Is this discrimination? WWYD?

[DonnaBallona]

I attend a playgroup once a week with my youngest son who has various health issues. He is tube fed and completley nil by mouth.

We have been attending this playgroup since the first week it opened, and is the only one we go to as I can't get to any others during the week. each week we go, I make sure I remind them about Jude in case of any emergencies. if he puts something in his mouth HE WILL CHOKE. he has no swallow mechanism at all.

Today we turn up to the playgroup as usual, and the woman announces that they have decided to offer snack to the children. Now, immediatly I'm nervous, Jude is a nightmare when food is in the vicinity but I figured id just distract him with toys.

So an hour after we arrive, they start putting all they toys away?! then they put a mat on the floor and spread food over it for the children to help themselves.

this is now a nightmare situation.... I had nothing to distract Jude with, and if I put him on the floor, he could find a tiny peice of food and choke. this is a fairly serious situation for us. I had no choice but to leave. the woman who runs it said to me as I was leaving that 'She didn't want to discriminate' and 'not to feel like I HAD to leave' but I had no choice. I couldn't just sit there with him whilst they ate!

I don't want to stop going really, it's the only place we go during the week! but this could have serious consequences for my son. I feel like they could have thought it through a bit more. I'm now feeling even more isolated than before and I was really upset when we left.

What would you do in this situation?

 

[sparkle_1979]

I don't think its discrimination but I do think they could have have handled it better

 

[tallybee]

I agree, I wouldn't call it discrimination but they didn't think it through and handled it badly.

 

[DonnaBallona]

thanks for the replies ladies. I haven't said anything yet but it's really on my mind now. I'm unsure how to handle it!

 

[Eleanor ace]

that must have been so upsetting. I agree that it isn't discrimination, but it would have been good if they could have thought about including Jude- leaving an area of toys set up or getting him to help with choosing the books for story time or whatever they do after snack would be good.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I would go back and explain nicely just how you felt and if some toys could be left out. At our toddler group they sit at table!

 

[sue_88]

It's not discrimination as they are catering for others as well as your son.

However, I'd have a quiet word that if theyc an leave an area for toys for you & Jude.

Personally, I don't think any snack time should be on the floor, food is eaten at a table, it's just good manners. (And cleaner!)

 

[Boomerslady]

I don't think discrimination but I'd be fairly upset if I were you considering that they knew and have known for a while about your LO. If I was running a play group like that and wanted to offer snacks I'd have pulled you aside and discussed the best way to do it to ensure Jude isn't left out.

I dunno i just read that as if they said 'ohh you don't have to leave' as if that's what they'd hoped for? Iykwim. I dunno seems a bit odd to me really. If you were new and they weren't aware then it's a whole different thing, but they should cater to everyone's needs.

 

[smileyfaces]

No it isn't discrimination but they could have had a little more empathy with Judes situation and left some toys out for him. Did you not ask them to leave a few toys out instead of having to leave? Hope they can be more accommodating next time x

 

[Natasha2605]

I'd just approach then and explain. Maybe they just didn't realize and assumed that although your son cannot eat food he is okay to be around it. Ask them in future to leave some toys out.

Although eating snack off a floor in which the kids have played on, ran over, drooled etc. Yuk.

 

[Pearls18]

Not discrimination, one group I go to does this, it encourages the children to tidy up after themselves and they get excited for the snack which they sit down together properly.

I'm very sorry for how difficult that must have been, must be so frightening to have to worry about your child choking, I would ask if you could leave a little corner with toys for your son to play with while they eat, or if it's like the group I go to which is the snack right at the end I would just duck out a bit early, not ideal I know but might make things a little easier for you, snacks are common in baby groups I find

 

[Noodlebear]

I'd just make it clear that next time there needs to be toys available to him as it's not fair for your LO to watch everyone else eat. Did you say anything when they were putting the toys away? Or ask for some to be brought out again so that your child had something to do? They probably didn't even realise, especially if you didn't say anything.

 

[Rachel_C]

I read this yesterday and initially I thought the same as everybody else - that it's not nice but it's not discrimination. It kept popping back into my head though and I've changed my mind.

You've been taking your son to this group for a while - it's a playgroup that has until now been a safe place for you to go. You've explained LO's needs to them clearly.

Suddenly, for no reason they have explained and with no warning, they've decided to introduce snacks that aren't a necessary part of the group and have never been given before and they've made it a big part of what they offer. It's not like they put some snacks on a table at the side and said 'help yourselves', they've actively told all the children to sit down and eat, knowing full well that your child not only can't participate but that it makes the group a dangerous place for him to be. Although they may have said you didn't need to go (sounds half-hearted to me!), what other option did you have if you wanted to keep your child safe? It's not like you've taken your child to a lunch club and are now complaining about there being food - you've been taking your child to a no-food place for ages and suddenly they've changed the rules, giving you only one real option - to leave. I say that's discrimination, given that there is absolutely no need for them to have made the changes.

I would explain this to them - ask them if they considered health and safety, knowing that your son can't be around even crumbs of food. Ask them what they suggest you do with your child while they insist that all other children sit and eat. Ask them why they've made the change in the first place, knowing that it would not be something all children could take part in. I hope they see sense and do the right thing.

 

[Boomerslady]

My post was trying to say what Rachel did. I think seeing as they were fully aware of your sons needs they should've discussed it first. If they want to introduce snacks they have every right too, but they should also have discussed with you a safe way to do it. I hope you can have a chat with them and resolve it.

 

[kit10grl]

Also if you were going to continue going they should be making 'reasonable adjustments' to accomodate your sons special needs. If they refuse to let your child continue playing with a few toys while the others eat then that would be discrimination. They have to accomodate everyone and if your son cant participate then they have to provide a reasonable alternative

 

[Abz1982]

I have to admit that I do not understand why there is the need for snacks at play groups!! I tool DS to one and they played for 45 mins, then had snack as the mums had tea (I think this is why they have a snack - so the kids are 'contained') then they played for like another 10 mins but the toys then got tidied away - it got a bit manic.
It started at 10:30...so snack was near 12. Why not just not do anything and if folk want to give their kids a lunch they can?! There was SO much wasted food .

I do think it is very unfair, they should have talked to you at the very least. They had to have been discussing it amongst themselves, or someone has suggested it.

 

[DonnaBallona]

thanks for all the replies ladies; they have made for interesting reading. I tried to talk to my health visitor about it, who suggested I write to them explaining my worries. I have decided though to turn up at the playgroup a bit earlier the first week its back after half term and go in when nobody else is there and really let them know how serious Jude's condition is; and how difficult them introducing food has made it for us.

Re the toys; I did voice a bit of concern when they were putting the toys away, but I didn't feel like they completley understood - and I kind of wanted to see if they would work it out by themselves? I already have to keep him away from all messy play type activities, they regularly do food play (putting pasta on the floor to explore), shaving foam, craft things like stickers which I try to steer my son away from. the long and short of it is, Jude WILL choke if he gets even water in his mouth; and I'm doing my best to not make a massive fuss about other activities for 'normal' children at the group..... and then they go and do that!

I can't even just duck out a bit early like I had to this week, as they are offering the snack before singing.... so he is now missing that too. they suggested I wait outside the door until they had finished eating- but that's not very fair on my son, stood outside the door!

I don't like to make a fuss, and I don't particularly want to tell the whole group my sons life history (I get tired of explaining the story to all and sundry) but things are isolating enough now without this too.

again, thanks for all replies, it was great to get a different viewpoint. x

 

[Rachel_C]

I think you can rightly compare it to a physical disability or and genuine special requirement if they don't understand it when you talk to them. If a child was in a wheelchair and they suddenly decided that half way through they would put all the other toys away and ask every child to jump on a trampoline, or if he was Muslim and they decided that everybody should sit down and eat a sausage roll with no alternative provided, it would be discrimination, quite clearly. Your son's issue may be unusual and perhaps that has thrown them but it still doesn't mean they can go ahead and ignore his needs and his right to participate.

 

[kit10grl]

i agree with above. A playgroup we go to recently started insisting that the kids all have snack together where previously the children were allowed to eat when they wanted throughout the group. They have said its to replicate the nursery situaiton which is fair enough but DD has always had issues with food and eats little and often when she wants to eat so i explained to them that it was part of her condition to have food issues and that i wouldnt ever tell her she had to wait to eat or that she must eat when others were if she didnt want to as it would just add more stress to the situation, They have been fine about it and while they dont bring food out till 'snack time' i always have milk or a snack with us for DD and they have no issues with her eating that when she wants it. Hidden disabilities are just as valid as obvious ones

 

[morri]

I think it is quite outrageous. My dd has a egg and milk allergy, if they put away all toys and decided to have pancakes and cream or similar on an easy accessible place as only option to do I would be outraged too.