late premie, feeling guilty and angry

[rayne22]

I have a history of high blood pressure in pregnancy, and was induced with my first daughter when she was 36weeks. She was born at 36+5 and had no health problems except for jaundice.

My 2nd pregnancy went well, was healthy until 32wks when my blood pressure started to become high, and Dr said I was to be monitored for the next few weeks. Well, after 34weeks, my Dr said she really recommends me being induced by 36 weeks because protein in my urine was increasing also. So we set a date for me to start induction when I was 35+5. My Dr kept saying to me any babies born at or after 36 weeks 'is gravy'.

Deep inside I felt like we were jumping the gun on being induced as I hadn't shown any other symptoms of pre-e, it was to be done before I got sick. Baby was measuring big as well so Dr felt she would be OK if she came early. The day of being induced my Dr said it was up to me if I wanted to go ahead with the induction, but she still recommends it. My husband already took time off work, which he wouldn't get anymore if we postponed the induction and we couldn't financially afford it either. So we said OK despite my feelings of it feeling wrong.

As I was in labor almost ready to push, the nurse informed me since baby was being born before 36 weeks that she would have to stay in nicu for 3 days minimum. I was completely shocked and completely pissed off, as had I known that, I definitely would have waited a few more days to be induced and gone against Dr recommendations.

After she was born, I was lucky enough to have one hour of skin to skin, and then they had to take her,

She spent 3 days of being monitored, and then 3 more days of having jaundice, and was released. She had three episodes where she stopped breathing and heart rate went very low.

I know that's not a terrible stay in nicu. But I am having a lot of feelings that I'm sure other moms can relate to, and I need advice on how to get past them.

I feel very angry towards my Dr for not informing me about the mandatory nicu stay.
I'm angry at myself for choosing my health over my babys health.
I feel guilty for not being with her more in the nicu as I felt torn between her and my daughter at home.
I feel like I've lost out on moments that I will never get back. I never got to be there for her first bath (nurse did it without our consent), I never got alone time to snugge with her on the bed, without those damn monitors going off and scaring the crap out of me.
The nurses kept giving her a soother which I didn't like, and now I feel like she wants to suck as a way of coping, instead of crying and being soothed by me.
And to top it off, I feel guilty and angry with myself for buckling under the stress of trying to breast feed and not succeeding.

How do I get past these feelings? I feel like I'm not as attached to my baby as I was with my first. I also have visions of me yelling at my Dr for not informing me, and by yelling, I mean hitting her in the face.

 

[TheNewMrsB]

Congratulations on your New little bundle

My favourite quote is;
"Life's simple, you make choices and you don't look bad"

Please don't beat yourself up over what happened. We all trust in people who know more than we do and you did what any Mum would have done - followed your doctors orders to safe guard your baby! That's an excellent mummy in my book.

Sadly your little one had to stay in NICU but she may have had to stay anyway.

The bath thing is shitty but there will be more firsts you will be there for.


Please don't beat yourself up x

 

[ttc126]

Oh my goodness! A big big hug for you! I was induced @ 36 weeks for severe preeclampsia. My Dr was a total idiot as i told him i had it at 32 weeks. I too did not trust my gut and trusted the Dr and the fact is, my whole traumatic experience could have been avoided i feelexcept i didn't stand up formy gut feeling.

My son spent a week in the nicu and it was awful. I missed every first i felt because i was up in intensive care. I knew how you feel. My mom helped by saying it wasn't his "real first bath" because his cord was still attached...it helped. Honestly. Maybe a good yell at the Dr would help. I yelled at mine last week when he wouldn't release my records do i can see a new Dr because I'm still having postpartum issues...long story. I feel for you hon.

O an so sorry

 

[Foogirl]

You can't change the decisions you made, you can only accept that you made them with the best of intentions, and with the best information available to you at the time.

It's hard to miss put on those firsts and know you'll never get them back. I missed out on a lot of stuff and most of it passes me by, but there are one or two that still hit me hard from time to time.

Try thinking of the other side. Pre - eclampsia can strike very quickly and can be fatal to babies. You could have developed it the very next day and put your baby and yourself at real risk. Your decision might just have saved her life.......

 

[rayne22]

Thanks everyone. At my six week check up I did end up saying something to my Dr about it. She apologized and said she didn't think they would make baby stay in ICU because its usually up for discussion and not mandatory. She apologized three times and gave me a hug which made me feel a lot better, and i felt ten times better after letting it out. I'm still angry if I really think about it but not anywhere near as I was before.

 

[JJKCB]

I feel very angry towards my Dr for not informing me about the mandatory nicu stay.

I would be worried about the use of 'gravy' is he a real doctor sounds like he doesn't have a clue, its mandatory for any child under 37 weeks (my son was nearly 37 weeks and he was kept in for a week even though he had no health issues after birth)

I'm angry at myself for choosing my health over my babys health.

I dont know what I can say to this, sorry

I feel guilty for not being with her more in the nicu as I felt torn between her and my daughter at home.

it must be hard I stayed in hospital with my son but I think I would have a nervous break down if they attempted to send me home alone

I feel like I've lost out on moments that I will never get back.

I think this is typical in almost all preemie births

I never got to be there for her first bath (nurse did it without our consent)

I would object

I never got alone time to snugge with her on the bed, without those damn monitors going off and scaring the crap out of me.

I didnt get this either and it sucks, it annoys me so much that everyone got to hold and cuddled DS before me

The nurses kept giving her a soother which I didn't like

I hate that too, my son never had one as I didnt allow it - unless its truly needed then its just a rod for your own back

and now I feel like she wants to suck as a way of coping, instead of crying and being soothed by me.

you can try and ween her off, the earlier the less trauma

And to top it off, I feel guilty and angry with myself for buckling under the stress of trying to breast feed and not succeeding.

I couldnt either and some people make you feel like shit, hold your head up and say 'I tried' and thats good enough, as long as your baby has a full belly it doesnt matter if it came from your boob or not

How do I get past these feelings?

maybe try talking to someone

I feel like I'm not as attached to my baby as I was with my first.

once again I cant comment on this, sorry

I also have visions of me yelling at my Dr for not informing me, and by yelling, I mean hitting her in the face.

lol I felt like that about midwife, just vent it out (not worth getting arrested for)

 

[Cryssie]

I feel similar. I had to give birth to my daughter at 29 weeks. I had pneumonia and h1n1, coded, then got put into a coma for the first month of her life. I missed everything (luckily dh got to do a lot). Everyone, including friends, got to see/hold her before me. On top of it all, my 2.5 year old has grown away from me since I hadn't seen him either(and still now because I stay where our daughter is in nicu still).

I'm trying to establish that bond with my daughter by feeding her (only twice daily right now, I'm still recuperating) and snuggling her in the nicu. It's hard to cope with these things, but talking to the husband helps.

 

[LucyLake]

Cryssie, I really get it even though my wait to hold the boys was just 24 hours.

OP, I had preeclampsia too. In my case, I came this close to having a seizure. My boys could have been taken from me in a heartbeat had I not paid attention to my headaches and blurred vision and gone on hospital bedrest at 31wks, boys born 33+4....From one NICU pree mom to another you did the RIGHT thing.