New here... Sad and confused

[Momof3boy]

Hi I am new here. I have been reading your and they have been a good support to me. I lost my precious baby 5 weeks ago at 21 weeks. I was not prepared for the enormous amount of grief which I would be going through and my world has been shattered since then. I have been going through all kinds of emotion including sadness, guilt, shame, confusions and anger. Not a day has gone by without me crying bitterly. I miss my baby so much. I wonder if we made all the right decisions, and what if the baby didn’t have to die…… I have not been able to do much around the house. I was very weak physically and had some infections post delivery, and now 5 weeks later, though I have regain some strengths physically, I am still overwhelmed with sadness and not able to get back to the normal routine.

During this whole time my husband has been very supportive. He has to go to work and does all the chords in the house and keeps us going. I am trying to get back to normal by running small errands this week but it has been hard. I feel tired and sad. I feel I cannot face the world. When I need to cry, I usually cry alone. I don’t want to impose or compound my sadness on others. However, last night, for some reasons I couldn’t hold it back and I burst in to tears in front of my husband and son. I told my husband I feel so broken and empty. He told me as much as it hurts, we need to move on. The baby would not want to see us living this way. He was frustrated that I continue to live like as if I was dead. I know he is right… But life is so hard and my heart aches… I cannot pick myself up. I feel like I am leaving the baby behind.

How long did it take for you to move through the grieving process? Am I normal to be like this? I am afraid I will never be the same as I used to be. I know my husband loves the baby dearly, but he seems to be moving through this process faster than me. How to you manage that? We are already hurting so much from losing the baby. I don’t want to hurt our relationship even more.

 

[blav]

Firstly, I just want to say that I am so very sorry for your loss

I also, don't feel like I have much advice to give as we lost our son at 22 and a half weeks on October 29 and I had a break down last night myself. I guess, I just want to tell you that you are normal and that people experience grief at different rates. Five weeks is not much time to go through the entire grief process.

As far as second guessing yourself and wondering if you made the right decisions, that is normal too. Although, painful, you can't help but let your mind go there. But, be gentle on yourself. You can't force the thoughts away, but you have to tell yourself that you made the best decisions you could at the time for your baby.

As a mother, you want to protect your baby at all times. Going through this situation is like the ultimate feeling of helplessness. There is almost literally nothing you could have done to make things different. You go over every situation telling yourself over and over "If only I had..."

I don't know if any of that has helped as I'm feeling rather depressed myself today, but I hope it did, at least a little!

 

[Hellylou]

Hi, and welcome. I'm so so sorry for your loss. There really is no pain like it, and everything you are describing is so very familiar.

It sounds like you have been through a massive physical ordeal on top of the mental, and it is very difficult to begin to heal emotionally when you are physically unwell. Now that you are feeling stronger in your body, the emotions will be taking over, and that's the next stage in your healing.

There is no time limit on any of this, but one thing is certain - you never ever forget, but it does get easier. Having to hold back your emotions is a very difficult thing though, and it can be very hard when it feels like your OH is not on the same page as you. Men deal with things differently. Your husband will be grieving too, but it wont be the same as it is for you. After I lost my baby in September, all my family wanted was to see me back to normal. They couldn't handle the sad me, so I had to put on a brave face for them, and I came here to do my crying. It has helped me enormously just to write how I feel, or read other peoples' thoughts and cry with them. I have realised that only other women who have lost a baby in this way really understand. They don't judge, or tell you to move on, or say the wrong thing. They totally get it and are there to listen. That is what we can do here to help you now as you face these dark days.

It might help to tell your story if or when you feel able to. Sharing it with others who know what it is like can be very helpful, so you don't feel so alone in all this. We are here to listen.

Thinking of you, and sending big hugs to you

 

[Krippy]

Awwww hun...I am so sorry for your loss. The grieving process is so different for everyone but uniquely the same for all of us who were carrying our angel babies. You are alone in your grief. You are the only one who has felt the special, physical presence of your LO...made that all important connection between baby and mother. Your DH will grieve but it will be different for him...the only way that my DH got through this was expressing how we were feeling, I had to ask him to tell me how he was feeling even if it was good that day, it helped me feel less alone. The only place that I have felt normal is here on this forum where there are many women going through unique situations that are the closest thing to the same to your situation.

I did not leave the house for 4 weeks after our son was born at 39 1/2 weeks...I went to 2 Dr. appointments and that is it. I feel that if you don't grieve the way that you are feeling currently and try to hide those feelings they will only come back at a different time later on in your process. I hope that you are able to feel your feelings when they happen and accept those feelings and move on to the next hard day which will inevitably get better and sometimes worse. I cried everyday for 8 weeks at 5:15am....every single day I would wake up and think of our RJ and realize he was gone. My DH did not know what to do...he said he felt so helpless and thought I wanted to be alone. I explained that the last thing I need was to be alone and all he needed to do was hold me. This bonded us so strongly that he has been so accepting of how I have been feeling. I have not gone back to work and don't plan to and he has been nothing but supportive. All we had to do was talk. I hope that my story helps and if you need to talk to anyone feel free to PM me.

 

[daopdesign]

Sorry for what is such a terrible pain you are feeling because of your grief. It took me about 2 months to properly start feeling like I'd finally come to terms with it. I'd wake up every morning for weeks and just start crying when I realised I wasn't dreaming, that my baby wasn't here anymore

It does get easier with time I promise xxx

 

[OliveBay]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby boy at 22 weeks back in September. It was very sudden and unexpecetd, and it totally devastated us as it was our first child. It took me a good while before I felt strong enough to face the world again. Even little things like parking my car or waiting in line in a shop seemed too stressful and would bring me close to tears even 6-8 weeks after our loss - I was just so vulnerable and felt like I was in a bubble of grief not really connecting with the outside world.

Like the other ladies have said, men do deal with these losses very differently. WE are usually already bonded with our baby by the second trimester, whereas for men it is often only just starting to become a reality - the baby is still a distant plan in the future to them. I'm sure my husband is now nowhere near as sad as I am about losing our baby, he probably doesn't think about him that much and I'm always the one bringing up the topic and looking at the photos we have, but I've accepted that we are just dealing with this differently and that this is fine and natural and it doesn't mean that he doesn't care. He just wants me to be happy, and I'm sure that is what your OH is trying to say when he talks about moving on. At times I wish I could just fast-forward through the grief as I am so tired of feeling sad, but it is very important to work through it and not deny it. Don't be afraid to let all of your emotions come out when they need to - just let them come flooding out and don't hold them in, but at the same time accept that your OH is dealing with things in his own way. He may also be trying to maintain a strong image in order to support you and the rest of the family, as I'm sure many men feel it is their role to protect us in tis way.

Please be gentle on yourself and allow yourslef all the grieving and recovery time you need. So sorry you've had to join us here

 

[Bride2b]

Hi there, all I can do is echo all the other ladies on here. The grief is overwhelming, days roll into one another without anything being achieved, your mind plays tricks on you. Every second of every day (and night) is spent thinking about your baby that should be safely in you tummy. Every week that passes is another week closer to the should have been due date and another painful week without a bump growing bigger as you nuture your baby.

Every single emotion you are feeling is being felt by another lady who had lost their baby too. Dont be worried that you are still grieving and the outside world carries on going at the same rate. Do worry that the housework isnt done or you have run out of milk and that you dont feel emotionally or physically strong enough to deal with these 'trivial' things.

Your OH is most definately grieving but men do this so differently to us. They had very little connection to the baby...nothing that can be anywhere near the connection we had. He will probably want to remain strong for you. If its like my OH I often think he has put his grief away in a box and he doesnt think of our son. He just choses to speak of him every so often, I try not to keep talking to him about our son as I dont want his to think thats all I can talk about.....its all I think of. I come here to get help from these wonderful ladies instead. But honestly I am sure he cares and is hurt but is doing the man thing and trying to be strong.

I know where you are at the grief stage, I lost my son 5 weeks ago too. I am due back to work next Fri - I am playing that by ear really! I'm not sure I am ready to return to 'normal' and I am 99% sure I am not ready to try and put on a brave face from 9-5, 5 days a week. I havent managed to take control of my emotions for very long so far.

Please take care of yourself & you are welcome to ask questions or just rant if you need to...

 

[jennijunni]

I am so, so sorry. I agree with all the other PP, it will all be on your timetable. Some days I am great, most days actually, others, all I can think about are my 2 sweet babies, and what should have been. I too had a very traumatic birth with my son, who we lost in June, and almost died, I had awful PTSD, which, tbh, I always thought was a cop out. But now going through it first had, I have such respect for those who suffer and deal with this alone. I know the trauma associated with my loss made it even more difficult to deal with. With my second 2nd trimester loss, it was not as sad as it was with my first, since I did not have the trauma associated with it. I would look into it, and I would talk to someone if you have to. I am again, so, so sorry. We are here for you, and are here to listen. Lots of hugs to you, again I am so sorry.

 

[Nikki_d72]

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I would just echo what the others have said really, I felt the same as you at that timescale. I have a DD already so I had to pick myself up a bit but I just went through the motions really, but if it hadn't been for her I doubt I would have been able to care about much really.

As for wondering when you return to your old self - I hate to say this but she is gone forever. You will however emerge as a stronger, more compassionate person, but it will take a while. You can't deny your grief or it will get you in other ways.

Men do often greive differently and tend to want to do the strong thing, as said already. They also don't have the same connection as us, how could they? I often think their grief gets forgotten though, they are expected to stay strong, by society so they fall into their expected roles, it's a shame. My DH did start talking about our loss, but he did bottle it for a long time first and it caused arguments after the first few weeks, then we worked through it. He was great in the midst of the crisis though and imeediately after. I think they just hate feeling so helpless.

I wish you the gentlest days ahead possible, I've found this place my haven to express what I need to - the women here all understand. It's especially good on the days when you need to talk but DH doesn't want to. This can be such a lonely experience, please don't be alone, come to us whenever you need to.


xxx

 

[winterwonder]

I'm so sorry for your loss. xxxx

 

[angelandbump]

I'm really sorry for your loss, I lost my daughter when she was born at 23+4 weeks gestation. Nothing can ease the pain... All i can say is take it day by day. Everyone deals with loosing a baby/pregnancy different and there is no 'normal' I still to this day cry over loosing Alyssa. You learn to deal with it sadly enough but thats all you can do.

xx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and I got pregnant by accident at 40 and sadly I lost my Ava at 20 weeks on 3/3/2011. This pain is horrible , but it does get better with time. You have good days and bad, but the good days outnumber the bad as time goes on. We are all here for you anytime.
XOXOXOXO

 

[due3may12]

i am sooo sorry for your loss hun! but the girls here are brilliant! unfortunately i joined this forum 3 weeks ago almost 4 weeks now and ive had huge support from the amazing women on here! its great to be able to talk to someone who knows the pain your in!
so sorry for what your going thru!
all my love
karen
xxxxxxx

 

[Momof3boy]

Thanks for everyone’s reply. It hurts so much when I am grieving and my DH, who is the closest person to me and the baby, could not seem to understand. I feel so alone and nowhere to turn. It helps to be reminded of the reality that men grief very differently, and as much as they love the baby and want to help, they don’t have the same connection with the baby as we do. I am so glad that I found this forum with all of you whom I can identify with. You are amazing and make me feel so much better!