Known Donor Anonymity

[cottonlily]

We've decided to use a sperm donor for our next insemination. We've picked a couple donors from a couple clinics we liked. However, someone we know has offered to donate fresh semen to use. The problem is that I don't want it to be some big secret as if it's something to be ashamed of but he wants to remain anonymous. Plus everyone knows that we've been TTC for so long, that DH can't get me pregnant and even that we're using a donor now. We live in a tight rural community and people will ask questions. I figure people will even guess who the donor is anyway. I need some advice from anyone who's used known donors who didn't want to be "known" to the public. How do I be honest as possible with my child and still respect the donor's privacy?

 

[cottonlily]

No one has any suggestions?

 

[raf-wife]

hi i dont have any advice for you really your situation is different to mine, but im thinking if your dhs cousin is so against it being known you all need to have a long chat and really think about it, its a personal decision but really in these situations you have to be able to just look at it as eggs and sperm thats what we will have to do if were lucky enough for our ivf to be successful we have decided to donate any left over embryos we may have so another couple can hopefully be sucessful too but for us to do that we have to not think too deep into it even though i know any children would have mine and dhs genes, i wish you luck with whatever decision you make x

 

[rachelle1975]

:wave: Cottonlily

Big for a hard decision that you have to make.

It's a lovely gesture for a relative to offer to donate so that you guys can have treatment. How does DH feel about this?

On the one hand it could be great because it really is a complete part of the family but on the other hand there are what ifs... what if the cousin decided he wanted to be a part of the babies life - legally he would have a right. What if the baby really looked like him and you and DH found this hard? What if his wife and kids found it hard referring to your child as a 'sibling'?

The bonus of using an anonymous sample is that from a health point of view it will have been screened and tested, it will have similar features to your husband but won't look like anyone else you know and when the child is old enough it is there choice whether they would want to see out the donor... as opposed to the donor wanting to be part of the babies life?

xx

 

[beauty]

Hi there

I was a donor myself so its not exactly the same situation as yours but i did donate half my eggs when i cycled.. (but we are known and have to be by law for the child to track at 18years old) This is the law in the UK when you donate through the clinic the same as the sperm donor.

It is kind of left to the child (adult) if they decide to track you down later on in life.. I find this has put a lot of donors off hence why the waiting lists are quite long in the UK.

However I think in my own option if we ever needed to use donor eggs or sperm we would use them from someone we do not know someone the clinic provides..

The clinic run some really into depth tests, that if you were to do private would cost quite a lot of money so the safety checks are in place when you choose the sperm donor or egg donor you want.

Like someone else mentioned it could be a good thing using someone you know but on a down side they might try to have involvment into the childs life and to be honest i am unsure if yourself or your partner would want this??

To be honest not sure on how the law works and if there would be anything you could do to stop this from happening if he started trying to lay down on saying he wanted to see the child, how could you get around this not sure you could??

Lots to think about..

If it was me, then i would go donor route, that way YOUR child can decide IF they want to track the donor down .. If the donor was someone in the family i am not sure if this may cause problems further down for yourself and DP and the cousin and his family too.
(Could he really seperate his life from the babies life) i am not sure anyone could who was so closley involoved.

I feel that its a hard decision but i feel it is easier to use someone who isnt going to be around you or the baby should any live birth be as a result from the donation..

It may be a good idea to sit and write the pros and cons of using a donor you know and a donor you dont know and really thinking and talking it through with your DP..how each situtation that CAN and COULD arise if you used his cousin as the donor..

Good luck hun xx

 

[cottonlily]

Thanks for all the advice In the end I think this is actually best - our child will just know they had an anonymous donor, as they would from a clinic.

 

[rachelle1975]

Is the law different there to here? We can't have anonymous donors anymore.

It's good you've made a decision. I think my only concern would be that should he change his mind at any point, he has parental rights

 

[beauty]

I agree with Rachelle, my only concern would be him changing his mind and wanting parental rights. I dont think him saying he doesnt right now is anything to go by as until a baby is born from his donation results I am not sure if his feelings may change.

I think its hard to say NOW he wouldnt want anything to do with the child, i mean with him being a family member he will hear about the child and maybe see pictures of the child, this may change his mind at any stage.. So if you do decide this route i personally think researching into the law would benefit you all on knowing what he may be allowed in parental rights should it EVER arise.

I do think you have made your mind up which is good news from your post but my only advice then would be to really research into the law so your aware.. I know there was a story in the UK a few months back; it was a lesbian couple who had used a friend as the donor and around a year later he wanted to see the child and have rights. They went to court and the court granted him parental rights. I am unsure on your rules in your country maybe doing some sort of contract between the 3 of you and having solicitors sign it would this make a difference??

All worth asking and researching hun before you move ahead..

Good luck which ever route you decide.. xxxx

I have attached the story above i mentioned and also found another article for you which mentions at the bottom in drawing up a contract etc if you decide to use a family donation..


https://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepa...attle-over-daughter-with-sperm-donor-dad.html


https://hubpages.com/hub/Lesbian-Pregnancy-Using-a-Known-Sperm-Donor

 

[cottonlily]

Is the law different there to here? We can't have anonymous donors anymore.

It's good you've made a decision. I think my only concern would be that should he change his mind at any point, he has parental rights

In the US, anonymous donors are still legal and the norm. Though, there is a movement, albeit small, for more transparency in both donor and adoptive families. We still like our skeletons in the closet too much to completely let go now...

Perhaps I'm being a bit naive but I do trust the donor to keep his word. When using a known donor in SC you have to trust the donor; contracts and agreements, while they may give some peace of mind, have no legal standing in this state. So even if we had a contract the donor could still petition the courts for parental rights. Actually, I've always wondered that about out of state donors/clinics. You sign agreements with them but I wonder if those donors could apply for the same rights since that is law where the child would reside. Slippery slope, hope none of us have to go down it!

 

[wishn2Bmom]

Im in the process of egg sharing right now, the laws are all a bit fuzzy if you will, but now matter how the law is written there is a lawyer out there that would take the case. My clinic has been VERY careful in screening the donors. I have been asked my philosophical views on egg donation and have to go through a complete psych evaluation to ensure that i'm solid in this and won't be seeking out visitation with a child that could result.

Everyone feels very different about donation. To me, until it's a baby, it's just cells, just genetic material, and something that a very deserving couple needs disparately to achieve their dreams of parenthood.
Your DH's cousin probably feels very similarly. He just wants to help, and knows he has something you need and he's got plenty of!

That being said- if you feel uncomfortable not disclosing who the donor is, then you should probably go with the donor.