No Heartbeat at 11 Weeks - My 1st Pregnancy

[ksquared726]

I am going through the stages of grief right now. Yesterday I went in for an ultrasound because I had a bad feeling on Monday for some reason and some odd light cramps, and light brown spotting started on Wednesday. I kept reassuring myself, that it's common to spot in the first tri and that doesn't mean something was wrong. And my belly had been growing a lot in the last week, so that made me feel safer. And I hadn't yet found a heartbeat with my Doppler I bought last week, but it was early still.

But when the image came up on the screen right away it didn't look right. There was no movement, no flicker of a heartbeat that was so obvious at my 8 week scan. I could tell the doctor was trying to quickly measure it and turn off the machine as quickly as she could. I keep thinking about that still little image.

So I'm going in for a D&C this afternoon. I'm glad I'm not alone even though it's devastating that anybody would have to go though this.

 

[OmarsMum]

So sorry for your loss

I had a mmc last year at 12w baby was measuring 9w5d , we so a hb at almost 7w. It's heart breaking to suffer from an mc after seeing the heart beat

My D&C was straight forward, with very bleeding after the procedure, I hope it goes well for you xx

 

[ksquared726]

Thank you so much, Omarsmum. I agree - seeing the heartbeat and feeling like it was all going to be ok and then losing it makes the pain more severe. I can't believe it stopped growing just a few days after seeing a beautiful strong heartbeat. I'm sorry about your mmc last year .

My D&C was a little scary for me because they treated it like a surgery. I've only been put under anesthesia once to get my wisdom teeth pulled, and never had an IV before so I was freaked out. They were able to do the D&C very quickly - scheduled for 40 minutes after we met the doctor. I was rushed into pre-op and people kept coming in and out asking me questions and signing forms and such. I'm glad I did the D&C so I wouldn't have to see the tissue and I could just have it over quickly. I bled quite a lot after I woke up, but only at first. I also was pretty sore and had difficulty sitting for the first 24 hours, and the next two days was a little tender and walked slowly. But 4 days after the D&C, I'm feeling like I'm almost back to normal. The bleeding is just light and mostly pink/red. I had some clots on the 2nd day that looked weird and slightly gray, so that was hard to see because I didn't know what they were from.

DH and I have spent most of the last few days together, always holding hands or just near each other. Today was my first day back at work and it went ok. Just getting back into the swing of things and trying to feel normal and optimistic about getting pregnant again. Hoping the next month goes by quickly.

 

[Blu10]

Sorry for your loss hun. I had a mmc in Feb after seeing a hb at 7 weeks! Its so horrible but you will get through it. Good luck and be kind to each other xx

 

[PrincessTaz]

I am so so sorry you had to go through this, it's one of the most awful things to ever experience. I had a mmc at 10 weeks but for a few weeks I'd just known something was wrong, it was a horrible feeling but I knew. I hadn't been able to find the heartbeat with a doppler either. A week before finding out about the mmc I'd even stopes posting in my pregnancy thread because I just knew it wasn't going to work out. It's odd because you always worry in pregnancy but that was different. I fell down the stairs and started spotting so managed to get a scan a week before my 12 week one and baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. I would have had to wait a week for a d&c and I was petrified of it happening naturally before and not knowing when so I went for medical management and it all happened pretty fast after the first pill, I didn't need the second. It was a very horrible experience and I was alone with ds when it happened.

It takes time to heal and it never goes away, you take all the time in the world you need to grieve. And keep talking, especially to your oh, the worst thing you can do is keep it all bottles up inside xx

 

[OmarsMum]

Glad you're done with it

I'm going through my 2nd mmc now (blighted ovum) and my D&C is scheduled tomorrow. I still hate the fact that I have to be sedated and go into the cold scary OR.

 

[Aleeah]

Thank you so much, Omarsmum. I agree - seeing the heartbeat and feeling like it was all going to be ok and then losing it makes the pain more severe. I can't believe it stopped growing just a few days after seeing a beautiful strong heartbeat. I'm sorry about your mmc last year .

My D&C was a little scary for me because they treated it like a surgery. I've only been put under anesthesia once to get my wisdom teeth pulled, and never had an IV before so I was freaked out. They were able to do the D&C very quickly - scheduled for 40 minutes after we met the doctor. I was rushed into pre-op and people kept coming in and out asking me questions and signing forms and such. I'm glad I did the D&C so I wouldn't have to see the tissue and I could just have it over quickly. I bled quite a lot after I woke up, but only at first. I also was pretty sore and had difficulty sitting for the first 24 hours, and the next two days was a little tender and walked slowly. But 4 days after the D&C, I'm feeling like I'm almost back to normal. The bleeding is just light and mostly pink/red. I had some clots on the 2nd day that looked weird and slightly gray, so that was hard to see because I didn't know what they were from.

DH and I have spent most of the last few days together, always holding hands or just near each other. Today was my first day back at work and it went ok. Just getting back into the swing of things and trying to feel normal and optimistic about getting pregnant again. Hoping the next month goes by quickly.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You will heal and you will have that rainbow baby. I've had every from of miscarriage management and stayed away from D&C's as was scared about going under anesthetic (I've got some allergies to certain medicines and had a bad experience in the past) but honestly I'm probably wrong on this but I do give some credit to the one and only D&C I chose to have. My recurrent miscarriage consultant credited my rainbow baby girl to that D&C. She said my body needed a good clear out and as I'd had so many back to back losses the clear out from the D&C created a 'cleaner' environment for my new pregnancy. I fell pregnant just 2 weeks after that D&C and that pregnancy grew into my gorgeous rainbow baby girl who turned 1 last month.

Never lose hope, babies don't die. They live on in us and in their future siblings, I believe my little girl has little bits of all her past brothers and sisters and she's the most content, happy, easy to look after child I've ever seen. Praying for you and your family, praying to give you strength and to give you the rainbow you so deserve xxx

 

[Dollybird]

Sorry for your loss. I had a similar scenario happen to me.. Woke up with brown spotting and just knew something wasn't right.. But tbh I think I felt like something wasn't right right from the start. Anyways, things will get easier. And you will have your rainbow. Don't lose hope xxx

 

[ksquared726]

Wow, thank you all so so much for your support. I'm seriously touched by all of you commenting on my story and making me feel like I'm not alone. It's been a week now since we found out the baby had no heartbeat. Tomorrow it will be 1 week since the D&C, so almost 25% done with pelvic rest. My boss is treating me to a massage at the spa this afternoon, so that will be really nice.

PrincessTaz - I worried throughout my whole pregnancy too because I barely had symptoms, and everyone kept telling me that some people just have easy pregnancies. So I kept reassuring myself, because that's all I could do. But looking back, like you I just never felt like it was all going to be ok. And my symptoms really fell off at 8.5 weeks, just before the heartbeat stopped. Some people said that it was hormones balancing out and it just happened early for me. So if that happens in my next pregnancy, I'm going to be a nervous wreck. I'm so sorry that you went through the same experience. I'm glad the pill was successful the first time. I agree, talking with my DH is the most comforting thing. He's been amazing. Best of luck to you as you ttc #2.

Omarsmum - Oh no! It's so unfair that anyone has to go through this once, let alone twice. I'm so so so sorry. I hope the procedure went well and that your body heals quickly. Yes that OR is cold and scary, but I'm glad of being put under anesthesia so I didn't have to sit there awake and aware while the D&C was done. You and I can heal together and hopefully time will pass quickly so we can get back to ttc.

Aleeah - Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and for your prayers. I'm so sorry that you've had so many back-to-back losses. I'm sure each one was just as painful and raw as the last, and I hate that you had to go through that. I'm glad you finally got your beautiful rainbow baby, possibly because of the D&C. It makes me feel better knowing that I made a good decision to have the procedure. I hope I'm lucky enough to be one of those ladies who gets pregnant immediately after the D&C, but I'm going to try not to expect it. It will be hard to see that first bfn after trying again, no matter what I do. It did take 11 months to get pregnant the first time, so it seems unlikely it would happen so fast the second time. But who knows - maybe now my body will know what to do and will hold on tight to the next little bean.

Dollybird - Thank you so much. I'm sorry about your loss as well. Hoping time passes quickly and this will all just be a sad memory, and something that makes me stronger.

 

[PhotoPassion]

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. I think it's especially hard when you think you've almost made it to the "safe zone" of 12 weeks. It's such a shock and takes so long to start changing all the plans you had made for your little one.

I found out at 10 weeks that our
little baby never grew. I had no signs or clues until my first appointment so it was a bit of a shock. I just had the D & C today at 12 weeks so I'm just a bit behind you healing wise.

I hope we are all able to heal quickly and see those BFPs. Looking forward to seeing everyone in the TTC forums when/if you're ready.

 

[hopie2015]

How amazingly nice of your boss to treat you to a massage. Enjoy!

It really is unreal how many women experience miscarriages. I never knew. I have had two. This last one (mmc) finding out later was too rough on me-- I had no clue either anything was wrong- I was so nauseous I couldn't eat for weeks-- worst symptoms ever. So I guess you just never know.

I want to give you good news of hope -- everyone on the board I have been on since my m/c is now pregnant.. On first tries too! I haven't fully tried due to family situation going on but I ditto what you say- so hopeful to see all of you on here soon and expecting again! Wishing that for all of you. It will happen for us. Keep the faith.

 

[ksquared726]

PhotoPassion - Thank you so much. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss too. How are you feeling after the D&C? Seems like some people don't have much bleeding or pain after, and some have it rough. For me, the bleeding has been like a period except different type of blood because it's all red or pink, and a few times there was a tiny bit of tissue. But I bled heavy for the first 24 hours, then it lightened up and now there's just the tiniest bit of pink still. Yesterday morning I had some cramping and passed a very small 2 mm bit of tissue (it was gray and firm/sticky). But I think/hope that was the last of it. I can't wait to be able to ttc again. Are you going to wait until your first AF comes back in 4-6 weeks, or what did your doctor say? I have my follow up appointment on Sept. 2 so we figured we'd try after that, depending on when my next AF arrives.

Hopie2015 - The massage was amazing, thank you! I kept thinking during the massage that I'm ridding my body of stress and remaining pregnancy hormones, and starting over. I also took a steam after and it felt purifying. Next week I'll try running again and hopefully my belly will go back flatter to the way it was before it started to grow. I'm so sorry about your miscarriages. That's so unfair. Thank you for sharing about how everyone on your miscarriage boards are already pregnant again. It does give me a glimmer of hope. I do worry because my cycles were so wonky when we were ttc, and it took 11 months to conceive the first time. Does anyone on your boards who is pregnant again have a similar struggle?

Thursday I had a bad day emotionally, but yesterday I felt so much happier and like my old self. I felt stronger and like I'm putting this all behind me and looking forward. I felt strong enough to take a pregnancy test, and there was barely the faintest line. So faint I had to turn it from side to side to even see it, so that actually feels good to know that my body is out of pregnancy mode. Also, I was happy because I'd been dealing with awful constipation since my D&C but yesterday I was able to really go #2 (sorry if tmi). It was still difficult to go, but I was able to get it all out and it felt like maybe the next time I go it will be normal and not difficult. So yay!

Hope everyone is doing OK. I'm here if anyone needs some support through this difficult time. And thank you all for supporting me. I'm sure I'll have more down days, but perhaps from now on the good days will be much more often than the bad. Hugs to all of you lovely ladies .

 

[PhotoPassion]

I'm feeling pretty good overall. No pain really but I seem to bleed more if I don't take it easy. I'm really eager to start trying again asap, but I know I should really wait until my first cycle is over. I want to be sure all the tissue is gone and stuff first, but it will be a hard wait! It's been rough seeing other pregnant women and pregnancy announcements but I'm just trying to take it a day at a time for now.

 

[ksquared726]

I'm glad you're doing well with no pain so far. I know, I'm so eager to start trying again and really wish my DH and I could DTD. Been feeling in the mood the last day but we can't for 3 more weeks! Are you on pelvic rest too? My bleeding keeps almost stopping and then comes back a little more. So I'm not sure when the spotting will stop. I think about 2 weeks from the d&c before the bleeding completely stops is common.

Did you see the announcement from Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook? He was pretty candid about the 3 miscarriages he and his wife endured before succeeding with this pregnancy. And spoke about how most people don't talk about their miscarriages, so it makes the people going through them feel so alone. It's all so true. When I get my rainbow baby and make it far enough to be able to announce to all our friends and family, I think I'll tell everyone that we lost our first. I wonder how many people will then reveal that they had miscarriages too. It's lonely when there's no one in real life who knows what this feels like.

 

[PhotoPassion]

I'm on pelvic rest for 2 weeks but I'm sure we aren't supposed to try until at least one cycle. I guess if there has been any positive, I've been more in the mood lately too. Pregnancy tends to kill that aspect of my life for some reason. I'm hoping I'll have some common sense and restraint when it's time for ovulation because I'd hate to put myself in a situation where I'm more likely to miscarry. I want to be pregnant again so badly but being newly pregnant after only 2 weeks of a 12 week miscarriage seems a bit crazy I guess. I'm so impatient though! I have serious problems with being jealous over other pregnant women too. I really need to work on that because it just causes unneeded stress.

I did read about Mark Zuckerberg talking about the miscarriages. It is nice to hear it being made more public. I only told one person other than my husband, and it's been weird going through such a horrible experience and no one knows. Part of me wants to tell everyone that I had a little baby for 12 weeks, but the other part of me doesn't want it to be acknowledged by others.

That's great to hear you've been having more good days lately. Overall, I'm doing pretty well. I just get sad if I allow myself to sit and think about it for too long.

I hope the next few weeks go by quickly for all of us

 

[Arohanui]

Hi, I just wanted to join you as I've just had surgical management of a MMC. Everything seemed fine, but at my 12week scan (on the 16th of July) I was told that my baby stopped growing at 7wks + 4 days, and there was no heartbeat. I was too shocked and heartbroken to make a decision on miscarriage management, so was sent home to think over the options. I started spotting the next day, and had some painful cramps and bleeding a few days later and expected to miscarry naturally but this only lasted about an hour, and the bleeding didn't get heavy. I had a scan a week later to see if I had miscarried, but I knew I hadn't passed anything, just on and off spotting. I decided on medical management because I was scared about doing damage with surgery (I'd heard some horror stories). But my hospital doesn't do medical management and the hospital that you have to go through had a 'staffing crises' meaning they couldn't give me an appointment for 3-4weeks. It had been 6weeks since my babys heartbeat stopped so my hospital offered me surgical management within a week if I didn't want to wait further. On Thursday I went for surgical management. Although the surgery itself wasn't traumatic (when I was woken after the surgery I asked the nurse if they had decided I wasn't having the surgery as I didn't feel like anything had happened) and physically I'm doing well, a few days have now passed, and I feel like I'm at a really low point. I keep bursting into tears, and I feel desperately unhappy. People keep telling me 'but you can get pregnant' and 'the next one will be fine' and 'this time next year you'll have a baby' and it's just awful to hear those things because nobody knows. We will TTC again straight away (my medical team have told me I don't need to wait) but it took 3 and a half years to conceive this first baby, and I just can't believe that it's not going to be our baby. I feel so sad for the child it will never become. I keep catching myself thinking I can't do this or can't do that because I'm pregnant... and then I remember, and the pain and sadness hits me like a wave again. I'm so sorry for you all having to go through this. Nothing could have prepared me for this, but I am finding that talking and sharing how I'm feeling is helping me.

 

[PhotoPassion]

Sorry to hear about your loss. I know it was especially hard on me to find out I had lost the baby at our 10 week appointment. I had no clue anything was wrong and was devastated to find out that the baby had never grown at all. I can imagine it would be that much harder after seeing a healthy baby a few weeks before!

I haven't really told anybody about our situation, but I imagine people just don't know what to say and just want to make you feel better. I think it's perfectly normal and ok to feel upset over your loss. Your hormones might still be dropping too which might make you feel even worse. I had a few days of just feeling completely overwhelmed too. I've also had a hard time thinking about the fact that I won't have my little baby here in February like we had been planning. It's definitely hard.

I'm truly sorry it took you so long to conceive your first and hope the next one will happen much more quickly for you. Did you guys change anything or have any procedures that helped you to conceive this one?

 

[ksquared726]

Photopassion - I'm nearly 2 weeks post d&c, and I have to say I don't think my body is ready for sex or to be pregnant again. I think waiting for this first cycle to run its course is definitely, definitely a good idea. I even tried to go running on Monday and had to stop before my first mile because I had sharp pain/cramps at my cervix. So I'm still not 100% yet. I know, I'm so impatient too! Do you have a lot of other pregnant women around you? It's so hard not to feel angry or insanely jealous over other pregnant women. Luckily I don't have anyone I see on a regular basis, but my best friend who lives 2 hours away is 5 months pregnant and we were so excited to be pregnant together. And it only took her 1 cycle to conceive, when I took 11 months and lost my baby. It feels so unfair. But I'm seeing her on Saturday, mostly because I just want to get the hard part over with and also because I don't want her to feel guilty about being pregnant when I'm not anymore. It's not her fault, and I want to be happy and supportive for her. It's going to be hard, though, seeing her pregnant belly . I'm sorry it's been tough only having your husband and these boards to confide in. It does feel like I want to shout it out sometimes, but most of the time I'm also glad that people outside of my close circle can just treat me normally and not like I'm broken.

Arohanul - Thank you for sharing your story with us. You're more than welcome to talk through all of this with us because we're right there with you. It truly does help to talk about it, to let your feelings be heard. To feel like people care about you and what you're going through, and just to acknowledge that you were pregnant and the baby was real. I'm so sorry that you had such a struggle getting everything out of your body so that you could start to heal. For me, once I knew the baby had stopped growing and was just sitting in there, I just wanted it all to be over so I wouldn't have to imagine it in my body like that. I'm sorry you had to go the surgery route when that wasn't your first choice. It's perfectly natural to grieve now that the procedure is over. And like Photopassion said, your hormones are falling and can definitely make you feel unbearably sad. Other ladies have told me to warn my husband about mood swings like that. Thankfully since about 1 week post d&c, I've felt mostly like my old self emotionally. My DH and I both feel sad when little reminders happen, and sometimes I feel my eyes tear up, but it will get easier. I'm so sorry that it took you guys 3 years to conceive the first time, so I understand how it can all feel totally impossible to be pregnant again quickly. They say it's easier to get pregnant after you've already been pregnant once, but who knows. I hope it's true.

Afm - As I said, I've been feeling better emotionally. My spotting has now turned brown. It's still light, except now it's also paired with a lot of watery cm so I think I'm getting closer to having my uterus fully cleaned out and to stop shedding. I also feel a little itchy, like you get when a cut is healing. I hope it's not itching because of an infection or something. My doctor who performed the procedure called yesterday and said they tested the tissue to make sure there wasn't anything "that could hurt me" in the future. I'm sure it just checks for diseases or infections, not the cause of the miscarriage. So it sounds like once my body heals I should be good to try again and shouldn't anticipate any new complications. It will be 2 weeks on Friday since the procedure.

Over the weekend, my DH and I bought a car . My DH's car got into a little accident a couple of weeks ago (talk about bad luck lately) and it wasn't really safe to drive, and we'd be planning to buy an SUV for when the baby comes. So we just went out and got it even though there's no baby anymore. Sometimes looking at the new car is a reminder of what we lost, but mostly it's a nice new thing to play with and distract me a little.

Thinking about you ladies. We'll get through this and get our rainbow babies. We will.

 

[Arohanui]

Hello, just wanted to drop in and see how everyone's doing?

I had a nice weekend at a wedding and caught up with an old friend who is single and starting IVF with an unknown donor soon, as she feels she's running out of time. I told her all about my struggle to conceive and my recent MMC. It was great to talk to someone who is going along a totally different road to become a mum, but who is also dealing with issues that, in general, society treats as taboo subjects. It astonishes me how common MC are, and infertility, but how little we talk about it.

Anyway, physically I am doing well, and DH and I have started TTC again. Emotionally I'm still having good days and bad days, but have managed a couple of 24 hour blocks without tears. I think my hormone levels are returning to normal and all my pregnancy symptoms have now disappeared. It's a strange feeling - almost like I was never pregnant, which is a hard feeling to accept.

I hope you are all doing well. Wishing you all lots of good, happy times ahead.

 

[ksquared726]

Hi Arohanul - I'm so glad you're doing well physically and even feel up to TTC again! I'm glad you got to talk to someone in real life who can somewhat relate to your struggles. I have a coworker who had 3 failed IVFs, so she knows that struggle. Although she can't relate to having a loss as much as she thinks she can, it's true that it can be hard to find someone to talk to in real life because it is such a taboo subject. I think it's because when we're TTC, we want to keep it private so that we don't have everyone asking whether we're pregnant yet and so we can announce the happy pregnancy news as a surprise. But then that makes us all alone when we struggle, or have a miscarriage, and I know for myself it's not something I want to announce on Facebook. So that's why these forums are so helpful, and talking to close family and friends.

I'm glad that you're also having more emotionally good days. Everyone heals emotionally at their own pace and in their own way, and I'm glad you're on the upswing. I've been having a few more sad moments now that the spotting has stopped and I too almost feel like I was never pregnant. It just reminds me how we have to start all over, which is hard. But maybe like everyone says, I've been pregnant once so maybe my body will know how to do it now and it won't take as long.

So after I said last week that the spotting turned brown and it was a little itchy, the itching got worse so I finally convinced my doctor to give me something for it. He prescribed antibiotic gel that I had to insert at the cervix, which is where it itched pretty bad. It felt sooooo much better after I started using it, and the spotting stopped the next day. I had to take it for 5 days twice a day. But I'm all better now, and like I said it feels like I was never pregnant and I'm back at the beginning.

Good news is that I only have one more week of pelvic rest, and I started getting egg white CM last night and this morning, so I may be starting to ovulate. I just want this cycle to be over so we can start TTC again - I think my doctor even said to wait two cycles, but I really don't want to. I have my follow-up appointment on September 2, so not too far away now. And next weekend we're going to Disneyland, and the weekend after that we have a concert, so I have some fun things to keep my mind busy .

Hope you're all doing well. Sometimes it feels so lonely going through this and these miscarriage forums are often more quiet, so it really helps to talk to you ladies.