My sister in law lost a baby and now I am pregnant and they're causing trouble....

[Redhorse xxx]

Hi All,

I am not being a martyr here, I am just really upset and need some advice.

Right, here goes...

My sister in law (my OH's brother's fiancee) was pregnant and we were all overjoyed. Not long after she was pregnant, my OH and I discussed it and as I have one child from a previous relationship and he has none, he decided that he'd like to be a Dad again.

When she was 16 weeks pregnant Very very sadly her pregnancy was deemed non-viable at her scan (none of the family were told why by my sister in law or brother in law, just that it had happened) and she was taken into hospital to terminate the pregnancy. She knew we were also trying for a baby at the time, and when she was still pregnant she was more than happy for us.

Well, after she came out of hospital they didn't want to see anyone from our side of the family for two weeks, they cremated their son on hid away (I have a friend who sadly lost her daughter to cot death in May last year, so believe me I can understand any reaction like that.

Then when as soon as they wanted us there, we dropped everything and rushed down there to see them. At the time, I had no idea that I was pregnant myself. Well, I found out nearly three weeks after she had lost her little one that I was pregnant. When we went to comfort them for the weekend, they were obviously upset but I spoke to her and she asked me straight out if I was pregnant, I said that I didn't know if I was or not yet because, I wasn't due a period for another week or so. I voiced concerns that I wouldn't feel comfortable telling her straight away if I was, so I would probably not do so until she was stronger. She told me in no uncertain terms not to wait for anyone, and not to worry about it.

When I found out I was pregnant, My partner and I agonized of how to tell them and what would be the best way to do so. So, initially we told his parents first and then my Mum, my brother and his girlfriend. We then had the difficult job of telling his brother and his fiancee.

My OH told his brother and his fiancee- everything seemed fine- so we though, they said congratulations and we explained that we hadn't wanted to upset them but we didn't want them to find out through the family grapevine, We thanked them for being so understanding. They made out that everything was fine, until one night on the phone, my OH was talking to his brother just chit chatting and he basically suddenly blurted out that my OH was insensitive by telling them that we had not been supportive and we were selfish for not waiting a few months before telling them.

Because of this they have caused trouble, saying they wouldn't come to a family dinner on Boxing Day. They have as much as said that we have handled everything wrong, nobody from the family understands what they are going through (I have been through a miscarriage, so I know exactly what it feels like- but they don't know this) And every time we have tried to sort it out, they lie and stir things up again- even to the point that my OH's brother tried to say that my OH had been cheating on me! (I do know that this is totally untrue as there were credible witnesses there and I trust him 100%). His fiancee is the same, my OH phoned her to sort it out and she basically said the same.

My OH's parents agree that we have done nothing wrong and have said that they know how hurt we must be because of their behaviour towards us. We have been supportive when and obviously we are gutted that we have lost our nephew too.

We are all uncaring and we should say sorry for all the insensitive things we have done. They have made me feel horrible about this situation and they have excluded my other son from their wedding.

His brother has come up today and is acting like nothing has happened, I am so angry because we did try to avoid this happening and it's all a terrible mess now.

I don't know what to do, I am so upset.

Redhorse xxx

 

[cupcake]

firstly i just want to say that you are in a very difficult situation.
are they usually the kind of people who lie? if they are not it seems they are going through incredible grief and taking it out on you as well.

if you are strong enough and think that they honestly are not usually like that i would just let it be and move on. just put it down to their grief and try not to talk too much about your pregnancy to them- if at all. if they continue to stir up trouble and new lies about you come out i would call them out on it in a proper confrontation when the time is right, i think you could apologise for how they feel or if by telling them you made them feel worse and just say it wasnt your intention and you honestly just wanted to tell them yourselves, if they dont accept that- at least you tried. ( i know it wasnt your fault but sometimes ppl just need to hear- im sorry)

as hard as it is, you sound like you could be the bigger person here
wishing you lots of joy and a happy and healthy 9 months.

 

[Redhorse xxx]

Hi Cupcake,

I completely appreciate what you are saying. And we did apologise and tell them that there was never ANY intention to hurt them. Also yes, unfortunately they do always lie about things- especially what they think and they do judge everyone all of the time, not just us.

They say one thing to your face and you think everything is fine and then something else completely behind your back. I totally understand the reaction to the grief, but we have always over looked the lies and just been there for them whatever happens.

We are not making any stupid ultimatums or saying we're not going to the wedding, it's just that I am so hurt that they would think that I have done this to spite them. I was ALREADY pregnant, I just didn't know it...

My OH's brother relented today and actually said that my son was welcome to come to the wedding as far as he was concerned, so that is something.

I am trying to be the bigger person, but you have to understand that I do know what they are going through. I have been there, I just didn't take it out on my family. But hey, I know everyone is different. But saying that my OH is cheating on me, was what hurt the most. I categorically know this is a lie.

I am just going to concentrate on getting on with my pregnancy, I never rub it in her face and she always asks me how my pregnancy is going and makes a big fuss when she sees me to my face. So I'm stuck really.

Thanks for the helpful reply

Redhorse xxx

 

[Always&4ever]

I'm sorry to hear about your nephew, its awful when a family lose a child and I hope your pregnancy goes well and I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months

 

[suzan]

Hi there,

I am so sorry u r going thru all this. You know something? The same week I had my d&c done, my DH's cousin announced she was pregnant. I swolled all my sadness and burt into tears when I got home (We dont get along, she doesnt like me at all even did a lot of problems to us and never wished us the good things so the fact that I lost mine and she is pregnant now and after all that causing trouble and being mean was so hurtful)

A month later, my little cousin announced she was pregnant and again I cried like a baby. I never made any problems to them, I though died when DH's cousin announced she was pregnant bec we just dont get along so I felt as if she took it as a competition! So I felt like a loser

I wish them the best bec I want everyone to wish me the best when I become pregnant.

As for ur SIL, maybe she felt what I felt, but maybe she just cannot control it. The fact that her fiancee was also insensitive in his reaction can be due to her reaction, she might be kindda exaggerating and her fiancee is throwing things without thinking.

I think that you should have not told them, i would have prefered them to know thru the family network and then if she asks it would have been like "we thought it wasnt fair to tell u in case u feel sad or something like that". I will not tell anyone who had a miscarriage that I am newly pregnant bec the feeling they will feel is uncontrollable and understandable, it's a deep sadness, jealousy, and dead dream going on inside her. Try now not to bring it up to her and her fiancee again. Just let time cure her sadness and when u think she is better now then still control it and make it clear to her that she hurted u (when she is better and she told u she is sorry of course)

I dont really know what else to tell u but about the cheating part, that is so insensitive from them!

I am sorry u r going thru this, try not to stress, dont forget that u r pregnant!

 

[cupcake]

sounds like you are being the bigger person and doing all you can
good luck i really hope it gets better for you soon

 

[Redhorse xxx]

Thanks Cupcake, Suzan. I am so sorry for your loss Suzan, I know that we perhaps should have let them find out from my OH parents, but they categorically said that they wanted to hear it from us.

I know that my SIL is hurting very badly, and I will make allowances for that, just not the comment about my OH cheating on me. That was just pure spite.

I am being the bigger person and I have also been through it- so I understand the anger that she is expressing, I just have to ride it out and tell them how much they hurt us a lot further down the line.

Thanks for the continued support and good advice.

Good luck with your pregnacies!

Redhorse xxxxx

 

[Ann-Marie]

first of all congratulaions on your pregnancy

.....sometimes when someone is hurting so bad, they need to make everyone around them feel just as bad to make their pain seem less. they can do this without really knowing what they are doing. ....and sometimes, when that person is really angry at you, and saying the most hurtful things....the best remedy is to give them a hug.......

i hope everything works out right in the end.... it's really sad when a family falls apart... life's too short.

xx

 

[Sweetie]

I'm sorry to hear that they are being so hard on you. Hopefully they smarten up and start behaving like adults. I can understand that she is upset but raining on your parade is not a healthy outlet **hugs**

 

[avistar]

A friend of my DH went through a similar experience. His friend's wife got preg after trying for a long time and his brother and wife are unable to have children. His brother got so mad at them for having a baby and wouldn't speak to him....I think it is a little odd, but I can understand how people feel so horrible when they want or had something someone else has...but when your family, you should put that stuff behind you. Yeah, like you said, you know how it hurts, as you have m/c too. Did you get upset with her when she was preg and you remembered being preg??

I know you understand that she and you BIL are upset. Perhaps when things calm down with them, you can talk to them about how you feel and how it isn't fair how they are acting. Being the bigger person is always harder.

We all have our own lives. People need to focus on the things they need to do to be better/good people in this world, and make their lives howo they want them to be. Getting angry at others for their unhappiness is not a wise and healthy solution.

You will get through this! Congrats on your preg by the way and try to enjoy being preg and stay positive. More likely than not, your BIL and his fiance will come around. If they don't, then it isn't worth you making yourself upset.

 

[Redhorse xxx]

Thanks so much Avistar, your words have helped me immensley . I hope that they do come round and understand that we'd NEVER try deliberately to hurt them. They are getting married soon, like I said and I hope that they can start to recover from their ordeal. In the meantime, I am taking your advice and enjoying my pregnancy.

Thanks again,

Redhorse xxx

 

[Wobbles]

What a difficult position. You probably have a lot of good replies from teh girls (theres too much to read). It must be very difficult it is at the best of times (losing a pregnancy) but I can't imagine how my head would have turned if I had of lost at 16 weeks.

Your poor SIL & BIL must be hell for them and a lot of ups and downs. Its mentally challenging on your mind & life I think if you know in your heart they are just suffering then I would try to let it cool down

 

[Wobbles]

Had to go quickly - wanted to suggest although I don't know you all personally just to let it lie and randomly soon your brother to ring up and casually ask his bro out for a drink on his own without you to the pub (with or without his GF) and talk to him I say without you because facing a pregnant woman can be more difficult.