Just wrote this poem.....my 3 angels maybe 4 :( ADDED SOME MORE

[lauraperrysan]

After 3 m/c's and my 4th pregnancy at 5 weeks 5 days an bleeding it could soon be 4. I just wrote this poem this monring in about an hour and wrote exactly how i feel. I wanted to share it with you guys as no one else understands.

ADDED SOME MORE:
It gets a bit more personal but hopefully it still makes sense xx


Here goes.....

Why me?

So here I am at 21,
My empty head and empty tum,
I feel lost, dazed and confused
I have learnt what it is to loose

For I love my daughter very much
At 2 years old she’s who I clutch
But my story here is just beginning
However my head just keeps on spinning and spinning

For I know what it is too loose
It’s like my heart has a permanent bruise
My babies you are and will always be
But please God why did you take them from me?

For it is not just once but three times now
Tell me God, tell me why and tell me how?
Our first baby left me at just 6 weeks
And all I want to do is kiss his or her cheeks

Our second baby lasted just a few days
Suffering this heartache again has left me in such a daze
Why God is this happening to me?
I want my babies don’t you see?

I will love any baby you give to me
I don’t care if they are different or have a disability
For I have proved to you how much love I can give
So please let my little babies live live live

I can forgive you God for taking twice from me
But I’ll be honest I don’t think it’s a very nice way to be
For then we were expecting our third together
And again you did it to me you took our baby forever

Tell me how am I meant to have faith in you?
For my fourth time is here now God, yes it’s true
I pray you let me prove myself this time
Will this little baby really be mine?

See God I have a scan booked for next week
Our baby will be just over 6 weeks
Your happy to give me such a precious gift
But only for a short while until to heaven they drift

So I’m sat here God on my bed weeping
So worn out but too scared for sleeping
For when I wake up and need a wee
I’m petrified of what I am going to see

See God I love my little Lily so so much
She amazing to have to cuddle, watch and touch
That’s why I allow myself to go through your test each time
As I know it’s worth it to have a baby of mine

But God as before the bleeding has started
Are you threatening me Lord or has my baby parted?
I am loosing my fighting power to keep on going
For love or money please keep my baby growing

I will not try again if my beanie does not stick
For this heartache is too much and I’m sure it’s making me sick
I will try one day, when I am stronger and older
But for the moment I’m sure your getting colder and colder

I pray to you Lord to keep my little one alive
Please keep my little baby safe and help him thrive
By doing this you will restore my faith in you
By showing me life from a different view

I beg you now to keep our beanie baby safe
I want him to be here with me in my place
I will go on now with my day today
Taking each moment I have spare to pray pray pray

Later that day….

So Lord did you hear my prayer today?
I begged you to make my baby stay
I don’t think you did as it’s getting worse now
Please tell me what to do to cope and how?

My poor partner, these babies would have been his first
You know you took all his babies, that really is the worst
For bless little Lily for she is not his
But you would never know unless you were to quiz

Daddy is the name Lily’s always called him
I feel so sad our baby making chances look grim
I wish I never let him go when we were younger
But the feeling to explore was pure hunger

I am so sad that I had a baby with someone who doesn’t care about me
For Lily’s true ‘father’ has not been in contact or seen me or Lily
It makes me mad that in just one night
We made so easily my gorgeous little might

For then I was very young, sweet and naïve
Lily’s true fathers name is in fact Steve
I will never forgive him for walking out that day
When I told him I was pregnant he didn’t know what to say

I have never seen or heard from him again
He has never seen Lily he wouldn’t know her from Jayne
Why in one night only did we conceive so easy
The whole pregnancy I sailed through so nice and breezy

That’s why I don’t understand why now it’s so hard
Now the time is right but all we feel is scarred
I know we are both hurting so very much
I can sense it every time were close and barely touch

I hope Mark understands that it is not easy
And hope dear Lord he will never leave me
For I will always keep trying to have his baby
Please give me more hope than just a mere maybe…..

But I need a break to go through months of tests
To ensure our chances next time are the best
I will pray every day until you bless us with a sticky bean
Until that day comes I will be a positive thinking queen

 

[borntobeamum]

That is one of the nicest most heart felt things I have read.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of glue, hopeing that your prayers are heard.

XXXX

 

[catfromaus]

That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Best wishes for your scan- I really hope your baby is okay.

Cat
xxx

 

[Kiki09]

That is such a heartfelt poem, and all of us who have lost can relate...

sending you lots of hugs and sticky dust for your bean

 

[Jemma_x]

Thats beautiful, thinking of you

 

[mummy_k]

that is lovely, i have got everything crossed for you laura

 

[lauraperrysan]

Thanks for your kind comments. It actually made me feel so much better writing this poem. It's still not looking too good for me, i am bleeding the same as all my m/c's have started. But i will update you all when i know more xx

 

[Barneyboo]

OMG! I have just seen this I am so gutted so gutted sending you a massive cyber huggle I hope it will be ok and I will pray and have everything crossed for you x x x x x

Beautiful poem x x x x x x

 

[jadeemma79]

praying that god gives you some glue this time
xxxx

 

[borntobeamum]

Just read the updated part.

firstly I have to say what an amazing writer you are, you have captured what must be all the feelings in your heart right now. Not sure if you would show it to Mark, but it might let him see how you are feeling, sometimes its hard to tell our other halfs and fully explain to them how much they mean to us.

I really really hope your prayers are heard.

Lauraxxx

 

[lauraperrysan]

just to let you all know that my m/c has started full on this morning so i'll be taking a break from here for a little while. i'll be back soon-ish, thanks all for being so lovely xx

 

[lauraperrysan]

Just read the updated part.

firstly I have to say what an amazing writer you are, you have captured what must be all the feelings in your heart right now. Not sure if you would show it to Mark, but it might let him see how you are feeling, sometimes its hard to tell our other halfs and fully explain to them how much they mean to us.

I really really hope your prayers are heard.

Lauraxxx

hi borntobeamum, thanks for your post, i actually enjoyed (as much as i could) writing thsi poem. it's really helped me. i probably will give to mark one day but im not sure when yet. when some of the pain has healed and i'm feeling a bit stronger. at the moment my world seems to of come to a halt and i just wish i had some answers, feel like im letting him down som much.....anyway im blabbering now!

Good luck to all your ladies, such great people but such a shame we met this way

Wishing you all the happiness in the world for the future xxx

 

[Chilli]

Oh hun, this is lovely. It seems so unfair to you and Mark. I hope you find the strength and answers sometime in the future ... thinking of you