Ivf/ work/ identity..... some thoughts

[Dreamer25]

Hi ladies,

I'm 26 years old, and DH and myself have been ttc 2.5 years. Fairly early on DH was diagnosed with severe sperm issues which means that icsi is the only option. We are currently on an NHS waiting list and start treatment in Jan/ Feb 2013.

To cut a long story short, I have just given up my busy, fairly stressful full-time job in London to concentrate on preparing for ivf, physically and mentally. I also have polycystic ovaries and would like to lose a bit of weight, get healthy, get my head straight, and also (lets be honest) have a bit of me-time at what is a very anxious and stressful time.

However..... being in your twenties, without a job and no children is an unusual and isolating place to be! It seems that many people who can conceive easily go through a fairly smooth transition from working to maternity leave to parenthood - a transition which is acceptable to society at large. But what if life is a little less straightforward and a bit more messy and complicated? I'm not sure that society easily accepts and comes to terms with situations that are outside of the 'norm' - even though these situations are of course much more normal than many would realise.

Was just wondering if anyone has had similar thoughts, or find themselves in a similar situation......

 

[Myshelsong]

Hello Darling.

I say F* the norm! Who cares what people think. I the best thing for you to do is just what you are doing. Take some time and learn to relax again. Trying to get pregnant and learning that it is not going to be as easy as everyone else is a blow to your self confidence, and really does raise havoc to your identity. We have been trying for about 1.5 years and are now going for fertility testing and it has all but destroyed me.

If you are in the financial position that you do not need to work and can take the time to get yourself ready I say do it. We are pushed and prodded into what society tells us we have to be to be a functioning female. It wasn’t that long ago if you did work you were ostracized. Let's be honest, society no longer accepts the “stay at home wife” as the standard female figure so you will get some nay-sayers - but honestly is it because they are judging you or because they want to be you?

Yes you are young, and you are staying at home but hold your head up high and enjoy the time you have to yourself. I would suggest get back into things that you love to do and do it for no other reason than you love it. I love art so I started taking pottery classes just because they are fun and it is good to create something beautiful … or lopsided.

You are not alone

 

[Princess Lou]

Hi.

My hubby and I started TTC in July 2008. We got married in November 2008 and as of the last week in October I was to leave work to focus on me, the house, marriage etc and pregnancy.

The pregnancy part still hasn't happened and now I'm at the stage where work isn't really happening for me. I completely understand where you are coming from.

People hear you aren't working with no children and instantly assume you are living of the government. Now, I have no issues with people receiving benefits if they genuinely deserve them, but I have never been one of those people. My fella earns a good wage and we that's all we need (although, I am looking for a little part time job just for me).

My days are now filled with keeping the house clean and tidy, enjoying novels and classic movies, walking my puppy (11 month old Labrador) and cooking/baking. But it can get a bit boring.

Don't listen to what other people say, do what's best for you and your soon to be family. Nobody else's opinion matters.

Good luck with treatment.

X

 

[LoveCakes]

I wouldn't feel guilty for it, if your hubby can support you there's no reason to feel guilty. Considering the shortage of jobs it's actually helping someone!

I'd wouldn't consider being a SAHW that unusual, in our parents' generation it was the norm.

Good luck in your IVF!

 

[popchick75]

When i went through IVF i was lucky enough to be able to switch from a full time job to a flexible part time job with a different employer. I would work from around 8-12 in the mornings, but i was able to adjust my schedule when i would have to go in for the morning ultrasounds and blood draws.
I found that the part time work kept me sane and helped me feel like i was still accomplishing something. Plus, the job was at a YMCA (not sure if you have those in the UK....they are centers for fitness and childcare) so I got a free gym membership with my employment, so there wasn't an excuse for not working out.
I'm a bit of an introvert, so the job also forced me to socialize....if i didn't work i probably would have just stayed at home with a pile of books for weeks on end

Another thing....IVF is so all consuming. I needed something 'active' to distract myself and also stay on some sort of normal schedule. If i would have stayed home the entire time i probably would have gone mad, or at the very least staying up late and sleeping too much during the day.

If you are able to stay at home, i think that's fantastic, but my advice would be to set up some sort of schedule or goals to keep you motivated and moving along. When I didn't work at all, it seemed like my life became very stagnant.

 

[Dreamer25]

Thanks for your thoughts ladies. It's comforting to know that none of us are alone in this madness that is LTTC, and that all of us on here face many mind-bending choices that most people are lucky enough not to have to make. I'm fairly new to this forum, but I think the support network is fantastic! I hope everyone's dreams come true xxxx

 

[tawanamood]

Oh I know!!! Being young, unemployed, and childless gets you judged so harshly because you're, "wasting your youth."

Take this time and focus on you. Go for long walks in the evening and try reading a really thick book you can get lost in. Don't focus so much on what others think because it will make you go crazy.