My wife refuses to take care of baby when im home

[Karatedingo]

Back story on our baby. She was premature at 32 weeks and 7 days but very healthy. Didnt need a feeding tube or assisted breathing. Once she was the equivilant to 35 weeks she was able to come home.

Once we brought our daughter home, i did everything to take care of her and my wife since she just gave birth.

Fast forward 2 months later, I am back at work in full commission sales (10 hour days, 12 every saturday). When I come home from work, I do everything from that point on. If she is hungry at night I am the one to feed her, fussy, diaper change, anything I am the only one to do it.

I do not mind taking turns by any means but she refuses to do so.

Unfortunately, it has gotten to the point where I simply cant function at work anymore because I am so sleep deprived. As I said, I am commission only so if I dont sell I dont get paid. When driving to and from work I have to chug an energy drink or I fall asleep at red lights.

I have brought this issue up to her before but her stance is "I take care of her when youre at work so you can when you are home"

I am not sure what to do anymore at this point and just looking for advice


(My wife was a part time seasonal worker before the baby before anyone asks)

 

[MissWaiting]

I understand where your coming from and where she is coming from but you need to sleep to so she needs to be getting up and taking it in turns through the night to she can nap when baby sleeps in the day but you can't. You are at risk of having an accident when driving if your tired enough to fall asleep at the lights.

 

[jessmke]

That seems really unfair on you. While I totally agree that the working partner should definitely help with the childcare/household duties when he/she is home from work, expecting the working partner to take on the entire care of children and household is unreasonable. While on my 1 year maternity leave I don't expect my husband to get up with the baby at night. Partially because I breastfeed, but mostly because he has to get up and be functional at work in the morning. If I am tired during the day all I really need to accomplish is keeping the baby fed and in a clean diaper, which is still really hard on no sleep but at least I don't have to worry about poor work performance affecting my ability to bring home a pay check. When I am back at work we will both take on the responsibility of night wakings, but when I'm not working there's no reason why I can't deal with it on my own. On his days off he gets up with the kids in the morning and I get to sleep in as late as I want so I get a chance to catch up on sleep if I need to. I'm not sure what to give you as far as advice, but you need to discuss this with your wife as it could affect your ability to provide financially for your family.

 

[whatwillbex]

Is she depressed? X

 

[noon_child]

Is she depressed? X

I wondered the same. Obviously it's unfair for your job to be 10hrs a day and hers to be 24hrs, but from what it sounds like she's having the 10hr job and yours is 24hrs! I cannot imagine she believes this is fair but perhaps if she's depressed she just can't see any other way of coping - she wants to get as far away from motherhood as possible and hide.

Thing is, if this continues, you'll be having a breakdown and there will be NO-ONE well enough to care for your child.

 

[GodsNotDead23]

Duties absolutely must be shared at night. If she wants you to be exclusively responsible for baby up until bedtime, that is fair. But middle of the night feedings and waking NEED to be shared regardless of who works and who doesn't. No one person should have to be that sleep deprived.

If she is sleep deprived during the day she may not care for baby as she should be. And if you are, you can't work and are basically driving drunk. (It is scientifically proven that driving while that fatigued is the equivalent of a very high blood alcohol level.)

I think you need to sit down and have a very serious talk about PPD, what you can do to help her understand or get to a point of being able to help at night. If she refuses to seek PPD assessment or treatment and continues to refuse to assist with the baby at night I would ask a family member maybe? To take the baby a couple nights a week at least so you can catch up on sleep. Or perhaps stay there for a week.

It may be embarrassing enough and jarring enough for her to see someone come to the house and help you at night with the baby because she wouldn't. Not in a shameful way, just sometimes its hard to see things differently until its put right infront of you.

 

[whatwillbex]

She may have PND but not realise. Definitely worth sitting down for an open chat with her. Sometimes it’s hard to see the bigger picture when your both sleep deprived. X

 

[Leonore]

She may have PND but not realise. Definitely worth sitting down for an open chat with her. Sometimes it’s hard to see the bigger picture when your both sleep deprived. X

This is true! Try to find a moment when both of you have been able to calm down a little bit and talk about everything. It is very important to talk unfortunately sometimes we just don't!
Good luck!