Losing a twin.

[melodyy_mtb]

I know so many of us see this forum, gloss over it, praying for the women who post, but hoping we we never have to find comfort here. Unfortunately I have found myself here today.

I am 11 weeks and 6 days pregnant today. Tomorrow marks my 12th, and what is supposed to be, my "safe" week.

I found out that I was expecting twins in June. It took me a while to come down from the shock, but after that I was over the moon. I couldn't believe that I had been blessed with two miracles. I loved them fiercely, and I wasn't even in my second trimester yet.

Last night, after weeks of on/off spotting, which eventually tuned into heavy bleeding and clotting (with absolutely no pain!), I took myself to a&e. After a few hours of tests and finally a scan, I was told that one of my precious twins had not survived. The doctor showed me my helpless angel on the screen. There was no heartbeat, and he/she were significantly smaller than the other. My heart broke into a million pieces right then and there.

But she made sure I saw my other baby, big, healthy, heart beating like crazy. She assured me that this one was fighting strong. I didnt know what I was feeling. It was like a mixture of extreme grief, mixed with joy. And then my mind just went blank, i felt numb. I only had a scan 5 days ago and both babies were doing great, so I was told.

So now I'm at home trying to process the whole thing. I woke up crying. I feel defeated. I want to give up, but I still have this strong, living, baby inside me. I don't know what to do. I feel guilty for not being overjoyed.

 

[Dana_Scully]

It's okay to feel sad, you lost a child. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Be strong for your other little one! It's hard but you can do it!

 

[LoraLoo]

I'm sorry one twin didn't make it. There are lots of things you can do in rememberance of baby, such as releasing a balloon or planting something in the garden in memory. Sadly there is no such thing as a ' safe time' 😔 and it's really hard to deal with a later loss. Allow yourself time to grieve, but don't feel guilty about being happy about your healthy baby either. Lots of love xx

 

[melodyy_mtb]

Thank you Dana. Your support really helps x

Thanks Loraloo. Those are lovely ideas. I might do the balloon thing as I don't have much of a garden lol.

I'm actually having a hard time feeling anything today. It's like I just want to move on so I'm not allowing myself to grieve but I am so scared of losing this other baby, that I won't let myself be happy either

 

[LoraLoo]

The fear is totally normal (we lost a daughter at 5 days and a son at 18 weeks pregnant)
Do you have a doppler? If not do you think this would help? I'd be lost without nine it really helps just to have a listen in to the heartbeat.
Also, I'm not sure what sort of care you are receiving, but don't be afraid to request extra scans or ante natal appointments x

 

[melodyy_mtb]

I'm so sorry to hear that. You're a pillar of strength Strangely enough, my doppler arrived the day i found out I lost one of the babies. I tried using it today, but couldn't find anything. I know it can be really hard so im trying not to worry.

I have my dating scan next Wednesday. I can't even get excited about it I'm dreading having to explain to someone at every scan that i lost a twin, and they will still be able to see the baby. It makes me feel ill just thinking about it. The EPU by me is great, and everyone is really helpful so i know i could always go back there.

 

[busytulip]

I just wanted to pop in and offer condolences.

 

[IsaacRalph]

Hey melody sorry for your loss! I totally know how you feel with the mix of emotions as I too lost a twin at the same gestation as you last year. Knew we were expecting twins early on but found out at 12 weeks scan one had passed at 10 weeks. It was so strange seeing the lifeless little baby next to my now son who is nearly one! I have gone on to having 2 more losses last one just this week ( chemical pregancy). Contact anytime if you need to chat xx

 

[IsaacRalph]

And the rest of my pregnancy went just fine and the other twin eventually disappeared at about 28 weeks, that offered some comfort for me knowing that I kept it safe and secure in my tummy x

 

[melodyy_mtb]

I know it has been a while. I had a lot to go through and process. Sadly I lost both babies. But I wanted to thank you so much for your support and kind words. It took a while but I was able to try again and was fortunate beyond words to be able to concieve again. It will be a hard road ahead though. My angels are always in my thoughts x

 

[busytulip]

I am very sorry you had to say goodbye to both of your babies.

Congratulations and wishing you a healthy pregnancy.

 

[Blu10]

How very sad! Wishing you a h&h 9 months and a beautiful angel baby xx