getting pregnant, even more then before I was. The biological urge is just so strong. I want to just enjoy life and enjoy him but I think about this constantly. I've never wanted something so much.

It's my Birthday and Mother's Day (in NZ) in the next few weeks and I'm simply dreading it.

Sorry for my rant but i wondered if anyone else is/has been in this boat and if anyone had any suggestions on how to stop obsessing and when/how to bring this up with him again one day. As I really would like a rough time frame so I have something to look forward to.

Thanks in advance x

 

[MindUtopia]

I would say perhaps just keep talking with him about it and finding out what he means about getting 'you' back. It could be he's struggling himself, either with the loss or supporting you through it and he's just afraid of going through it again, which a new pregnancy always raises the possibility of.

I'm in a similar, though slightly different situation (as I'm not really WTT, more just waiting to ovulate). I found out I'd had a missed miscarriage about 6 weeks ago. I'd wanted to have it naturally and we waited, but it didn't happen on it's own, so I had the d&c two weeks ago. I found it really, really difficult those first 5 weeks or so (4 weeks of waiting and then the week after the d&c), though I'm feeling much better this week. I think it takes time and though it will never not be painful, it does get better. But I realise it's made a bit easier because I have an older daughter already who's 4, so I've been forced a bit to just get back to normal for her sake, which has actually been really good for me. I know it would probably be much more difficult if not for that.

We are dealing more with the unknown right now, like the unknown of when I'll get my period again and when my cycles will be back to normal. My husband generally feels it's my choice since I'm the one who has to recover from it and when I'm ready, he's ready, so we'll try again my first normal cycle (whenever I ovulate after getting a period again, probably sometime in May). I think though if he felt like I was really struggling, he might want to wait a bit longer, but we are also under a bit of pressure in terms of my work as next year is a good time for me to take maternity leave (and for us financially), so for that reason alone neither of us wants to wait. We don't want to add financial stress on top of everything else, which we would if we waited too long.

Have you talked to him about why he's feeling the way he is? And maybe what he needs to be ready to try again? Could you two take some time away alone to re-connect? Are there things you think he feels like you need to do together before you're ready to go down that road again? Early pregnancy is really rough (I feel like it's the harder part) and going through a miscarriage is even harder, and I think it's normal to want a bit of a break before jumping into it again. I know for me, I didn't want to even think about trying straight away. There are plenty of people who get pregnant again right after a loss without ever getting a period. I really needed at least a month before I thought about TTC again and then of course there is no guarantee it will happen straight away. And in this month or two, I'm making the most of it. We're having some date nights, we're traveling (planned before the mc, but it's extra special now), we're just making sure we spend time together and make the most of it before we think about what's next. Do you think that would help? I don't know, I guess I would just ask him what it is he needs to get from waiting and see if you can make that happen now so he feels more ready. Ultimately though, if anyone needs time to recover, it's you as it was your body and as he genuinely does want children with you and your pregnancy was planned, I think it seems realistic to expect him to be open to setting a date, while at the same time respecting he's probably doing his own healing too.

 

[karoolia]

Hi Shalty,

I could have almost written your post. I will turn 29 next month and last Friday I had a D&C. We went in for my first scan at 10 weeks and found out the baby stopped growing at 8. It was certainly devastating.

We are planning to jump back into TTC as soon as my OB says I am healed enough. He told us to wait four weeks, but I have an appointment next Monday and am hoping he will cut it down. Like MindUtopia we have some timing reasons why sooner is better. In July 2018 we will very likely be making a big cross country move so having a baby at least a few months before that happens is our goal.

That said, I can relate to some of what you said. We both feel a little nervous about trying again. We don't want to go through another miscarriage, but we have talked about it a lot and both feel ready regardless of what may come. I think that is key. My body is screaming to get pregnant, but I had to make sure I was emotionally ready as well.

We also have a trip planned for next weekend. It was planned before the miscarriage, but we are also planning to use it as a chance to re-group. We are really looking forward to it.

My suggestion would be to talk to your partner and try to figure out what he is thinking and feeling. He might be grieving or maybe it just pains him to see you grieve. My mother had a couple of miscarriages before I was born. My father had children from a previous relationship already. He told my mother the hardest part for him was seeing her suffer. Yes, he was excited to have children with her, but he also already had children so it wasn't the same for him. What really challenged him was feeling like he was part of something that brought her such pain and grief. That said, he was happy to keep trying since he knew how much it meant to her. I think they had a lot of deep conversations to get to that point though.

I don't know if I was any help, but I hope you know you aren't alone. This is a tough thing you are going through. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Good luck!