Just can't seem to get past what happened (and nearly happened)

[grumpymoo]

Did, or does anyone feel this way?

I mean, I had Rose almost 7 months ago and it still feels so raw. I am beginning to think I am never going to get over it.

I can't get past that the only reason Rose was born in time was because I had a feeling that things were wrong, but no symptoms or anything .
It was so touch and go and I really struggle with that.

I was by that time under consultant care and going in for more monitoring plus the steroids but it would of been too late by the time i went in for that.

Also that I was separated from her for 2 weeks and that I didn't get to see her properly or hold her for 2 days. We were in different hospitals for that time. I struggle that I did not do my best for her while she was in hospital too, I felt so boggled by everything.

I do feel blessed every single day and dont walk round in a mope or anything but it crops up in my mind all the time and it does no good does it?! it makes me so tearful and still fills me with panic now.

I am so aware so many of you have been through an awful lot worse than my experience and that you are obviously made of stronger stuff than me. just had to get this off my chest at last.

Thanks for letting me and i hope that i have not upset any of you lovely ladies x

 

[lizziedripping]

Awww hun, this isn't about how strong you are or not, the preemie experience is horrendous, whatever the outcome.

My daughter is healthy and happy now, but her birth for me has left a lasting sadness, a grief for the pregnancy and birth I should have had that I can never get back. This doesn't mean I don't consider us lucky that she made it - because I do every day - but the experience changed me forever, and changed the way I view pregnancy and childbirth forever.

For me too I went into hospital at 23 weeks on instinct alone, there were no real signs of preterm labour. I am haunted by the fact that if I hadn't, Evie would have been born at home, and likely died in my arms

Being pregnant again has for the most part been a living nightmare. I have not been able to enjoy it, nor dare I let myself get excited about holding my 2 beautiful boys - an unfortunate legacy of having had a baby in intensive care fighting to live.

You are not alone darlin', and no one here would ever judge your feelings. You are among friends - feel free to share, it can only help. You will feel better in time,and as your daughter goes from strength to strength, it will help you to heal. Don't fight the way you feel, it is all perfectly normal after such a trauma. x

 

[Bec L]

Big to both of you firstly.

Can totally empathise with how you feel and my situation was far less traumatic than yours.

I still get very very emotional when I think about Poppy being whisked off to special care without her mummy at just a few minutes old. If I talk about it or see similar stories on tv it upsets me greatly. Lizzie you put it so well when you say it has changed your views of childbirth and pregnancy forvever. That's how I feel too and I am trying hard to not get too stressed and worried during this pregnancy.

The main thing is that Poppy is an absolute treasure and is the most affectionate little thing, so I don't think she suffered any emotional attachment issues from not being with me at the very start of her life. Am sure you LOs are the same

 

[Laura2919]

Aww hun, I dont actually think you will ever get over it tbh!
I still think about when I had the twins and it still makes me cry!

I also didnt get to see the twins because we were in different hospitals and for 5 days I had to listen to others saying how gorgeous and small they were and all that!

I think for me its the whole not being able to see them when in an ideal world we would give birth and leave he hospital that night and go home. Sometimes it just dont work..

Its a scary experience and sometimes we think back and it is upsetting.

But we have gorgeous little kids and we are all so proud of them

Hope your feeling a little more positive xx

 

[Dona]

Hey Hun, I totally understand how your feeling and where your coming from. I am there and will be there for a long time yet! What us Mummy's have been though is real trauma and its the trauma part that can take years to get over. If you don't mind me saying but you might have a little post traumatic stress which is extremely common in Mum's like us. I myself was treated for it. I had to tell Archie's story in my own words at his naming day on Saturday. I stood up, burst into tears and sat down again. It took me about two long mins to compose myself and start again. As I talked through his journey about the ups and the downs, so many people had hankies to wipe away their tears.

I think any Mummy like us feels exactly the same, hence why we all have such a good bond.

Sending you

 

[alibaba24]

my daughter stopped growing at 30 weeks she was delivered at 34 weeks and i shudder to think what the outcome would have been if my mw hadnt acted so fast getting me a growth scan and if the hosptial hadnt admitted me it does stay in my mind and makes me terrified of any future pregnancies Id love Rosalie to have a little brother or sister but im not sure if im strong enough to risk a pregnancy that could go the same way I guess on the flip side i have to feel lucky she Was born at 34 weeks and not much earlier xxxx

 

[bumpsmum]

it is very normal for something so traumatic to take a long long time, I felt the exact same way a few months ago, I was very angry and bitter about missing out on the end of my pregnancy and not getting to see Matthew or hold him, slowly over time this has eased but will always stick with me.

As Dona had said maybe PTSD and talking it through with someone may help. You are such a great mummy and went with your gut feeling but id imagine it is all to easy to think 'what if'. Hopefully with time and seeing how amazing Rose has done this way be less pressing

You know we are always here for you even if its just to scream and shout or help take your mind of things x

 

[Laura2919]

Its easy to imagine pregnancy as this lovely time where you carry this little person inside you and have no problems whatsoever! Thats not always the case though and I was always brought up to believe in life you are given what you can handle and what doesnt kill you makes you stronger!!
I think its something we wont get over we will just learn to live with and with every day that your daughter grows you get that little bit stronger to learn to live with it.

Always here if you need a chat hun xxx

 

[grumpymoo]

Thank you all for your very kind replies.

It actually feels good to get it off my chest and share it.

Its also good that you dont think I am being daft (at least I don't think you do!).

 

[Laura2919]

Well I dont think your being daft hun. I think we have all probably been here and some might even still be! I definitely dont look back at the experience and think well that werent too bad because it was awful and we all suffered for 4 weeks!

I think its nice you feel able to open up to us xx

 

[New2Bumps]

It's great that you can share your experience with the forum - talking about things often helps. My LO was only a month early and I found the whole shock of going into labour and him being in neonatal just confusing and horrible. I rarely comment in this forum as so many of you wonderful ladies and your LOs have come through so much more trauma than me and mine and I hardly feel worthy to comment, but just wanted to send you strength and hugs and urge you to continue sharing your worries with the ladies on here x Your little girl looks gorgeous

 

[Cazzyg]

Have you been offered any counselling? I spoke to my GP about flashbacks and issues I was having around my daughter's first birthday and she spoke about it as an option. I also hade a debrief with the consultant which helped me come to terms with some of the what ifs.

I think what you are feeling is entirely normal and these feelings come to the fore later when you have a bit more time to think and it's inevitable that you start to play out alternative scenarios in your head.

I'm another who's experience was nothing in comparison to many of the mums and babies here, so I'm not sure if this is relevant, but I have found it gets easier as my little girl gets older. When you see that they are hitting milestones and are happy, it makes it all seem worth it and helps me when I start to think about her start in life.

 

[grumpymoo]

It's great that you can share your experience with the forum - talking about things often helps. My LO was only a month early and I found the whole shock of going into labour and him being in neonatal just confusing and horrible. I rarely comment in this forum as so many of you wonderful ladies and your LOs have come through so much more trauma than me and mine and I hardly feel worthy to comment, but just wanted to send you strength and hugs and urge you to continue sharing your worries with the ladies on here x Your little girl looks gorgeous

Thank you for your response

I think that all these lovely replies show that we are ALL worthy no matter what we have been through.

We all need to remember that our experiences are relative. We have still been through them even if someone has been through worse (any many definitely have!) and someone else going through worse does not take away our pain.

I have to say though that I have great admiration for the ladies on here who had very early babies. They seem to be doing a damn sight better than me!

Thank you so much once again

 

[grumpymoo]

Have you been offered any counselling? I spoke to my GP about flashbacks and issues I was having around my daughter's first birthday and she spoke about it as an option. I also hade a debrief with the consultant which helped me come to terms with some of the what ifs.

I think what you are feeling is entirely normal and these feelings come to the fore later when you have a bit more time to think and it's inevitable that you start to play out alternative scenarios in your head.

I'm another who's experience was nothing in comparison to many of the mums and babies here, so I'm not sure if this is relevant, but I have found it gets easier as my little girl gets older. When you see that they are hitting milestones and are happy, it makes it all seem worth it and helps me when I start to think about her start in life.

Thank you too!

I have tried to see my consultant about what happened but was only offered to see the Doc who delivered Rose, not sure this will help as there were prob before she was born?

Perhaps counseling would be good for me, I was trying to work my way through it myself but certainly would not rule it out.

Thanks for sharing your experience, its good to hear x

 

[bumpsmum]

Totally agree that each individual experience is just as painful whether the baby was very early or only by a few weeks, we all share the common experience of NICU and traumatic births (early labour or emergency/elected sections) and feel that any mums or dad's should feel comfortable contributing to posts that's what were all here for, over the last year I have seen everyone open up and share alot and its gotten me through alot too, so as much help as we can give you grumps we'll be here xx

 

[grumpymoo]

Totally agree that each individual experience is just as painful whether the baby was very early or only by a few weeks, we all share the common experience of NICU and traumatic births (early labour or emergency/elected sections) and feel that any mums or dad's should feel comfortable contributing to posts that's what were all here for, over the last year I have seen everyone open up and share alot and its gotten me through alot too, so as much help as we can give you grumps we'll be here xx

Awwww

 

[Mumof42009]

I still think about all my births even my very 1st one and my dd is 11 now it still seems like yesterday being rushed to theatre them saying i could lose her, then to go through it another 3 times after really gets to me i just wish my body could be normal it is really hard and unless you've been through prem birth or nicu journey people will never know its good to talk about it though than to bottle it up cause that will make things worse xx

 

[Foogirl]

My journey from 26 weeks was pretty scary. In hospital in London for a week with bleeding and I keep thinking how ridiculously cavalier I was about it. I just didn't take them seriously when they talked about risks, I was just winging about them not letting me home.

Then I think about what could have happened if they had managed to get themselves together and release me on the monday at 29 weeks in Stirling. I was fortunately still in hospital because of shockingly poor administration on the Monday night when my waters broke. An hour and a half later I started losing blood and lost 2 pints in total. I kept thinking "what if...."

But then I realised, I would have gone up to the hospital when my waters broke anyway so I'd have been there when I started bleeding. I also have read so many "luckily I was....." stories that I have come to realise there was nothing lucky about it.

Grumpy, you DID realise something was wrong and you DID act on it. There is no reason to wonder what could have happened because, as you found out, you had enough instinct to know there was a problem. Mother nature is good to us like that!

It does sound like a touch of PTSD and it would be worthwhile talking to someone if you think you'll have trouble working through it yourself. Have you talked about this to your partner? He might have some insight to the experience that hasn't occurred to you. He saw the whole thing through different eyes. Mr Foo's experience was entirely different to mine.

Whatever you do, don't think you're being daft. We've all had very different experiences and none are comparable. Mine was relatively straightforward and my outlook on life meant I was able to handle it well. I daresay if I'd have had a rough a time of it as you, or Dona or Gillian, I'd be struggling too. But at the same time, it is possible that someone else could have had a similar experience as me and not been able to cope with it because they are an entirely different character.

Someone's problems are no less important simply because someone else has a "bigger" problem.

 

[grumpymoo]

You are a very wise women, thank you!

 

[premmiemum123]

I echo everything that has been said by all the lovely strong women on this forum. Grumpymoo you should never feel bad about how you feel. As Dona has said it was a traumatic experience which you are struggling to come to terms with. I totally emphasise with you about how you feel. It takes time, it could take months, maybe years before you come to terms with what has happened, just give yourself time. Counselling may be an option, it is something I am considering as since I returned to work I can't cope with the demands of my job and everything is starting to hit home. I am usually a positive person but this experience is proving too much for my character to cope with.

The great thing is, is that you have beautiful Rose and she will bring you so much joy in years to come and this I hope will bring you self healing.

x