Lost my Little Love at 20w

[LaceFace88]

First off I would like to say how so sorry I am to all you ladies on here for your losses. My name is Lacie and am the mother of four beautiful boys 8,5,4 and 8 months. Shortly after the birth of my 8 month old I found out that I was expecting again. I was a bit shocked but of course happy to be having another little one to give my love to. Everything seemed to be normal just as my others. I at the time was fortunate enough to never experience any losses or complications with any of my other children. But on the night of April 3rd 2014 I was a feeling a bit sick and went to bed early around 7pm with my LO. At about 230 am my mother awoke me saying she had been hearing me moaning and crying in my sleep. She then called 911 because I could barely walk or talk the pain was so bad I knew something was wrong. When the EMTS came they carried me out into the ambulance and about two minuets later I gave birth to my son at only 20w. I was of course crying devastated but thought he has already passed to my horror i felt his little body move against my legs. I couldn't help but scream I screamed and cried knowing at this age he would not survive long I just kept screaming for my mother.

We got to hospital where they said he had no longer had a heartbeat. I was so lost and devastated. I have never felt such pain in my life. They said he had no heartbeat but me and my mother both seen him still trying to breathe for a good hour after they pronounced him gone.

I am so heartbroken and understand why this happened. nothing was wrong before. I have been reading posts here and hope i can get the strength to keep moving like your amazing ladies. it has been so hard to put words together its been a little over a month and i feel like i am just getting to grips with all this. most days i feel like im in a dream a daze kind of. how do we keep moving this is so hard

 

[george83]

I wish had something to say that would help you but I'm afraid I don't, thinking of your precious little baby, you and the rest of your family

 

[Emmasmom2]

I am so sorry for your loss. It just breaks my heart as I can relate to your pain all too well. Like you, I never had any problems with my previous 3 pregnancies, so this loss came as a real shock, especially so late into it. Do you know what caused your miscarriage? I have no answers, just some theories that me and my husband came up with. My OBGYN initially said "it just happens". I wanted to smack her just for saying that... I will keep searching for the answer for as long as I get one, I can't write off my daughter's death as "just happened". I hope you find strength and peace in this incredibly difficult time. God bless. {{{Hugs}}}

 

[LaceFace88]

Unfortuantly no I do not know the cause. I couldn't handle them doing a pm on him he was so tiny I didn't want that for him. The thing that really upsets me the most right now is I have no one to talk to about this no one seems to want to hear about it. They assume me talking about my son woll automatically make me burst into tears and make me "rehash" things. Sometimes I feel so alone because my OH refuses to talk about it. His way of dealing with it is by pretending it never happened.
I honestly just need to talk about my son. He was a living person and deserves to be acknowledged. I just can't pretend that he never excisted. I know men deal with this differently but i wiah I could atleast talk to OH about it. No one around me understands the pain that eats away at a women who has felt her child living kicking inside of her and then be born take a few breathes ans just be gone. Come home with no baby when you had already such a connections to thia child. A loss at any time is awful but to feel your child move too and then your left empty no baby inside you or to bring home. There is just something so far beyond cruel its the most devastating thing anyone could ever feel.
Sorry to ramble I just have kept it all in and need to talk about it. Xxxx

 

[Emmasmom2]

Oh, I know exactly what you mean. We didn't have a PM either. I just wanted her to stay the way she was as she was perfect. I can talk about Emma for hours and hours at a time but it is hard for me to do that without crying. I always end up breaking down and bawling my eyes out. But then I have hard time talking about it with friends who cannot relate to my pain, "saying it just was not meant to be" is not helpful. So for the most time, it's just me, my thoughts and my Emma. Honestly, I am still wating to wake up from this nightmare, if only I could just shake it off and have things be back to normal. She will be kicking away inside of me, I would still be counting weeks to her due date. Do you still do that? I know it's not healthy but I can't help it. I would've been 23 weeks this coming Saturday. Hang in there

 

[LaceFace88]

oh that just drives me completly insane when they said it was meant to be or everything happens for a reason... what possable reason could there be for our precious perfect little babies to no longer be with us. I could slap every person who says that to me but then i remember they are not trying to say it to hurt us but to comfort us but they dont understand that it is still not comforting. I do still count the weeks coming up to my due date i was due on aug 17 so i would have been 26 weeks along...TODAY MAKES 6 WEEKS SINCE I LOST MY ELIJAH. its just so cruel i would have been starting to decorate and start buyin little things around this time. you cant help but to count down and think of what you would be doing at this point if we still had our angels in our tummies. IT JUST IS NOT FAIR

 

[Andypanda6570]

I really am so deeply sorry.. I got pregnant at 40 by accident. I had 3 boys 20. 18 and 12 never a problem with any of my pregnancies. Finally I got my little girl and at 22 weeks no heartbeat, no explanation, nothing I gave birth to her in my home and we buried her on 3/11/2011 it's be a long hard road , but I am better now. The first 2 years i was a mess,,U never ever ever get over it, but the pain does ease up in time, I promise I blame being 40 on my loss all kinds of things, my doctor said the same these things just happen.. Always wanted a little girl, now I have an angel..I am always here if you need to talk ..XOXOXOOX

 

[Emmasmom2]

@LaceFace So sorry, honey, 6 weeks is a long time to be away from your little one. It's hard for me to see the time pass by. It's like it's taking me further and further away from my daughter, it's putting this barrier, this stone wall between me and her, and I try so very hard to remember every little thing about her and about those precious 5 minutes that she was alive in my arms. But on the other hand, I know that it takes me one step closer to the time when I get to see her again in heaven. So yeah, I feel torn about it... Most of the time, it feels like it's been years since I've said goodbye to my baby girl, she is like a beautiful dream that faded at the break of dawn. And I so much want her to be here, with me

 

[LaceFace88]

I really am so deeply sorry.. I got pregnant at 40 by accident. I had 3 boys 20. 18 and 12 never a problem with any of my pregnancies. Finally I got my little girl and at 22 weeks no heartbeat, no explanation, nothing I gave birth to her in my home and we buried her on 3/11/2011 it's be a long hard road , but I am better now. The first 2 years i was a mess,,U never ever ever get over it, but the pain does ease up in time, I promise I blame being 40 on my loss all kinds of things, my doctor said the same these things just happen.. Always wanted a little girl, now I have an angel..I am always here if you need to talk ..XOXOXOOX

Oh hun I am so so so sorry for your loss. It has been devastating for me on my situation but if it was finally my lol princess I would have def been far more worse. Not that I would have loved her any more than my four boys but to finally have a daughter and have her taken would be just awful. Its just not fair but your words give me some comfort knowing it does get easier to deal with. It has been so tough but got to try and keep it together for my boys. If it wasn't for them I don't know how worse I would be. I don't think I would want to get out of bed.

 

[LaceFace88]

A

@LaceFace So sorry, honey, 6 weeks is a long time to be away from your little one. It's hard for me to see the time pass by. It's like it's taking me further and further away from my daughter, it's putting this barrier, this stone wall between me and her, and I try so very hard to remember every little thing about her and about those precious 5 minutes that she was alive in my arms. But on the other hand, I know that it takes me one step closer to the time when I get to see her again in heaven. So yeah, I feel torn about it... Most of the time, it feels like it's been years since I've said goodbye to my baby girl, she is like a beautiful dream that faded at the break of dawn. And I so much want her to be here, with me

I know exactly what you mean. Those moments are the only memories we have. It kills me that I will never hear a cry or laugh or him calling me mommy. Everything that would have happened what his life could have been like. There are two things that comfort me and those are that he never felt the pain and cruel cold world and went straight to Jesus. I truly believe that when the time comes He will place my little angel back into my arms and that day will be the best reunion. But none the less it still hurt while I'm without my son here on earth. A part of us is missing a part of our families will always be missing and that hole will always be in my heart

I have been having nightmares where I relive that awful morning. My OH wakes me often before I'm sobbing in my sleep and sometimes screaming. Do any of you go through that or have you when the loss was recent...i feel so crazy sometimes I just stare off into space sometimes ��

 

[honeybunch2k7]

We got to hospital where they said he had no longer had a heartbeat. I was so lost and devastated. I have never felt such pain in my life. They said he had no heartbeat but me and my mother both seen him still trying to breathe for a good hour after they pronounced him gone.

I'm sorry for your loss, Lacie.

 

[LaceFace88]

We got to hospital where they said he had no longer had a heartbeat. I was so lost and devastated. I have never felt such pain in my life. They said he had no heartbeat but me and my mother both seen him still trying to breathe for a good hour after they pronounced him gone.

I'm sorry for your loss, Lacie.

Thank you hun. So sorry about your losses as well. ��