Is it normal to feel this low after a chemical pregnancy?

[Trying4first1]

Hi everyone

I have been married now for 8 months me and my husband been trying for our first baby for 6 months now with no luck. We were very lucky to get a BFP very quickly after just 4 months. However that was very short lived as I had a very early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) at 5wk 1d. It's strange as I just knew it wasn't meant to be as my test was very faint and the line never got any darker.
We started to try again straight away and I have not long had my period. I took this pretty hard and it has been making me feel very down. I have started to find talking about pregnancy/babies very difficult since the CP/MC. It's very hard as my best friend is expecting and my sister has just had a beautiful baby boy. I am very happy for them both but it just makes me feel sad for myself.
I know that 6 months isn't very long at all and some ladies have been trying for alot longer. I just want to know if any other ladies have experienced these feelings and whether they are normal. X

 

[hope2bmother]

Aw Trying4first1, please don't undermine your loss or question whether it is normal. It doesn't matter at what point in the pregnancy the loss occurred, the point is that you and your DH have experienced a loss. It doesn't have to be some terribly traumatic, bloody, physically painful event at all for it to weigh heavily on your heart. And especially if you had been trying for a baby for quite some time! I write this a lot in my posts, but allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. Talk about it with your DH. Write about it. Let it out. Have several good cries if that's how you're feeling. Sure, it wasn't your fully developed baby, but when you got that faint positive line, you became a mother and you always will be to that potential child. You will ALWAYS remember the day you got that '+' result and you will carry it in your heart and mind and soul forever. It will get easier, but there will be many, many, many times when you will think about that baby that you never birthed. And that is all okay! When these moments do occur, allow yourself to feel the sadness, to have a moment to yourself where you remember that baby with love. Do not beat yourself up and do not let what others say about "chemical" pregnancies get to you (though this is easier said than done). No matter what, women who have been through this will tell you that they feel saddened by it. And I would say that when you have been planning for a baby and this happens, there is even an extra degree of sadness. You are that baby's mother. You always will be. Do what you need to do. Don't let anyone try to influence your feelings or minimize your pain. Your loss is REAL. Your pain is REAL. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself as much time as you need to grieve. Everyone is different and there is never any right or wrong way to feel. Take care of your emotions. This is how we heal and eventually move forward (while never forgetting our little ones). Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I hope that you and your DH get your rainbow baby soon. Hugs.

 

[hope2bmother]

Also, you will feel a whole range of emotions when dealing with MC… I really don't like the word "chemical" pregnancy, b/c it implies the pregnancy wasn't real, which it was, IMO. After an MC, it is hard to feel happy for those announcing their pregnancies. I recently experienced a MC at 9w2d and have felt so bitter towards people I care about announcing their pregnancies and births on FB. And this feeling of bitterness is so contradictory to my typical loving, patient, compassionate self. I try to remind myself that I usually do not know what other women have been through to get pregnant, but I still acknowledge that what I'm feeling is perfectly normal for someone who has been through a horrendous loss. (I'll never forget the anger/resentment/frustration/sadness/etc that I felt standing in line for the restroom right in front of a woman that was ~7 months pregnant as I was miscarrying… I almost felt hatred!). Remember, you're going to feel some feelings that will seem irrational, but they are, in fact, completely natural and normal for one to feel after a loss. Again, let yourself feel them. When I feel these, I talk to my DH and I hope you will be able to do this too, or find some other way of expressing them! But let them out in some way! I find being around babies therapeutic now, but I cannot stand seeing pregnant women (and they are everywhere!) Drives me insane. It feels so unfair.

6 months is a long time. Sure, it's not as long as some people try, but it's a lot longer than other people try. And if it seems like an eternity to you, then it is an eternity to you! Please don't compare yourself and this experience with others. It is unique to you and your feelings are what they are. You will make it through this, but it's not going to be easy. Just let yourself feel how you feel. It is an awful experience to have.

 

[Trying4first1]

Thank you hope2bmother for your reply. I agree with you about not liking the term 'chemical pregnancy'. It makes it sound like it wasn't real in fact it was very real for the little time that I knew, especially as I started to get some symptoms. when they stopped so suddenly it was so horrible as it was like a cruel joke that my body had played on me.
I feel that I never really grieved for the loss due to my busy work schedule, which is why I think I am feeling very down about it all now. The arrival of AF also did not help although I was half expecting her to show her face as I think I had an anovulatory cycle last month. Me and DH dont talk about it too often or not as often as we should. I think we both try to stay strong for each other. It makes me feel so sad that I know that deep down he is prob hurting too. It has definitely put a downer on things but I know that we will be ok and we just need to have time to heal.
I know exactly what you mean about pregnant women. I am finding them harder to cope with than those with babies. I'm fine ding it very hard to speak to my pregnant friend, however I can spend hours with my sisters newborn baby? I just don't get it. I am really hoping that things will get easier on that front very soon as I feel like an awful friend and I want to be there for her. I just feel that I need to lay off the pregnancy talk for a while.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can imagine how awful that felt for you and what you must be feeling. Must be so heartbreaking loosing a little one after knowing for some weeks that you are expecting. As you said to me you will always be a mother to that tiny little life and he/she will always be your first baby. I really hope that you and DH get your beautiful rainbow baby very soon .
Once we are lucky enough to have our babies I think that we will really appreciate him/her more than ever. The wait will be worth it!

 

[Trying4first1]

Ps I know what you mean about pregnant women being everywhere! It's funny how we notice them when Ttc.

 

[hope2bmother]

Thank you hope2bmother for your reply. I agree with you about not liking the term 'chemical pregnancy'. It makes it sound like it wasn't real in fact it was very real for the little time that I knew, especially as I started to get some symptoms. when they stopped so suddenly it was so horrible as it was like a cruel joke that my body had played on me.
I feel that I never really grieved for the loss due to my busy work schedule, which is why I think I am feeling very down about it all now. The arrival of AF also did not help although I was half expecting her to show her face as I think I had an anovulatory cycle last month. Me and DH dont talk about it too often or not as often as we should. I think we both try to stay strong for each other. It makes me feel so sad that I know that deep down he is prob hurting too. It has definitely put a downer on things but I know that we will be ok and we just need to have time to heal.
I know exactly what you mean about pregnant women. I am finding them harder to cope with than those with babies. I'm fine ding it very hard to speak to my pregnant friend, however I can spend hours with my sisters newborn baby? I just don't get it. I am really hoping that things will get easier on that front very soon as I feel like an awful friend and I want to be there for her. I just feel that I need to lay off the pregnancy talk for a while.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can imagine how awful that felt for you and what you must be feeling. Must be so heartbreaking loosing a little one after knowing for some weeks that you are expecting. As you said to me you will always be a mother to that tiny little life and he/she will always be your first baby. I really hope that you and DH get your beautiful rainbow baby very soon .
Once we are lucky enough to have our babies I think that we will really appreciate him/her more than ever. The wait will be worth it!

Trying4first1, I am so grateful to read your words and see what you are thinking. I hope that you will be able to open up to your DH, if you think that will help. And you are absolutely correct that he is probably feeling some level of hurt deep down. After all, it takes two to make tango (make a baby) and it would be easy enough for either party to blame themselves, though I think women tend to blame themselves more b/c we are the ones that carry the babies for 9 months. If you think talking to him will help, then try it. Sometimes men cope differently and he may not want to talk about it with you, in which case you have us on babyandbump to turn to. If you'd like, there's an awesome group under TTC after a loss (Fireflies trying to conceive a rainbow baby after a loss), which I have found extremely therapeutic.

I think seeing pregnant women will become easier, but we will probably always wonder in the back of our heads if they were lucky enough to ONLY have healthy pregnancies or if they ever lost a LO. While on this, I went to high school with a girl who first miscarried and then got pregnant a second time, but had some horrible complications where basically she abrupted her placenta at 36 weeks from her uterus and had horrible contractions. She gave birth to a little boy who shortly thereafter passed away. She had to have a hysterectomy and will NEVER be able to have any more biological children of her own. When she posted her story about a year ago, I lost it. I CANNOT imagine her pain. But that does not mean that my loss, or your loss, should be minimized. We all were mothers and we have all experienced a loss. And you are ABSOLUTELY correct to say that when we get our rainbows, we will never ever take for granted those sleepless nights with a screaming baby b/c we know what it is to yearn for such a chance, to get a brief taste of it, and then be ripped from it and forced to say goodbye.

As far as pregnancy and all, do what you need. I had to unfollow a few people on FB who were constantly blowing up my news feed. If you can get baby time and feel better, then do that! Obviously, depending on how close you are with your pregnant friend, now may or may not be the time to say something like, "I want you to know that I am happy for you, but there is a part of me that is struggling b/c I recently had a loss". You never know how she will respond. A random acquaintance of mine (I went to college with her, but was never her close friend) on FB just announced her pregnancy (she's due in July, like I was) and in her announcement, she included a loving message to all her friends who had been struggling with miscarriages or infertility. (She had no idea of my miscarriage.) I PMd her to thank her for her consideration and told her my story b/c I've found talking about it really helps and I was touched our children would've been close in age. She responded and said that she and her DH had dealt with azospermia and decided to go with a sperm donor. And here I'd assumed she'd gotten pregnant by him with no problem! So while she had never had a miscarriage, she had experienced another kind of loss.

We are going to make it through this. I hope that we will keep in touch and I hope you and your DH are holding your rainbow baby soon as well!

 

[Trying4first1]

Hi hooe2bmother. Sorry it's been a few days. I have been keeping myself very busy. Had a few drinks on Sat evening (bad idea) but I think it helped to have a few drinks if I'm honest.
I have started to talk to DH more and it is helping, he doesn't talk about it as much as me but it's a start I think men do grieve in a different way to us women.
You must have felt terrible hearing of those stories it is very hard to imagine their pain and what they must be going through. Life really isn't fair, I feel for all women who have to go through such awful times. I pray that they all get their beautiful rainbow babies one day. Maybe we should all see pregnant women in a different way as we don't know their story, they may have struggled for years to conceive or even had a loss themselves.
I have spoken to my friend since and she has been very understanding. She herself had a loss a couple of years ago then took a while to conceive so she understands all I am feeling. She is very glad that I told her. Obv she still talks about her pregnancy but just not so much. Obviously I would never want her to stop as it such an exciting time and she went through so much. It's great to see her so happy.
Thank you for pointing me towards the other thread I will take a look and it would be great to stay in contact. I look forward to hearing about your news of your BFP (which will be your rainbow baby )

 

[hope2bmother]

Hi hooe2bmother. Sorry it's been a few days. I have been keeping myself very busy. Had a few drinks on Sat evening (bad idea) but I think it helped to have a few drinks if I'm honest.
I have started to talk to DH more and it is helping, he doesn't talk about it as much as me but it's a start I think men do grieve in a different way to us women.
You must have felt terrible hearing of those stories it is very hard to imagine their pain and what they must be going through. Life really isn't fair, I feel for all women who have to go through such awful times. I pray that they all get their beautiful rainbow babies one day. Maybe we should all see pregnant women in a different way as we don't know their story, they may have struggled for years to conceive or even had a loss themselves.
I have spoken to my friend since and she has been very understanding. She herself had a loss a couple of years ago then took a while to conceive so she understands all I am feeling. She is very glad that I told her. Obv she still talks about her pregnancy but just not so much. Obviously I would never want her to stop as it such an exciting time and she went through so much. It's great to see her so happy.
Thank you for pointing me towards the other thread I will take a look and it would be great to stay in contact. I look forward to hearing about your news of your BFP (which will be your rainbow baby )

I'm glad that you took some time to yourself and were able to talk with your DH. And about the drinks, don't worry about that! I totally know what it's like, and how helpful, a little "liquid courage" can be sometimes. Although it's a different scenario and perhaps more to numb the pain, after my MC, I drank entirely too much red wine that very evening. Since I hadn't had a single drink in over 40 days, the hangover was absolutely horrendous!

I am sure your DH is just grieving in a different way. Hopefully you two can keep talking about it and processing it together. Honestly, my DH hasn't really said much about how he's feeling re the MC, but he's been there for me every time I've had a melt down. And together we are looking forward to TTC again.

Pregnancy is tough, especially the first trimester. You never know that it's not all flowers and rainbows and excitement and you expect that the main challenges will be the morning or all day sickness, lower back pain, constipation, raging hormones, cravings or aversions. Sure, you're aware that MC exists, but it's not something you ever think will happen to you. Then you get pregnant and the fears you never knew existed rear their ugly heads. The first trimester is truly no fun! And I can imagine that we will have extra fears when we next fall pregnant after our losses. You are right, we should try to look at pregnant women a different way since we never know what their struggles have been.

Yes, I feel awful for the women I described, but they are strong. Stronger than I could ever imagine being! And things seem to be looking up for them. As for your friend, she can relate to you and I am glad that you were able to tell her about your loss. Learning that others you care for have been through the same thing brings you closer and lets you know that you are not alone. And she can for sure relate to how you are feeling about others who are currently pregnant. And another thing, her healthy pregnancy following a loss shows that it is possible! And it will happen for you, too!

Hope you'll consider joining the group. But no matter what, at least keep us posted here. I'm rooting for both of us and our DHs. Looking forward to hearing of your BFP as well!

 

[spiritbear]

Hi everyone

I have been married now for 8 months me and my husband been trying for our first baby for 6 months now with no luck. We were very lucky to get a BFP very quickly after just 4 months. However that was very short lived as I had a very early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) at 5wk 1d. It's strange as I just knew it wasn't meant to be as my test was very faint and the line never got any darker.
We started to try again straight away and I have not long had my period. I took this pretty hard and it has been making me feel very down. I have started to find talking about pregnancy/babies very difficult since the CP/MC. It's very hard as my best friend is expecting and my sister has just had a beautiful baby boy. I am very happy for them both but it just makes me feel sad for myself.
I know that 6 months isn't very long at all and some ladies have been trying for alot longer. I just want to know if any other ladies have experienced these feelings and whether they are normal. X

Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I can relate and yes, your feelings are completely normal and legitimate- what a difficult journey this can be
Sending you some good thoughts to move on with strength. There is light at the end of the tunnel for us

 

[Trying4first1]

Thank you again for your kind words hope2bmother. its funny how we resort to alcohol when the going gets tough, it numbs the pain but not for long and in the end it made me more emotional. I am staying away from the stuff for a while 😉
You are right, you don't feel like it is going to happen to you ever. I feel that now it has I will be very anxious next time and won't enjoy it as much until the end of the first trimester. It's kind if spoilt it if you know what I mean? However we will appreciate our bundles of joy so much more, knowing how truly lucky we are
I will pop over to the group and say hi. I love that there is so much support on here. I also like the fact that I can support others too

 

[Trying4first1]

Hi spiritbear
Thank you for your post. I am sorry that you can also relate to this I also wish you all the best of strength, it is such a hard time. We will get there one day
Was your chemical very recent?

 

[Trying4first1]

Hi spiritbear
Thank you for your post. I am sorry that you can also relate to this I also wish you all the best of strength, it is such a hard time. We will get there one day
Was your chemical very recent?

 

[spiritbear]

Thanks My first was the 2nd month of trying to conceive. the second was the 4th month of trying. It was/is HARD. Going into month 11 now with heavy hopes.

How are you doing now?

 

[Babylove100]

Hi Trying4first1, I'm so sorry you went through this, unfortunately I know exactly how you feel. Got my bfp on 13th Jan, for 6 days I was pregnant. Now I'm not. It's so sad and its a loss no matter what, in those days you mentally plan and look into the future then poof it's all gone. I really hope we get our rainbows soon. Hang in there and keep positive. xx

 

[wantingagirl]

I've had 3 losses, 1 at 4+1, another 5+6 and another 8+4 (nearly 2 weeks ago) they all hit me hard Hun

 

[Trying4first1]

Hi Spiritbear. How awful for you twice must be very hard to cope with. I can imagine that once you approach the year mark that hopes do become very heavy. I am only in my 6th month (will be in the tww tomorrow), but already i just feel so drained by it all to be honest. Me and DH haven't dtd much at all, only twice this fertile period, we are trying to be more relaxed for a while to see if that helps.
Im am feeling ok at the moment, just a bit anxious I would say. How are you coping with things? ::

 

[Trying4first1]

Hi Babylove100

Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You are right, it is hard no matter how long you knew for. I only knew for 2/3 days. I didn't test until my period was five days late. Two days later I started spotting, then the next day, that was it, it was over. It was horrible as its like someone was paying a very cruel trick on me. I know I didn't know for long, but the feeling of having a life inside of me felt very real.
How have you been coping?
Hope we both get our and rainbow baby very soon xx

 

[Trying4first1]

Hi wantingagirl.

Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry to hear that you have had 3 losses, must be so hard for you. I really hope that you get your really soon. I see that you have been blessed with children before I am sure that they will have a beautiful brother or sister very soon

 

[Babylove100]

Hi Babylove100

Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You are right, it is hard no matter how long you knew for. I only knew for 2/3 days. I didn't test until my period was five days late. Two days later I started spotting, then the next day, that was it, it was over. It was horrible as its like someone was paying a very cruel trick on me. I know I didn't know for long, but the feeling of having a life inside of me felt very real.
How have you been coping?
Hope we both get our and rainbow baby very soon xx

It most definitely is the cruelest trick. I'm okay, just have a sadness about me at the moment. You have to stay positive though and our time will come.

I just feel a bit cheated and annoyed that the next time I hopefully get a bfp I'll always have this experience at the back of my mind.

Keep hanging in there and if you ever want to chat you can pm me anytime xx

 

[Trying4first1]

I know exactly where you are coming from. My AF that came a month after the MC hit me very hard as it bought back memories, but I am hoping that if the shows her face this month it will be slightly easier?
It will always be on the back of our minds I'm sure. I don't know about you, but I feel that it has made me more nervous about the whole thing. When i get a again I won't feel as relaxed knowing what has happened.
Anyway, we need to try our best to think positive Early MC are very common and occur in 50-60 percent of first pregnancies (i never know this). We are not alone and so many women go on to have their beautiful rainbow baby
Thank you and you. Wishing lots of baby dust your way xx