Ive been off these boards for only a few months. But that is the longest I have been off in all the 5 years we have been trying to conceive. I did 4 fresh IVF and 2 FET and finally got pregnant with my beautiful daugther Adalynn. The journey to conceive her was horrible, long, and desperate. But on 1/25/15 I got my first and last BFP. It was surreal, my whole pregnancy was surreal, I just couldnt believe I was going to have a baby. It was something we wanted so badly and had only dreamed about. After so many failures it didnt seem possible to have good news. I couldnt wait to meet her. I couldnt imagine what my life would be like once she was here, but I couldnt wait to find out, I was so excited. Three days before my scheduled c-section, I noticed she had not moved and couldnt find her precious little heartbeat on my home doppler. My baby, my dreams, my reason for being was gone. My daughter became tangled in her cord and died. Adalynn Peyton would never take her first breathe, how could this be? 7lbs and 4 oz of perfectly healthy perfection. Her Daddy's dark black hair, and his nose. My fat cheeks and thin lips. She was and is beautiful. 09/25/15 simultaneously became the best and worst day of my life. Those tears of joy I thought i would cry were just tears of absolute sorrow, hysterical grief, and disbelief.
I want her with me everyday. I love her more then life itself. I would do anything to go back in time and scream in the doctors faces to more carefully check on the screen and demand they move my c-section up. But i cant do any of that. All I can do is what any parent never wants to do, and that is just visit my baby at the cemetery. I planned her funeral, I held her lifeless body that simply looked like she was sleeping, I consented to an autopsy, I was medicated heavily to cope, I picked a burial plot and a head stone. How is this my life? How is this hers? I visit her complete nursery and the mounds of unused diapers and clothing we were given. Its Adalynn's room and she should be in it. I wonder will there ever be a little brother or little sister for Adalynn to sleep in this crib and play with her unused things.
I dont know if I will ever get pregnant again, i know the odds are against us. i know we have no money and only two frozen embryos left. I know she was one of 12 embryos that worked. I know if I am ever pregnant again, i wont count the days until my baby is here in my arms. I will value and appreciate everyday that i have him/her in my womb knowing that is all we may ever have. As I start this new round of injections and prepare my body for my final two embryos - I think of their potential. I think of Adalynn. I just want to love a baby unconditionally and be a Mom, Ive gone to any lengths to do it....how much more does one person really have to endure?! I am a Mom, not the kind of Mom I thought I would be. Im a Mom to a baby in Heaven. I hope I will be a mom on this round to Adalynn's little brother or sister. Please send me prayers, or luck...whatever you believe in.
I want her with me everyday. I love her more then life itself. I would do anything to go back in time and scream in the doctors faces to more carefully check on the screen and demand they move my c-section up. But i cant do any of that. All I can do is what any parent never wants to do, and that is just visit my baby at the cemetery. I planned her funeral, I held her lifeless body that simply looked like she was sleeping, I consented to an autopsy, I was medicated heavily to cope, I picked a burial plot and a head stone. How is this my life? How is this hers? I visit her complete nursery and the mounds of unused diapers and clothing we were given. Its Adalynn's room and she should be in it. I wonder will there ever be a little brother or little sister for Adalynn to sleep in this crib and play with her unused things.
I dont know if I will ever get pregnant again, i know the odds are against us. i know we have no money and only two frozen embryos left. I know she was one of 12 embryos that worked. I know if I am ever pregnant again, i wont count the days until my baby is here in my arms. I will value and appreciate everyday that i have him/her in my womb knowing that is all we may ever have. As I start this new round of injections and prepare my body for my final two embryos - I think of their potential. I think of Adalynn. I just want to love a baby unconditionally and be a Mom, Ive gone to any lengths to do it....how much more does one person really have to endure?! I am a Mom, not the kind of Mom I thought I would be. Im a Mom to a baby in Heaven. I hope I will be a mom on this round to Adalynn's little brother or sister. Please send me prayers, or luck...whatever you believe in.
