adaytoremembe
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I've never openly talked about this but 3 days ago was the 5 year anniversary of losing my babies so I figured it was time. Sorry for the novel but bless anyone that reads it all.
At 16 I became pregnant. I was a straight A student and highly motivated to become a lawyer. My parents were beyond loving and supportive but expected a lot out of me. I had so many dreams that I wanted to achieve. I remember the morning I found out I was pregnant. I took a test, saw the plus sign, and instantly fell to the floor. I went to a friends house and cried for an hour before heading to class. It was nearly impossible to sit there knowing my life would never be the same again. I went to the house of my boyfriend at the time to tell him after school. He cried as well and told me we needed to take care of it. Abortion had always been and is still against my beliefs so I refused. He agreed to go to an appointment with me later in the week at a free clinic for an ultrasound. I was terrified making the appointment but the nurses were so understanding and comforting.
The first ultrasound was a surreal experience. They showed me the heartbeat of my baby and in that moment I was determined to love and care for that child for the rest of my life. My dreams were irrelevant. I was going to be a mother and I was determined to be a good one even at the cost of my own success for the time being. My boyfriend, although terrified, was moved as well and decided abortion was not the answer. They measured the baby at 8 weeks. We decided not to tell our parents yet until we had everything figured out. We lived in a state of confusion and fright even though we had some sort of excitement. I began taking prenatals and cut out caffeine. I was going to keep and raise my baby in a loving environment just like that one I grew up in.
I went to a follow up appointment 1 week later expecting them to give me a better idea of a delivery date. The doctor took a while during this ultrasound, which was concerning, but told us that they had missed a second baby some how and that I was in fact pregnant with twins. My boyfriend's face was pure terror but mine was delight. Not only did I have one blessing, but two. After that I began talking to my babies frequently and telling them no matter what, they would be loved, and that I would provide them with a safe environment to grow.
Some how someone found out about the pregnancy and people started talking at school. Things were thrown at me, words were whispered behind my back, and notes were left on my car. Someone even left a note in my parent's mailbox telling them to enjoy the grandchildren. I denied it all and continued on like nothing was different.
At 11 weeks I went in for another ultrasound. It started the same as the others but at the end they told us there were no longer heartbeats. One baby had stopped growing at 9 week and the other at 10 weeks.I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. My babies I had grown to love were gone. I would never meet them. I would never get to hold them. My family still didn't know about the pregnancy but I hurt that they would never get to meet them.
I opted to have a miscarriage at home and it was one of the best decisions I ever had. On 11-11-11 (11:11 has always been an extremely important time in my family), I was on my way home from a football game when the cramps started. I went to a friends house because my boyfriend was at work and they became increasingly worse. It still is the worst pain I've ever felt. I had cramps for about 6 hours before I expelled/delivered the babies. I held the bloody tissue in my hands as I wept on the floor of my friend's bathroom. I can't describe the pain I felt both physically and mentally. Thankfully I was able to spend time with them and tell them how much I loved them. My boyfriend at the time came over later and wept with me. He was so understanding I cannot thank him or my friend enough for being there for me.
I was at a level of saddness I have yet to ever feel again, but I also felt relieved which I will always feel guilty for. I lost my babies but I am currently about to finish my last year of college and applying to law schools. I would rather have them here but I am now able to pursue the life I've always wanted. My future children will be that much more precious to me and when they are old enough I will tell them about their siblings in heaven.
I miss them every single day and wish they were here. I pray that they know I loved them and would have given anything for them to be here but it was not meant to be. I keep two wooden hearts in my apartment so they are always at home with me, even if not physically. I was given a chance to live the life I wanted, but I would still rather have them. The pain I feel over losing them takes over my life sometimes. I still haven't told my family and I don't know if I will any time soon but I know they would have loved them. I still talk to their dad about them all the time and he misses them just as much.
My life would have been so different with them in the world, but they are still in my heart. I feel them every day. And I pray to God that when I meet them they know how much I cared about them, and how much I wish I could have seen them grow and thrive.
At 16 I became pregnant. I was a straight A student and highly motivated to become a lawyer. My parents were beyond loving and supportive but expected a lot out of me. I had so many dreams that I wanted to achieve. I remember the morning I found out I was pregnant. I took a test, saw the plus sign, and instantly fell to the floor. I went to a friends house and cried for an hour before heading to class. It was nearly impossible to sit there knowing my life would never be the same again. I went to the house of my boyfriend at the time to tell him after school. He cried as well and told me we needed to take care of it. Abortion had always been and is still against my beliefs so I refused. He agreed to go to an appointment with me later in the week at a free clinic for an ultrasound. I was terrified making the appointment but the nurses were so understanding and comforting.
The first ultrasound was a surreal experience. They showed me the heartbeat of my baby and in that moment I was determined to love and care for that child for the rest of my life. My dreams were irrelevant. I was going to be a mother and I was determined to be a good one even at the cost of my own success for the time being. My boyfriend, although terrified, was moved as well and decided abortion was not the answer. They measured the baby at 8 weeks. We decided not to tell our parents yet until we had everything figured out. We lived in a state of confusion and fright even though we had some sort of excitement. I began taking prenatals and cut out caffeine. I was going to keep and raise my baby in a loving environment just like that one I grew up in.
I went to a follow up appointment 1 week later expecting them to give me a better idea of a delivery date. The doctor took a while during this ultrasound, which was concerning, but told us that they had missed a second baby some how and that I was in fact pregnant with twins. My boyfriend's face was pure terror but mine was delight. Not only did I have one blessing, but two. After that I began talking to my babies frequently and telling them no matter what, they would be loved, and that I would provide them with a safe environment to grow.
Some how someone found out about the pregnancy and people started talking at school. Things were thrown at me, words were whispered behind my back, and notes were left on my car. Someone even left a note in my parent's mailbox telling them to enjoy the grandchildren. I denied it all and continued on like nothing was different.
At 11 weeks I went in for another ultrasound. It started the same as the others but at the end they told us there were no longer heartbeats. One baby had stopped growing at 9 week and the other at 10 weeks.I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. My babies I had grown to love were gone. I would never meet them. I would never get to hold them. My family still didn't know about the pregnancy but I hurt that they would never get to meet them.
I opted to have a miscarriage at home and it was one of the best decisions I ever had. On 11-11-11 (11:11 has always been an extremely important time in my family), I was on my way home from a football game when the cramps started. I went to a friends house because my boyfriend was at work and they became increasingly worse. It still is the worst pain I've ever felt. I had cramps for about 6 hours before I expelled/delivered the babies. I held the bloody tissue in my hands as I wept on the floor of my friend's bathroom. I can't describe the pain I felt both physically and mentally. Thankfully I was able to spend time with them and tell them how much I loved them. My boyfriend at the time came over later and wept with me. He was so understanding I cannot thank him or my friend enough for being there for me.
I was at a level of saddness I have yet to ever feel again, but I also felt relieved which I will always feel guilty for. I lost my babies but I am currently about to finish my last year of college and applying to law schools. I would rather have them here but I am now able to pursue the life I've always wanted. My future children will be that much more precious to me and when they are old enough I will tell them about their siblings in heaven.
I miss them every single day and wish they were here. I pray that they know I loved them and would have given anything for them to be here but it was not meant to be. I keep two wooden hearts in my apartment so they are always at home with me, even if not physically. I was given a chance to live the life I wanted, but I would still rather have them. The pain I feel over losing them takes over my life sometimes. I still haven't told my family and I don't know if I will any time soon but I know they would have loved them. I still talk to their dad about them all the time and he misses them just as much.
My life would have been so different with them in the world, but they are still in my heart. I feel them every day. And I pray to God that when I meet them they know how much I cared about them, and how much I wish I could have seen them grow and thrive.
