Need Advice about 17 yr old

[rainbowskin]

My OH's 17 year old daughter lives with us full time and there has been an ongoing issue with her cleanliness and hygiene. I'm by no means anal about cleaning nor a neat freak, but she lacks any common sense and no matter what we say or do she flat out refuses to change her behavior.

The worst issue I need advice on is the fact that she CONSTANTLY puts her dirty dishes on top of our clean dishes on the drying rack. She literally just plops filthy dishes covered in food directly on all of the clean dishes. If she uses a cup she dumps out the remainder of the contents in the sink and plops the cup upside down on top of everything leaking milk soda or juice all over everything. Even worse, my son is allergic to eggs and she cooks with eggs and puts the dirty dishes on top of everything contaminating the plates, etc. He could have a severe allergic reaction due to this.

My OH and I have told her repeatedly she needs to wash them off before she puts them with the clean and she just rolls her eyes and says "I do clean them" and denies it, then repeats the same behavior. We have tried everything from grounding her from making her re-wash all of the dishes, to putting her dirty dishes in her bedroom. Nothing is working.

What else can we do with this situation? I am at the end of my tether!

 

[cookette]

It was for something else, but my grandma would make my mom not only do the dirty dishes, she had to take every single dish and pan out of the cabinet and rewash them. Every time. I know you said you make her do the dishes, but doing EVERY dish may make more of an impression?

Or lock the refrigerator and make her have to ask you for a drink, a snack, a fork. Yes, it'll annoy the crap out of you, but maybe shame her that she has to be treated like a 3 yr old?

 

[BethK]

Do you make her do ALL the dishes EVERY time?

I would, doubt if she'd continue then!

 

[seoj]

Does she have a phone? Or a certain show on TV or something she would "just die" without? LOL. When my SD was younger she would argue over everything- finally, what worked best... we would simple say "this is not a debate, if you continue then I will take your phone (or whatever consequence you want)"- and if she argued again- done, phone taken for the day. Period. She got one warning-- lemme tell you, in the end, all I had to do was hold my hand out and WHAM she would do whatever I asked!

Another approach- and a more positive one... is I would reward her when she did do things we asked. I used to have to ask her like so many times to do something (as a young teenager) and she'd "forget" over and over... ugh. So, if she could make it an entire day without being asked twice to do something, she earned text messages (we had her on lock down haha)- at the end of each month, we would add up the days and each day counted a certain # and that is what she got the following month.

Just some thoughts on what worked for us- and tbh, she really never get's in trouble for anything now. She's a great teenager and so easy- I'm not saying she doesn't have her moments- but they are RARE.

Hope you figure out what works for her soon!

 

[CandyDay]

I would not allow eggs in the house so you don't have to worry about an allergic reaction. Let her know that she since she can't be responsible about when she uses eggs that she can no longer have them in the house.
As another said see if you can find a reward for good behaviour. Let her know that if she does her dishes properly for x number of days that you will give her x amount of money or if there is something you know she wants to buy like clothes that she can earn that by cleaning up after herself for however many days.

 

[kerrie24]

She is 17 and needs to respect you and behave like an adult,I had my own place and almost a baby at that age (not reccommending that lol),rewards are for children!

I would make her re wash every dish she contaminates each time,it shouldnt take her too long to get sick of it.
Buy her a set of plate,cup,cutlery etc and she can only use that set so it cant be left lying around unclean otherwise she has nothing to eat from.
Tell her if she doesnt respect your home and your sons allergy then she has to look for her own place.Even if its just for shock value and you dont mean it!

 

[2ndprincess]

I would not allow eggs in the house so you don't have to worry about an allergic reaction. Let her know that she since she can't be responsible about when she uses eggs that she can no longer have them in the house.
As another said see if you can find a reward for good behaviour. Let her know that if she does her dishes properly for x number of days that you will give her x amount of money or if there is something you know she wants to buy like clothes that she can earn that by cleaning up after herself for however many days.

As a mom to a child with severe food allergies, I agree with this.
She sounds like a slob, I'm shocked that 17yo can behave this way, but your child's health is the absolute most important issue here so that needs to be dealt with first.

 

[messica]

Does she have a job?

I'd be half tempted to require she buy her own paper plates, cups and silverware until she decides she can get a grip on her carelessness.

I'd also ban the eggs from the house

 

[Noo]

Eggs shouldn't even be in the house if your child is allergic to them let alone her leaving dirty dishes around. I think I'd ban them if they can't be cooked and eaten responsibly. I'm not sure what advice to give though as my eldest is 9 and by 17 I'm not entirely sure I'd co=operate with a punishment as I saw myself as an equal adult by then (left school, paid rent) rather than a child to be disciplined.

 

[lhancock90]

I'd take all the eggs out the house for a start, its just not worth the risk.
As for the rest of it, its typical 17 year old behavior but its not fair, does she get an allowance?

 

[tinymumma]

Honestly I think the best thing you can do is continue to enforce the same punishment, each time. Be consistent. Buy a toothbrush and make her wash all the dishes, the ones she dirtied due to her laziness and the ones she "cleaned" with that toothbrush. Stand behind her and every time she does this bad behaviour, use the same punishment. It will be highly tiresome but she needs to learn. Take away privileges each time and the next time she does it, extend and take something else away. When teenagers react like this, people usually say it's because they're just being lazy and obstinate, however being a teenager myself, I know this isn't always the case. In young teenagers, more likely they're just testing new boundaries. Older teens, like your stepdaughter however, this usually means there is something in her life that is bothering her. Whilst you're in the kitchen with her when she is cleaning, talk to her. Don't push but just try and see if there is something bothering her that is making her act like a child. Eventually, she will open up. Rewarding good behaviour will do nothing! I tell you this now and I beg you to listen. This will only make her cunning in receiving the good and hiding the bad she does, just so she can continue to receive the money or whatever it is you decide to give. She will soon have to learn that acting like this will get her nowhere, if you're firm and constant with your actions towards her bad behaviour.
Sit down with her and write a list and put it on the fridge. Make her aware of what will happen if she does this again and stick to it. Don't cave. She will eventually learn. It will be a constant struggle but I can tell you, it will work.