Now I have myself worried about psychosis

[Perplexed]

I've been feeling very unwell lately. Often times dizzy, weak, joint and body pains, chest pains, constant headaches, etc. Sometimes I see auras dunno if it's related to a migraine. Sometimes I get myself worked up about many things, most of which are personal. But while getting myself worked up I know the issue has been solved in my mind but I keep getting myself worked up, and I convince myself the people that are helping me don't know what they're taking about and the issues aren't solved.

I've stated having panic attacks and felt like I would pass out. my dd seemed really scared and I'm so sad she saw that.

A few nights ago I started seeing things that aren't real. One of the times I saw dd crawling behind the couch when in reality she was sitting with my brother in his computer chair across the room. On the same night I saw something crawling on the floor, like a really large insect but there was nothing. I figured I was probably just exhausted.

A few weeks postpartum I saw someone about the possibility of having ppd, but they said they don't believe I have depression at all. they said they believe I have some sort of identity crisis because I was an active person before having my babies and now I don't have any activities. they suggested I go back to school part time so that i could restore normalcy in my life and I was planning on it anyway.

would I know if I have postpartum psychosis? I mean, normally would I know that these things aren't real or that I'm scared of nothing? because often times I know but I can't help it. I feel very restless. we are supposed to move soon and mom thinks I'm worried about that. I probably am I dunno. I packed our entire room in one afternoon and was so tired but couldn't sleep. my appetite is dwindling I honestly barely eat.

I just don't know what's wrong. I keep saying I'll go get my hemoglobin levels checked, vitamin d, thyroid functions but I never get around to it. sometimes I say maybe it's the copper coil that I had fitted causing all these symptoms and I should remove it. but then again I never do it. if it is postpartum something...could it start now when my ds is almost 3 months old?

sorry that the topic is long and muddled...but I do feel muddled and have no idea what's going on.

 

[Perplexed]

my mom told me that if I was psychotic I wouldn't know that the things I'm seeing aren't real...but I think I do know. I had one incident in the past when dd was little where I was so exhausted that I was so sure I was dreaming with my eyes open.

 

[tulip1975]

Big hugs.

The copper coil shouldn't be causing anything hormonal or mood related.

You sound sleep deprived to me. But I am no doctor. You need to see one right away. Ask your mom to make your appointments for you if it seems too daunting.

 

[Perplexed]

Thanks...I'm definitely sleep deprived. we moved already and my sleep hasn't improved. it could be the stress of it all...I'm going to get tested for everything that i know of today.

 

[nicem815]

Sometimes when I am really sleepy, I see things, too! I hope things work out for you.

 

[MindUtopia]

The fact that you know what you saw wasn't real and it was just two isolated incidents is a very positive sign that it's not psychosis that you're experiencing. But everything you do describe, including the physical complaints, can very much be related to stress and exhaustion as well as to PPD. Go see your doctor and talk about how you've been feeling. PPD can start anytime in the first year PP. It doesn't have to be immediately after birth. But there's no reason to try to struggle through it on your own when you can get support.

Also, these sorts of things really do happen all the time. I was sleep deprived and under a lot of stress with work and life a few years ago (when my husband and I were also stuck in separate countries because of immigration issues, so I was living on my own too) and I started to hear music that wasn't there. It was incredibly creepy. It wasn't all the time. Just when I was home alone by myself. But I know there was no way there was actually music playing anywhere and it was a very strange old world style carnival or gramophone music, not like anything you'd hear today. It sounds nuts even to say it now. It was definitely all in my head. It went on for about a week. I thought I was actually losing my mind or my house had become haunted or something. I did some research and found that auditory hallucinations are often triggered by extreme stress and exhaustion. I found ways to take better care of myself and de-stress and it all went away. I've never had it happen again since and I've never had any mental health issues.

Sometimes these things happen. They're our body's way of reminding us we need to take care of ourselves better, which is even harder when you have a baby. Go see someone and tell them how you're feeling and if you can get some support to do something to help you de-stress, do it. Have a family member take your LO for a few hours one day and take yourself for a massage. Or make sure to get outside more. Or take walks while your LO has her nap in the pushchair just to get some exercise, etc. It will probably make you feel a lot better.

 

[Perplexed]

Just to update...I felt better after a while but then things took a turn for the worse again.

It seems that there might be triggers that cause my periods of "bad" moods. I'm reluctant to call them bad...but they make me feel like I want to go back to my life before I met dh and got married. I feel detached from my children. I rarely want to carry ds and in fact I'll do anything not to carry him. When the moods are at their (so far) worse I tend to believe things that under normal circumstances make no sense like:
-if I tell dh I cried in front of dd he may take my children away from me (makes no sense)
-my mother and siblings are burdened by my existence
-my sister and aunt go out without me because they just don't enjoy my company
-dh and his family hate me

in my "bad" periods, I've later realized that I don't eat. I could go all day without eating. it's caused me terrible heartburn that I thought was chest pain.

I start wishing I never married dh. And it feels like our relationship has only brought me misery. it feels like I would have been better off if I stayed single. I have needs & expectations that dh can't and doesn't want to fulfill. I can't tell if these things are the truth or if they are among the delusions of my bad days.

I no longer fall asleep easily. I've become an insomniac and don't get to sleep in in the mornings.

I think I am hallucinating more often now. Sometimes I feel something crawling on my leg and would have thought it was real if I don't tend to look and realize nothing is there. last night I saw dd walking around in the dark in our room. I could see her hair and her clothes and it shocked me because she sleeps in a cotbed and has never tried to get out of it. I used my iPad to light up the room to check if she's really there. It scared me a lot to realize she wasn't there. I started to imagine what it would be like if I saw one of my children again in a place where they wouldn't be, or if I could hurt them thinking I'm dreaming or sleepwalking or something like that. My thoughts were all over the place and I just didn't know what to do with myself. I probably do not have psychosis and it's more likely to be just due to the lack of sleep that I am seeing things that aren't real. But the delusions I actually believe 100%...even now I hesitate to call them delusions because sometimes I believe them to be true. It is only on better days that I start wondering and doubting.

I've made an appointment with someone but it's not for another 3 weeks and I don't think I can wait that long. I feel like I'm getting more and more destructive (mentally) every day. I've asked them to wait list me for a nearer appointment but I have no idea what's going to happen. Dh says I don't have pnd...his family member has depression and in his opinion that family member's symptoms are the only way to be depressed. so whatever I feel must just not be real.

I feel isolated from the world. I have no energy to leave my house anymore. I force myself to go to the gym with a personal trainer so that I'd be obligated to go. grad school just started but classes aren't till next week. so I guess I'd be obligated to go then too.

 

[topsy]

Just wanted to offer you some hugs hun.

have you seen your GP yet?

I have depression with psychosis and hallucinate and see thing that aren't there and here voices all the time now . But when I am truly psychotic ( i have been hospitalized 4 times since Sep 2012 for it) I dont know I am psychotic. I totally believe the delusions and don't think they are delusion they are real to me. I believe me and my LO are in danger from this devils army

Just wanted you to know you are not alone hun... sorry only just seen your post xxxx

 

[Perplexed]

topsy I'm so sorry about your struggles I recall them from reading your journal. I hope you've been doing better lately. how have things been? it's nice to hear from you again.

I've been to see dr and was diagnosed with depression and just started meds for it. the dr however doesn't think I'll need to be on meds for the long term...guess we'll have to wait and see. the only thing I've noticed is feeling tired and heavily irritable, maybe it's too early for symptoms.

Perhaps my irritability is related to bc pills which I've started taking a little over a week ago.

 

[topsy]

Aw thank you for asking hun, I am a bit bumpy at the moment, but sure things will improve again. FX for both of us.

Glad you went to see your Dr hun I hope the meds help sweetheart.

Tablets can have side effects unfortunately. Do you have to go back to your Drs soon?

xxxx