need advice - stepdaughter

[Maya23]

Hi everyone,
I really need some advice regarding my stepdaughter.
My husband has a 11 years old daughter from a previous r/ship .. she does not live with us, she comes and visit around twice a year.
Whilst she is down here with us, her father is trying to please her and he is buying her everything she wants..At 11 she has an Imac computer, an iphone 3gs as a phone..loads of brand clothes..And every month we put £100 in her bank account..pocket money.
Well for about 2 years now, her attitude towards both of us got really bad..and when we punish her because her bad behaviour(no phone, no ipod, no computer) she rings her mum and then she rings my husband shouting and bullying at him..
My stepdaughter always comes out with things like: you can't tell me what to do, my mum said you r not my legal guardian etc etc..when she is gone she never rings her father to ask him how he is..and everytime he rings her all he gets is "aha, yeah..no, don't know..whateva..
Please could someone advice us on what to do..all we want is just some respect..
Sorry for the long post..hope i didn't bore you..xx

 

[Jo]

I would suggest (if realationship is ok) that your OH and mum sit down and draw up some ground rules and that you both dole out the same punisments.

She sounds spoilt to me but that is dads for you, mine was the same when my mum and dad split up( no Ipads or owt then though).

also 11/12/13yrs old girls are notorious bundles of hormones and attitude in my experience.

I would say it is a case of working together as a team, but if mum is kicking off it may have to be a case of "my house, my rules" kind of thing.

Good luck x

 

[Amarna]

I agree with Jo. It would be great if her mom would support you and your OH in establishing some sort of boundaries and ground rules for when she spends time with you. If she won't do that your husband is going to have to get tougher and stand his ground.

 

[seoj]

That sounds like a very tough situation... and it's unfortunate that her Mom doesn't back your hubby up on these things. Unfortunately, not all divorced relationships are perfect... actually, I don't know any that are.

At this point though, because she's been given so much so easily- honestly, it's gonna be tough standing your ground now. But truly, it has to be done. Otherwise, it could get worse. Children need boundaries and rules and should work for things-- cause if it all comes so easily, then why would they really care how? She is in that age where they feel the world revolved around them- didn't we all? So it's gonna be tough... and for some time... but if you and hubby both stick to your rules, she'll eventually get it. Even more tough that she's not with you on a more consistent basis... and it sounds like her Mom isn't doing much to help her respect towards you guys.

I know how tough that can be... trust me! We have my hubbies daughter full time, and she is a great kid- but there have been lots of issues with her Mom over the years. She only see's her 2 wknds a month- and that is more now that it was for a long time. Only the past 1-2 years have gotten more consistent with her time there... we just have to realize her time there we have no control over really. But she is older now, just turned 14, and she knows we need to trust HER judgment while she is away from us. Regardless of where.

Not sure any of this helps... I know the situations aren't the same. And I understand your hubby wanting to make her time with you fun and special. But kids do need boundaries- and it just may take him standing his ground to get there... which probably won't be easy, but hopefully in time... it will help.

Best of luck!!!!

 

[Handmademum]

Hi, I'm not a stepmum but mum to a 14 year old daughter - her father and I separated when she was three and a half so hoping it will help, I'll give you my perspective from my experience with my own daughter and her father.

As someone else already said, at this age hormones are raging and whilst I'm sure her dad has the best of intentions, deep down kids don't really want all the material stuff they would much rather have our time and attention. It sounds to me that she is feeling very insecure and is testing him and looking for reassurance that he loves her - however unpleasantly that is coming across in her behaviour!

Obviously, I don't know the full situation, whether they speak regularly on the phone, email etc but if she only sees her dad twice a year I can fully understand why she might well resent him trying to discipline her - to her, he isn't her day to day carer, and it must be very difficult for both of them
to have a decent bond so she probably feels unable to tell him how she feels.
Also, if her father has a new family, she might well resent the fact that they get to live with her dad and she doesn't and she probably doesn't feel that she can discuss how this makes her feel with her mum as it would seem to her to be "disloyal" so instead, she's bottling it all up inside.

Again, I have no idea how much time they spend together during her twice a year visits and whether this is feasible, but my suggestion would be for him to spend some one on one time with her, perhaps find something that is just "for them" so that she has something special that she does with her dad only, something that can continue to communicate about even when they aren't together.

Anyway, that's my two cents and hope it helps

 

[LittleLady04]

I am a step Mum to a 9 year old boy so it's slightly different to your situation. But I agree that your OH and her Mum need to sit down and set some ground rules that everyone agrees on.