flycrazybird
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- Mar 13, 2014
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So, I've went back and forth on whether or not to join this forum. Feeling kind of silly. How can writing about my feelings on the loss of my baby to a bunch of internet strangers. However, I'm not sure what else to do and what can it hurt, right?
I guess I'll begin with how it all happened. I found out I was pregnant the day before my birthday. What a wonderful birthday present, right? At first I was elated with excitement, but then the fear crept in. My husband and I had just talked about waiting a bit longer to try or our second child. My daughter is 5 and having struggles of her own which we wanted to focus on. But how can you not be happy about a baby after it's already in the process of growing inside you? So everyday was a bit of a roller coaster for me. I am someone who pregnancy is kind to. I was sick 24/7, with migraines and I could barely get out of bed some days. It put a strain on my friendships and my job. But it was all going to be worth it.
Last weekend I noticed pinkish spotting but for whatever reason thought nothing of it. (i had spotted a bit with my daughter) I called my mom and she said if it persisted, to go to the hospital. It didn't happen again all day. Until about 5pm, I felt a gush and ran to the bathroom. It was a mess so we went to emerg. Everyone told us to be optimistic and it would be okay. But after a sonogram and beside ultrasound, the doctor told us there was no heartbeat.
I was flooded with thoughts of "no this isn't happening" "they told me it would be okay" "how can it be gone, I did everything I was supposed to"
it didn't make sense. it still doesn't.
I was 14 weeks and 6 days.
The following day i went in for a d&c.-one of my worst fears.
I hated/and still hate this idea of my baby being sucked out into a vacuum and discarded like it was nothing.
the staff was amazing and made me feel as at ease as i could be, and like it was okay that i wasn't okay.
recovery has been rough. i just wanna do stuff to get my m off of it, but im stuck "taking it easy". but on the other hand I don't wanna do anything. waking up is the hardest. every morning i cry. because i remember that my belly is empty and feel the hole that will never be filled.
im trying to focus on my daughter and i know i can leave her alone because this happened. im just struggling to find perspective on it all. but there is none.
how do you carry on with a chunk of yourself missing?
I guess I'll begin with how it all happened. I found out I was pregnant the day before my birthday. What a wonderful birthday present, right? At first I was elated with excitement, but then the fear crept in. My husband and I had just talked about waiting a bit longer to try or our second child. My daughter is 5 and having struggles of her own which we wanted to focus on. But how can you not be happy about a baby after it's already in the process of growing inside you? So everyday was a bit of a roller coaster for me. I am someone who pregnancy is kind to. I was sick 24/7, with migraines and I could barely get out of bed some days. It put a strain on my friendships and my job. But it was all going to be worth it.
Last weekend I noticed pinkish spotting but for whatever reason thought nothing of it. (i had spotted a bit with my daughter) I called my mom and she said if it persisted, to go to the hospital. It didn't happen again all day. Until about 5pm, I felt a gush and ran to the bathroom. It was a mess so we went to emerg. Everyone told us to be optimistic and it would be okay. But after a sonogram and beside ultrasound, the doctor told us there was no heartbeat.
I was flooded with thoughts of "no this isn't happening" "they told me it would be okay" "how can it be gone, I did everything I was supposed to"
it didn't make sense. it still doesn't.
I was 14 weeks and 6 days.
The following day i went in for a d&c.-one of my worst fears.
I hated/and still hate this idea of my baby being sucked out into a vacuum and discarded like it was nothing.
the staff was amazing and made me feel as at ease as i could be, and like it was okay that i wasn't okay.
recovery has been rough. i just wanna do stuff to get my m off of it, but im stuck "taking it easy". but on the other hand I don't wanna do anything. waking up is the hardest. every morning i cry. because i remember that my belly is empty and feel the hole that will never be filled.
im trying to focus on my daughter and i know i can leave her alone because this happened. im just struggling to find perspective on it all. but there is none.
how do you carry on with a chunk of yourself missing?