Just wanted to share with people who understand!

[catfishes]

Hi, I'm new here - I'm almost 25, have lived in in South Wales for past 2 years but I'm originally from Sussex.

I am in a relationship with a fantastic guy, we've been together 3 years and I really love him and would love to have kids with him and I know he would be a great father. He is 27. We have lived together for 2 years. I know he wants kids but he doesn't really know how badly I want them NOW, haha.

My situation is this: I convinced myself I had endometriosis earlier this year however I went to the doctor and he didn't seem at all concerned or mention that at all in my appointment after I told him my symptoms so I now thought maybe I was exaggerating and I have got over that..

Since then I have been absolutely obsessed with the idea of having babies at this point in my life - it is actually painful this longing, I have never had it so strong. I have opened a bank account to save specifically for a baby, and every decision I make (we are hoping to move house within the next couple of months) at the back of my mind I am thinking about how it may affect having a baby.

Something else that has triggered this is watching my half sister (who is now in her 40s) fail to conceive after years and years of awful IVF, and who is now going through drawn out and stressful adoption procedures.. The last thing I want is to wait 10/15 years and have this possibly happen to me. Or to wait until I have a career/bought a house etc, which won't be until well into my 30s and then have to spend it all on IVF anyway!

I am having many conflicting thoughts but there are a few things I am particularly worried about if we decided to have a baby now and I would love it if anyone had any feedback or felt like they were in a similar situation or have coped with some of these things before - I feel totally alone here, none of my friends have any interest in kids and I don't know too many people here in Wales as it is:

- money - hardly an original worry... but it's still there.

- the fact that my boyfriend works from home. Is anyone else in this situation? I'm really worried that me AND a baby in the house where he has to work could potentially lead to problems.

- my mum lives back in sussex and I don't have many friends here, I'm worried about support networks and stuff, of which I may have very little if I got pregnant.

- i'm also worried about the fact that we are renting and have seriously little chance of ever managing to buy a house. It doesn't bother me personally at all, I have never been interested in buying a house but I feel like maybe I am being selfish and if I had a baby i'd have to think about buying more because of the stability?

Anyway nice to meet you all - hope you didn't mind my offloading, it was just nice to write it all down - I have no one at all to talk to about this. reading this forum has been really great - I feel like I'm among girls who understand!

xx

 

[CharmedKirsty]

Lots of people are in the same boat. I live in a 1 bed council flat and only my husband is working. Is moving back to sussex an option for you? Someone wrote on here if wait until the time is right you will be waiting forever. Or words to that affect.

 

[catfishes]

Hi thanks for replying - I know lots of people are in same situation, it can just feel often that you are the only one even though it's so silly to think that!

I wouldn't move back to sussex no, I have a job here now and I really love this area.
About waiting forever for the "right time", i know for a fact that's what my half sister did and it didn't turn out so well for her

 

[mrsp3]

hi catfishes, i can really relate to a lot of what you have said. I was misdiagnosed with pcos a few years ago and it really kickstarted / made my broodiness worse. I can also relate to the fact that none of your friends are interested in babies- as can most people on this site- thats why were here!!

Maybe to help you make your decision as to whether now is the right time to ttc you should look at each problem you can foresee and see what could possibly change with that in the next couple of years to make that a better time, or what you could do in the meantime to change it...

i.e
- lack of support network, you mention that you don't know many people in wales. My understanding is that when you get pregnant you will be introduced to a group of people that are due to give birth around the same time. It can definitely be a lonely time looking after a baby, but could also help link you up with others in a similar situation through baby classes/ mother and baby groups.. etc

-lack of support from your mother due to geographical distance. you said you wouldn't ever move back to sussex, so if you have a baby now or in a few years nothing will change so don't let this be a reason for postponing. Would she maybe relocate to wales after you had your baby? is this something you can talk to her about? what about your partners family- are they close?

-partner working at home. This is a tricky one, but is there a room in the house where he could work, away from the noise of a crying baby? how does he feel about the practicality of it? Does he need to make lots of phone calls?

Try not to think that you are going to experience the same problems as your half sister. you need to make the choice to have a baby because you want one, not because you're scared if you don't do it in time. At 25 you have plenty of time and if you've been checked out by a doctor then i'm sure you're fine. Could you request a ultra sound scan on the nhs? i got one after having irregular bleeding for several months, i had been diagnosed with pcos and my gp was really understanding. Being told i had a healthy womb etc..and infact did NOT have pcos really put my mind to rest and stopped me from thinking that i better get on with it for health reasons.

Is there anything you want to achieve before ttc? do you have any career aspirations or personal goals?

I hope this helps. Sometimes i feel really confused and want to avoid looking at any potential reasons not to as i just want a baby like yesterday but when i do really analyse my situation and ask questions i feel a lot more clarity and have realised that i should prob wait a bit more. That however might not be the situation for you.

Whatever you decide we're here for you and hope that everything works out xx mrsp3

 

[amy_2]

Maybe go ahead and have one, and then juggle it around with the rest of your life and work it out as you go? Someone told me recently, life is a dance and you learn as you go.

I know in Australia where I live there is the $3000 baby bonus, and other financial incentives such as tax benefits. I mean, if you really want a baby, and I understand that feeling, then maybe that is natures way of telling you that now is the time.

I think you should listen to your feelings. It's not like 25 is too young to have a baby. It is a great age in my opinion. We live in an ageing and declining population, it can't hurt to have a baby. In a lot of ways I really want a baby now, but I also feel huge pressure to wait and establish a career first, I am only just finishing uni this year. Then I will have student debt to pay off.

The way society is organized for women does not fit with having a baby. After age 23 fertility begins to decline. I thought I was doing the responsible thing by going to university, but now I feel sad when I see the girls who didn't go starting their own family, while I am still living at home and saddled with student debt at age 22. I hate the way people these days say that 22 or 25 is "too young" to have a baby. It's obviously not, by that age we are well into adulthood.

 

[catfishes]

thanks for the replies girls they are really helpful.

I agree amy_2 about society not being set up for women to have babies at their most fertile age, I think 25 isn't too young at all, you only have to consider all the great mums on this forum who are younger than that!! I tend to go with my gut instinct on a lot of things and I know having a baby wouldn't be all fun and games and money would be tight for a long time, but then I knew moving to wales from a decent paying job to having no job, just to move in with someone I loved wasn't going to be easy- but, because it just felt right I went with it and it has turned out really well in the end and i'm the happiest i've ever been.

mrsp3 -thanks for all your comments too. How rubbish to be misdiagnosed!!
well I went to the Dr because I was having bad bowel pains just on the first 2 days of my period, when i googled this everyone was saying that is a massive symptom of endometriosis - Anyway I told him this and he went on about and did I have any history of heart disease (!?) and general bowel problems like IBS or something, which I'm not convinced is the problem because I generally am fine in that area and why would it be specifically linked to periods? He offered me a blood test and an ovulation test to test my fertility because I mentioned I was concerned about that but I already know I am ovulating fine (not on the pill and never have been) - so I kind of stopped worrying - it's probably a normal thing that everyone has. But because of my sister's experience I was probs overly freaking out about it.

However strangely I haven't had the symptoms again since I went to the Dr, but if it comes back I will because I admit it's still very much in the back of my mind.

As for my mum, I've just worked out that my bf's sister, who has 2 young children and a new baby, is roughly the same distance from HER mother as i would be from mine - and they see each other all the time and are really close - so maybe that wouldn't be as big of an issue as I thought. And you are right about support networks too.

THANKS EVERYONE XXXXXXXX

 

[4magpies]

I know in Australia where I live there is the $3000 baby bonus, and other financial incentives such as tax benefits.

You get $3000 when you have a baby over there?!?! Im surprised everyone isnt popping them out all over the show!!

xxx

 

[4magpies]

Oh and I had suspected endo but turns out I dont. If you are worried about it and suffer pain get your doctor to refer you to the gynae.

I had a lap last week and altho they didnt find endo they found I have a blocked tube and an ovary full of scar tissue which was causing my pain. This makes me not want to wait even more as I dont want to waste any time when it could take me years to concieve!

xxx

 

[catfishes]

Did you get offered a blood test when you first went? This was basically all the Dr offered me, no mention of anything like endometriosis or having a lap. Kind of felt like I was fobbed off and he thought I was being stupid. I think maybe I will go back and try and get a different Dr.

 

[4magpies]

No didnt have a blood test till my preop.

They tried putting me on the pill but I couldnt take it because of my migranes. It was messing me up. Bascially I told them it was ruining my sex life so they offered me a lap and I took it!

xxx

 

[4magpies]

Oh and I had to take my mum to the doctors after I ended up in A&E with pain for them to refer me.

Kept telling me I had IBS!

Go read my journal 1st post thats my story. Link in my sig.

xxx

 

[catfishes]

Thaaaank you! will read it this evening.

IBS is what the Dr said I could have, but I know I don't. xxx

 

[4magpies]

Endo can also affect your bowels, people have been even known to have endo tissue in their arms. Its an awful disease and I am glad I dont have it, if I still carry on with the pain I will have to have my ovary and tube removed though which isnt fun.

xxx

 

[Caroline:-)]

Hi Catfishes,
I just wanted to say hi as I live in Cardiff too!!!
I think it just depends on how you feel about what you want from life... I mean, for me it was important that I was married, bought a house, etc... but then I'm just little miss sensible... I've wanted kids for years... but it wasn't until 2 years ago we managed to buy a house as we got caught up in the whole renting thing. 2 years ago I also started a new job which I needed to be in 2 years before I qualify for full maternity pay... so that's why I'm waiting now... I'm 31 next month so waiting until things were 'right' for me took longer than I intended... so I guess what I'm saying is that if, like me, there are things that are important to you to achieve before you have kids you should stick to it... but if other things don't matter so much to you, don't put it off because you can end up putting it off forever... right now is still not the ideal time for me, but it is definately the right time!!! Only you can decide how much you want a baby now and how you feel about all the other issues... oh and, have you talked to OH about it?!?!? He might feel strongly about it in one way or another - he may not be ready for kids yet...?

 

[pinkclaire]

Just wanted to say I'm 25 and when I fell pregnant noone I knew was even considering having kids. Also financial situation could have been a lot better as I've only just finished uni.

When I was pregnant I started building up my social life by going to antenatal classes and since having James postnatal groups, baby groups. If you do things like this you soon make friends now I can meet up with people every day of the week if I like!

My MIL lives 4 hours away but we just all make more effort to see each other and it's fine we just appreciate time spent a lot more.

It's so hard though once you have it in your head you want a baby there's no going back lol.