Letting second born (or consecutive) babies cry...

[KatBar]

For the second time mums (or third plus), did you find you had to let your newborn/baby cry a lot more?

I've had my 2 week old awake from roughly 8:30am. His had a good feed, brought up lots of burps, pooped, farted etc, but won't settle back to sleep again. I've rocked him, put him in the swing for a bit, done tummy time, rocked him in his pram etc etc, bit nothing is working and his fussying on and off. It's now 10:50am, so his been awake almost 2.5 hours and I have to start thinking about making my toddler lunch before he has his nap at midday.

Basically I just have to put my newborn down and let him cry (even if I hold him, he fusses, so I sling or carrier is useless).

Is this just part of the deal when having more than one child?!

 

[Zephram]

Yes, it is. It’s the reality of having more than one kid - you can’t attend to all of their needs and wants immediately. Your toddler needs you too, you need to feed him lunch, therefore your newborn may need to cry while you do it.

I felt so much mummy guilt about this when I had my second, I think it contributed to my PND. It doesn’t stop when they’re older either. Mine are 5 and 2.5 now and it remains that if they both get het up about something at the same time then you have to pick one to attend to before the other. If one is more urgent they go first, but otherwise it’s turn about to wait to get their problem fixed up. It’s a fat of life if you have siblings - some of the time you have to wait.

So whilst you may feel guilty hearing your newborn cry, your toddler’s need to eat lunch is legitimate and just as important as a fussy newborn. So try not to feel bad about it.

I mitigated this as much as possible in newborn days by wearing my DS2 as it did work to calm him down , but if your baby has been fed, changed, hugged all morning and is dry and warm, then he is going to come to absolutely no harm whatsoever if you set him down for a few minutes to make sure your toddler eats, even if he cries the whole time.

It does get easier - hang in there!

 

[Zephram]

Also want to add that I’m about to have my third, so I’m anticipating a total shit show where we have moments of all 3 crying at once/needing something st the same time. It’s fun being a Mum.

It’s really so much easier first time around when you can give 100% of your attention to your first born - it’s something you don’t know you should treasure and appreciate at the time!

 

[KatBar]

Thanks Zephram! It's encouraging to hear that it's just how it has to be, and everyone experiences this once they have more than one child.
You're definitely right, its better to just get the toddler what they need, and then attend to the baby after. I will just have to steel myself against hearing my youngest cry - it's definitely hard, spesh as they're so tiny, but like you say, if they have to cry for a short period, it's not going to cause them any great harm.

Congrats on expecting your third!! I can only imagine how it'll be with 3 hehe, but hopefully it'll be smoother third time round (you can hope right ).

 

[wish4baby]

YEP! Makes them tougher just kidding (a little)
I was just talking to my husband about this - if i have 3 crying kids, i can instantly prioritize and decide who needs me most...it’s like a Mom superpower anyways, I attend to the most serious one while the other(s) just have to wait - i do try to talk soothingly to them, sometimes it helps, sometimes they continue to cry...can’t be helped!

Thankfully that’s a rare occurrence, but a few weeks ago we had a virus going through the family and it was a nightmare! There was just so much crying....

My woven wrap is a lifesaver! My youngest is usually in there and that keeps the crying to a minimum. Even if he is crying in there, and I can’t attend to him right away, i feel better about it than just setting him down to cry

sometimes i wear my infant on the front in the wrap and toddler (15 months) in the lillebaby on my back, then I have 2 hands for my 3 y/o ...it’s a sight, I’m sure, but it has saved my sanity more than once LOL

 

[noon_child]

I think this so highlights where our Western culture is out of whack. I wish there was a team of aunties and grannies round looking after your toddler so you could be with baby. Your baby has no idea why you are leaving him but you've been placed in the unenviable position of having to chose between the needs of two beings who both need you! I feel for you *hugs*. Do you have anyone who could help by preparing some meals for your toddler in advance that you could just heat up, or making a sandwich plate. In fact if someone was able to do that, they could do it for you too!! While it maybe what has to happen sometimes, I am not keen on us all accepting this is normal and OK. We need to start asking others for help and support (those of us lucky enough to have some) in the early weeks and demanding that our partners who share equal responsibility in deciding to have this child also share equal responsibility in taking care of that child - and in the early weeks that means taking care of you, taking on extra responsibility with older kids and doing more domestic work. Sorry I know that doesn't help you much, rant over!

 

[Zephram]

I think this so highlights where our Western culture is out of whack. I wish there was a team of aunties and grannies round looking after your toddler so you could be with baby. Your baby has no idea why you are leaving him but you've been placed in the unenviable position of having to chose between the needs of two beings who both need you! I feel for you *hugs*. Do you have anyone who could help by preparing some meals for your toddler in advance that you could just heat up, or making a sandwich plate. In fact if someone was able to do that, they could do it for you too!! While it maybe what has to happen sometimes, I am not keen on us all accepting this is normal and OK. We need to start asking others for help and support (those of us lucky enough to have some) in the early weeks and demanding that our partners who share equal responsibility in deciding to have this child also share equal responsibility in taking care of that child - and in the early weeks that means taking care of you, taking on extra responsibility with older kids and doing more domestic work. Sorry I know that doesn't help you much, rant over!

I completely agree with you - if only we all had more help!! My OH will be back at work after two weeks and my mum will only be over a few times a week, so much of the time it will just be me and my 3 kids when the new baby comes. Since we no longer live in multigenerational houses, this is really our lot, unless you’re rich enough to afford a nanny.

That said - for the benefit of the OP, it really will not do a baby any harm if they cry for a few minutes while you attend to your older children. It really won’t. I say this as someone who has practiced attachment parenting and cosleeping, clearly I don’t believe in letting babies cry, but when you have more than one it is an inevitability that at some point one or more of your children will have to wait (which sometimes means crying), while you attend to the needs of the other children. I think we need to make this point very strongly as the other thing we don’t need in our western society is any more reasons for mums to feel any guilt over their parenting.

I also firmly believe that it is part and parcel of having a sibling - you don’t always get to come first. Sometimes you have to wait and take your turn and I honestly believe this is character building as you grow up. It’s hard when it’s a newborn, but it’s the situation mums of more than one find themselves in and it’s not going to adversely affect the newborn if you’ve already taken care of all of their needs. Older siblings needs are a legitimate reason for putting down your baby - even if they cry. You are after all, still Mum to your older kids and they still need you too, just as much as they did before the new baby was born. You just have to get used to managing needs when you have more than one!

Sorry if I come in strongly about this, but like I said in my first post, the guilt of having to do this for a minute or two at a time absolutely contributed to my PND last time around and I’m absolutely determined that other women know it’s okay and your kids will be fine!

 

[KatBar]

I think this so highlights where our Western culture is out of whack. I wish there was a team of aunties and grannies round looking after your toddler so you could be with baby. Your baby has no idea why you are leaving him but you've been placed in the unenviable position of having to chose between the needs of two beings who both need you! I feel for you *hugs*. Do you have anyone who could help by preparing some meals for your toddler in advance that you could just heat up, or making a sandwich plate. In fact if someone was able to do that, they could do it for you too!! While it maybe what has to happen sometimes, I am not keen on us all accepting this is normal and OK. We need to start asking others for help and support (those of us lucky enough to have some) in the early weeks and demanding that our partners who share equal responsibility in deciding to have this child also share equal responsibility in taking care of that child - and in the early weeks that means taking care of you, taking on extra responsibility with older kids and doing more domestic work. Sorry I know that doesn't help you much, rant over!

I totally agree and was actually talking to my dad about this only a week or so ago. In the very distant past, women did have the support around them (from parents/grandparents etc) when having babies, but these days we’ve set ourselves up to do it all on our own. I know so many women who have gone back to work early even, because they feel so isolated and lonely just being at home looking after the little ones.
I am actually fortunate enough to have my in-laws very close by, and get along with them very well, so they are a great support - especially with my toddler. But even then, they can’t be here every second of the day, so you still get those frustrating times where you’re doing it all on your own.

Definitely appreciate where you’re coming from for sure!

 

[noon_child]

I don’t believe in letting babies cry, but when you have more than one it is an inevitability that at some point one or more of your children will have to wait (which sometimes means crying)... I think we need to make this point very strongly as the other thing we don’t need in our western society is any more reasons for mums to feel any guilt over their parenting.

Absolutely...I mean my baby cried so much - when I held her, when I didn't hold her, in the pram, the sling. A baby crying because you can't meet their need immediately (or don't know what it is in my case) as you have to go to the toilet or look after another child is very different to "letting" a baby cry as a deliberate strategy.

Mum guilt is another symptom of how systems and cultures let women down and then blame them for it!

 

[Teri7489]

Yip! But to be honest, if it wasn't my newborn it was my toddler crying. Didn't harm either of them and taught both to be quite patient kids. Granted it would be nice to have someone to entertain them while you go do other things but they do have to learn at times they have to be a little independent and be on their own

 

[KatBar]

I think this so highlights where our Western culture is out of whack. I wish there was a team of aunties and grannies round looking after your toddler so you could be with baby. Your baby has no idea why you are leaving him but you've been placed in the unenviable position of having to chose between the needs of two beings who both need you! I feel for you *hugs*. Do you have anyone who could help by preparing some meals for your toddler in advance that you could just heat up, or making a sandwich plate. In fact if someone was able to do that, they could do it for you too!! While it maybe what has to happen sometimes, I am not keen on us all accepting this is normal and OK. We need to start asking others for help and support (those of us lucky enough to have some) in the early weeks and demanding that our partners who share equal responsibility in deciding to have this child also share equal responsibility in taking care of that child - and in the early weeks that means taking care of you, taking on extra responsibility with older kids and doing more domestic work. Sorry I know that doesn't help you much, rant over!

I completely agree with you - if only we all had more help!! My OH will be back at work after two weeks and my mum will only be over a few times a week, so much of the time it will just be me and my 3 kids when the new baby comes. Since we no longer live in multigenerational houses, this is really our lot, unless you’re rich enough to afford a nanny.

That said - for the benefit of the OP, it really will not do a baby any harm if they cry for a few minutes while you attend to your older children. It really won’t. I say this as someone who has practiced attachment parenting and cosleeping, clearly I don’t believe in letting babies cry, but when you have more than one it is an inevitability that at some point one or more of your children will have to wait (which sometimes means crying), while you attend to the needs of the other children. I think we need to make this point very strongly as the other thing we don’t need in our western society is any more reasons for mums to feel any guilt over their parenting.

I also firmly believe that it is part and parcel of having a sibling - you don’t always get to come first. Sometimes you have to wait and take your turn and I honestly believe this is character building as you grow up. It’s hard when it’s a newborn, but it’s the situation mums of more than one find themselves in and it’s not going to adversely affect the newborn if you’ve already taken care of all of their needs. Older siblings needs are a legitimate reason for putting down your baby - even if they cry. You are after all, still Mum to your older kids and they still need you too, just as much as they did before the new baby was born. You just have to get used to managing needs when you have more than one!

Sorry if I come in strongly about this, but like I said in my first post, the guilt of having to do this for a minute or two at a time absolutely contributed to my PND last time around and I’m absolutely determined that other women know it’s okay and your kids will be fine!

Very true also - it’s part of life for kids to realise that they can’t always come first. It’s obviously a bit harder when they are just little newborns, but definitely once they get into toddler-hood and beyond, it’s something they definitely need to learn to accept. I mean even now as an adult, things happen in my family.. For example, my gran who lives in the UK just offered and paid for my sister to go across and visit - this is not a cheap gift, as we live in Australia. But I didn’t get even a mention and no offer was extended to me. And there is no reason whatsoever for my gran to favour my sister over me either. That’s life tho, it’s not completely equal or fair unfortunately.

Completely agree we have to go easier on ourselves and just do the best we can, with the situation we’re in

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Personally, I don't think So? I have 4 and I have just babyworn the babies while having to do stuff for the others? I don't know. Guess I have just been lucky, but never had to.

 

[KatBar]

[QUOTE3=Midnight_Fairy;38800555]Personally, I don't think So? I have 4 and I have just babyworn the babies while having to do stuff for the others? I don't know. Guess I have just been lucky, but never had to.[/QUOTE]

I would baby wear and give that a go (I did a bit with DS1), however, we’re currently in middle of a heatwave (today is 41 degrees - so an absolute scorcher), and we don’t have aircon in our house, as it’s a renovated barn. We do have a split system unit which cools down our lounge area, but that’s it. So right now, I personally find it’s just too hot to be carrying him on me (& he does get warm very easily I’ve noticed).
The other reason I’m not keen to do it, is that I actually have a prolapse - I’ve got a stage 2 uterus prolapse, and I believe a stage 2 bowel or bladder prolapse (I need to see the specialist to confirm which). I’m also healing my abdominal separation too. So baby wearing is really not great, especially for my prolapse, as it contributes even more downward pressure on it all (and the specialist doesn’t recommend this at all). <- That’s really my biggest concern, as it’s already depressing enough having a prolapse, let alone risking making it worse (stage 2 means the prolapse is near the entrance of my vagina, so making it worse would mean potentially then having it protrude out of my vagina - something I’m very keen to avoid).

 

[jessmke]

[QUOTE3=Midnight_Fairy;38800555]Personally, I don't think So? I have 4 and I have just babyworn the babies while having to do stuff for the others? I don't know. Guess I have just been lucky, but never had to.

I would baby wear and give that a go (I did a bit with DS1), however, we&#8217;re currently in middle of a heatwave (today is 41 degrees - so an absolute scorcher), and we don&#8217;t have aircon in our house, as it&#8217;s a renovated barn. We do have a split system unit which cools down our lounge area, but that&#8217;s it. So right now, I personally find it&#8217;s just too hot to be carrying him on me (& he does get warm very easily I&#8217;ve noticed).
The other reason I&#8217;m not keen to do it, is that I actually have a prolapse - I&#8217;ve got a stage 2 uterus prolapse, and I believe a stage 2 bowel or bladder prolapse (I need to see the specialist to confirm which). I&#8217;m also healing my abdominal separation too. So baby wearing is really not great, especially for my prolapse, as it contributes even more downward pressure on it all (and the specialist doesn&#8217;t recommend this at all). <- That&#8217;s really my biggest concern, as it&#8217;s already depressing enough having a prolapse, let alone risking making it worse (stage 2 means the prolapse is near the entrance of my vagina, so making it worse would mean potentially then having it protrude out of my vagina - something I&#8217;m very keen to avoid).[/QUOTE]

I can relate to both points here! My DS was born in the summer and it was so hot this year! I have a couple of wraps and carriers, but he would get miserable in them so quickly because it was so hot and we don't have air conditioning. I would often wear him in the carrier in the morning and prepare our breakfast/lunsh/snacks for the day before it got hot (my OH always makes dinner when he gets home from work) so I could just grab something out of the fridge for my toddler without having to do any prep for the rest of the day. It kept all of us much happier! Although there were definitely still times when I had to put baby down and he just needed to tough it out until I was finished changing his sister's diaper! He got so much more content with being put down once he was 3/4 months old and things got significantly easier.

I also have a prolapse, a first degree prolapse of my bladder, cervix, and rectum. I've seen a pelvic floor physiotherapist and am currently seeing a personal trainer who specializes in pelvic floor and core dysfunction. It is making a huge difference. And you are right that you need to be very careful about anything that will cause extra downward pressure on your pelvic floor. I found this tough with my baby because as a newborn the only way I could get him to nap during the day was to walk around the house bouncing him in the carrier, which definitely made my prolapse symptoms worse. Thankfully as he got more content with being put down I was able to work towards getting him to nap in his crib and I haven't had to wear him in the carrier for naps in a couple of months now. I had a two finger gap of my abdominals which I have now healed to less than one finger which my physio classifies as a "functional" diastasic recti so it's not likely to cause any sort of problems going forward. I would recommend prioritizing seeing a specialist for your prolapse so you can start working towards healing and eliminating your symptoms, it really can make such a huge difference in your confidence and quality of life!

 

[twobecome3]

My baby HATES to be worn. She is just over two months old and we have tried an assortment of wraps and carriers. She gets hysterical. She doesn't like to be held snugly chest to chest so it's a no go.


I have an almost 5 yr old and the baby has been put down to cry for a minute pretty regularly because she just cries alot. She will be fed, changed, burped , and rocked and is still fussing as I'm rocking her so I will put her down for a minute to sort the older kid, pee, make a coffee. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with my first born and in retrospect she was. SO. EASY. Fall asleep on the breast, no gas, generally content, loved to be worn. Baby #2 is major high needs and even when all needs are met she is still angry alot of the time !

 

[Buttercup84]

My second not so much as she was reasonably chilled baby, my son on the other hand was a very unsettled baby and cried more in general than my daughters put together! OH did a lot of late shifts round the time DS was a small baby so inevitably he did get left to cry if I needed to attend to my daughters. None of my kids have been keen on being worn until they were old enough for back carries but my son did quite like being propped up on a feeding pillow for a bit, that usually bought me a bit of extra time

 

[charlie15]

I have been very lucky as my MiL came and stayed with us for two weeks and my partner has managed to have 4 weeks off work with paternity leave and annual leave. It has helped enormously! It's also probably easier for me as I have a larger age gap. My eldest is 5 so at school, after an initial wobble, she has become so helpful at home and maybe has more understanding of a newborns needs than if she were 2 or 3. My boy so far has been very chilled out, had my daughter been the 2nd born it would have been awful as she was anything but chilled out! I do agree with all of the others, it's not ideal to have to juggle needs, but it's the reality most parents face and I will do in the future once my OH gets back to work. But I don't think it's doing any harm. I would say it's more important to balance this by trying to spend some quality time one on one with each child, obviously now your toddler when you can, as in when you have help at home or when your partner is around.

 

[bounceyboo]

Yeah, you gotta do what you gotta do he's fine crying for a few minutes he's not gonna hate you for it

 

[KatBar]

Thanks for all the replies on this ladies .

It has certainly be a full on few months with our new little man having silent reflux, a cows milk protein allergy, and now possibly a floppy larynx ( known as: laryngomalacia).

Between 4 and 9 weeks were pretty rough whilst we got the silent reflux under control with Losec and thickener in the feeds (at times we had 6 - 12 hour extreme unsettled/crying periods, with no sleeping at all and it was seriously horrible).

Once we got that under control, we realised that he had a lot of gut pain (& other symptoms) that pointed to cows milk protein allergy. His now on Pepti Junior via prescription, and it is helping immensely.

Our only issue to now solve is his crackly breathing which he has had since birth and causing him to work a lot harder to breath - lots of sucking chest in and he is extremely noisy in breathing. It also means he struggles a lot on the bottle and needs lots of breathing breaks. Paediatrician is pretty certain it is being caused by a floppy larynx, but we need to have it confirmed via a camera down his throat, so won&#8217;t know for sure till then.

Anyho, the point of explaining all that, is that yep, sometimes there is nothing you can do and babies do just have to cry for a bit (as heart breaking as it is to listen to at the time). Thankfully now, with the reflux under control and the new allergy formula, my youngest is rarely left crying at all since he is a much more content and happy baby!!

 

[bdb84]

It is definitely a learning curve, that's for sure. My second born was a crier. Nothing I did was ever good enough. If she wasn't on the boob, she was crying. She cried every time her dad tried to feed her through a bottle so 100% of her feedings were on me despite the LOADS of expressed milk I had saved up. She never slept, either. For as much as I loved her, my first year with her was not enjoyable. That baby is now 8 years old and is my best sleeper of all now- go figure