Is it worse when someone shows pity for you?

[daneuse27]

Im managing pretty well being a single mom; there have been hard days where Ive resented FOB for living so far away. But in general - I've got a great baby, great friends, great family and I'm generally happy with where my life is going.

On other sections of this site, Ivve seen comments from regular parents to single parents saying things like "I feel worse for you because you're a single mom" or "I dont know how you do it single, I wouldn't be able to handle it" etc.

How does it make you feel when you see comments like these, or when people show pity for you in general? Personally I hate it. Pointing out how I'm suffering worse than someone else doesn't help.

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

It is a bit annoying. My life is perfectly happy although it has its moments! I know people mean well but I do get fed up of those type comments.
I don't need people's pity. I am willing to bet I am happier overall than some of my friends who are in relationships, particularly unsatisfactory ones.

 

[ravenmel]

My happily married neighbors with one child get on my nerves. I hate bumping in to them in the hallways coz they always start with the poor you, how are you coping, I don't know how you do and they pepper me with questions about my ex as they don't see him anymore : oh does he see the baby etc I just want to tell them to piss off, I'm fine.
I know they hear me telling my daughter off, she's 2 and climbs and jumps on stuff so I'm normally telling her to "get down" so coz they hear that they probably assume I'm not coping and my other is LO is 6 months and teething lol.
Honestly I'm so happy, I have plans for this year, saving for my car and feel good about myself and my kids. My friends in couples call me complaining about their relationships or it's couples warring with each other on facebook, I'm so happy I'm not in a crappy relationship.

 

[moomin_troll]

It pisses me right off! Haha being a mum is hard work, makes no difference if ur single or not. And btw we are just mums...we don't need to be called single mums all the bloomin time lol
Sorry for that small explosion haha
I get the putty twice as bad for the reason I'm a single parent tho :/ so maybe that's why it drives me nuts

 

[daneuse27]

I agree moomin troll! Being single or not is not always what determines how hard your job will be as a mom. I think number of kids, age of kids, and other life circumstances come into play too. In any other situation, it is RUDE to overtly show pity for someone who is less advantaged than you are. For example, if you replaced the words "poor" or "being in a wheelchair" with single mom, it would become rude to tell that person that you feel sorry for them because you don't feel they have it as good as you do in life. So why do people think its fine to point out our status as single moms and try to talk about how hard it must be? If we don't bring it up, then they should leave it.

I had a friend try to get me to talk about my single mom problems over lunch a few weeks back. She kept asking questions about how 'hard' my life is looking after LO by myself, and commenting on how bad it must be, and this was after shed given a speech about how great her new job is and how she's buying a house soon (shes single too, but no kids) Im not very close to this girl, but it was another one of those situations where I felt showered with pity when I didn't want it or ask for it.

I think we need some single mom empowerment here!

 

[moomin_troll]

For me being a military wife and a mother of 1 was far harder then doing it completely alone with 2.

The "I don't know how u do it" winds me up because well what else can I do? Should I give up because I don't have a man lol ur kids need u no matter what and if ur a good mother u will do anything u have to

 

[jaytee146]

I work with some ladies who have seen fob in action, they just so happen to be married and happly frolicing in the flower fields they always say I couldn't imagine having a full time job and coming home to NO ONE, NO HELP, NO NOTHING! I'd be stressed. I try to take it as a compliement and not get upset because they are pitying me. I've made great friends who are often listening ears and such

 

[KayBea]

i hate these comments.. how do you manage?

well i have no choice but to manage, i cant just lock LO in the basement.. yes its tough at times but omg she gives me so much love & happiness ide rather do it alone than have to deal with a man on his man blob as i had to for 15 months of LOs life. xx

 

[pinkie77]

I had a lot of that from well-meaning people when I first split up with my husband, my kids were 3, 5 and 7 at the time. I used to say it was a lot easier now I was only caring for 3 kids and not a fourth overgrown child too! Now I just smile and nod lol

 

[nolansmom]

This is a great Q - I say to married women "Do you have to make your husband a meal when you get home from work"... and "That must be a lot of work for you"... They are worse off than we are.

 

[Jennifurball]

I hate it, I always get comments on how they don't know how I cope and I get pitying looks. Well yeah it's damn hard I won't deny that, I am so run down I have been ill for weeks but it's easier than being with my ex, emotionally and financially.

 

[daneuse27]

I love your status Jennifurball, "proud single mummy." Its absolutely true! I'm proud that my daughter is just as healthy, happy and doing just as well as other kids that have 2 parents instead of 1. More empowerment and positive attitudes towards single moms is needed ! We rock!

 

[Dezireey]

When I became a single mother, I expected things to be soo hard because that is what society and 'people' seem to like saying to you. Frankly it is rubbish. like many things in life, the stronger a person you are, the better you cope. Personally, I have no time for women with wonderful husbands who have the nerve to say things to you like ' how do you do it? ' or ' you are so brave' etc etc. it is so condescending and patronising and these types of women should take heed. That ' wonderful' husband they have can one day, any day suddenly become a lying, cheating ******* and leave you for a younger woman, leaving YOU all alone to look after the kids. They just think that they are in a different league from us or that they are so lucky to not have their FOB leave them ( let's be honest, that's what they are really saying to us) and they don' t realise how easy it is for them to also be left high and dry holding the baby. Too much stigma and silly gossip is attached to the words ' single parent' . It is an outdated concept and we are just normal parents like anyone else, loving our children exactly the same and bringing them up with the same love and support. Children from a single parent family do not lack anything in life as long as they are loved and supported. it's a myth that you need a family unit in order to bring up a human effectively. If that was the case, more than half the population would be affected by it, and they are not.

 

[Dream.dream]

Ill agree with the at least we dont have to take care of a man and a baby, honestly how many dads you know who are really that much help at home? the only part i see as harder is the financial part of livning off one income,

and we done have to share our hugs and kisses either

 

[fairydust87]

Ive never had anyone ask me this and if I did I would say 'easily'. My son is a great baby its an easy job I enjoy it. I pity them for having to deal with a baby and a man. Ive just got me and son to think about-much easier lol