Life after my little boy...

[Scream8892]

Hi Ladies,
I am very new to BnB and would like your help and guidance.

15 weeks ago at 17+1 my little boy decided he was too perfect for earth.

At my 12 week scan i was informed that the NT reading was far too high for normal, and after a hugely painful CVS test which ruled out any chromosomal abnormality. However the fluid aroud him just kept growing until one morning I woke up knowing that something was wrong, i called my midwife and asked for an appointment. when she saw me she couldnt find a heartbeat and sent me to the hospital who confirmed it.
I had to wait 2 days to be induced and finally after ten hours gave birth to my beautiful baby boy, Noah Alan, who i couldnt even bear to see.

I feel like i started greiving with so much hope that everything would be okay, and i even supported a lot of people through our loss believing it would get better, but i seem to be slipping.

I go from acceptance, to despair and depression and i cant seem to shake it off. I'm angry at friends who have children and are happy, and i'm angry at people who are announcing pregancies.

I feel as if i have failed as a mother to be able to keep my child safe, and nothing seems to be able to take this pain away.

I am so desparate for another child because i am so frightened that i wont ever be able to carry children and hold my baby in my arms, but i know i'm not ready for that yet.

I really am so sorry for all your losses, I just wonder if anyone has gone through or is going through something and can offer some truthful words. I know it's not going to be easy, I just need to believe there is something other than this because the pain is becoming unbearable x

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so deeply sorry for ur loss. I have went through all you are going through now. I lost my Ava at 20 weeks, I gave birth to her on my toilet. We buried her on 3-11-2011/ It as taken me a year to come to terms with this.

I already had 3 boys 20, 18 ad 11 when at age 40 I got pregnant by total accident, I was overjoyed . I don't know what went wrong, but I lost my precious Ava. I finally get my little girl and then I loose her.

U need to give yourself time, time is the only thing that really helps, I promise this pain will ease, it will never ever go away , but you will reach acceptance. It is totally normal to go in and out of sadness, anger and even depression.

We all are here for you anytime u need us. I still cry and ask why.. My Sister-In-Law is 21 weeks pregnant and I am in total fear of her having a girl, it is so hard to see her belly
but I need to accept it and try to live my life best as I can... XOOXO Andrea

 

[yellowyamyam]

In time, the pain will get easier to live with but no, it doesn't go away. I'm so sorry. Give yourself all the time you need and don't push yourself to be okay; heal as your own pace.

I believe it is harder these few months for all of us since people usually give births in spring/summer. I have 2 good friends popped this month and instead of congratulating them, I cried for myself. Some friend I am ...

I'm really sorry that you found your way here to us.

 

[tummymummy]

I am so sorry for your loss. xxxxxx

 

[nicksi27]

Im so sorry for your loss - Noah is such a beautiful name and im sure he is watching over you everyday. I also know the pain you are going through i lost my first baby on 18th february. We went along for our 20 week scan all excited and were told he had no heartbeat - i delivered out beautiful baby boy jacob two days later. I feel like time has stood still since, i also fear that i will never be able to carry a baby and will never have a baby at home. When im lonely on a night i look around my house and imagine that ill never actually have a baby here and it makes me so depressed. I also feel like i have failed, if my body had worked properly jacob would be here now the guilt is unbearable. i know i shouldnt blame myself but my body killed my baby. Pregnancy announcements etc are just a kick in the teeth, i dread them. I wish i could give you advice but i cant i do think it gets easier but its always there. I hope you're ok today, sending you and noah lots of hugs xx

 

[Scream8892]

Hi Ladies,

Andypanda & Niksi, i cant even imagine how hard it is at 20 weeks to loose your angel.
But in a way it's a comfort to know that we all go through the same thing, now i dont feel so alone in my feelings.

I am just finding it hard with other people at the moment, i really am fed up of people saying they understand when they have no idea. the pain is just relentless and its such a deep hurt. but if you believe this gets better i have to hold on for that.

are you ladies going to be trying again or are you waiting to greive properly? i am quite concerned about the level of time i am prepared to wait. I believe it's because i'm frightened that i wont be able to conceive again...

Thank you so much for your replies, it means so much

xxx

 

[Scream8892]

In time, the pain will get easier to live with but no, it doesn't go away. I'm so sorry. Give yourself all the time you need and don't push yourself to be okay; heal as your own pace.

I believe it is harder these few months for all of us since people usually give births in spring/summer. I have 2 good friends popped this month and instead of congratulating them, I cried for myself. Some friend I am ...

I'm really sorry that you found your way here to us.

Yellow, thank you so much for being truthful. Please know i will always be here for you to talk to, just as you were there for me x

 

[avapopsmum]

Hi hun I don't really have any advice but just wanted to let you know I'm going through something similar at the moment. I lost my little boy Thomas on 28th June at 21w 2d. He was diagnosed with bilateral renal agenesis at our 20 week scan (he had no kidneys) and we were told his condition was incompatible with life. We made the devastating decision to terminate the pregnancy for medical reasons as we didn't want our baby to suffer any longer. Me and my OH are heartbroken and can't believe this has happened to us. I count myself very lucky as we already have our 4 year old dd who has kept me going throughout the worst couple of weeks of my life, but I feel so empty knowing I still should be pregnant. I don't want to replace my baby boy but I'm desperate to TTC again as soon as I can. We fell pregnant accidentally with Thomas but losing him as made me and OH realise just how much we want another baby.
Sorry for rambling hun just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and let you know you're not alone. Big hugs xxxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

Hi Ladies,

Andypanda & Niksi, i cant even imagine how hard it is at 20 weeks to loose your angel.
But in a way it's a comfort to know that we all go through the same thing, now i dont feel so alone in my feelings.

I am just finding it hard with other people at the moment, i really am fed up of people saying they understand when they have no idea. the pain is just relentless and its such a deep hurt. but if you believe this gets better i have to hold on for that.

are you ladies going to be trying again or are you waiting to greive properly? i am quite concerned about the level of time i am prepared to wait. I believe it's because i'm frightened that i wont be able to conceive again...

Thank you so much for your replies, it means so much

xxx

I will not be trying again my age 42 is just to big of a factor for me.
I can't and wont go through this pain ever again, it has been 16 months since I lost Ava and I am better but still not good . This has killed me inside and changed me. I really did want to try again and I know people will say I am not to old but for me I am and my risks are to great, maybe i will regret this choice in years to come I don't know, but for now it is just how I feel.

 

[lizlemon]

Hello scream, I lost my very much wanted baby at 20weeks, at the scan we were told she was incompatable with life and was slowly dying I delivered her 2 days later. The first few months were a blur - I still went to work but every day I felt my heart being ripped out and missed her so much - I still do but now it's an ache rather than a real ripping at my heart.
We had ivf to have our little one and decided to do ivf again 8 months later, as our goal was still to have a family together. We decided to still try incise a miracle happened, which was unlikely as dh swimmers were not great, and then very shockingly on month 2 of trying (month4 after loss) I get my bfp!
I have had mixed feelings about the pregnancy - I'm excited I might get to bring a baby home BUT I can't get excited I case it is taken away... I also get guilty for being excited about this baby when I want the first one back. But as my dh says we will never replace Abigail, she will always be our first and one day we can tell our children about her.

Anyways, sorry your going through this too and go with your heart n the ttc front. Oh one last thing, I've really kept myself away from everyone, good friends too, I am happy to be just me and dh for the time being! I also still dislike pregnant ladies I know as the seem so oblivious to everything! X

 

[Sarah27]

Big hugs to you all.. it is so hard in those first few months :O(
I lost my son nearly 2 and half years ago and to read your post makes my heart break, it reminds me what it was like if you know what I mean? I haven't forgotten nor that I ever will but as time goes on the pain dulls.. it doesn't go away but it doesn't hurt as much.

I honestly hated every single pregnant person in the world! Hate BFP announcements, even stopped seeing friends who were pg it literally tore me apart NOT to have my baby and I was soo jealous of everyone it also seemed at the time the whole world and her dog were getting pg!

Have you got any support groups near you or sands groups? They could help you a lot I still go to our bereavement group.. its nice to get out the house and remember for a little while remember the pain, sadness but the happiness as well... I know you are grieving but how about a new hobby or something to occupy your mind and pass the time? I made a scrap book for my angel baby Matthew and tbh I became quite addicted! I add a new page for each time we plant flowers or take things to his rememberance garden, christmas and birthday..... Its nice to keep his memory alive and its something that I can treasure and keep :O) Take care xx