Not coping.

[Oh_Clementine]

Hi Ladies,

DH and I have been TTC since March 2012 with no luck so far. During this time, the closest we've gotten to a BFP is a bunch of false positive FRERs a couple of years back, and now it's happened again this with some internet cheapies. - AF didn't turn up either time, so it was not a chemical pregnancy. Not to be insensitive at all, but if they were CPs, I think I would be somewhat relieved because it would mean the BFPs were real. The feelings were real, even though reality would pull me back.

The past couple of months I've found myself just breaking down all the time whenever I see a pregnant woman, a baby or pregnancy announcements. I had to go to Target the other day and I tried to tell myself to walk by the baby section, not to try and make myself feel better, but... I don't even know what my thought process was, but as I got there I was met head-on with a woman and a newborn and I just lost it. I thought I could do it, but I couldn't. I headed straight for the bathroom so I could cry in privacy, but then guess what? 2 more pregnant ladies were going in, as I was going out.

No one knows we've been TTC, or that we've been struggling with infertility and it's a lonely road. DH and I have been getting a lot of comments from family members, work colleagues and friends about us having a baby and it hurts. I just... don't know what to do anymore.
I don't want to leave my house, in fear of seeing something that may trigger an emotional breakdown.

I need help. How do you cope?

 

[rebecca822]

Hugs to you that sounds awful!!
We've only been TTC for 9 months and it seems like an eternity! This week we got diagnosed with MF and I literally have not been coping since.
Are you seeing a specialist?

It must be so upsetting to see all those BFP that are false, that would destroy me!

 

[Oh_Clementine]

Hugs to you that sounds awful!!
We've only been TTC for 9 months and it seems like an eternity! This week we got diagnosed with MF and I literally have not been coping since.
Are you seeing a specialist?

It must be so upsetting to see all those BFP that are false, that would destroy me!

Thanks, Rebecca.

TTC is exhausting, it wears the soul thin. Not currently seeing any doctors, I've lost hope. Not one of them were working with me, they all seemed to have paths that seemed counter productive and I was just sick of getting no where with them so am on my own right now.

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Hope you get your BFP soon.

 

[Oh_Clementine]

Anyone got tips?

 

[LoraLoo]

Oh I'm so sorry to read this. You've every right to feel sad and that it's not fair because it isn't.
I hope you don't mind me commenting, because I am pregnant, but I also know that deep rooted yearning and feeling of helplessness.
After we lost our daughter I coykcnt bear to see pregnant women or newborns (truth be told I still struggle 7 years on) I didn't want to see them, talk to them, talk about them or even wAnt to know about their existence! If I could have stayed at home forever I would have. We were Ttc with no luck and it was so hard.
The only way I got through it each time I saw a baby was by telling myself I didn't know what the parents have been through, they could have struggled to conceive their baby or lost a child too. I didn't know their story.
I also used to tell myself while I was jealous of their pregnancy and new baby- they weren't going to be pregnant or have a newborn forever.
That was just my way or coping, but it's tough, really tough.
I've probably not helped much, but I just wanted you to know that they're normsl feelings and you're not alone. Big hugs xx

 

[kazazza]

I know exactly how you feel. I spend most of my day averting my eyes every time I see a pregnant woman or woman/couple with a baby. Newborns are really the worst.

I've also had trouble finding a doctor who can offer me a plan that makes sense for me. I've been using Randine Lewis' 'The Infertility Cure' book for advice, which is based on Chinese medicine. Even if you don't want to go for acupuncture, she offers lots of recommendations for diet, supplements and herbs that you can find yourself for different diagnoses. It's made me feel like I have at least some control and can improve my situation on my own.

 

[Oh_Clementine]

Oh I'm so sorry to read this. You've every right to feel sad and that it's not fair because it isn't.
I hope you don't mind me commenting, because I am pregnant, but I also know that deep rooted yearning and feeling of helplessness.
After we lost our daughter I coykcnt bear to see pregnant women or newborns (truth be told I still struggle 7 years on) I didn't want to see them, talk to them, talk about them or even wAnt to know about their existence! If I could have stayed at home forever I would have. We were Ttc with no luck and it was so hard.
The only way I got through it each time I saw a baby was by telling myself I didn't know what the parents have been through, they could have struggled to conceive their baby or lost a child too. I didn't know their story.
I also used to tell myself while I was jealous of their pregnancy and new baby- they weren't going to be pregnant or have a newborn forever.
That was just my way or coping, but it's tough, really tough.
I've probably not helped much, but I just wanted you to know that they're normsl feelings and you're not alone. Big hugs xx

Big hugs to you! I read about your little darling, Eve, a couple of years ago and I remember sitting at my computer with my heart aching for you. You have been through so much and you are still waking up each day, despite the hard times you've had.

Of course I don't mind you commenting, I very much appreciate you sharing your struggles with me. It's encouraging to know that these horrible feelings aren't just something that I experience and that's why I do try and tell myself to remember that I don't know everybody's journey, and that they may have struggled even more than I have to get to where they are. But for me, this week has been one of the hardest, the heartbreak is too much and so the negative just manages to seep through in everything that I do.

I know exactly how you feel. I spend most of my day averting my eyes every time I see a pregnant woman or woman/couple with a baby. Newborns are really the worst.

I've also had trouble finding a doctor who can offer me a plan that makes sense for me. I've been using Randine Lewis' 'The Infertility Cure' book for advice, which is based on Chinese medicine. Even if you don't want to go for acupuncture, she offers lots of recommendations for diet, supplements and herbs that you can find yourself for different diagnoses. It's made me feel like I have at least some control and can improve my situation on my own.

Thank you for your suggestion, I will have a look for the book, it sounds interesting. I'd been actually wanting to go for acupuncture, but I can't find anywhere close by to me, so if the book contains things that may help, then that would be great.

 

[MariaF]

I also hope you don't mind me posting as I have gotten pregnant twice. We struggled for 2 years with our first. I too had PCOS and some other minor issues and dh's sperm wasn't great.

Those were absolutely THE worst years of my life. I will never forget going to the Drs for yet another blood test and it would be on the day of antenatal clinic. I was sat there surrounded by pregnant ladies, all rubbing their bumps, proudly holding their notes.... I wanted to disappear at that moment
I also felt bitter and jealous and purposefully tried to cut out keeping in touch with pregnant friends. I don't regret it one bit even now - it helped me cope and at that time it was all about self preservation.

One thing that helped me was to have a plan and some dates set for the next steps. Be it the next round of Clomid or injectables or a laparoscopy - something tangible to look forward to! It's like treatment was my drug and my fix.
And nothing could wind me up more that people saying Oh it will happen when the time is right!
Really?! How on earth did they know that?!

So in all, don't feel bad feeling sorry for yourself, cry if you need to, but keep fighting!!!!! Sending you lots of

 

[Oh_Clementine]

I also hope you don't mind me posting as I have gotten pregnant twice. We struggled for 2 years with our first. I too had PCOS and some other minor issues and dh's sperm wasn't great.

Those were absolutely THE worst years of my life. I will never forget going to the Drs for yet another blood test and it would be on the day of antenatal clinic. I was sat there surrounded by pregnant ladies, all rubbing their bumps, proudly holding their notes.... I wanted to disappear at that moment
I also felt bitter and jealous and purposefully tried to cut out keeping in touch with pregnant friends. I don't regret it one bit even now - it helped me cope and at that time it was all about self preservation.

One thing that helped me was to have a plan and some dates set for the next steps. Be it the next round of Clomid or injectables or a laparoscopy - something tangible to look forward to! It's like treatment was my drug and my fix.
And nothing could wind me up more that people saying Oh it will happen when the time is right!
Really?! How on earth did they know that?!

So in all, don't feel bad feeling sorry for yourself, cry if you need to, but keep fighting!!!!! Sending you lots of

Thanks for the and encouragement and congratulations on your BFP

I've just spent the whole morning crying my eyes out and even called DH home from work as I just couldn't be alone. My mum called me this morning to announce that my 19 year old cousin and her 17 year old boyfriend are having a baby. I couldn't breathe, or say anything. My mum even asked if I was still there, because the line had gone silent (I was trying to hold back tears) but when she said about my grandmother being so excited, she cried, I just lost it and said "I'm sorry, I've gotta go". My mum was told years ago that we were trying but we were having issues. It's not something I talk about, and I'd wondered if she'd just forgotten.

She sent me a text afterwards asking why I started crying and hung up. I didn't reply, too distraught. An hour later she said "was it because you really want a baby and it hasn't happened yet?" I didn't reply again. I know I am extra sensitive right now but she just seemed very insensitive to me. No one in my family has struggled with infertility or losses (that have been spoken about) and no one would understand. I just want to shut myself away forever.

 

[MariaF]

Oh sweetheart this is so tough..... Trouble is people who never struggled with infertility simply CANNOT understand what you are going through. They can tell you they do, but in reality they don't. So your mum might come across as insensitive but I'm sure she doesn't mean it... She just can't comprehend completely how you feel. She's excited about someone else's baby news. Also if you were so strong to keep your heartache to yourself, she won't have a clue. Yes, even as a mother, unless she went through infertility herself it's hard to appreciate how hard this is.

I remember about 12-18 months into our LTTTC journey i was overweight with horrendous acne because of PCOS. Mind you my mum knew about our struggles and my diagnosis and what it came with. I did try my best with diets and Merformin and was waiting for the ovarian drilling. But for pcos ladies it's just bloody hard to lose weight! I was also so very self concious
So one day she was at our house and we were having a conversation when she just very casually blurted out Oh my dear, I think your problem is just extra weight. If you lose that you'll get pregnant and generally be healthier........
I physically kicked out of the house and cried my eyes out for the rest of the day.
She then apologised and did admit the comment was meant well and she genuinely didn't appreciate how big a deal it was for me!!!!

I was pretty open with our infertility even with strangers. After a while I was getting tired of finding silly excuses why we weren't pregnant so I just told those asking we had problems. For me personally it was easier because that shut people right up. I also felt like people were more sensitive when talking about their pregnancies and babies around me.

I know it's a VERY difficult subject to be open about so I'm just sending you massive virtual hugs

 

[Oh_Clementine]

Oh sweetheart this is so tough..... Trouble is people who never struggled with infertility simply CANNOT understand what you are going through. They can tell you they do, but in reality they don't. So your mum might come across as insensitive but I'm sure she doesn't mean it... She just can't comprehend completely how you feel. She's excited about someone else's baby news. Also if you were so strong to keep your heartache to yourself, she won't have a clue. Yes, even as a mother, unless she went through infertility herself it's hard to appreciate how hard this is.

I remember about 12-18 months into our LTTTC journey i was overweight with horrendous acne because of PCOS. Mind you my mum knew about our struggles and my diagnosis and what it came with. I did try my best with diets and Merformin and was waiting for the ovarian drilling. But for pcos ladies it's just bloody hard to lose weight! I was also so very self concious
So one day she was at our house and we were having a conversation when she just very casually blurted out Oh my dear, I think your problem is just extra weight. If you lose that you'll get pregnant and generally be healthier........
I physically kicked out of the house and cried my eyes out for the rest of the day.
She then apologised and did admit the comment was meant well and she genuinely didn't appreciate how big a deal it was for me!!!!

I was pretty open with our infertility even with strangers. After a while I was getting tired of finding silly excuses why we weren't pregnant so I just told those asking we had problems. For me personally it was easier because that shut people right up. I also felt like people were more sensitive when talking about their pregnancies and babies around me.

I know it's a VERY difficult subject to be open about so I'm just sending you massive virtual hugs

Hugs back to you for sharing painful memories. I read your post a few days ago and only just found the time to respond and I just want to say thank you. I'm in a much better mind set than I was in previous posts, as everyone who has replied in this topic has given me encouragement and a positive outlook. As horrible as infertility and loss is, there is comfort to know that you aren't alone.

I feel hopeful and excited for what the future holds for DH and I. This is largely because I've ordered Femara/Letrozole. I will be unmonitored, but very careful with it. I've read some women starting mid cycle, or taking provera first. However, Provera will only shed lining if there is lining to shed... and because I'm on CD33 and my last cycle was 2 years long, I doubt I have much lining, so am unsure whether to find a doctor and get a prescription for Provera, or to just start Femara mid cycle. I'm just fed up with waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

 

[Nikkita.Jono]

Hi hun. it is a very stressful and time consuming journey for some of us. We have been trying 4 years in august. After 2 years of ttc i was diagnosed with PCOS and my partner with weak and low sperm. We have been on clomid which made me ovulate but not conceive as my partners sperm was still measuring too weak It is very stressful, we both work with children and have lots of children and babies around us.

All my in laws and family members get pregnant the first month of trying, or accidentally. It is amazing for them but very frustrating. i feel very envious of pregnant woman and mothers with babies, but like someone said previously we don't know what their journey is so, as long as they treat the child right i just feel happy for them.

I know exactly how you feel i have good and bad days and days where i just ask "why?" I am currently on injections preparing me for an IUI procedure. Fingers crossed this works for me.

I have previously had a miscarriage too with a previous partner, so it is even more frustrating knowing i used to be able to conceive. Good luck to you and feel free to message me any time for a chat

 

[Myshelsong]

This is a horrible thing to go through and i know exactly what you are feeling. There was a point for a full year where I wouldn't leave the house only for work. I even hired someone to bring groceries home, I tried to cut my own hair, I was angry (still am but whatever) and I cried constantly. I was there and I worked my way back to sanity but it was a long road. I finally started feeling better once I admitted I needed help.

You are at one of the lowest points and you need help back up. You need to know you are worth the effort and that it is OK to get help. I know that it is hard to admit when we are in trouble, even in this forum where it is pretty much anonymous. The only way I got back out in the real world was by therapy. I know there is a stigma, I know that people dont want to talk about it but sometimes when the worst thing that could ever happen has been happening for YEARS you need assistance to move forward. I suggest someone that understand infertility as well, like a infertility therapist or councilor.

Wishing you the best